there is a medium of loneliness
where I find you on sulken days
damp like thin paper
subdued in hues
your eyes run down my paintings
like a oil spill engraved on the face of the universe

morbidly beautiful I cast you on my bewildered
kite
I stare up at you
with shattered eyes
I reach for you like barren agony
and you come down to me

we meet in our empty land
we prance it like skipping heart beats
we cut it open like red meat
while the rest of the world is beneath our feet
we retreat

into forelorn seclusion
the place we loved after all the defeat
and to myself I repeat
and I repeat

how are you so stunning
that you casted my fixed gaze from the stars
brung my world to a standstill and everything
I held onto now falls
when I hear the beckoning of your gazes call

and I know that love though dark and endless
beautiful and agless

exsists after all

your mystery resembles that of
ancestors buried beaneth the living
endless tombs infused with secrets for
only the earth and life in its very self to know
and when in your arms, oh how I wish that I may die
as to know those hidden things that you carry
within your frail frame of humanity and
that beating heart that I immerse myself in
and feel as I did when I was only 4
I understand mediums of distance should be kept
between us, and I give respect to the energy
that needs the breathe there
we cannot suffocate that
we cannot abuse it
I feel you in every extreme
when next to you Im am on the edge
of a building ready to jump
into a infinte fall
I feel you like the love
a terrorist has for his cause
I love you like the mother
loving her sick child in her deepest
height and fear
this
this is how I love you
with every drop of intensity that
I can manifest within my stricken body
I long for you the way the earth
will long for the bee’s after they
banish from this world
I lay next to you like the pedal
opening agaisnt her leaf
and I fall into you the way the
dew falls off the stem an onto
the tombstone beneath it
and when you kiss me
and feed me the liquid of your body
I am the starving immigrant lost
in a foreign desert rescued after closing
his eyes and accepting that death shall come
but then I open my blistered eyes and you
are there
lets walk down streets heavy and engraved
with depth so that we can feel understanding
in what is around us
let us live in places that have lived
as long as we have, where love
such as ours endless, has bred€
the sky covers us with its thunder
and I lay wet and covered in us
my pupils expanding
in
wonder

The choir plays in the background.
          the violin steers and moves every *****.
                  every bone within suddenly becomes deceased

Our actions are floating above the black ocean
salvation has forced its way toward us as I whisper to you
you have left with permanent scars upon your lips

                                

                             I see how you touch them when no one is watching

I am nothing but after matter
nothing but a simple yearning

                                  I yearn for you with breaking hearts
                                               what foolishness
                           to remember you with the heart of a hopeful mankind
                                                 of a freedom

                       the sounds in the background raise and faint
         the noise in my head relentless like the blood running through our last memories

                                

.torture. she smiles.

lets be honest
let me be honest
when I speak of the precautions
of the extents
where my skin feels the need to come off my body

I dont know if I want to wait till it sheds
or if I choose to be intolerant
and simply rip it off my muscle

the skin that you have touched
let it ware away
anything please
just let this violence settling on top of my being
just ware away

I have been there
in the inner most deep depths of your freckles
and Im meddled
so lost
in your extrgavance
something put me out of this state

and the last time we spoke, I spoke to you with a tone of hatred
and I would never let you know
that, moment was my love manipulated

into something so much deeper than what we were
and why is that
why are you
you
and why am I me
and things trail down this little road of our
personal caotic catasrophe

the clouds bleed out our meaning
everyday
when the sun is out
and its light everyday
and it brings me into a retreat
you make the light do this to me

hopefully
somewhere in between the stories
ill find myself pleading
and then I will find an answer
to this endless mind thought
love forgive me
the passion itself
please

your hands so female
declare suffocation in every bone

I almost fell asleep
before i convinced myself to write of you
and who ever knew I would write of you

tonight you craddled my mind
in thoughts of you sitting next to me
humming the same rythym that breathed on
everyones soul strings

wraped in my culture
wraped in your voice
and wraped in the man
who I thought was the men of all men
come to find
I wasnt treated as if he was so

so it goes
the story
I met a young gentlemen
who almost changed the course of my life
and shook my world
with the simple smirk of his sinful lips
the epic glare of his eye

