How I feel for you is like trying to remember your dreams or recollecting where you left your phone,
Because I don't know where it started from,
Just like how I don't remember the exact moment when my head hits my pillow for the first time,
Or when I took my first phone call or replied to the first text that came through.
I can't retrace my steps to where it all began.
Because it was so slow,
And I don't ever intend to recognise the position I am in at 2:36am while trying to get some beauty sleep or the angle of my phone on the coffee table next to a tea stained coaster,
Just like how I didn't intend to realise the beauty of your face, the outline of your jaw or the mannerism of your voice as you say my name for the first time,
And how I feel for you is like a tonne of ******* bricks,
Because I can't even breathe when you're around,
And one by one each brick of insecurities that I have collapses onto me because I can't hold myself up to push away the bricks,
And say how I feel and it's concrete, set in stone that I am not for you.
I don't think that by finding my phone I can figure you out
Or buy myself some time to remove the aspect of sleeping from my life
So I never have to dream again just to live in the only constant of reality
In order to realise that I am naive and young and free minded but I am the world if I want to be.
Tell me, if I remember my dreams like I remember the solar system or the quadratic formula does that make me unworthy?
Because only astronomers can recall the solar system in a flash and only mathematicians use the quadratic formula day by day,
But we are not all astronomers or mathematicians but I know that one plus one equals two, me and you
And I know that as long as there are stars in the sky that you are important to me.
So believe me,
That when I say I need you I need you to need me too,
To need me in the sense that I probably can live without you but the fact of the matter is I don't want to
Because that wouldn't be as far as interesting as the two of us being crazy at 3am by throwing cookie dough at the wall.
Not to need me in the sense that I need you to be next to me every minute of every single ******* day
Because you don't.
You just need someone,
Someone to care or not to care but someone, anyone because then you won't feel even as half as alone as you did the night before
And I know you did as we all did but I want you to want me as in you want me to ride Saw with you at Thorpe Park
And I want you to want to walk me to the bus stop not because it's on your route home.
I can't remember where I've been
Or the dream that I had last night
Or where I left my phone,
But I know that I've been to the moon and back thinking about you
I know that last night's dream was about you stomping on a spider
I know that I put my phone on the breakfast bar of the kitchen.
I know fractions.
I will never know the full story to anything besides from my own stories and histories
Just like dreams and places I've been and where my phone has gone
I know fractions of you like how one third of the time you are sleeping
Three times out of eight you are at the bookies
Half the time you are on my mind.
The next time you remember your dream back to back and recite it like a subtitled drama,
Or the next time you find your phone once you realise you left it on the table on your morning train,
I hope that you recognise that nobody loves like that or lives like that in a constant perfection
I hope you realise how some people don't want to remember their dreams when they wake up because not all of them are good ones,
That sometimes it's best to leave our phones where they are to disconnect from a world of social media for a couple of hours
That maybe it's okay to not remember wherever we wish because bad things might have happened at those points in our pasts
And that's how I fell for you, in little bits.

'"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Lettuce"
"Lettuce who?"
"Lettuce in"'

No, let me in.
Let me into your heart, into your mind.
Let me understand the things you love and the things you hate.
Let me appreciate your rude remarks and sarcastic comments and ****** jokes.

The way I love you is the way you laugh,
You have different laughs.

One for when something is out right funny,
A boastful laugh
That tells the whole world that you're happy

Another when you laugh out of politeness,
Almost sarcastic,
That tells me you enjoy people's company

A different laugh when I do something stupid,
Quiet,
And just between the two of us

My favourite song makes me cry,
Because it is so soundly beautiful,
That it is all my emotion, thoughts, hopes, reasons and visions,
Created, merged, formed into a 6 minute and 8 second symphony of magic.
And even though I have never been through what she had gone through,
Despite her writing being so close to heart,
I feel like I could be a part of it all.
I feel like I was right there,
I wrote the song with her,
Or I was in that relationship too
The three of us.
And it makes me want to cry with her when I get home from work on a Wednesday night.
Because somehow she will understand,
Like I understand her songs,
And we could write a song together about my relationships and how he makes me feel,
And it would be enchanting.

