Strange reflections, indistinct flickers whipping past, caught out of the corner of my eye.

An eldritch feeling takes over, as if to say this is what it to feel like to watch time pass by.

I lay witness to a whirlwind of intricate memories being swept away, jostled getting lost between the spaces.

The remnants of a hurricane filled with moments doomed to oblivion, intertwined inside an eternity of forgotten faces.

Anxiously I sit inside a cage of my own mold as I contemplate if this place is a sanctuary at all.

Finally realizing that those reflections were small glimmers of the pieces I let go during my own painfully beautiful fall.

Weep not for this wayward stranger, the trial and tribulations are something that we all must soldiers through.

Diligently stripping layers away, remaining hopefully that the journey will lead to something magnificently brand new.

It is almost painful trying to fathom the reason some men take a woman's intelligence and blatantly play it down.

Shouting out from behind me " hey ma lemmi holla at cha" I must inform you will never get this female to turn around .

I do not find your uncultivated demeanor flattering in the least, in fact it makes you somewhat insignificant, not worth a second look.

I want nothing to do with your infantile swagger in capable of sharing coherent insightful thoughts, afraid to stray from the same old play book.

A physical attraction is of some importance, but I am more enthralled when a man hears, not only listens to the words that are spoken to him.

Serenade me with your ability to articulate raw emotion thru flowing words, entice me with an intriguing mind, show me that you are a rare gem.

As for those males pretending to be men, but in reality can't even wrap their minds around the idea, don't waste your time with me, your ego will just get bruised.

If it is my attention that he seeks, a man must be confident that he can stimulate my mind, draw me in by the rhythm  of the words he has used.

This fire smoldering between us burns so very intense that all my inhibitions just seem to melt away.

I can't stop myself from becoming drunk off the intoxication of your captivating physic, MMMM  I love feeling this way.

I see your eyes light up with expectancy when I tease you, sending waves of temptation thru your imagination.

With deep anticipation, I savor the idea of our bodies intertwined and my head becomes dizzy from my hearts acceleration.

Curving my long sleek body to fit into your mold, while teasing nibbles and seductive kisses are given in just the right place.

Breathless whispers fueled by pure desire, exploring each others body with enticing caresses as we long to stay locked in this lustful embrace.

The words of anger you spill can penetrate deep into my soul, your icy chill makes my blood run cold.  

The constant judging glances that you  cast my way can instantly make my courage fold.  

                     But that's just a family affair.

It cuts so much deeper when the knife thrusted into my back is wielded by one that shares my family name.

A person that I  would die to protect suddenly has me second guessing if they would do the same.

             But hey , that's a family affair.


You can bring out of me a rage like no other person can and in an instant all I can see is a fiery red hue.

But despite it all we are family, you will always be connected me and I will always be connected to you.

   That's how it goes when it's a family affair

From within the depths of me I fight so hard, my intention never giving up, but in exhausted and my hope... Well... simply has run dry.

Familiar faces are constantly surrounding me but thru the haze, ruling the majority of my mind,they are nothing more than strangers walking by.

This overbearing feeling if lonesomeness is a wretched sickness spreading thru what once was me, the harder I try to suppress it the worse it makes me feel.  

My perpetual sadness is an unfortunate symptom that plagues me and no matter how I tend to these lacerations on my soul they never seem to heal.

Bitterly I must swallow down  the wickedly perfect blend of endless anguish and just a little more provocation then one should take in.

Almost ritualistically I choke back the desire to purge myself of this insignificant existence, as I long for a new one to begin.

This affliction has left behind an emptiness which reeks such havoc inside me and it is perfected by my alienation.


Struggling in my seclusion I search frantically for the part of me that somehow had gotten somewhere in translation.