I surrendered for a minimal amount of time
i forfited into my weakeness
and wraped myself in it
immeresed myself into something that
was out of character and insanity
or maybe not

and so it goes this story
of the days where i use to spend in the garden
the days i spent picking fruit
the days i spent alone
with the grumpy old hearts beating down on my mind
the days i spent dwelling in thought of you
dwelling in absence of you
dwelling in longing

i held my breathe
and suffocated underneath the gloomy water
and i held myself there

your look was sly
and then you intention shifted
and so did my thoughts
the glare in your eye didnt shine the same
and my hearts beat started to slow down
and catch on to its normal pace

your lips changed and with that your tongue
why did people matter
people should have never mattered at all
and maybe if you were different
it would have lasted more than a month

bare as I speak the lines of the pandemonioum
in the hands of all the generations before us
wet room
I see the departure of glory
like a laughing damsel on her knees
you purge
everything inside of you
and your screams flow through the breeze
I am more than a rose
and more than a stone
and are we all, am I?

yes yes we all contemplate this
and then we belittle the abstract facts
is it the war
is it the hate
no no because regardless lifes fate
will always remain dangerous

you should have set your eyes to the ground
her words melt like poetry in my mouth
dripping, haunting
dark literary chocolate
speak

thin words woven like thread
into a tattered cloth
easily breakable
I watch things burn
between the beating of heart drums
sour contradiction
hidden deep in lost eyes
and old folks

redemption
there are 2 ways to be honest
silence has been the best
we all remember
bad crime

are we okay
will you hold me like you did that one day
speak to me like you did when we sat in the sultry cafe

kiss me like you did on that winter night in the driveway
my love...

are we okay

our cigerrete buds fill the ashtray
as we listen to the soothing beats of reggea
I remember you in the miday

darling...

are we okay

I sit and watch
not the passion
but the connection decay

the burdens outweigh
our clique
feminine
folkway

your fingerprints marked along every hallway
your lips scorn the evening of every friday
your pushing edge on every railway
our sweat on every roadway
your secrets replay in my head like a violin

finally
I have come to realization
of this heavy dismay

lover we are not okay.

tinted poetry
poetic in my own utter for trying to
grasp something that is close
to reaching the sun with my shoulders

my heart touched the sun when It encountered
your reluctant fire.
Nights where I felt as if love would suffocate me
with madness that was to good to be true
and you held me with the veins of your mind
and tugged at me with the strings of your eyes

gripping onto you when we would walk
let it be that everyone knew that you belonged to my hands
and my fingerprints ran over you body
just mine
you took my blue stones

blue stones

and set them on fire with your demonic lips
of shamelessness given to you by your manhood
a kind that was all too good to be true

skin full of color that wasnt there when you where born
a body composed of pure art and gesture
permanently scared
your neck sang
and your pelvis cracked against my hip
when the sand dunes went in too deep
the earth eroded
and our universe collapsed
between our two sepearte places

and after everything was gone
dead
we breathe
in and out so so
slowly

soft laughter sighs
what are you doing tommorow like questions
float in the heavy air around us
and all I know for certain
is that
this will end

paralyzing fears
spark different personalities
in the pit of something so much deeper than gesture
you graze inside me like a caged discern waiting to be realesed

you must be realesed


reveal your accent to my forgein tongue
never be shy
in your absence I am still present

still waiting

with your cornacopia imposed on my judgment
I'm extending my arm out to you

always keep the lights down
on the sleepless nights where shiver takes over
and then melting becomes a priority
breathing vastly
into open and empty space
I have so much room to move
in my restricted composure
I curl in ways I want

I move through air in simple positions
and I am alone
I drift
harshly into misty regions
where the cold dew falls onto my hair
then slowly down my back
and then I drown
in an ocean of delivery

simply subdued by the character of so many voices
-and the so many voices of this one character