I wish my arms were branches,
Then I could stretch to reach you,
My fingers are like leaves

I wish trees grew tall enough to touch you
Then I could build a treehouse,
To sit in while you are waiting

But I know you are waiting for us,
You can see us all from up there,
Sleeping among the stars

I hope that you are free,
Like the birds flew from the trees,
And are now sitting in your armchair.

I tried to forget about all of you,
Your little bits and pieces,
I tried to ignore your leaving,
But now and then I get tiny traces.

So they tried to tell me to leave it alone,
"Don't think about it,
You'll forget it with time,
As you grow older and wiser,
You'll learn and you'll climb"
But I cannot learn,
I don't want to climb,
Because time doesn't heal,
And fate is just a mime,
Time leaves me asking why,
And where and how,
I haven't thought anything else,
Than how you let me down.

So I put on my coat,
And walk through the door,
I remember what you said to me,
The very last score,
All my memories of us are fading,
And I don't want them to go,
Maybe I asked for too much,
All those months ago.

Time won't pass this by,
And you've probably forgotten about me,
So I'll carry on here,
And mop up our debris,
Maybe this isn't fair,
Maybe I don't know what's wrong,
Never thought I'd be this way,
When you'd gone.

Now all I know is that,
I still feel the same as I did 5 months ago,
That time doesn't change anything,
It just helps us grow.

I can tell where this is going.
Me, denying that I am in love with you,
You, flirting with those other girls,
Me, believing how I felt was new,
You, looking like an angel
Me, falling for your smile,
You, telling me it'll be okay,
Me, stuck in denial,
You, and your laugh,
Me and my hopelessness,
You, bringing me closer
Me, loving your wholesomeness,
And how you are generally good for me,
I feel like the dead sea.

I love the way you say my name,
Like the first butterfly of spring,
A big wave in the sea,
Backwards somersaults on a trampoline.

I'm not in love with you, my dear, but maybe I loved you
You left me without warning, without sign
Gave me seven days to figure out what to do
I think I loved you once, with that time

I loved you like I knew no other way,
If I loved you that is
I loved you without complications
I loved up straight up
If I loved you at all that is
I loved you easily
I loved you hard
I loved you more
I loved you fast
I loved you without knowing when
I loved you at the fall,
I loved you impulsively,
I loved you without call,
That is though, if I even loved you at all.

I want to lie so closely to you, that our breaths merge into one and I can't tell whether I am dead or alive.

I always second guessed your actions,
Didn't know if you felt how I wanted you to
Always believed that you didn't feel it,
It helped me to pull through
I never wanted to give up,
I never wanted to let go
I always thought that I needed you forever,
But with every high comes every low

I spent a long time searching for you,
You were right in front of my eyes
I couldn't see you
I was so blind
Then came along something better,
An offer you couldn't refuse
You left me and everyone here,
Casted me with this bruise

But you were never mine to let go of,
I was never yours to leave,
But I still feel kind of angry at you,
Let down and deceived,
For it was not difficult to tell me you were leaving,
It was not hard to say where you were going,
It was more than easy just to say to me,
This whole time you had thought of fleeing.

I guess everyone has to move on,
To all things bigger and brighter,
Your future now looks pretty hopeful
Mine's looking that bit tighter.
I want you to be happy,
But sometimes I have to be selfish,
And say I want happiness for me
But I think our connection would tarnish

I haven't seen you in a month,
But it feels like five,
But when I come to think of it,
At least you said goodbye that time.
In the two years exactly since I've come to know you,
I haven't found anyone better,
Not their personality or physicality,
You're my favourite sweater,
An investment, a scarlet letter
In a bundle of broken hearts
Deemed inevitable,
Work of art, all the best to be a part.

