One would think that I got
This thing called life figured out...
But that would be wrong
I’ve been in this world for 43 years
And the only thing I’ve figured out
Is I haven’t figured anything out

Sometimes I think I would just float away
If my son wasn’t holding the strings
He grounds me in a good way
With all the light that he brings

Most days I can hold it together
Other days I want to float out to sea
Would anyone miss me?
Yeah some days I am just getting by
Other days...who knows? I can just lie

The ghosts of our past haunt us
They dwell deep within
They are called regret, guilt, failure, and secrets
Our childhood was traumatic
We were preyed upon
when we really could have used some prayers
We were both victims and monsters
We were latchkey kids with major attitude
My eldest sister was left in charge but
she was just a kid herself
Kids with nothing else to do but find trouble
or is it that trouble will always
find kids with nothing else to do
Things happened that should
have never happened but they did
and my sister blames herself for this
She actually thinks she is being punished
with cancer for all of her mistakes.
I keep telling her she is wrong that bad things
happen to good people all the time.
That the past is just that it is in the past
We were just kids who made some mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes but we have to learn
To forgive ourselves

If you don’t want to really know
Then do not ask Granny
She will tell every little ailment
Every little story about what is
going on in her life. I used to be
embarrassed or irritated by it
But hey I was young and dumb.
Now I appreciate her honesty
She earned that right of telling
These stories and telling of what
ails her. She was an awesome mother
and grandmother who always gave
of herself to everyone.
I mean seriously...we are asking
How you doing? So why can’t she
really answer. I wish more people
were like this to tell you the truth.
Do not ask if you really
do not want to know.
I wish I could still ask her
How you doing Granny?
I would sit and listen for
hours if I needed to
I miss you Granny <3

It feels so good to get rid of the unused things
and the clothes that are never worn
Cleaning out the cobwebs and the unused
junk has been therapeutic to say the least
So therapeutic I just cannot seem to stop myself
I have been clearing out people in my life too
The ones who are doing me no good to keep around
The users and abusers got to go
As well with the ones who bring me nothing but negativity

Anxiety is hurting my sister right now she worries about everything even worries about worrying :) She is still undergoing treatment for her cancer and is just very emotional right now. I will let you in on a little secret.... I have bad anxiety too!!!  I have somehow been able to keep it in check though. We took a weekend trip just recently to see some family and it was very draining and very good all at the same time.  Keeping my sister's anxiety in check left me needing to see a chiropractor when we got back.  I am not complaining though because I think that is what helps me.

Focusing on my sister and other people hurting helps take the focus off of me.  This time of year is very ******* a lot of people. We worry about not having enough money.  We worry about all the activities and hustle and bustle.  Also we are so deeply saddened by the loss of loved ones and why there is an empty seat at the holiday table.  We are preoccupied this time of year and I just want to say STOP for just a moment and remember to breathe.  Try and take the focus off yourself by saying a little prayer for another person hurting. Even try to do something for another person if you can. It has helped me with my anxiety and perhaps it can help you too!! Everyone wants to be remembered and loved especially this time of year! ❤️ Merry Christmas to all my friends here at HP!!

It’s a crisp October morning and it is perfect.
My son is nearby digging in the earth for bugs and searching for his new friend Bob the lizard.
I can hear my Boykin spaniel yelping and chasing squirrels in the woods. I am sweeping newly fallen leaves off my front porch and just enjoying all the sounds. The wind is slightly blowing and the sun is warming the dew on the grass. It is the kind of morning where everything seems wonderful even if for just this moment. I am going to fix me a cup of coffee and sit on the swing and enjoy it for just a moment more....❤️

My son always surprises me...
and is way more brilliant
than I ever was... especially at that age.
Out of nowhere the other night he says
"You know we are all connected" and I say
"How do you mean?"
I can see the wheel just a turning in his pretty
little head and he says "we are related...all brothers
and sisters in this world." I agree with him and say "so
why do you think everyone fights so much?" and
without missing a beat he says "because they haven't
figured it out yet" <3