Have I become estranged with compassion, not entirely, I guess I would say only when compassion is directed toward me.
The gleaming gates of tranquility are off there in the distance, but just my luck no gate keeper and I've not got exact change to pay the fee.
I have become complacent in this misguided routine of bitting my tongue only to wearily sit and bide my time.
Unintentionally a barrier was put up that blocks my words from what you understand, yet they flow so freely through my "silly little rhyme"
The sounds that my silent screams make is deafening and this weight I carry is demolishing my inner strength but still I won't let go.
These emotions are festering inside me to the point of bursting out but I must maintain composure for the world must never know.

An outcast battered
From the brutality the lonesome world has shown.

Shunned for non-compliance
Never fitting into all that is said to be known.

Her mind rambles
Constantly yet remains silent, for she is mute.

Failing to see
Her own relevance fuled by the inability to follow suit.

Looking in your eyes I catch a glimmer of what was once most definitely meant to be.

I can intangibly hear a weary voice inside you and it is screaming to be set free.

Saddly you locked up your spirit tightly deep inside and replaced it with woe and fear.

The person you long to be seems miles away, but keep fighting my love and soon that person will be here.

Let go of everything that ties you down, unleash yourself from the crushing weight that's constructed of all your pain.

Let out that child, the one hidding inside,  for they are in desperate need of time to run wild and frolic in the rain.

That surrounding light, your beauty within, almost blinding its grandure reaches ever so high.

Please don't be afraid to open up your wings, feel the rush of the wind when you finally take to the brilliant sky.

Truthfully this journey will not at all be easy, nor will you always be clear on the way.

If you are willing to endure it you may find yourself a little more with the dawn of each new day."

Loneliness creeps in leaving a dark hue covering my soul

In the wake of my self destruction, when i thought all hope had escaped my reach , a whisper of a voice came calling deep with in the night.

Softly wrapping me up in tender words of encouragment, unbeknownst to me this voice had a goal to vanquish all my self-hatred by gently nudging me to rise up and  fight.

Willing me to stand and face the devilish hauntings that are relentlessly  stalking me ,constanly tring to creep through the past's closed door.

Pushing me to believe in my self and my inner strenght, validating that i can no longer hide from the shadows of uncertainty nor fear what they have in store.

Make no mistake it is painfully obviouse that I have only been treading water barely keeping my head above the surface just waiting for the current t o drag me under.


Stiffin up that upper lip and walk with your held held up high, almost maternally spoke this whisper of a voice, which is  now reigning down like thunder .

A picture can capture a single moment in time which then can be worth a thousand words , if asked I  believe most would agree to say.

I often find myself left wondering, sad  but true, how many of these  pictures are speaking lies and half truths on family portrait day.

Gathered around the camera , each one dressed up to the nines, making sure they all look flawless in the glow of the photographer's light.

Inside their heads are swirling and mom is still raging with fury, but nothing will ruin this photo not even memories of last nights fight.

Dad has been hitting the bottle to escape from his this life that he leads but for this photo, this precious remembrance, just consider him Mr.Brady

Mom's holds a secret as well, while dad is away she hides her brand new playmate, but this snapshot has paused her game  and Mom pretends she is a lady.

There is daddy's precious little girl, he pretends not to see that she is very unstable doing lines at the table, while  her beauty hides all of her madness.

Wait there is one that was almost forgotten, which is how he spends most of his life, in this portrait he'll shine covering up his heart wrenching sadness.

The picture turned out to look brilliant , so proudly it was first mounted then hung high up on the wall.
  
The portrait will last a life time, in fact it will most likely still gleam when this perfect family starts to fall.

Why is it when we are at our lowest point...and we are the most lonely inside.


We bottle up our true feelings...and try to keep up the appearance that we can survive.


When we are trapped in our own mind..bound by the darkest of night.

Why are we so blinded..afraid to make the first step toward the light

How is it possible for me to feel utterly alone and at the same time completely suffocated by the people that are surrounding me.

Almost like I'm existing in an out of body experience that has gotten stuck in limbo, doomed to float along side sadness in an empty sea.

Before things even get close to becoming remotely "right" an unseen force, more likely tho it is just me, shifts the balance back  dangerously close to the "wrong"

I feel like I'm twisted amidst a tornado of loss that is sending me plummeting viciously toward the rock face unfortunately I  can not avoid impact for very long

Despite my relentless struggle I find no freedom from this compulsion's grip keeping me confined inside my own subconscious cage.