I'm addicted to wasting my time and searching for new beginnings
New beginnings that don't exist because I can't finish what I started
But inside I know that I am looking for something perpetually new

I'm stringing to the idea of our thoughts affixing
I hope that your lips are as honest as your mind and as pure as your heart
I'm thinking of how to resolve this war between my vanities and your altruism

I believe our friendship is stronger now than ever
And I'm hoping that you see it too
Because the way you laugh and how you make me smile
Is worth more than a mere sign of benevolence
But a merge of amity and ecstasy

If I could trace
the outline
of your lips
with mine
tonight
I would

If I could dream
that you would
dream
of me
tonight
I would

If I could say
"hold me"
while I slept
by your side
tonight
I would

If I could paint
the sky blue
as blue
as your eyes
tonight
I would

If I could
kiss
your right cheek
your collarbone
tonight
I would

Tonight
I would
lay
next to you
to feel you breathe
to hear your voice
as you say
"Tonight
I will"

A million loves for you, my dear,
A million kisses upon your cheek,
A million memories of you in my heart,
A million smiles made me weak.

Un million amours pour vous, mon cher,
Un million de baisers sur la joue,
Un million de souvenirs de toi dans ma cœur,
Un million de sourires m’ont faible.

A thousand bad dreams forgotten,
A thousand tomorrows still to come,
A thousand nights not alone,
A thousand days we have won.

Un millier de mauvais rêves oubliés,
Un mille de lendemains encore á venir,
Mille nuits pas seul,
Un millier de jours, nous avons gagné.

A hundred beats of a song,
A hundred notes in hand,
A hundred times I left,
A hundred grains of sand.

Une centaine de battements d’une chanson,
Une centaine de notes à la main,
Une centaine de fois je suis allé,
Une centaine de grains de sable.

Ten clean shirts,
Ten hours at work,
Ten love bites on your neck,
Ten times better you deserve.

Dix chemises propres,
Dix heures du travail,
Dix suçons sur votre cou,
Dix fois mieux que vous méritiez.

One more film before we sleep,
One silver pendant,
One love I’ll never get back,
One last ending.

Un autre film avant de dormir,
Un pendentif en argent,
Un amour que je ne serai jamais revenir,
Une dernière fin.

No more waiting,
No hand to hold,
Not one tear to give
No truths to be told.

*Plus d’attendre,
Pas de main pour tenir,
Pas une larme donnée,
Pas de vérités racontées.

I love you like Silence
Nothing
Just between the two of us

People are so contradictory.
One person will tell me a piece of advice along the lines of "there will always be tomorrow".
Telling me to not worry about having wasted my day,
Apparently it doesn't matter that much if I sleep in until 12:27pm and have breakfast and lunch at the same time,
Or if I decide to re-watch a whole entire season in less than 10 hours.
"Don't worry, there's always tomorrow".
But what happens when someone else tells you to "live for today" because "there might not be a tomorrow".
Stop messing with my mind because I am young and I don't fully understand or appreciate the fact that I can do what I want and have no responsibilities
But what I want to do and what I feel like doing are two different things
I am young and I don't fully understand
If you tell me, "there's tomorrow" I won't do anything proactive
If you tell me, "live while you're young" I will probably do nothing as well
But the point is
You tell me both
So no wonder young people are so ******* confused and feel lonely all the time
It's because the ones who have supposedly gone through it all don't know what to say
And they went through this system 20 odd years ago and things have changed and progressed
And some things are harder now than they were at that time
But a lot of things are easier now and we are more free but people are more troublesome
So there's no wonder why teenagers are as respected as they used to be
So it turns out everyone is ******* up
No one knows what to say or how to behave or what to do anymore
No one did in the first place

Loneliness has always been with me,
We’ve travelled to Paphos and Paris
We’ve cried together on the sofa late at night,
But he’s never stolen a kiss

Loneliness is like a comforter,
He’s soft and warm and kind
He tells me he can’t stay forever,
I tell him I don’t mind

I tell him that he’s all I got,
Nothing more nor less,
Loneliness, you've been good to me,
But you fill me with sickness

