Poetry
oh her
I speak to her as a woman
because
she feels too much
she leaks too much
she burns too much
she cries too much
she loves too much

I have hung my self to dry on the lines of a greater theory

I am not me anymore

I feel pity for the woman inside of me

I feel pity for my greater infant that slowly faints in the darkness

and I feel pity for my health

I feel pity for the fact that I feel pity for my very self
I have lost control of mental wealth
completely embedded in the filthy secrets and the stealth

A simple careless whisper will do me well
the years I have disguised them time and time again
but quite honestly its been nothing but hell
time and time again I fell
time and time again put under that ***** spell
time and time again I have let you in after you rang my rusty doorbell
and time and time again I have asked you to leave or dragged you out
and bid you my simple farewell
from you
love
love
I have rebelled
I cant stand the taste of you
or even bare your smell
Im am sealed in this shell
love
love
you have made me unwell

I speak to you, not a person
but the emotion itself
locked with the carved letters of
blood
blood shed by so many men in our history
and a mortal death for the hearts of many

If I can turn you into something I could touch I would suffocate you
and rid of our exsistence, to speak quite bluntly

oh love how you make the skin on my stomach feel the bone in my back
like a starving child caved into emptiness
I feel the impact of your  dread on my body physically
and oh how you eat away at me
and dig me so far into this abyss with your anarchy
how you breathe in me awfully and tend me to be angry

oh but how I yearn for your beauty
in the back of my mind I must admit
for the first time I will release the child confession
of my ample and frigid like weakness
I feel my very marrow deteriorating with thoughts of you
love

love here me when I speak to you
you live in happy homes and in the hearts of few
and have become such a taboo

love tell me what can I do to undo
the witches and warlocks in my souls venue
the black voodoo and the monstrous zoo
that infested my purity and scorned my very tissue
time and time again I have thought this through

but where can I go to repair the damage when love is the answer
when the answer is
*you

I hold these thoughts as I hold onto my infested pupils
my hands open like that of an infant in sleep
curved fingers, innocent and unexpecting of what is to come
the life
the street corners
the slum hearts
and the filthy
all the ends and all the starts
the loved ones who will depart
the torn bed sheets
and the opening of evil flowers
in the dirt of small drunken conversations
the murders and the beauty
of the old burnt down houses
I forget everything

only to be brought back to this state
feeling like a child.

you gave me your heart
and I asked you to dance with me
I will forever be who I always was
satisfied by the lonliest and everything thing else I have came to be

Im built now with sepia
my metal has rusted
with rain
and with time

come here oh small love
come here petite
pretty little mine

Dust travels in soft tones through your eyeslids
a face of remarkable joy
hidden in between my fragile fingers
lingering waiting for you to hold
come by those old feilds
where the rumors use to grow
and breathe with me
to help me forget everything I now know
in places where we smile
places I never go
I hide it all undreathe conversation
its good conversation though

I can tell you what it is, that feeling
but before, I must let you know I have dusty corners that need to be fixed from floor to ceiling

now in this room there is no use in stealing
its not gradual, look in my eyes in one second if i allow it, you will know the meaning

in my hands, beneath my palms there is a pounding
as water embraces the ocean, can you feel yourself drowning

trembling I hold it out of my chest
my hands are dripping in blood, and right now I cannot tell you the rest
here we don't use words, because there is no use for them

once they told me .....
but I refuse to believe that,
although I find trouble convincing myself - no they are lies
a lingering whisper that comes to me occasionally tells me otherwise

that little girl that lingered in the open spaces
with her nerves she traces
symbolic memoirs of something fading
I went downtown just to go downtown, no reason in particular
, days like those I cherish the beauty of solitude and city lights

after I got to the mountains I blushed to myself
when they came to say hi
this isn't were I belong
do I seem like an open book
I am an open book

but only the right eyes can read its invisible words
that were written with the happiness of few things
--
and the pain of many many things

behind my words there is a calling
read between the lines, can you feel yourself falling

slowly now I feel your wounds healing
I can show you what it is, that feeling

but before I must let you know, I have dusty corners that must be fixed from floor to ceiling.

