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Melanie Melon Mar 2014
I would read an essay on How to Draw A Straight Line if someone wrote it, I would like to know how to freehand perfection, how draw a flawless connection.

2. I would buy a lifetime supply if there was a perfume that smelled like CDs after I eject them from the player in my car, like fundip sticks, faintly sweet, completely bizarre.

3. I’ll scour every article on the science of smiles if it meant yours might leave me less lost, so I could interpret the exact angle of your lips and not feel like I have become one of your sunken ships.
Melanie Melon Dec 2015
Where am I supposed to go when I feel like
turning every thought I have into pink moscato puke?

When I take four too many hits
so someone else's lips can start to feel like yours?

How am I so easily fooled by good intentions,
by squinted smile eyes, by my own ******* desire to be loved
by someone who isn't a coward?

Having a bible verse tattooed on your ribs
doesn't mean you're a good person,

Its just means you have something to prove.
It really is finished.
Melanie Melon Mar 2014
In the kitchen you were trying to remember the words
While I was trying to remember how to act cool

Everyone was dancing and I felt old, at 18 something

You were sitting at the island, toasting with a Natty Light
While I raised my Diet Coke towards the candle wax splattered ceiling

Everyone drank and I felt old, at 18 something

You beamed your bandaid of a smile in my direction
While I locked my eyes with yours, silently accepting your first aid

And I felt old, at 18 something.
Melanie Melon Feb 2014
I don't usually wear my seatbelt
because if I die driving,
I want to go enthusiastically, smiling.

I only want to die
if in a gore-ific scene of carelessness,
I want to exit with a bang, part of a mess.

And I don’t find this morbid
Because if I die cruising down 33,
I will die my mind at peace with the rest of me.
Melanie Melon Jun 2016
"See, here's the thing,
I don't think I give a ****.

Anways, can you pass me the creamer?"
Melanie Melon May 2014
I have a sinking feeling
That our lips smashing together
Was closer to a car crash than romance.

It was beautiful in the moment,
As your heartbeat gave you away,
But the aftermath will be a mess without insurance.

For I don’t have the currency or wit
To pay for my emotional recklessness,
And I fall victim to my own mouth.
i dont know how to feel and mostly i just dont know
Melanie Melon May 2015
In a few weeks it will be the
“One-year Anniversary of the Night of the Beginning of My First Love”
What a title right?

In a few weeks I bet I’ll still bring you up when I get drunk on boxed wine
Mumbling about high school summertime together on my back porch
Or of you breaking my heart at a ****** campus party.

But in a few weeks I’ll probably still love the part of you
That helped me fall back in love with some parts of me.
And that's alright.
Melanie Melon Jan 2018
I feel like I’m falling out of love
Very slowly and not so quietly.

When I was a kid I went to camp
And I would be charmed by the trees
and the breeze that flowed beneath them

When I was a drunk freshman
I remember the moment when a boy made me feel like a breeze
like something that couldn’t be caught
but that could charm someone into a walk home
And offering, always offering to sweep me off my feet.

Falling for you was like the hours I spent awake at camp
Listening to the whispers of morning while it was still quiet
And looking through sleepy eyes at the light sliding in.

Falling out of love with you
Is like drunkenly skinning my knee falling on the ice
and falling asleep in bloodstained jeans

It is inherently painful
But mostly embarrassing
In a sad kind of way.
somebody sedate me I'm out of ****
Melanie Melon Jun 2015
I will not continue to regret my contradictions
because I am an atheist who cannot let go of god
I am a lover who loves so hard it comes of as hate.

I will not continue to carry the burden left by bad days
by bad people whom I cant convince myself are all that bad
by bad memories that feel like rubber band snaps.

I will not continue to wait for things to make sense
and I will not wait for clear skies to see stars.
Melanie Melon Aug 2014
There’s a difference between
A rushed drunken collision on a futon
Restless hands companied by eager lips

And when you told me that you lived for people too
and I couldn’t keep the words “kiss me”
from spilling out of my jaw.

You really ****** me over with this brand new feeling
because now drunk hands can’t possibly fill
that bittersweet void you opened.
(i miss you)
Melanie Melon Aug 2014
I like my coffee
Breath, it reminds me of my
Mom, and I miss her.
Melanie Melon Feb 2014
Personally I like global warming
Because maybe from the top of a water tower
Ohioans could see the Atlantic instead of rush hour.  