It’s a love-hate relationship with you,
I can never feel in control
You can make me feel so content in myself,
Simultaneously, feeling small

I don’t feel I’m in control anymore,
I feel I’ve lost you to someone else
And even if I can’t bear you near me,
I feel like you’re something else

You haunt me like summer rain,
A chill or a bite
You grasp my attention,
You fill me with fright

You’re the most disturbing thing I know,
You’re scare the **** out of me
To think you’ll come back, sooner or later,
But I know you’re coming back for me

It's been sixty-three days,
Fifteen hundred and twelve hours,
A total of nine weeks since I saw you last
And my thoughts of you have fluctuated,
Risen and fallen like waves of the Pacific Ocean,
But I have never felt like this in the past.

In these sixty-three days,
I have loved you like I've never loved before,
And I have missed you like I've never done
I've forgotten, forgiven and forbid you,
I can no longer shake this from my shoulders,
Each burden of you weighs a tonne.

In the next eight hundred and eighty-eight hours,
Strikes the beginning of the new year,
But I don't this one to end
It marks the end of moments like this,
Even though they've already left,
And I have no more time left to spend.

He's the man that showed me how to respect myself
By crying on the floor of the shower listening to Bruce Springsteen
He's the guy that protected me for creepy men
By destroying my friendships with colleagues
He's the man that sometimes flirts with me
By making up rumours about my Saturday nights
He's that guy who told me I was a nice girl and didn't deserve half the crap I get
As he walked backwards into the middle of the road.

Midsummer nights in late July,
By the water in the park
The first time you ever saw me cry.
The heat kicks in,
You take me to the car,
Drive me to places that I've never been.
There's stains on my dress,
You got that summer body glow,
Who would have ever guessed?
I'm drinking an ice-cold Pepsi light,
Driving around town,
Darling, you're my angel delight.

It's such as shame when you find out things about people what you didn't need to know,
Because half of the time,
It will be things that impress you,
Surprise you,
Comfort you.
And half the time it will be things that misguide you,
Betray you,
Strike you.
When I found out what I did,
I jumped to conclusions,
Wanted to escape,
Needed to breathe,
And I hadn't even asked you about it.

Gone, mind and soul from body,
Your physicality lays beneath us,
Your cognition sits on my shoulder,
Tells me that I'm wrong.

Your days are not over,
Nor have they just begun
One slip, one breath
Upon the bed he rests there.

One's problems and amenities are vanished,
For you are not lost to us,
Nor forsaken from us
Not forgotten from us.

You have left us with hundreds of coins of hope,
From all over the world,
Vanity and pride in hand,
Passed through wars and times.

"For there's a calm to throbbing hearts",
To find tranquility in tears of remorse
To find privacy in the heartache of grief
To find solitude while you rest in peace.

You rest in the master bedroom of my heart,
And I trust you enough that you don’t have to knock.
Sometimes we have picnics on the balcony of my veins,
Just to watch the blood pulsate by.

Last night we took a walk to my brain,
To see what memories we could vanquish,
I seemed to never recall any bad things with you,
You always shined like glistening eyes.

Tomorrow let’s ride down to my fingers,
Just to touch you one last time.
To electrify every sense of being in my body,
A rush of blood to the head.

Next time we'll travel with my feet,
Walk for days,
To thank them personally,
For bringing me closer to you.

Today I imagined a couple,
A couple sitting at the back of the bus,
Young and free.
He was telling her about his night out,
She was watching his lips,
Nowhere to be.

Today I imagined a couple,
A couple sitting at the back of the bus,
Quiet and cool.
He was focused on her smile,
She was touching his knee,
On their way home from school.

Today I imagined a couple,
Sitting where we used to be,
But alone together.
He put his hand on top of hers,
And she felt him,
Like hot British weather.

Today I saw a couple,
Young and wild and free,
Sitting at the back of the bus.
She had long brown hair,
He was 5 foot 10,
They reminded me, of us.

