I sit on the floor
sobbing, weeping
against the garbage can
it's right that I end here
Thoughts of an end
thoughts of the end
finality, stopping the noise
my head is an echo chamber
a cacophony assaults me
a sinuous voice winds through
telling me it's right to do this

I sit on the floor
breaking every promise
making lies of my words
driven by shame
she comes and finds me there
the edge to end it in my hand
my incoherent pleas brushed aside
the things I start and never finish
in the moment it seemed so clear
to succeed at last at something, anything

a week has gone and still
my mind travels along that edge
how did I get here when
I had long ago put this aside
in a moment it surged out
surrounding me, from somewhere
deep, deep inside
I feel like that child again
made wrong and ***** in the closet
made bruised and battered by
hands that were to guide me
fleeing from the anger into shame

I find brief moments of peace
a tenuous hold that is so fleeting
I grasp for meaning, for purpose
I look again for hope, to continue
to end this fear of myself
to see myself through eyes untainted
by the loathing and hate that I see
through the eyes that are mine

the darkness came
for me today
I could no longer
hold it at bay
it came into my
ears and eyes
my nose, my mouth
could not deny it
I tried to remind myself
of all who cared
the darkness was bitter
it laughed and whispered
it uttered nothing matters
there is nothing you can do
give up, give in, let it out
you've let me in
i heard and listened
and then i obeyed

the mask is slipping
it's cracked and worn
the mask is slipping
can't take much more
the smile so natural
master crafted deception
hiding behind this facade
fractured and broken
the mask is falling
it shatters on the floor
the secret is revealed
carefully held back emotion
bursts forth like water
from a shattered dam
the mask in pieces
who am I anymore

I see the shadows
run 'cross the moon
bright glowing orb
climbing the velvet sky

radiant pale beauty
just out of reach
soft graceful curves
leaves me yearning

like the moon as it wanes
and seems to disappear
but remains, though unseen
and in my mind, so too she

We orbit 'round
a celestial dance
by gravity drawn
met by random chance

confusion delusion
driving myself insane
pondering questions
no one to blame

do this thing or that thing
choose quickly, chose right
it's nothing but nothing
the rest of your life

Feel everything, feel nothing
why no in between
madness bubbles up
now choke down the scream

bravado, confidence
run, flee from me
loathing and hatred
self inflicted wounds

I'm funny, I'm kind
a good and nice guy
and still I hate myself
I hate myself why

There are days when I feel
the darkness closing in
the darkness from inside of me
but I won't let it win
there days when things go wrong
when all it seems is lost
when the fog of despair clouds over
the hope and brightness, of happiness
in those moments with out hope
it seems hope comes looking for me
a friend appears, has kind words
to understand and listen
and share their hope with me

endless worry assaults me
pushes me to the ground
I struggle for clarity for purpose
darkness and turmoil surround me
focus and drive elude me
why can't I be like you
why do I struggle for dedication
I look at you all you work you do
panic fills me, anxiety strikes shame... shame
The dark inside calls out insidious
leave it all, stop the struggle
the darkness invites, entices
tears flow, why, can I not find it
the purpose, the drive, it eludes me
I struggle, I flail, no island no refuge
how long can I hold on, resist, how long