If the earth got too warm
Schools would have sun days
And I could read books I never get to from the shade.

And I really like the idea of palm trees in Columbus
Of tan lines, of tourists, of tropical drinks
And nights spent at Scioto beach.

I wouldn’t call it a disaster
Or claim the world is spinning out of control
There’s just gonna be more sunny days in O-hi-o.
Melanie Melon Feb 2014
When you left, you took the keys to your car.
The white minivan with the peeling paint still sits in the driveway
that I sat and drank root beer on at your wedding,
pretending it was alcoholic.

I hope someday you can commit to more than a call to your husband,
asking him not for forgivness for leaving and for never signing a divorce but asking him for $100 so you can continue running away from the life you still wear on a finger.

And I selfishly hope that someday you come find me
I deserve an apology for you leaving that car
and making me avert my eyes every time I drive by the house you up and left
so your ghost can’t stare me straight in the ******* face.
Melanie Melon Oct 2014
when I left

I kissed you square on the nose,
straining to reach you on my tippy toes
with my tears on your bleach stained shirt,
I said that I don't believe in goodbyes

when I left

you said goodbye when I couldn't.
(I should have understood that)
Melanie Melon Mar 2014
And when I die I can only hope
that I have chocolate milk in the fridge
and a bulky wikipedia page.
Melanie Melon Jan 2017
sometimes I drink too much coffee
and I find myself asking:
what if I become an enigma?
(what if I disappeared like you did?)
Melanie Melon Jun 2014
I feel like I’m shrinking
like when you hug me I become smaller and smaller
until your arms become tightly wrapped around your ribs
and I find myself wading through my own tearstorm

I feel like I’m melting
not in a cutesy crush kind of way that you’d hope
like when you can’t kiss properly because you're smiling too hard
but in a gloopy eyeliner kind of way.

I feel like I’m *****
like my hair will never be untangled
and like I’ll never feel as lovely as I did that night
when you ran your hands through my blonde mess

I feel like I’m falling
falling for you all over again and realizing
that the giddy drunk girl who you kissed two years ago
is ****** up now and she

will never be so innocent,
will never be so whole,
will never be her.
Melanie Melon Mar 2014
Home is that feeling that you get when your driving and you kind of sink into yourself, into the seat of the car and become part of the cushion and feel safe and it feels like yesterday and tomorrow all at once.

It’s that feeling that feels like you suddenly own a small piece of the universe, that feels like your front door in that its locked and its yours and that feels like your ****** car in that its yours and its falling apart.

It’s that feeling you get when you think so hard that you can feel every part of your body and it kind of aches of longing for you to remember how you are a vast vessel of emptiness, that you get when you cross your own fingers and remember how you are small and you are fragile.

It’s that feeling you get when you think so hard that your skin disappears and you flow into the air that touches the streets and fills the void in your lungs.

It’s that feeling you get when you forget to breath and forget that you exist until existing can stop because you cant remember the words to your favorite song or remember the way his smile can hug your soul and your brain says everything but inhale.

And it’s that feeling of when you realize you never knew what the streets you drove down actually look like because you are so focused on the roads and so focused on how to fill them but they’re yours and you’ll take care of them and you’ll come back to them and home is never being able to forget the feelings you bounced off of them and filled yourself with.
Melanie Melon Dec 2017
I tried to explain to someone
that sometimes when you cause pain
you have to lie with both the pain you caused
and the pain that that causes you.

I say tried because they wouldn’t accept it,
they said they could fix it.

How innocent
to be to be filled with blind optimism,
that kind of stubborn hope.
Melanie Melon Dec 2014
I wasn’t ****** at first
then I remembered that time
when I almost told you I loved you
but my lips met yours before I could spill

My teeth chattered and I blamed it on the cold,
on skimpy going out clothes and patriarchal *******
because what do you do when someone breaks you in half
and the best you could think of is to pretend that you’re angry
and pretend your world isn’t dissolving on high street
into drunken chaos and blinking crosswalk signs
trying to keep shaking legs moving forward
while your earth stops turning ?

What I wanted to ask you was
Have you ever tried to ease a memory as it was happening?

Because all I could think was
no, this can’t be part of my history
and no, I wont let this be a part of me

Because I let myself fall for you
because I fell for a coward
who wasn’t brave enough
to also fall for me.
Melanie Melon Jan 2014
I am the queen of ill fitting jeans
of infected piercings,
of thinking that blue is green,
of uneven eyeliner wings.