learning patterns of juggaling thoughts persuading me
to lean in and sweep away the energy that lies within your fragile body
imperative blows straight to the deepest part of the
deepest side of me,

then deeper--

talk gentely of those mingling loners passing by
treasuring what we live in
and what we live through
the ticking of the black clock
currently in rotation in my head

bowing we go further than this
I plead no more

I beg you its something I rather not miss
when you fall in this after that first kiss
--
and then you tarry on into differant levels
of explosive bliss

rebound the character of my moral game
I hope this is something you want to insist on more than 4 times
maybe more than that

maybe Im selfish and spoiled
and deserve nothing more than to have you simply look in my direction

I see how it is now
I feel how it is now
my hand softly playing with my skin

its time I let myself in

past phase through mansions of vampires
that lurk at my doorstep and ask for garlic and white flags
just bare with me please
one more time through this
just one last time through this
sire I grasp these iron lungs and beg for forgiveness
at the thought of your gratitude I am driven
to find something far greater than you
although

I know its impossible
I know its impossible

the room is copper
your hair is not there,
how I knew it all along

I bare

because the one thing that will drive you to destruction besides love is
despair

hoping for something greater than this
just a little better than this

I know its impossible

strangers meeting on the wrong path
but going to the same place
I asked what its all about,
this glorifying race

built beneath the soles of ancient people
who call me every night in my dreams
to tell me,
that there was once a light
and that everyday the passes it goes deeper and deeper into
this black cave

for our world is changing in all the wrong ways

I tell you I have been weary for days and days
you called me to tell me it would be okay

I just want to tell you trembling like a leaf in a storm
I laughed and talked about how i just wish I was home
and smelled the stench of fresh cut green grass

with the thought tickling my tongue
I realize that very rare good things last
some go bad
and some are still great


my thoughts are more confused than my words
and I know sometimes I may sound absurd

but forgive me for saying that once I lied and said I never heard what I heard
and that I really am lonely
and that I really dont know what I'm living for

all you had to do was take that little look from me
or rather more give me that look of yours
come with me cause you know you can
come with me cause you know you should
I ask you too cause I know you wouldnt

so they say that sometimes things are better left half done

no matter how far I push the ice I will never feel like I'm half way there

outside the old bar I smelt the alcohol in your breath

when you told me you never wanted to say it
and then you let it go
you broke free
and thats when I turned around and decided to leave everything behind me

including you

my hand slowly slipped off the back of your wet neck as I walked away

I leaned against the light pole
something classical faintly playing in the background
and I'm thinking to myself I'm never going to forget this day

I know your still standing behind me watching me
I yelled inside my head you will hate yourself for this
but I didnt turn back

I stuck the needles in all the right places
and stuck the warmth in all the wrong places

and my end result was a bleeding soul with no guidance from that smile I needed desperatley

just water from the clouds
falling down

falling down

your syllables once sprouted butterflies in my womb
and now those same letters off a strangers tongue have
manifested the monsters growing in my pit
layers retreating back to the moment i layed eyes on you
layers that have fallen away
and are rotting on my doorstep
your smile
but I must say
that little smirk
that still makes me forfit the flesh in my body
if only that and not all the rest
shackled in old rusty chains
I beg to dismiss myself
yet I cling to stay
dip your hands into me
please

immortal rush paralyzing my whole, leaving but my fingers
twitching
continually falling images of you pulsating in my veins
clear the dock oh noble
this man has invaded my terrain
and in the plain we speak
in white white voices
perched upon my shoulder a whisper of your precious times
hold me in your laughter forever
please
looking into my ceiling
one that you are not under
reverence creeps to me at this point
and thoughts are abolished
like a thousand pounds of gore descended from every corner of my mind
a mind that is deplete
when you are not around

sounds from the neck pollute the air
as I fall between ripples of warm skin
lint grazes me
as you smile to my ear
speak to me in your souls language so my soul can hear
down my chest falls a tear

its overwhelming

everything you are is now mine
in a world that falls like water paint on thin paper we dine

and whats mine is yours
connecting in more ways than one, as does the ground when the sky pours
hours immense into something that should reach darkness outside this earth

