I wish that there was a way that made sense for me to show you all of the chaotic nonsense that is lingering along side of me inside my already crowded head.

There are days when i just want to laugh at the silliest things and wear my smile for all the world to see, other days I get trapped in the darkness and I dread the idea of leaving the sanctity of my bed.

Sometimes I feel like all the noise cluttering this world has over run me and is now squatting un welcomed inside my skin and it is enough to drive me mad.

Then in the blink of an eye the nothingness gains back its control and the silence locks me in with my tormented thoughts and memories making me long for the noise I once had.

Like most in this world I have longed to find my One, the missing piece to my puzzle , but i fear my puzzle is defective and I do not deserve the same love back that I wish to give to only you.

Who is this person hidden behind my eyes, she is passionate, firery and can at times be quite playful intertwined with this introverted, angry, and sad entity that has lost her way, not knowing what to do.

Im am drowning in the uncertainty of half the time feeling alone like there is no one that would understand me while I secretly pray  that they don't make it past my defensive wall.

Pushing people away is how I have always made sure I was safe, it is what I have done best, but beneath the scars of my heart I  have been waiting for you to protect me from the scattering debris when inevitably my wall begins to fall.

Why

  Do you only allow your sweet tears to flow when you are sure that no one else can see you.

  Are you worried that if you don't hide these  somber moments the true you just may show thru.

     Why

  Is it that you turn away when it is your beauty which is being spoken of.

  As if all the scars etched in your heart were revealed making you undeserving of love.

     Why

  Do you let the monsters, that violate your solace, keep you cowering backed up against the wall.

  Is it that you believe you will always be alone, no one will try and catch you if you fall

     Why
  Won't you let in the ones that stand before you, for they appear to truly care.

  So you think that, just like all the other, they will just leave you , which is a pain you cannot bare.

What you want


Don't let my sorrowful thoughts dominate my mind for they take me to a place that which no one else can see....

            I Try, ever so hard to give you what you want.

I should not put all I have into so many things, spreading myself out so thin soon there will be nothing left for me....

            I wish I knew how to give you what you want.

Do not let a single teardrop spill out for those that have proven they will never fail to let me down.....

             My mind fights my heart to give you what you want.

Stop allowing others to tangle me up in their twisted tribulations, dragging me under then leaving me to drown...

             You want the best for me and still I don't  know how
          To give you what you want.

Throughout my life I swear  I've heard it all ,

That white  mommies don't have brown babies.( guess we showed them mom)

It is just a rash, um yea, you know that's scabies?

That havin rhythm is just the same as birth control.

Just take one hit.... May as well go on and sell your soul .

The infamous, nothing is ever as bad as it may seem.

Remember there is no I in the word team.(  but there's is one on win hehe)

Don't act like your **** don't stink.  

The classic, the end is closer than we  think.

There is no such thing as a stupid question... Yea Right!

We all look the same if we turn off the light.

It will only hurt for a minute( well that really depends now doesn't it)

The water is not cold..go ahead jump in it.

To the shamless, don't worry I promise I'll call.

Let me stop  right there, cuz really now I've heard it all

How can U  N  I be so utterly different and yet simultaneously without you I just do not feel whole.
     I can't see the pictures in my mind, but even still these memories, our memories are burned within my soul.

     It amazes me how U  N  I can be our own worst enemies, kindred spirits, complete rivals and passionate lovers all at the same time.
        This game of love in itself can be endearing and fulfilling and also unrelenting and unyielding , but in the end it is always worth the climb.

     I often wonder if U  N  I will withstand the tests of time, if our force can weather even the most severe storm.
      Seclusion wrapped in duality conjoined to both perfect and destroy one another, endlessly locked in a battle which wages war against the norm.

The fall, in itself, can be so painstakingly long and drawn out so why is it that getting back up is the hardest part.

Fighting to shield your soul from the pain of that impact, desperately trying to spare yourself from bearing  witness as the pieces of your life chaotically fly apart.

My castle is my safe Haven  and at the same time, this my fortress ,stifles so many parts of me  behind its imposing walls of stone.

I find solace in my  sequestration, able to hide from this cold world, but at what cost, I wonder as I sit shivering upon my lonely throne.

The sound of the words that failed to escaped my lips is  echoing with deafening force throughout these empty halls.

For this moment, however, I must find the courage to rise again , I tell myself at some point everyone, even the strongest warrior eventually falls.

This is a poem I wrote and posted in 2013 and it hits homes so very much for me I had to revisit it.


I will not allow anyone' s judgments further even one more moment of self doubt
              They can't break me.
The demoralizing words cast my way mean nothing and the lack of faith,
              Stronger it will make me.

Finally I have realized that I do not have to live up to their set of standards, always trying to impress.
               I alone will break their mold.
No longer will I vie for others affection or seek to achieve someone else's perfection,
                I will let my own story unfold.

My mistakes are unique to just myself, I will embrace them, learn and keep moving on.
                Standing true on my own two feet.
I will have both successes and failures throughout the journey  before me.
                 Never again shall I give into defeat.

If only there was a way that I could take pieces of you and put them in place of the distorted parts that spread their pollution inside of me.

It amazes me how your sadness never kept you down ,no matter how tremendous it was, your strength is all that you would allow the outside world to see.

I wish i could mimic the kindness that you used to show to so many , even to those that repeatedly and intentionally tried to beat down your lovely soul.

If only i could have bathed myself in your charisma or the ability you had to keep moving forward instead of getting swallowed up by misery's black hole.

I imagine myself painting this dark world with the many splendid colors that once poured out from with in your beautiful heart.

I've longed to be able imitate the sparkle that for so long  filled your eyes, only if i were able to use these pieces of you to better myself , but with so much allure I am not sure where to start.

I must resign to the fact that you not are here to hold my hand , able to wipe my tears away, to the painfully reality that you are far beyond my reach.
              


I know there were times when you thought wasn't listening , just know I heard all your words and now it is those same lessons that I am trying to teach.
        
                         For, I have not forgotten my way home.


There is so much that now stands between you and I , forever separated by immeasurable distance, never ending time and everlasting space.
      
                    

I manage to find some solace in the memories we have made, although harder it is becoming to even hear your voice let alone picture your face.  

                       Still I have not forgotten my way home.


I became lost in my own sorrow and the path leading to the other side at times can be so very dark, it feels like insurmountable twists and turns are constantly blocking the way.



Keep those big brown eyes focused, anything that comes easily is just not worth doing, the voice in my soul reminds me of theses words you used to say.

                      That is why I have not forgotten my way home.