The battle between
darkness and depression
is onslaught for any troubled soul
for it takes place much deeper
than any dug out hole
This darkness seems to just find me
Takes over my world into my sanctuary
It settles around the iris of my eyes
Turning me into someone who just seems to cry
Rooted in negativity and lost in my pain
Through my eyes it enters my brain
Corrupting my each and every thought
Breeding unwelcome memories that like to haunt
Spreading now like poison through my veins
Trying to take over till nothing remains
Writing words is my only defense
When nothing else I do makes any sense
The power of prose keeps that place deep within me
Safe and free from this darkened toxicity…

I watch as an older woman in a red flowery
dress holding yellow flowers looks out to the sea
Searching for the young man she fell
in love with at the ripe age of twenty three
He gave his life that day on the Normandy shore
on the sixth of June the year was forty-four
Every year this woman comes to the sea to remember
For when she said her marriage vows
she meant them to last to the end of her forever
She throws the yellow flowers out to the sea
Always grateful for the love they shared
and proud that he fell in the cause for the free

I come here as much as I can
Love the sounds and smells that surround me
It is just so peaceful and I love to people watch
I try and imagine how their lives are
Are they happy or in pain
Do they, like me, yell out their lies and frustrations
to be carried out swiftly in the wind                                                         ­ 
Are their disappointments and regrets
washed away by the waves as well...
Do they draw pictures in the sand of broken hearts
Do they become a beach scavenger
Searching for discarded treasures
I wonder if they come here as an escape
To renew oneself and just be
One with this constant ...our constant the sea

Some days I do not
want to wake up
the day just seems darker somehow
There is no particular reason
I am feeling down
I just am...

I have been trying to come up
with some explanation and cannot
maybe I am just tired
maybe I am PMSing
maybe I just need to get some

Whatever the reason
It is not like I can just snap
my fingers and get it over it
Like some people close
to me have suggested

What I really need
is someone to pull me
into their computer out there
and hug me and don't let me go
I want to stay for a bit with you
until I am not feeling so blue

Beware of the thirteenth
landing on a Friday??

Nah....that's just bullhockey

The thirteenth has always been
lucky for me...
My sweet boy was born that day
for the world to see :)

I listened to my inner voice....
When I was filled with fear, when I learned at a young age that real monsters do exist and they are not like the ones in any story book I ever read. The monsters stole away any normal childhood that I could of or should of had.  Pain muted my words from flowing and poisoned my thoughts into growing... this is why I trusted no one.  
At the time I had no other choice... when I was
really the only friend I could totally depend on and count on
I listened to my inner voice...


I listened to my heart...
When all I could hear was a pounding in my ears, when all around me was like a crazy chaotic whirlwind screeching like a barred owl that would then break apart into tiny pieces and sink into a cold abyss forgotten by the sea.  I couldn’t forget the grief as it was real and still inside me. There was a brokenness about me my
heart was fragile and it balanced on the tip of my own desperation
but still I listened to my heart...
          
I listened to the words...
Slowly but surely I was able to come out from that darkened sea and was finally able to try and heal me. Words became my saving grace. I learned to not have muted lips and could give myself a fighting chance. I was able to tear down some of those protective walls to try again to live only in this moment without the armor and the hesitation. Writing became my new love... together we became an inseparable piece of one existence...
I felt so much better after I listened to the words ....

Have you ever wondered if this world is the actual
hell we live in and if we are being tested
by how well we deal?
We are living in a place where pain, suffering,
and then ultimately death are of everyday existence
I understand that perception is everything here
and this world is an illusion generated by our perception
I am not trying to be a downer but the more I live
in this world the more I see it as a nightmare
that some days I just want to wake up from

This is not coming from my religious beliefs and I am
not saying that I am not grateful for everything I do have
Compared to a lot of other people in this world I do not
have it so bad and I know this.  This is coming from
a thought process I have been trying to come to terms with

Is there a bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel?
Of course we all have different journey's to take to get us
to that tunnel but while we are here our paths do cross from
time to time and we all have some of the same pains
sufferings and even death to overcome

My point is this...
We are all living in this hell together
Let's get through this hell together
This thought has become a shining
Ray of light in this dark
Find some comfort in this
and
Perhaps there is hope for us all

I know you can stimulate me with your hands
that's easy....:)
Now I want to see what you can do to my mind
Let's have a stimulating conversation
****** me with your words
Tease me with some ****** poetry
Sing to me a song from your heart
Tell me what you want to do to me....
Be VERY descriptive
Take your time with me ~let it last a little longer
The bond between us will only grow stronger