Im almost captivated by too much

grant me the company of true energy
I am falling hot in this abyss of your sacred thoughts revealing themselves to me through touch
and silent conversation
an auroa so tender it should be painted
driving me to the end of a feeling, irresistable
speechless breathless and naked

the souls a wreck
shes coming
or going
and its all uphill from here
but wether it down or up its still a catastophe
and if shes steady going, then where could she possibly be
the bright shines in the late night sky
and its another minute where she forces herself to say goodbye
a tear falling down on to her smile
and she realized that its all her fault
but she knows all this was not meant to be
where is it that your feet walk
when the sun leans beside your shoulder
when the earth eats you alive
and in reality in the back of your head all you want to do is die
but your to scared to admitt it to your frail body
because in that instant you will break
but then you wonder how much of it can i really take
when you wake up everyday singing this is the song of life

if this pulsating addiction through my brain
can be more than madness
than I
I am more than nothing
cause when something so big, its condemed to itself
all it has left to do is diminish
into hunderds of icy little peices
covering my body
seeping down into my grittle bone
haunting under the light pole
polariods laughing in my head
dimmed creatures
humming
kiss me
kiss me
haunted

Im am so mesmorized for you
and the way you sit with your hand on your cheek
smoking your nicotine
speaking about venice and the lions in your closet
your blushing and speaking red
and I am watching you

I am watching you
--
move your tongue lightly on air and
tell me your stories in the most
simple word,
please
the creses in your forehead
shedding all the deatil
I am afraid to be too close to you

watching your hair fall to the side of your face
watching your veins pulsate
adorning your 5 o'clock shadow
you pushed me against the window pane
and shoved everything you had

that break me till I cant break anymore
kind of
love

I throw my arms above me---
to where I cant see them anymore
little dimness tracing at my vision

but am I blind now
or was I blind before
or am I still blind
or was I previously blind
or is this you
and this is my cycle
and you always come back

but I can never find you
and I am nowhere to be seen
perhaps on some forgein path

on my way to buy chardonnay and mint

how can you let me watch how you move
when you know my simplicity will fall apart after you leave
I thought before I met you
that i let my mind drift into forbidden places
but after you
I realized for the first time what forbidden was
it was being in between that little space in between your lips
soft and delicatley spoken your eyes conversate
with every crease on my suffocating palms
palms that suffocate for you
one set by the other
oh how they all faded away so simply
drifted away so weary
and those whom I kicked out calmly
but you

I will miss you dearly

maybe this is what you want
goodmorning to a smile
goodnight to a smile
humming in the heart of someone unfathomable
light hearted and untainted
maybe but only slightly
but just not enough
to feel the rigid edges
to know that they are always there
I dont deserve this
maybe thats it

your light heartedness
my soul merely corrupt and haunted
stained and discolored over and over
the same spots
by my life

my lovely life
that I accept and appreciate
for showing me what I know

a painful world that you never exsisted in is
where I spent my nights as a child

let alone the free
set astray the free

everything that she was ever meant to be
has been thrown away into the water
streaming down slowly
down her
her back
a lullably of all those times when the world ate us

alive
it ate us
alive

and I dived into you broken shores
full of broken sea shells
and empty bottles of whiskey
opened by the pirates of your unstoppable heart

hungover by the bench
your stenched cling to salt and me
yes
i remember
i remember
when i woke up next to you
and your eyes
they smelt like me
and your fingers touched like mine

you were exceptional
you were you were
more than phenomenal

breathe down everything i ever gave to you
with rusty canvas and charcoal beaten down
love spells

stuttering memories flood me
running running
breaking
I could wake up face
facing
the floor