I am the princess of pleases
of hellos slipped through voice cracks
of drunken apologies
of forgetting to text back.

I am the countess of chaos
of a thunderdome of possible tragedy
of making too many plans
of avoiding gravity.

I am the duke of drunk texts
of fizzy lemonade drinks,
of lingering regret,
of caring too much about what you think.

I am the queen of ill fitting jeans,
of ruling my life with a clumsy grace,
of being a storm without tea,
and I'll reign with a smile on my ******* face.
Melanie Melon Jul 2014
I am sore
and I don't know if the marks on my neck are from you
tiny capillaries burst from a night of intimacy
or from a drunken mistake.

I am tired
a tired that can't be fixed by sleep
but by you kissing my nose and smiling
I'm sorry I made silent promises I couldn't keep.

I wanna be your peach
And I want you to be my plum
but I don't know if you can be my earth
Because I'm no ******* sun.
call me back I'm sorry
Melanie Melon Feb 2015
I can’t keep crying
over the people I used
to be, and wishing

I could be dying
because of that feeling of
what was you and me.
Melanie Melon Feb 2018
I think I wouldn’t love you
If I didn’t meet you where G O D
Couldn’t seem to get through to punks & rebels

Maybe I would still believe in G O D
If I didn’t spend so much time
Believing in you
Found this today and thought about the you you were to me and tried to reason that with the you you actually are.
Melanie Melon Jun 2016
"Well, you could always make it such a mess that you can't possibly fix things you know? Blow up the bridge, don't just burn it"*

I am learning I'm more like a Class 1 Explosive than a girl
Except no one ever stops to wonder,
does the bomb know when it's about to go off?
Or is it completely unaware of its own fate?

(I think the later).
Melanie Melon Jul 2014
how am I gonna find feelings and people and make memories
better than the ones I've had

what is and what was the point if not the people I loved
whose stories I don't need to be told because I've lived them
how will I move from reminiscing to explaining to a crowd

how do I keep them?
how do I stop this?
(something I wrote on vacation when I was much sadder than I should have been)
Melanie Melon Apr 2017
I was better at cats cradle when I was seven
Than I have been at most things since.

I called you a drama queen and I'm sorry.
I called you a drama queen and I'm right.

God doesn't save you.
The Jimmy Johns guy saves you.
His name was Henry and I need to remember that.

I couldn't bang on the doors hard enough
I was too weak. I was too tangled.
I hope you're not mad.

Unblock and don't delete
Whatever you do don't delete
Don't burn a bridge you might need.

Then he held me and I was too weak to fight it.
Like when he hurt me and I didn't care.
Like when he ****** me but really just folded me
into more knot than girl.

I know I'm supposed to say woman.
I am not a woman.

I am a knot.
Melanie Melon Jul 2016
lately I find myself scrolling through facebooks
that belong to people who I
a, don't know and
b, are dead.

20 something is too young to die.
Melanie Melon May 2014
I discovered a country new to me today
and it makes me wonder what else i can find within myself
when I just spotted myanmar on the giant map
thats been hanging next to my bed for a year.
Melanie Melon Mar 2017
**** me
**** me like we used to on my back porch
On a floral futon under toy car lights
Listening to cicadas and to the door
Waiting to get caught

**** me
Like the night I came to your freshman dorm room
And you offered only a hug and your roommate offered the truth
That you were (already) sleeping with someone else

**** me
Like the night I stumbled into your house
After misfiring pepper spray into my own right eye
And I woke up with my ex for the first time

**** me
Like the night you told me you were proud of me
That I was beautiful and strong and you had missed me

**** me
Like the night I gave my friend the wrong garage code
Because you had told me you loved me too

(but you couldn’t be with me
It was too much of something
I was too much of something)

**** me
**** me like the night I was so drunk
That I now have a Nike swoosh shaped scar under my arm
From falling off someone else’s bed

**** me like tonight
When your ****** communication skills
And wine that was more than $4 made me think
Something isn't quite right

(You aren’t quite right and I may be too much,
but only because you are too little).
what goes up must come down
Melanie Melon Jun 2016
I remember sitting on the school bus
attempting to untangle my new cats cradle

I feel like I'm always making knots,
even when it comes to you.

It's like I want to tangle the memories,
so I have a physical reason not to sort through them.