Im plunging deep within unknown objects of fragile nature
I manage to weep
every so often
on days where Im surrounded by too much noise
broken I delight
in sharing my broken thoughts with
you
I press hard against my temple
into the sense where sometimes
a ****** speaks
bound by the lips of a woman dressed in red
the seducer
the destroyer

you sew my bones together, with the blue print of your voice
limbs tearing apart solemnly,
breathing in distant cosmos, left bitten/ forbidden
no choice
bodies bare birth to gentle flowers
like spring in the smallest forms
the whispers between calmly opening buds
the oceans remain salty, the tide gripping in its low
lingering on shore
kissing the roots of the pier
we remain eternal

like things that still have no names
I know new burdens bare like intimate kisses
so hard to explain and forget

I wake up with my teeth grinding
between broken fingers and disaster
I panic and become nervous
when I remember nothing special ever really happened
when I remember I never made real love to you
when I remember I did not taste the edge of giving you
my fire/ no I never even came close
when I remember cringing
shoulders/ locked
collar bones exposed. heavy.
I rub my cheek against yours
feminine lips part
emotions emerge like new islands
black and freshly exposed
we never gave time for the life to grow

I never whispered how I loved you in your ear.
I never took you all the places that were haunted
places I promised silently we would go
I never held you quietly, sober, in the dark
or fell asleep in your arms

I never cried to you. I needed to cry to you/ I held it in
I never let water fall on our naked bodies
I never helped you the way I wanted to help you
I would let you use my soul to wipe your tears
I never kissed the inside of your thigh early in the morning
I never gave in to the beauty of tenderness with you

I managed to pull out a few tears at 4 in the morning the other night
I managed to redeem that acceptance, it set me to pain.

you have been far beyond ruthless. you have so much room to grow.

For the first time in years, I lay my head upon my own shoulder
and I weeped, with no trigger, with no particular reason
it was not a heavy pour, a light one, almost dead
I closed my eyes and I was completely submersed in a web
of silver wrapping itself around me
and thought that was my own loneliness
I have never felt this alone
I have never felt this one

the thought of this alone gives me fear
to lay there completely at mercy to my own self
to have finally accepted my own truth
one that I have long manipulated a lie
I myself have been a lie

I have chosen to live my life in this manner
constantly restricting myself from love
executing it, and making it small
draining it, causing a famine in energies
suffocating it, and bleeding it merciless
walking away from it with my heart
bleeding barely beating because I have taken it back from
you and you and you
I stay up late at night and think how will I regain that thing
that was once mine, and in a instant I slip through a crack
in my mind, and it is there again my flesh in my hands

I can see myself already in it
and Im crying and screaming at the top of my lungs
and you hold onto me and beg me not to go
and I with blood running down my cheeks struggle to get away
struggle to escape just as much as I want to stay
and I brake things and hurl my body to the ground
I create a hunger that shrieks so loud
and I drown myself in the sound
the queen of desolate is what I should be crowned
you stand there behind me, lingering in the background
yet again you have watched how I make myself drown


I impose my own judgement and wonder if its an incorrect soul
or if I make it a rule upon myself to believe that this is so
my hands are open
my chest is open
my legs are open
my heart
my heart
is open

I hold life like a curtain in front of me
and I take a knife that I made with the barbaric woman within myself
and I cut straight down the middle, with a wordless expression
I want to know what is behind it
I want to touch those things that will make my fingertips burn
I want to come close to things that will make my hair rise
I want to rid of this state of mind
and learn how to become more wise

I come close to you
.
.
I Kiss you with my scars
come close to me
.
.
finish me.

let alone the free
set astray the free

everything that she was ever meant to be
has been thrown away into the water
streaming down slowly
down her
her back
a lullably of all those times when the world ate us

alive
it ate us
alive

and I dived into you broken shores
full of broken sea shells
and empty bottles of whiskey
opened by the pirates of your unstoppable heart

hungover by the bench
your stenched cling to salt and me
yes
i remember
i remember
when i woke up next to you
and your eyes
they smelt like me
and your fingers touched like mine

you were exceptional
you were you were
more than phenomenal

breathe down everything i ever gave to you
with rusty canvas and charcoal beaten down
love spells

stuttering memories flood me
running running
breaking
I could wake up face
facing
the floor

while reading the last note you wrote for me left behind the closed door

you gave me your heart
and I asked you to dance with me
I will forever be who I always was
satisfied by the lonliest and everything thing else I have came to be

