Never been around someone so exciting
Where every moment felt just like lightning
That was also what was just as frightening
That two souls could potentially be uniting

I’ve always used books as my crutch to escape. I see now how careless that was. I thought imagination was imperative to a creative mind but it has taken a dark turn in my adulthood. I will always search and dream for things that are not real. Inconceivable things I’ve read about and cultivated over the years. Things that are found only in between pages. I have neglected reality for temporary pleasure and now pain is what I receive.

I am ruined. Spoiled. A dreamer now.

Have you ever wondered what you're alive for
Yet your heart still beats, the constant survivor

I couldn’t feel
I couldn’t tell
What was real
I couldn’t mend
I couldn’t deal
Or bare to face
That I should heal

Conspiring with the universe
The moon, the stars, the sun converse.

Regrets are hard to live with
Regrets are hard to swallow
Wherever you try to run
Then surely they will follow

I don’t want your hard exteriors
Give me your molten interiors

I don't know what I'm doing
I cannot find my way
Growing more and more stagnant
Another Groundhog Day

If depth and mystery are your weakness, meet poison

I guess I can’t delete every feeling
‘Til they're done twisting the knife
That’s when I choose to finally give up
That’s when I detect the strife
That they don’t realize mortality
Or get the meaning of life

Sometimes it's hard to be yourself
When people place you on a pretty shelf  
Only to look at, never to probe
Forced to fit in their perfect mold

My muse does the random favor
Where my thoughts spill onto paper
Just when I begin to savor
The complexities of nature
Inspiration starts to waiver
And then **** she's gone like vapor

Running away from the best thing ever put in your path
Do us both a favor and make sure you never look back

I met the one
But then he ran
So then I sank
While he swam

I'll pretend you are not the exception if you admit for one second that I was

I've done a lot of regrettable things in my short stint on earth but boy you take the cake

Everyday around sunset, a tiny reflection of the window appears on the wall. My cat obsesses over it and stares at in the most peculiar way. After observing him do this daily for some time, I began to let my mind wander. I began to see this illusional window as a portal to another dimension. I began to think this shrinking light was the perfect metaphor of my life. This fleeting window, a mirage that somehow cleared the fog in my mind. An ideal escape to another world. An ephemeral glimmer of hope that briefly eases all of life's unanswered questions. An omen that in some alternate universe we are living the way we should be, unburdened and free.

Memories dance on the back of my eyelids like projector scenes
I never get to see you but at least you're in my dreams

Wonder how many oceans these tears could fill
Suppress the demons with the contents of a pill
No one to talk to, nowhere to turn
"Fight or flight" more like Learn or Burn

Time and time I remind myself again
He will never be my version of him

God I feel like screaming
Harnessing these demons
Can’t pinpoint the reason
Life, what is the meaning?

I feel bad for my heart, it’s been through a lot
Beaten, bruised, stabbed, nearly fatally shot
Time heals all wounds but it hasn’t forgot


I feel bad for my heart....we’ve been through a lot.

I have the same premonition over and over again
"How many poems were about him?" I respond, "All of them."

It’s not as if you were even my best
It just was so effortless....effortless

Is there a word in any language that means I miss you everyday?
The absence of that word negates anything else I could ever say

You know the gift that keeps on giving
When you learn how to mourn the living

I was searching for myself
A journey for my lost soul
When I felt drawn to something
And fell into your black hole
Attracted to dark matter
How could I ever resist
Who knew that getting so lost
Would be the right catalyst

Reality can be such an unforgiving *****
When you realize fairytale endings don’t exist

I keep hoping someone is gonna save me from this fire when I could've doused myself

If I were to be honest with myself
I'm worried about my sanity
For the first time in many years
But in admitting that
Means I handed you the bullets
And painted myself your pretty target
But I can't live with that
So I'll keep staring at the face
Thats filled with haunted mistakes

Hidden layers no one bothered to discover
Dig deeper to what led us to one another

Sent a ghost a message
I knew it was futile
The heart does what it wants
Every once in awhile

Broken connection, the line went dead
Deafening static with things never said

Love vs lust I can never quite discern
Or simply human nature to always yearn

When water signs collide
An amalgamation
How could you separate the drops
Of saturated souls

All of these times together
If I could just stitch them apart
You would see how forever
Is just measurement of a heart

Just like the moon goes through phases
Love and hate we go through stages

Nostalgia always haunts me
On nights that I am alone
Forcing me to resurrect
Old ghosts that have been long gone
Nostalgia go **** yourself
The ******* that always wins
I try to drown your sorrows
Hope we never meet again

I'm just a lone wanderer
On the long way home
No matter where I settle
My heart will always roam

Love is the rarest and the most magical feeling
When you’re forced to destroy it, it loses all meaning

I remember the last time that you kissed me
Or the last time you licked my face
If I knew I was running against the clock
Then I would have picked up my pace

And If you were to ask me how I’m feeling
You’re a dime a dozen, I’m one in a million

When I first met you I was high off of all the pheromones and adrenaline but deep down I knew that I was driving on a one way track off a steep cliff with you. But in the heat of the moment as long as you were by my side it felt like the single handed best decision I had ever made. I was terrified because I knew I would eventually reach the bottom but the thrill of it all lead to my temporary insanity.  

I reached the bottom of the pit but I’m alone now trying to figure out how it ever made sense. How was I EVER that self destructive version of me?

I suppose we all grieve in our own way
I guess big hearts stay broken, don’t they?

Lightness fades against the dark
Like lovers flame reduced to spark

The thing that plagued me, what I wish I knew
Was how to get back that version of you

Embedded deep inside my brain
Transparent memory windowpanes
I can see them but I cannot feel
It’s just the past, it wasn’t real

Don't seek solace in the dark
Don't be afraid of the light
Don't squander all of your days
Waiting for the black of night

My trauma, my pain molded & shaped me
Without them this version would cease to be

Not sure if you ever noticed
I couldnt make eye contact with you
I could never match your gaze
Your eyes knew exactly what I knew