while reading the last note you wrote for me left behind the closed door

soft ruins play through the hands of your silky palms
whats here now has now gone
nobody can come up with a definition to explain to me how exactly this could be wrong
even though I have actually seen it all along
from time to time I remember the bitter notion,
how you let me dip myself in that bitter potion
and theyre the ones left to deal with all the mingled distoration
poor they for they are the ones who helped antagonize the poor mice
how you let them roll their own dice , and never once did it
land on anything more than 4
left them there all ****** up and high
although they fed them all the plumbs they wanted
never the less they were daunted
mingling monstrosities venture into this cannabis along with the other creeps
and that too isnt even good anymore
audotioning to be the perfect everything we all fail every single time
until it comes to that one audition when that person says she is perfect she is the one
but I'm sorry audtionors judgers and the court but for now I'm done
done for I have weaved my own little special web
I make my own fiery bread
and I dance naked in public in the vast imagination in my head
your words and their cares are the last of the last of my concerns the ones that are meant not to exsist
folding into peice by peice slowly streaming myself down the walls of this euphoric abyss
I met this boy one time who had this little lisp
he sat close to me and explained a lot of things I didnt know
years years and more years later they in a way helped me grow
you might not be able to tell me happy birthday next year

tonight might make my heart beat so fast
Im a radical yes, and I might let go a little atlast
the circus down the street wakes me up every morning
the drops of dew fall off my shoulders from those precious white lilies
that you left on my front door with a note that whispered softly to me
you make me blush
I kiss my own hand and prepare it to write my soul on parchment
In a language thats almost invisable to eyes that reveal themeselves to quik for interest
sometimes my fingers are too strong and the paper is too thin
but the walls of the trees and the sand never fails
and the leaves on the ground are always smiling at me when I walk there to write about this
I feel the butterflies in every corner, everytime I look up with a daffodil pressed against my lips
I say no your beauty makes me blush

the trees fall down
and they have came and left so quickly
this nature of life
should I say goodbye so easily
when I feel like the hello has barely embraced my quivering lips
that quivered in your days
some powerless
some overwhelming with a feeling of conquer

should I forget you and move on
as time dosent wait for you or me
than why should I

is it done, and this new white page
it just sits in front of me
this blank book, of what is yet to come
within more bewildered days
of love, meeting, rememberence, conversation, wine and hope

I left my country
I left everyone in it
I casted myself away from destructive situations
one that lead back to that one boy
no not him
it was another one
that I casted myself from
the other was a simple breeze that I let rub my cheeks
and didnt think twice about its angry departure
I simply let the madness caress me
and then when it threatened me I left fruitfully
laughter lingering behind my back

I lived on different land
sang on different land
I delved into abstract minds and conversation on different land
I held hands on different land
I kissed on different land
and evidently I weeped and suffered on different land

I sat down watching them yell and scream in happiness
its a new chapter in the life of the universe, and me
I was on sand floating on less familiar waters
in my beautiful country

I went further into loneliness than most would dare
sat there in the mountains weekend after weekend
keeping myself company
it was then and there I realized more of me
got a better feel of what I was really like

I came back to find what I left
but this time things seemed prettier
the water tasted sweeter
life seemed heavier
and my soul it felt lighter
while I sunk in deeper
to you and you and you
and you who stuck out
you who patience struck like a vertical war blade
in parts of me I didnt know had life

patience, it fell on a rock that was harder than I thought
in the pit of my stomach
like hands gripping me tightly
I gripped onto you tightly
I held you there for as long as I could
till meaning came to my story
and I was able to decipher
that this wasnt like those novels I read when
I was a little girl
although I felt like I child
when your air would mingle with me
and your laugh would
make
my
hands
shake

--
little to none was the worst
in where drunken nights lead to drunken mornings
which lead to drunken fights
on drunken hearts
they beat differently

and now
now I think differently
and its a new year

should the nature bend
when Im bent
under the expression of the days
when I knew love as a child
knew love like child

hidden beneath your hands of purity
hands that purified me
then emptied me of being a woman
and then filled me with knowledge
of love
and all those other things that come along with it