Im built now with sepia
my metal has rusted
with rain
and with time

come here oh small love
come here petite
pretty little mine

I pair my hands side by side
the servant that I am
I am nothing but that
and I give thanks in the most kind ways
that I did not brake the way I thought I would
after your stigmatic body passed through mine

your poise was perfect
and you walk with your hands trailing behind your back
pointer finger slightly extended
the orchid swan
holding in her tongue
holding in the poison

no architect could have built our castle
ancient ruins falling atop each other like
the moon falls into my scorned eyes in the midnight
when I sit with myself
when the ache hits the center of my black lungs
when the melancholy sighs to me
as if her pain is greater
when I know  that the true haunted king
sleeps in my stomach
arising and coming out of my throat
every so often

while I am sitting on the bench
while I am leaning on the wall inhaling those gray fumes
while I am reading my book
that is when that king comes to me
and wraps me in his hopeless melodies
of the days where we shared the same lips

and all I can do is give thanks
that I did not brake the way I thought I would
that the wound though alive
and breathing with its open sore of reds and pinks
pearls and hatred
did not slit me in half from head to toe

I know with my skin that you take pride in my pain
somewhere in your days you sulk in the compassion
that I hurt for you
it makes you feel wonderful and special
it makes you feel unique and beautiful

that me, who has had love conveyed to me in a thousand tongues
sits here alone like a cement column numb and baring nothing
receiving nothing, maybe simply existing
if that

you tread your eyes upon these poems
knowing in your darkest place that they belong to you
knowing in your darkest corners that you tore me
knowing in that part of your soul that stood naked in front of me
and how that part hid and wore a cloak of white
as to distract me from those short comings where you left me
with a welted heart here on my pillow
gasping for air
that would rather choke than be held by you again

the woman that I really am lays in my hands
and my palms are closing around her
I want to suffocate this thing moving
why do you drape me in the flags of your country
filled with its millions
yet I am so alone within you
countless and needless
pin drops on the wooden floor
where I held onto to you last night
you me
myself
I held onto myself and spoke with charm
because my concience wasnt even there
just my arms

my nose traced the cracks on the floor under me
drops of salty water pressed against my lips
then my tongue
then into me
and recycled for hours

dust leaves its traces on what was something that
was suppose to be a bond without intimacy
but a bond of human love
green birds come to my window and leave black notes
and sing black notes
and spread black notes to other windows

but oh little green bird I fed you when you were hungry
I opened my door for you, to come and seek refuge
I let my words help you
you failed me
oh how you failed me
and you left quite miserably

no gesutre did I give to have you turn your back on me

should I say it
should I ask it
to forgive me for being me
for moving the way I do
for even looking in your direction or speaking to you

love quivered hands
freindships bonded
souls with few simple silent moments
other silences came

torture me so that my fingertips never want to see light
and my day consistently turned into a barren night
no fight exceeded something as such
from a stone a cobble a crystal that I held on to so much
dont let it be that it is any other being you trust

for humans when eyes wet in lucious envy what freindships do is rust

never could I touch the skin that wilted upon
your chest like my heart desired, for my heart was too fragile
I feared my soul would break, and leak all over your glittering skin.
I did not wish to contaminate you with the death that lived within me
in those distant and dark days. I did not wish for you to be a sponge.
nor my cigarette filter. My attempt was only to protect you from
myself.

what I feared most was seeing me in you.
seeing the bits and pieces of my soul that have been missing
hiding somewhere between your thumb and index finger in that warmth.

my poems repeat themselves in agony
they drag me along with them in suffice
I can't control this
its just that sometimes, I choose not to
but I can't


you move Saharan, I only wish you still did
dedicated to those who saw only the intro
never the middle
never the ending
I kiss your ankles

forgive me.

