sheets bind your legs
you're covered in white.
I watched you in battle,
and you lost the fight.

your skin's now a canvas.
scars. tubes in your arms.
the ache to be free will not
stop those alarms.

so you break from the bed,
trace lines on the wall.
eyes scan the room blankly,
on me, they don't fall.

my arms long to hold you,
I stick by the door.
I don't even flinch when
you fall to the floor.

the nurses are gone now,
but I couldn't yell,
when you slipped from the window
and laughed as you fell.

it wasn't the drugs.
dope, coke, or crack.
all you needed to live
was for me to come back.

The buildings high
The night sky as dark
As the depths of my soul
The city lights
Drowning out any
And all stars
That dared tried to peek
At us mere humans

It was nice
For a little while
But then
I realized
I want to travel
So I can see the world
I know there is more
Than just my little town
My state
Even my country
Is too small for me

Take away my stars
And you take away
Everything I love

I don't know
Where to go
What to do
How to do it
Why I'm here

I'm a lost girl
On a search
For Patricia Pan
Maybe
Just maybe
She can give me a compass
That will point
To where I should be

I can't be
On my own
Like I always am
You said you'd be here
When I needed you most

I understand now
You need to take better care
Of yourself
I can't rely on you;
My unsteady wall
Made of loose rocks
Instead of bricks
With concrete to keep them in place

If I try to lean on you
I know you will fall
I try to be gentle
But you need to be able
To support yourself
And I need to be able
To respect that

It's just so hard
When I try
To have a simple conversation
With you
And get shut down
Or left hanging
Every
Single
Time

I can't admit
That I'm not okay
It's not fair of me
To expect you
To notice
Whenever I need something
Like a shoulder
Or a hug
Or even just an ear to listen

I need you
And I need you
To realize that

I am addicted to you
Every ounce of what I can find
In the depths of your soul
I hear you calling me
Keeping me up all hours of the night

The idea of being able to awake
With you by my side
Is enough to drive me mad
For hours, no, days on end

It’s a rare ten minutes
Where you don’t cross my mind
The sad part is
I can’t distance myself
From you

My subconscious
Is addicted as well
You have appeared
In countless dreams
The hero in my nightmares
I blink and see you

My body craves your heat
The curve of your spine
I long to memorize
Every outline
Of muscle and spot
Every blemish on your skin

If you dare ask
If I’m addicted to you
I will nod quietly
And beg you
Not to stage
An intervention

So it begins,
that song comes on.
It's not attached to any one event,
no breakup or loss.
It's just intrinsically sad.
It doesn't way upon the soul,
or displace the mind.
It causes a sadness,
not like a madness or depression.
It's too clean for that.
I'm not implying that they are *****,
or bad.
No, they are just torn and tattered,
much like the old blanket they make you want to bury yourself in,
to hide where daylight will never seep in.
Rather this sadness is crystalline,
a pure movement of emotion.
A product of dark and shimmering beauty,
much akin to tears,
the ones that roll slowly down one's cheek
as the song goes on.
This sound,
this jumbling of frequencies,
an phonemes.
Words that mean so little upon listening,
but so much upon LISTENING,
and melodies played upon a machine.
This song about choices,
about struggling, about strength.
This perfect sound,
this glimmering song,
is life.

Do not stand at my grave and weep..
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry..
I am not there. I did not die.