I remember years later
years
years
years
it dosent fit well into my comprehension
that the years have passed us by
and your kiss rings at my door bell
as if I knew who it was before I reached the door ****

and everything in you kills
it kills me
torture defying the law of gravity
in ways that heartless people shall know
what it is to have a heart

what it is to feel
to feel
as if you are being eaten alive by something
so much bigger than you
and your are condemed
and I am condemed

by something that is
so much
bigger than me'

and I let it swallow me
swallow me whole
into something that makes me feel split in half
in half beautifully

and I am condemed
and you are condemed
by something that is so much more

---

beautiful than me

do you corrupt me
when I walk into the black kitchen
where lovers make other lovers meet
where here we keep the peace
in your house of love and joy
and sweet matromony

do I corrupt you
when I back away in needless nothingness
sayings in where i dont speak
hold my tongue and you would run from the
lions who want your blood on their tongue
branch off into streams and rivers
understand that I am not what you want

that I am not what you want

the woman that I really am lays in my hands
and my palms are closing around her
I want to suffocate this thing moving
why do you drape me in the flags of your country
filled with its millions
yet I am so alone within you
countless and needless
pin drops on the wooden floor
where I held onto to you last night
you me
myself
I held onto myself and spoke with charm
because my concience wasnt even there
just my arms

my nose traced the cracks on the floor under me
drops of salty water pressed against my lips
then my tongue
then into me
and recycled for hours

dust leaves its traces on what was something that
was suppose to be a bond without intimacy
but a bond of human love
green birds come to my window and leave black notes
and sing black notes
and spread black notes to other windows

but oh little green bird I fed you when you were hungry
I opened my door for you, to come and seek refuge
I let my words help you
you failed me
oh how you failed me
and you left quite miserably

no gesutre did I give to have you turn your back on me

should I say it
should I ask it
to forgive me for being me
for moving the way I do
for even looking in your direction or speaking to you

love quivered hands
freindships bonded
souls with few simple silent moments
other silences came

torture me so that my fingertips never want to see light
and my day consistently turned into a barren night
no fight exceeded something as such
from a stone a cobble a crystal that I held on to so much
dont let it be that it is any other being you trust

for humans when eyes wet in lucious envy what freindships do is rust

I brokedown forth right into this eloquent state
smiles rub my warmth
and I melt harder
and harder
into breathing easily
easier then anything that ever exsisted
easier than the cool winds that blow
through your hair and then in between my sighs

and I sat down and held my knees together
on top of the wet grass where I use to remember
hearing the sweetest lullabys of childhood
crashing themeselves into my body
and I melt harder
and harder
into breathing more so easily

easier then the time I looked into your eyes and your london left its burning letter
and easier then the time I fully built up the
guts to walk away from the building where only the
floor had been built

and I closed my eyes
as I danced on top of the ruins the wars inside of me left behind
I threw my heart into the sky
forgetting the fear of having it fall on nothing
and then giving into something in that
old old world
of nothing

happiness persecutes everything inside of me
and I melt harder
and harder
into breathing more easily

my eyes they do wonder
more than you will ever know
will they always
tend to find themeselves in thoughts unpredicted
by even myself
who could probe so deep, mingle so lightly
with touches and sighs not meant to come out they way they do
but even more
so much more
then what ill ever draw with my finger
love dipped sand gripped
oh autumn summer fall
gray September
red winter
sepia summer
under leaves and leaves

ocean

the ocean never changed
where I felt touch as a woman
released my first sighs as a woman
doing bad so bad
under things that were so beautiful

that was so beautiful

I mix and walk back
I must be a woman
to walk this way

and to look into all of your eyes
and feel nothing
and then feel everything

alcohol

white fresh and tastes like spring
under the imagination of so many things
I can go on forever

you know
about cups lovers creeps echos and black *******
that helps me flow

and I still bend to weak minds and words
I still bend to eyes fleeting destruction
to eyes who try to lie about everything
make believe they are something
dieing inside from nothing
bleeding tape around mouths with tongues that are too narrow
for proper speech