perhaps I am nothing but a torn poet
bleeding my thoughts on some wet footsteps
somewhere in Brooklyn
writing words of a love being loved too much
of a love that was never satisfied
a love that was never enough

perhaps I am nothing but a wondering soul
bed ridden on some broken mattress in Ireland
drenched from the mouth at dawn
overlooking an ancient castle and wondering
how many women cheated on their husbands in its rooms

nothing more than a person responsible for a slower beating of many hearts
responsible for the faster pace of others
something smaller than a thin anxiety running through
the blood of someone I left
or of another person who will never understand me
of another who will never come to terms with me
of another who tore me
of another who did not love me the way I had wished

lavender breaks its seal in some of my mornings
waking me up from the dead with flushed cheeks
and other times rising to the song of the death still stitched in my
empty pupils

perhaps I am just another person who broke too many times
who was sifted on the blackest ground until I lost my mind.heart.soul.
and became nothing but a bottle full of words

nothing but someone who lets the coldness break with the warmth of whiskey.
and the fire of a greater pain

I, through a wasted experience swim in the stick figures of your genitals
and quite frankly, I don't know why I never ****** you
we stained the city shores and the art district
my footprints left behind a tar
I think of you now and miss you hauntingly
the way a soul misses the bed it died on

my eyes read , happy valentine
I don't know why you still contact me
I don't deserve it

days filled with adventure and feet that never stopped
tongues that never halted
hands that kept the beat going
and lips that ceased to be separated

off with his head
my mind cried loud in the nights
and the battle within me began
the tormented tug of mind and the thing that beat in chests

I cant remember the last time I felt guilt
for giving into my lonely ways
until for a minute I thought of you the other day
and the needles starting inflicting their stabs on my
wounds

I miss you.

paralyzing fears
spark different personalities
in the pit of something so much deeper than gesture
you graze inside me like a caged discern waiting to be realesed

you must be realesed


reveal your accent to my forgein tongue
never be shy
in your absence I am still present

still waiting

with your cornacopia imposed on my judgment
I'm extending my arm out to you

sudden inspiration floods the veins in my eyes
when the death of long lost thoughts prances near
you speak of me,--- beautifully my dear
and my anxiety cuts to the chase
who will claim the victory to the blood race

the red fluid which pumps souls
the char emotion that our hearts cant control
the steel weapons
the guilty pleasures that our hands cant hold
my intellect
my issue
was sold
to the most gracious one of them all
and here is where I think about how I should fall
to whom should my feeble knees crawl
and to think would any of it have even been worth the drift at all

poison creeks
I have memorized how he speaks
how he moves his eyes in such a way
to have me sway
into the black pool
shaded by a light arena of dreams

legs crossed in black lace
I feel no disgrace
no hinder in my sexuality
however nothing statifies me more than the thought that
I am  lady
and in my heart there is an army
and in my thoughts many dark alleys
forgivness finds its way into the darkness
steered by my hopeful persistence
on the magnificence marked in everyday

spoke in love tongue
warmed up in laughter
and then woke up one morning and thought my name
the victim says

one morning when I had taken myself away
from this earth
and burried myself in dirt on another place

anywhere oh anywhere other then this petty little world
where only you and the other soul exsist
in the mist and dew in the evaporation of my wet thoughts
within my thoughts
only inside of you
my mind caressed your blood

my steam runs down your veins
will I ever forgive myself for letting you own my mind
and my smoke circles your face
and clings to our breath
and if suffocating crept
I wouldt even recognize you--
death

when here under a opressors arms

simply delighted melting vigorusly in the diluted charm
oh we are everything
everything
but at the moment it dosent
no it dosent seem wrong

taboo dances in the rich ***** rain
it falls onto my shoulders staining my skin
why does the sky call to me in such disturbing ways