I agree that living is naturally hard as hell and it takes work to keep a smile on but not even my perfectly painted pretend smile can hide this soul full of sadness, lost hope and rage.

If the parts of me that are worn to show the world could mirror what I stow away deep inside, I wonder if anyone would even recognize this person that the see

Hard as it may be, alone in  silence within this world of only me, I am haunted by the fear that I wont remember how to be part of a world constantly  humming with We.

Confined to this asylum bound by massive chains
restricting me to my own mis- guided  perception,  oh how I long to break free.

   In the distance there lies a sea of disconsolate faces washing ashore  so I keep watch to see if I can find me.

   There is this hollowness inside me, it's presence so utterly dominating, like a raging river it runs wild.

The idea of feeling completely numb is ever so enchanting,  an escape from all the dishevelment that thru the years I have compiled.

The air around me has  becime so stifiling, it is  slowly crushing my lungs, under its magnitude I will be forced to give in before too long.

Willing my breath to please slow so I can calm myself before the storm, I focus on my hearts rythmic sound, such melancholy song..

It is hard to fabricate tangible words thru the knot in my throat, in which these apprehensive feelings continue to tie.

Trying to portray this state of felicity, while  inside feeling so overwhelmed with confusion, afraid I  will breakdown, making visible the tears I cry.

Questioning whether or not I possess the fortitude to maintain this pace I have set,  traveling on the path that must be taken .

Every thing is flying by so wildly out of control and my mind won't stop racing, but I will not allow my soul to be shaken.

I have peered long and deep into the mirror and although full of many uncertainties, I do not shutter at the reflection staring back at me.

My eyes were once clouded by other's notions of what my life should be and now as if a veil has been lifted it is a more true me I begin to see.

Change will inevitably grace each one of our lives and the best advice they seam to have for me is to just go with the flow.

Yet this same unstoppable force is what fuels our most passionate quarrels, your famous line "you are not the same person that I used to know"

I  will admit that things about me are not the same but I wish you would realize that this affliction is yours as well and  there a many difference in you too.

I know that you sense my distance and think it is just me being cold, has the thought escaped you that may be result of the inconsistent harshness spewing out of  you.

As the time passes between us we have our ups and our downs, all the while you become more and more focused on the "little things" causing you displeasure.

Yet when push comes to shove and both of our headstrong tempers begin to flare you twist things around and portray me as the aggressor.

My emotions have been on a never ending  roller coaster ride of torment mashed into chaos, yes I have changed cause I can take no more.

Once upon a time our love was effervescent, laughter echoed thru our halls, now the silence of thoughts unspoken replace most all of what was there before.

I always thought that change was a good thing, a natural response to the world that we are surrounded by.

Well whom ever came up with that notion forgot the disclosure...... May cause heartache, inflammation of the emotions and an overwhelming feeling for the need to cry.

I remember looking into your eyes and realizing how I was now responsible for this beautiful little life, thirteen years later our connection is so much stronger, as cliche as it may sound.

Your are truly my rae of sunshine, no matter how dark my life can be with out a doubt  it most definitely starts to lighten up the moment that you come around.

I've memorized your smile and each and every little freckle on  your sweet face and only you truly know when i need my space and when to snuggle up close cuz i need you to stay.

I just could not shake the uneasy feeling lingering in  my mind, I now wish that i had listened to my hearts warning for it must have sensed the tragic events that were still to come that  day.

Startled and confused I am awaken from a deep sleep by a sound that starts off a million miles away and steadily grows, a lump caught in my throat as  answered the phone.

His voice angrily shouts commands but all I hear the panicked cries from her, Mommy I'm so sorry I should not have taken them, Mommy I need you, Daddy stop screaming at me just leave me alone.

My mind turning completely numb I am not sure but some how I reacted: What hospital, When and what did she take and if you do not to screaming at her I warned, my adrenaline rushing as we flew out the door.