A young girl
Of 23
Once said that she was inspired to write an album
Thanks to the works of Neruda.
She said that it was the line,
"Love is so short, forgetting is so long".
And now she has inspired many others
To write albums, songs and poems
Because her songs are tragic melodies,
That make us laugh, cry and smile.
But the one that makes me feel everything at once,
The line that inspires me,
Like Neruda's line inspires her, reads,
"I feel you forget me, like I used to watch you breathe".
And although I haven't watched someone I love breathe,
Because I was wary that he wouldn't wake up,
This lyricist captures emotion and makes me feel like I have.
Now, somehow I know what it is like to be forgotten,
And what it is like to "watch your life in pictures".
There is something marvelously strange,
About how she manages to make me feel an emotion I have never felt,
Simply because, she knows how to write a song.

The first time you see someone you had history with, whether it be a previous partner or your first love or your no-longer best friend, the first time you see them once things ended can be painful. You have banished them from your mind, you have taken all the strength in your bones to remove them from your heart, you have spent weeks, months, years trying to mend whatever masterpiece that was broken. You tried your absolute best to live without them and then, you see them. Maybe on your bus on your way to school, when you are at lunch with a friend, or maybe you saw them on their way to work across the street. You spent such little time appreciating them and their ideas, thoughts, memories so why does it seem to take forever trying to erase them? The love that you shared was over in a blink of an eye, and now you spend the next six months trying to forget. You can't try to forget people or those memories. Now matter how much time you spent together, it will take however long it takes to move on and you will move on, just at your own pace not anyone else's. Not when your friends say, "Get up, we're going out, we're gonna find you someone, stop moping around." Your time won't fly by or heal anything, and it will leave you with many questions unanswered. The hardest part of it is knowing you can't change what happened and that maybe they are happy, maybe you're pretending to be okay but you're not fine at all.

People say that life is cyclical,
Day fades into night,
Then the sun rises again.
I think as life more like a chain.

Life is a chain of events,
Connected at one small point
Leading onto the next.
I think as life more like a chain.

Chains cannot be broken,
And therefore cannot be fixed.
Lives are not broken,
Merely tarnished or damaged.

Chains, like our lives,
Can be golden and expensive,
All are priceless, hold value,
But connect in a circle.

Our lives are like chains,
Each link merged to the next,
Some are imperfect or injured,
But all served a purpose once.

Your words cut like knives,
Slash deep,
I'm wounded.
Your words roll off your tongue,
Fall freely,
I'm dejected.

There's nothing but knives,
Fears,
And flaws,
In my place,
Where I am, who I am,
Eating away from the inside out,
Acid in my tears,
Insufficient calorie,
Ricin infects our brains
Destroys where I am, who I am.

I feel like,
I have broken up with him in my mind.
Like,
if it was all on fantasy that turned real,
he would be asking for me back for the seventh time
And wondering how much more he could have torn it all up.
And even though every other time I told him that I couldn't go back to him,
After what he did,
He still comes back for more.
Because he loves me and he believes that he can win me back.
And I loved him once and we were happy,
And it was a masterpiece.

He walks as if there's nothing stopping him,
But I see that there's something pulling him back.

Sometimes, when we're alone, he talks to me like I'm the only person in the world,
But sometimes he talks to me as if I'm something on the bottom of his shoe.

Every time I feel like I need to see him he's not there,
And when I can't even face him, there he is.

Sometimes he cares about me, worries for me,
Other times he couldn't care less and he hurts me.

But I know there are two sides to every story and two sides to every person,
And all I know is his name and where he's from
I don't know the music he listens to or his favourite film
And all he knows is my name and where I'm going,
But I don't even know that yet.

"I’m not going to let this one go"
I said,
As I jumped into it.
And then,
I fell
As I watched him leave.

You can do a thousand things right in your life,
But the minute you do one wrong thing,
Everything good you have ever done,
Suddenly disappears,
And you are left,
Recognised for the one thing you didn't do right.