I crawled up your wooden ladder to find the sun
I held my heart above the clouds and my head to the gun
and when thunder is striking beneath you
there is not many places you can go
or many places where you can run

my soul churns
at the glance of yours

the sky continues to
.
.
.
pour

The terrible influence of all sorts
and the best part is
the worst has yet to come out of me
I trail on forbidden staircases
where at the top

at the top lies my unconscious loved ones
bare with me as I apologize to them
for keeping them in
for keeping them so tight in soft silk

now I sulk
in them
and I exchange intimate touches
press my fingers so lightly
on the animal hidden so deep inside of me

and I finally let you go
when love is barren
and thoughts escape
and my words are narrow
and I cant write about the one who I have given my heart to

my heart is in my chest
isolated, my heart lies within my heart
do you understand
spiritual within flesh
within blood
hidden away
with the worst part of me

tell me what is more natural
then words pulsating like veins on the paper
then parchment quivering in my very hands
a emotion once breeding in the chest of a human
something moving hungrily under inflicted skin
something making its way like cement from the pit
of a stomach, rushing through blood
a raging emotion fleeting the body
and out into the physical world

tell me what is more natural
then an essence so calm
the only thing more beautiful than love
is the words of love, its description
the endless manuscripts written by
hands and hearts who where at some point in time
experiencing a divine emotion
a description in default of the macabre
and how tears are made and fall from eyes
a horror ringing in the homes of so many books
as to how a human can die mentally
a proof that this is more than real
that a mental rot is existent

tell me what is more natural
than the thunder that protrudes from hearts
galloping like a non tamable beast gathering flesh
racing like light into the universe
words describing the sun
and how she burns
and how she dies

the moon sits in the midnight sky
like a beautiful mistress happy that she is once
again alone and enveloped in the darkness that she
mourns and sings with, when the light has departed

the trees sit like stakes of wisdom
soundlessly crying for the humanity that it witnesses
they see what no one sees, they hear what no one hears

the ocean a translucent mystery, consuming
killing men, and calming men
she too whispers secrets through her energy

and tell me what is more natural than to write of these things
then to make poems and literature of them

and if in essence you cannot find beauty in literature
I encourage it best that you question your faith in humanity
I encourage you to see if your blood mentally runs thick
that your heart speaks and understands its wonders that
flusters and ***** mankind's mind
every woman and man is a poet or painter
every human has it in them to make art that speaks life's real truth
for miles and acres

come my most adored pain
my most cruel love
lets us fly on the wings of infants
let us bathe in the paint of white innocence
come to me with your palms wide open
so that I may read those brittle creases
and see myself within them
come to me on your mornings
when your head hurts
so that I may kiss the indent of your
beautiful temple
come to me when when your eyes
have become drought
and your heart a famine
so that I may plant the seeds of my sorrow
into you
and rub the heat of your bruised cannon

come to me when all has withered away
crawl to me on your knees
so that I may give you the strength within me
when you come to me I want you to say
let us **** our hearts and shun this dismay
tell me its okay
that today will be that day
when blood turns from brown to red
and hearts burn and shiver under the sun
in the midday
our lips wont touch, fingers stilted in a wither
I beg you
I beg you
to stay

and look at you with eyes of wonder, gratitude, chastity
I
I
will always feel you this way

my solitude was the closest things to me
and please I ask you to take it and **** it if you may

I tiptoe like a slave escaping his prison
held for crimes that he never committed
to you
to you
I have forfited
towards your dark beauty
I am driven
lets bathe in the dust
of our elephants tusks
I will shower you with my skin
and whatever it is that is left of this
worlds luck

I find that ebb into alienation
brings flow to my psyche

the blood coursing through me
runs at a higher tide
my love for all the things that I so
admire
diminishes when I walk out
from retaliation
and it is yet that I have
discovered meaning profound enough
to detach me from all these
miniscule things

for what is more powerful
then the notion that moves us all
for any reason
even the *******
mmm the *******

hidden under water
that can crush the skull
hidden under all the darkest parts of you
hidden in the tombstone
or in the first house you grew up in

we all yearn for the same thing

frail innocence
waiting for you to abide by my silent eyes
and my calm wrists
the white flowers fall off your cheeks in my sleep
and I'm condemed by you
I thirst like a child waiting for your simple words
simple words that will finally end these little waves

simple sighs

to end the paleness that floats aloft inside of me and alone
I have too much courage for this small body
too much strength for all this fragility
to simply get a glimpse of your slightly aged skin
to simply be able to listen to your voice
even in my thoughts

