I thought I knew what lonely was
sitting in my room by myself
I thought I felt lonely then
I never knew what it really was
then you came into my world
and the moments with out you
opened me to the real meaning of lonely
yet even in those moments
I think of your voice, your face
the way the light shines in your eyes
and the loneliness fades a little
and I know that soon it'll go away

the insanity
consuming me
confusing me
ultimately
losing me
who I am
I refuse to be
my careless
thoughts
bruising me
deluding me
using me
in the end
forgetting me
and it's ok
it is the way
it's supposed to be

endless worry assaults me
pushes me to the ground
I struggle for clarity for purpose
darkness and turmoil surround me
focus and drive elude me
why can't I be like you
why do I struggle for dedication
I look at you all you work you do
panic fills me, anxiety strikes shame... shame
The dark inside calls out insidious
leave it all, stop the struggle
the darkness invites, entices
tears flow, why, can I not find it
the purpose, the drive, it eludes me
I struggle, I flail, no island no refuge
how long can I hold on, resist, how long

I want to shout it to the world
I love you, I love you
I want to tell everyone
I love you, I love you
I want to write it in the stars
On the moon, the face of mars
I love you, I love you
I want whisper it in your ear
I want to hold you
You so dear
I love you, I love you
Instead I hide it from the world
but never from you
I want to hold you in my arms
and give my love to you

I saw you again today
it's painful so painful
how beautiful you are
and you don't even know

I saw you in a dream
it's pitiful so pitiful
how much I miss you still
and you don't even know

I looked up to the stars
it's beautiful so beautiful
they make me think of you
and you don't even know

I peered into my heart
it's confused so confused
you're still inside of me
and you don't even know

Sometimes I wish
I could unlearn
what it means to be me
to wake up and find
a stranger in my skin
someone who was
better able to hide
what they think and feel
not spout out emotion
it's depth like the ocean
instead able to deal out
the cruelty that is given
to return it gladly
but I am who I am
and I'll take what you give
while the waters grow cold

I'm always lonely
but never alone
I live in a house
but is it my home

I sit in this room
day after day
hiding from changes
only I can make

Waiting and hoping
chained myself up
locked by illusions
can't set myself free

Where is the jailer
I thought it was me
trapped by delusions
forgotten the key

Afraid of if not
Consumed by what if
Wanting to change
but how to begin

She took me like a storm
like a force of nature
it wasn't something looked for
like a storm she came
and like a storm she went
quiet and quickly and
I find myself wishing that
the storm would come again
standing against the wind
against the rain and thunder
the bright flashes of lightening
the feelings rose from deep inside
unasked, but not unwanted
a smell of the tropic, coconut
I close my eyes and she appears
a storm brews, this time inside
and I know I have to let go
letting go is so hard to do
even harder when you never
really had anything in your hands
the mind clings, the heart grips
good bye, good bye
tear filled eyes aching chest
good bye

I exist
in the quiet moments
I wait
When you don't speak
I live
to hear the sound of your voice

I exist
in anticipation of your touch
I wait
to feel the softness of your skin
I live
When our bodies meet

I exist
to breathe your scent
I wait
to be near to you
I live
when I smell you on my skin

I exist
to brush my lips against your skin
I wait
to explore you with my lips
I live
when I taste  you on my lips

look in my face, stare in my soul
it's tattered and it's stained
but see its vibrant glow
look in my eyes they're not empty holes
they watch the world around me
in them secrets are told
look a bit deeper don't be afraid
look and see my wonders
look and see what has been made

She lives in a fairy tale
one that's gone far wrong
she'd found her prince
her one true love
as had went the song
He took her hand
down on one knee
and promised her the world
She'd had it all, her hopes
and her dreams, though
soon to be deferred
Her prince began to find
other things instead
to fill his time and attention
then left her all alone
giving the barest of affection
time would pass, for this fair lass
until the time would come
she'd speak her mind
it was time to find another
stay he'd plea, stay he'd ask
you are my whole world
with out you who would I be
with out you there is no me
and as he would pledge his doom
she would relent, her courage spent
and for a time as it had once
been, he'd show her that affection
once more secure he'd imprisoned her
time would pass and once again
he'd put her to the side
the fairy tale she thought she'd have
was only just a lie

There are days when I feel
the darkness closing in
the darkness from inside of me
but I won't let it win
there days when things go wrong
when all it seems is lost
when the fog of despair clouds over
the hope and brightness, of happiness
in those moments with out hope
it seems hope comes looking for me
a friend appears, has kind words
to understand and listen
and share their hope with me

I feel her absence like pain
pain of a tooth torn roughly out
the dull then piercing ache
as if some piece or part of me
has been roughly pulled away
I long to slumber, deeply sleep
in my dreams she comes to me
dreams more pure than I've a right to
It hurts so much to be awake
other people in my life
so much like phantoms passing by
it's only her I want to see
to her alone I wish to speak
she's gone away somewhere
I'm left wondering what I've done
I sweetly torture myself with her
many pictures, and a video looped
the world keeps reminding me of her
I see the curve of her chin in someone
the color of her eyes, the shape of her face
the world won't let me forget
I poke and **** at the pain
like salt or sand deep in a wound
and so I wonder when or if
she'll come back my way

went out tonight
pulled my trash to the curb
the air cool, so fresh
I thought of holding hands and
walked to the middle of the road
I stared up at the sky,
and the stars they shined,
I think, more brightly for you
I felt a bit better knowing
that you live under them too