If someone pulled me from the inside out
Would they still like what they see?
Such things I hide behind
Are not always with intent to deceive
Do I have an intriguing mind?
Or better yet...
Do I have a beautiful heart?
Shouldn't these be the most important parts
I wear masks to disguise the pain
Underneath a river of lies fall down like rain
Should this river of lies drown me?
Or does it just make me grow
a thicker shell for all to see

The Sun spreads her words across a symphony
of color at the days end
Hoping her loving expression reaches the moon
and that it transcends

The moon slowly rises from the sea
Looking everywhere for his love is he
Calling across all time and space
Searching for his light and her beautiful face

The Sun lights up the big beautiful sky
He has witnessed this with his very own eyes
Her beautiful words are etched deep inside of me
Penetrating my core to the very existence she sees

Excited today is the day we will get our chance
We do not have to chase each other for that dance
We will dance all the way from the top of Mt Hood
To the bottom and beyond the Alabama Hardwood

We take each other to the depths of the unknown
Embracing what was meant to be together not alone
One brief moment he will trace my outline with his lips
Shadowing my body to make our very own Solar Eclipse

Please sleep come to me tonight
Make my thoughts still
So maybe then I won't feel
Did I ask for too much? I think not
but nothing was exactly what I got
For he has taken my very heart
Stomped it and shred apart
This thing we call love
Feels more like a vicious cycle of pain
We love....We Hurt....We Forgive
Then it begins again

You were born on Wednesday
Almost a year to the day
Since Mamma had passed away.....
Elizabeth Anne
Head full of dark brown curls
Just like your mother
My sister
It was my first time seeing a baby born
It was beautiful and a little disgusting
All at the same time
I may or may not have had to hold up
the wall for a brief moment or two :)
Just goes to show you something beautiful
did come out of this evil darkened world
A world so cruel as to take a mom
from three daughters who still needed her so
I was just eighteen and beginning my freedom
and you were just born and beginning your life

I am stronger than I ever knew
I have found thanks to you
Change keeps coming at me
and I just let it blow right on through
I've made bad mistakes
but I don't have to admit defeat
To fight fear we must first take that leap
I might not have won the fight just yet
but I will never just lie down with regret
Change can be scary...
but do you know what's scarier?
Allowing fear to hold you back
No more expectations....
**I am responsible
for my own happiness :)

With want me eyes he wraps my hair around his fist
He gives it a little tug bringing me closer to his wrist
My lips are warm and inviting
and already so long overdue
He starts off slow and soft
As I feel his breath on my lips
His tongue traces my bottom lip teasing
giving me a little nip
His sweet kisses cause a warm wave to take over me
As he heats me up from the inside
Slick with a need and burning
That only he can subside
He tweaks my ******* with his
fingers through my shirt
A sly smile forms as he starts *******
me thinking of his dessert
His mouth and tongue start kissing its way down
Tempting...Teasing...and Feasting
While I am just laying there
Trembling...Needing...and Pleading
Oh My ~ is all I could muster when his lips move
like a breeze over my thighs
Passion explodes as my will erodes
I revel in the sensation of being Conquered
And at the same time....*Conquering

I followed his footprints in the snow
Thinking his path was the way to go
He didn’t even seem to notice I was there
I spoke to him as we walked but he didn't care
I stopped at several places along the way
He just kept moving forward with nothing to say
After a while I felt so alone and so tired
And I began to drift further and further behind
Though I could still see him way up ahead
He turned onto another path to walk instead..
Eventually I realized I could no longer see
As he moved relentlessly on without me
His footprints start to fade and then they disappear
He never even knew I was near
I stood at the path he turned to walk on...
Unable to move forward
And I turn to walk...
Away...

*Maybe one day our paths will cross again

If he loves me...
...or not...no matter
I will stay rooted in his memory
I planted seeds of my touch, my scent
and my kiss....
My voice will stay in the breeze
Whispering his name through the trees

They remain to germinate within him
When at those dormant offhand moments
He needs a bit of my smile for sunshine :)

Breathe you all in
Can't help myself
Get ****** in :)