minutes ago I thought you left me
but you return like a raging revelation
stricken like vampires in the vultures nest
on the night when silence consumes brittle
sentimentality
and white owls howl their wordless short comings

moments ago I thought I had been drained
but then when execution of fortresses that
burn like brittle twigs on the warmest day of all summers
burn in me
for even in the draining of words there are words
even in the most Saharan and drought seconds in life
there is poetry

the soles of my feet burn in this desert
my blood simmers with the heat
my body lags and sweats the sweat of Egyptian slaves
and my moments in this anxiousness feel like days
I have endless mirages and within them
I see many things in all sorts of ways

I believe that time and time again you have saved me
from the remorse of countless burdens that I hold on top of my chest
I lay on my back, heavy
and I feel as though that the insanity in every asylum
screams its anxiety into my woman breast
and then at some breaking point in time
you make my hands shake with the nervousness
of writing my **** thoughts down on paper
and I give those screams to you
my beloved poetry

it is not you that abandons me
it is I that abandons you
its my self punishment and self reserve
of selfishness looking to find something deeper
when nothing goes deeper than you
and I write this as a reminder within my awakening
of these revelations of potency and a committed relationship
to make love to and feel you from the gloomy inside
it is you my passion that I will stay committed to
you are the reason that I have come to be
you are the reason that I learned to differentiate between being a  child and a youth
you are the reason that I have grew
it is indeed because of you that I have crossed borders of
mental recognition and went places that others wouldn't dare to go
in thought
so that I may gather the seeds and relentless loves in life
so that I can give them to you to help you flourish and grow
so that when I am gray, wrinkled, and old
I may bask
harmoniously in a vast garden full of the plants of life
dead and alive

I always admired the idea of being with someone
but not the actual action of it
comparison to suicide
the thought make love to my vessels
and my veins
and I proclaim that after you
my blood cells will never be the same
transfigured by your simple gestures
your sweet talk
and the veins that run through your hands
your smile that makes my stomach churn
and the words that make atoms burn

I sit in corners speaking to quietly
I dare not raise my voice
I just expect you to come to me-I let my frustration grow
love pains
when pain is the only
love, you know

I saw how silence rang in your hands
hiding secrets of illuminating tales torn.from the deep of human life.
trickled down like a prostitutes coldness. I breathe eager the things
that I did not work for to get. To know I can pick hearts like flowers
with he and she loves me yes and nots. I sit on the staircase outside like
a little girl in my white dress. just for a second I felt innocent.
and then comes that feeling inside. the rude awakening of brushed upon skin
too many salty droplets and a cringing thing named adulthood
soothing joys dance around like lazy stars without a care in the world
if only I was a star or even a particle of dust simply floating around in the air
I can make myself anything I please. I lie to myself.

lovers be lost. I can choose one. but what a crime a voice inside me yells
oh no no
what a crime.

should the nature bend
when Im bent
under the expression of the days
when I knew love as a child
knew love like child

hidden beneath your hands of purity
hands that purified me
then emptied me of being a woman
and then filled me with knowledge
of love
and all those other things that come along with it

I remember years later
years
years
years
it dosent fit well into my comprehension
that the years have passed us by
and your kiss rings at my door bell
as if I knew who it was before I reached the door ****

and everything in you kills
it kills me
torture defying the law of gravity
in ways that heartless people shall know
what it is to have a heart

what it is to feel
to feel
as if you are being eaten alive by something
so much bigger than you
and your are condemed
and I am condemed

by something that is
so much
bigger than me'

and I let it swallow me
swallow me whole
into something that makes me feel split in half
in half beautifully

and I am condemed
and you are condemed
by something that is so much more

---

beautiful than me

I will dig into the deepest heap, where we left our subtle reminders
of fishing down by the desert
rose palm
long gone
and all in all
to bring up broken hands
the ones we wave with ,hello
a deep purple kind of yellow
treading torwards the light blue water
before I remember when it wasnt that light
the sun hits my eye's
slumber awakens those cries
that drip drop with my permanent happiness
somewhere
I'm unaware