An hours drive stood between me and my sweet little Sunshine - Rae, I almost lost my baby by her own hand, my mind kept replaying her walking out the door for the weekend, as she turned from the car door with her scrunched up lil nose and said " No Momma I love you more"

ROLL OUT

    Of bed each morning and attempt to embrace whatever the world may throw your way.

Try honoring  our nations diversity ,because  like it or not, its here to stay.

ROLL OUT

The old and bring in a new line of thinking towards the betterment of human kind.

Rid ourselves of our inhibitions to concieve another's dreams , release the shackles inclined to bind.

ROLL OUT

Of the way if you are set on your ways, because for growth change is a must.

Not here to judge, I have my own demons, but instead of casting stones you can simply just....


ROLL OUT

At the end of the day I can find no other place to lay the  blame but on myself.
           Although it possibly may be my demise, I allow myself to care for those that refuse to see past their own desire.
          Intently I give the best of me and in turn I unintentionally add fuel to their self indulgent fire.

           At the end of the day I must admit that the reason I feel the way I do soley rests on my shoulders.
           How ridiculously nieve of me to believe that the same rules you  set forth, you yourself would abide by.
          Consistently ever changing are the expectations placed upon my shoulders, I fail to see a reason for me to try.

At the end of the day there is only a vaugue reflection staring back from the other side of the mirror.
          More often than not I find myself trying to mask my angst and perpetrate that all is as it should be.  
          A sullen little marrionet playing pretend, frantically attempting to hide her strings so the world will think she is free.

I don't know how to quiet the thoughts echoing within my temples, filling in the spaces.

The blank stare behind my eyes shows not how my overflowing mind continually
races

Theses times ,that I struggle to survive in, lash out with malicious intent cutting deep with in my soul rekindling old irrational fears.

Fighting to maintain some sanity seams futile as time erodes more and more of my spirit throughout the passing years.

I've watched time defeat much more worthy opponents and  leave them quivering from what has become their reality.

The vast array of weaponry is inconceivable, but the most deadly assaults are swiftly silent because time itself we can not see.

Diligently pressing forward in the attack, patiently waiting for the sign of defeat for my movements it knows only too well.

The battle rages on and the casualties weigh heavy on my mind, how much longer can I hold up I wonder, an answer only time can tell.

These wicked emotions swelling up inside reek havoc upon the sanctity  I so desperately need to find.

    Gasping frantically for a breath of air, I am drowning in the overwhelming  dejection that is flowing thru out my mind.

   So I will just hush.

        Locked within this superficial world built on a foundation of complacency,  it has become taboo to maintain a sense of  hope.

      Effortlessly individual thoughts are manipulated, silently molded, while obliviously gliding on this slippery *****.

            Still I should just hush.

It nearly chokes the life out of me , just the idea of digesting the spoon fed lies they attempt to force feed me everyday.

        Private wars are being waged before our eyes, yet the colossal facade of stability is what  continually they portray.

                    Again they say hush.

     But I scream back I will no longer hush.

I must walk this path alone, if I am to figure myself out.

To understand the reason for this pain, to rid myself of doubt.

I wander thru this life just searching for a clue.

Truth be told, my heart knows well, my answers died with you

I was convinced that the memories of my past had to be the stepping stones, better yet still, the foundation for how my life was destined to be.

It seemed I was never able to see the light, it became nearly impossible to consider the idea that perhaps fate had her own intentions for me .

I hid my eyes behind false smiles, fighting to contain the sensations of doubt undulating deep within , those which sent shivers down my spine.

Locked in this terribly viscous cycle, a perpetual downward spiral,  from which I was in dire need of breaking , in order to save myself,  Such a familiar line.

I had reached a point in my existence where I wanted nothing more than to completely desensitize, impeding all emotion from reaching my soul, as if that some how would set me free.

Slowly I began to realize that if I allowed myself to succumb to the numbness , I then sacrifice something far more precious, for feeling this passion along with the pain is part of what made me, me.