Love
is heat

rushing through
my veins
like fire

roaring
raging
radiant
resplendent

unrelenting
understood
­
reborn

by
love.

hopes are wishes and dreams
bright balloons that carry
us over oily black
oceans of despair, rivers and streams

islands of light
covered with jungles
made of possibilities and dreams
some things aren't what they seem

in the center there is a spring
it tells us many things
sometimes it gives us proof
if we're brave enough to face the truth

we seek ourselves
in every day things
hide our heads in mysteries
blind to what we've seen

In the end it's hard
to be who we really are
to take the pain, face the truth
how we win, or how we lose

I wish I had the courage
that the characters I
create possess
I wish I had the nerve
to make the choice
to make the hard decision
that all I do now is delay
the end, inevitable looming
stepping closer to that edge
looking over the brink
my eyes betray me
the world is round
why does this edge look
as though there is no end
no bottom in sight
an endless darkness
no pin ***** of light
soon I must choose
to jump, to leap to give
in to the fear and in falling
finally find if I can fly

Waking up can be painful
after sleeping for too long
of hiding the awareness
of who you really are

Waking up can be painful
when you've lived asleep
lied about who you are
to yourself and to the world

Pain can wake you to the
realization of whats true
after living in numbness
and confusion of what to do

Pain can wake the truth
deep inside yourself
the knowledge of what matters most
and how people often deny
the things that make them soar

Wake now weary sleeper
Open up your eyes
the ones that see inside yourself
that see through all the lies
Come out now and play be free

Wake up now weary sleeper
there is much for you to do
once you see hidden wonders
found deep inside of you

Silence is hard when
you want to speak
to fill the void
even if the words
aren't heard
not sounds but text

How I want to explain
since you came into my life
how I feel like it's good to be me
and you open me to possibilities

How I want to understand
your need for silence, and do
but how it's hard to speak
when it's not you to hear

I start to write then stop
I start to dial then stop
my mind keeps writing
my mind keeps dialing

I feel your absence
like a weight
pulling me to the ground
caving in my chest

Like most other things
this is a lesson
to be patient
to find meaning
in a heart beat
in a single breath

I breathe and wait
the clouds will pass
the sun will shine
I'll feel the warmth
upon my face

Sitting in darkness
dreaming of light
waiting for morning
but it's just become night

hours are passing
no moon over head
straining to hear but
the only sounds
echo in my head

The velvety blackness
no hint of the stars
the ground beneath me
both cold and hard
it seems like forever

Sitting in darkness
forgetting the light
waiting for meaning
has it always been night

I wish that I could explain
the feeling that flashes through me
when I know you're out there
like a mirage in the desert heat
but real, I know you're real
a picture of your face
a word to take its place
your name out there in the world
my heart beats faster and I smile
I feel so light, and yet so solid
like I could fly, above it all
but I will walk these roads
a while longer, knowing down
one path or another, you
wait smiling, lovely wonder

looking all around me
the walls are closing in
fighting against the phantoms
I don't know how to win

The choices of the past
or the choices left alone
what I did or didn't do
it's all coming home

feeling like I am drowning
the dark sea closing in
my arms are getting weary
how much longer can I swim

just stop my arms swinging
just leave the choice alone
just sink beneath the waves
giving all up now

Open up my eyes
look beyond myself
fight harder, swim harder
the light is shining brighter

Keep telling myself go
keep telling myself do
keep telling myself hope
keep telling myself ...

Silence speaks
if you stop to listen
it tells a story
if you are quiet
in the moments between
the spoken words
made rich with meaning
by what's unsaid
silence tells a story
that words try to hide

I just want to hold you close
push the whole world away
for a little while, just melt into you
I want to breath you in
run my hands through your hair
feel your warmth, to know you care
to show you my words are
more than just sounds that
I mean the things I say
to learn if you feel the same
I'll hear it when you say my name

When I'm at the edge of sleep
that's when things come to me
lines of prose, parts of story
I force myself to stay in bed
While the words run 'round my head
Shouting for my attention
I plead and beg them to remain
Till the morning, in my brain
It never fails, I fall asleep
Dreaming dreams of wondrous things
People and places I've never been
When I wake and dreams are fading
I look for the words I asked to stay
But much like dreams, they fade away

her eyes like the sea
her spirit shining brightly
please sit next to me

but you're a writer
she said to me
as if my being able
by dumb luck, or innate ability
to string, like ducks in a row
words that seemed to work
in a line
made me better
better able to describe
the indescribable
It's harder to explain
to describe the things that
are close to you, mean the most
to you
the things that most move you
that make your heart beat
faster, stronger make you want to live
so much longer
make moments into eternities
Oh surely I know that
when so moved, I can
spout and pour from my lips
or finger tips, streams of words
pretty some, perhaps
and even close to the mark, by chance
firing into the dark
it often feels as though
I have failed in my goal
the words that come
the feelings they evoke
like the after image
of a flash bulb
a reflection, of a ghost
of what the words mean
or what you mean to me

I throw my words
into the wind
and wait for them
to return again

I shout my need
into a storm
away from my lips
my words are torn

I whisper my desire
into grey banks of fog
languidly the words escape
and silently again I wait

I sit in silence on a hill
the words I had
have all fled
yet, still they run
through my head