i still bend to beauty and love for the sake of -- love
or anything of such kind
meanings lost mixed and revealed through each other
with such discreet difference in between
and I feel the difference
and the contrast only makes me fall deeper into things that i don't know

once discovered

I grab my scarf wrap it around my neck with a thin cancer mutation in between my fingers
select my watch drape it around my wrist
put all belongings where they belong
and check out into the next hotel of
malicious life tones

should I lay chin pressed against the pillow
I held onto as i child
times where I believed the world consisted so little of the color black
the hue overlaps my movements
even when I wave hello to every man that has ever come across me
the hellos to every man that has ever possessed me in that sense
but no not ever
really
tunes that fled into my ocean
when I was a child
oh times where I knew that life didn't offer much mercy
for your plead
and your case never stretched so far
so little
so little
you will always be
in heaps and large amounts of light hearted
daunted quainted quilted
catastrophe
ebbs into clear water that tastes like medicine
down me
down me
the day that i came into this place
I learned to stand straight
live so gracefully under a veil that will become permanent
and under eyes
under my real eyes
hands that moved
under my real hands
and thoughts that spoke themselves on paper
and never
never
out loud
I stray walk and smile
into every being of interest
destroy captivate
release
inhale
exhale
all the love
all the love

tinted poetry
poetic in my own utter for trying to
grasp something that is close
to reaching the sun with my shoulders

my heart touched the sun when It encountered
your reluctant fire.
Nights where I felt as if love would suffocate me
with madness that was to good to be true
and you held me with the veins of your mind
and tugged at me with the strings of your eyes

gripping onto you when we would walk
let it be that everyone knew that you belonged to my hands
and my hands ran over you body
just mine
you took my blue stones
blue stones
and set them on fire with your demonic lips
of shamelessness given to you by your manhood
a kind that was all too good to be true

skin full of color that wasn't there when you where born
a body composed of pure art and gesture
permanently scared
your neck sang
and your pelvis cracked against my hip
when the sand dunes went in too deep
the earth eroded
and our universe collapsed
between our two separate places

and after everything was gone
dead
we breathe
in and out so so
slowly

soft laughter sighs
what are you doing tomorrow like questions
float in the heavy air around us
and all I know for certain
is that
this will end

I limit my mind sometimes
to its endless space
which is not so endless
but
it is
years pass and still i tend to indulge in your hands on me
tension releasing itself to times where
it isn't really always there
but it is
smiles and understanding of who it is
me
no full comprehension
but a different one
so subtle and incomplete
the fact that this abstract thing isn't obsolete is
what helps us breathe through this
this
thing that has no name
and i can imagine you standing at our doorstep
just staring as i walk away to buy
milk perhaps some wine to help us live through another day
I remember thinking to myself
this is so wrong its right
and this is so right that its wrong
and neither ever lasted to long
so my state you cant imagine
living in a house with 6 doors
I never know who is going to walk in
when the locks are loose
when the wood is rotting
and when the paint just doesn't look the same anymore
thought goes so far
only so far into mass soul
so far into my soul where in my skin under my blood
there is control
so where do we go from here
this standing earth on another mind
into the deepest deepest and
darkest kind
of knowing each -- one another
of being brought up to say no to situations like these
because they can leave you
where they left them
or where simple thoughts left romeo and Juliet
on cold stone
with cold lips
closed eyes
and heartless

once again she has mastered the art of getting stuck in the same empty room
the one in which she ends up in after a rough night
the intoxicated water streaming down her throat
and down the most sincere part of any women
flowing through every blood vessel
he grips her thighs
she accepts the hand shake
the welcome
the greeting
instead he is the one coming in
she serves tea coffee and truffles
around the house she is the tour guide
she opens the door to a room with double locks
as she is putting her clothes back on
he leaves
without a uttering a simple goodbye thank you
or ill never forget this
as she walks back into the room in her mind where he first sat
she notices the dust on the full plates and glasses
coffee untouched
tea untouched
truffles going bad
and she thinks to herself
how could I do such a thing