I never really got the point of that game anyways.
Melanie Melon Jan 2014
I'm over you in the same way I believe in Jesus,

My brain agrees with all the facts
But my heart can't quite agree it's true.
Melanie Melon Feb 2014
You might say you don’t miss me anymore,
But we both know that’s a lie.
And you might pretend you don know me anymore,
But I still made you cry.
Melanie Melon Feb 2014
when I walked in my stomach was screaming nerves,
my heart felt fluttery from my first of many iced black coffees.
I fixed my eyes fixed on the black hightops I stared at everyday during first period,
the peeling rubber toes pointing straight at me.

I looked up, meeting eyes with the spitting image of Kurt Cobain
who smirked at me curiously, then lifted a finger, and turned into the kitchen.
I busied myself untying my boots, even though they had zippers,
promising myself I wouldn’t loose my balance.

The high tops returned, followed by weathered leather moccasins,
who murmured through his teeth “hmmm, designing with materials girl” .
I grinned through my eyes, attempting not to make myself intimate with the floor so soon,
expertly faking breathy laugh to cover up how utterly freaked the unfamiliar title made me.

High tops grabbed my waist and twirled me into the kitchen,
offering a cigarette before disappearing through the screen door and leaving me
in a room filled with music that ran through my head like a brush
combing out the tangles from driving with my sunroof down.

I was surrounded by people with purple hair and overflowing hearts
who floated around the room singing and talking and dancing
while I wondered how I should fill the shoes of my new title
and what kind of shoes I should even be filling.

out of the corner of my eye, I saw high tops march back ;
he didn’t seem to float but parade, his ponytail not quite matching his muscle shirt arms.
He waltzed right up to moccasins and kissed him proper on the mouth
hands holding his jaw, eyes closed, and balanced on his toes.

Satisfied, he stormed back out through the screen
pulling a pack of blacks and a white lighter from his back pocket
(he would soon tell me he didn’t believe in luck,
even though it was in his pocket when he was arrested over a houseplant).

Moccasins just smiled, eyes rolling up into his brown hair
and with his hands out palms ceilingward in a silent offer, he locked his eyes on mine
Before I had a chance to overanalyze,
he decided for me.

Maintaing eye contact, we danced to the 22 year old boys screaming through the boom box
while I tried to integrate myself into the scene,
tried to float so effortlessly too,
like the cigarette smoke oozing in from the patio

he pulled me into a hug that resented gravity
effortlessly lifting all six feet of me off the ground,
pressing my cheek against the cutoff edge of his tie dye tank top,
my blonde hair tugging between his chest and mine

So with fuzzy lemonade on my lips
and bass players hands on my hips
I figured out I didn't need shoes
if i never touched the ground.
Melanie Melon Jun 2016
do recovering ****** users go to brunch?
would it be inappropriate to ask?
Melanie Melon Apr 2014
Sometimes when your hanging out of the sunroof during a rain storm on a summer night, and the water is soaking your shirt, and you can almost see the soundwaves of angels and airwaves bouncing off of the carpet car seat until they ooze out of the window
Suddently theres something about the song or the night or the fact that your college town view over a cornfield looks almost like a skyline when your going 55 in a 25 and you have to squint to protect your more than tired eyes from the air rushing into them and whipping your hair into your mouth and you can taste your shampoo
And for a second world becomes beautifully real, for a second you understand.
Melanie Melon Jun 2016
Freckles dot my hands like constellations
but I don't think they understand
their resemblance to the little dipper.

Freckles don't have eyes you know.
Melanie Melon Mar 2013
It was the time of summer where every kid had silently realized that it was ending,
No longer halfway through, no longer half full
Leaking and spilling out,
like the gas in my twenty two year old car
We couldn’t stop it,
And the moments of high school summertime
The moments that supposedly turn into stories we tell forever
Hadn’t seemed to have happened.

Both of us on the swing lazily swung
Dizzily from side to side.
Climbing forward, falling in reverse
Our combined bodyweight shifting back and forth
Tanned legs kicking up in an attempt at unison on every backwards glide.
Gravity hung us there,
Pulling the swing toward the ground no matter the rotation.

I sat on top.
I wore bleached shorts and bleached hair.
I worried that gravity or more so my value to it
would crush him.

At the same time, I felt unbelievably small.

The air pressed in on me from all angles,
it touched my bare legs
it easily waffled my shirt.

“Mel, if you were squishing me, I would let you know”,
he assured with a cocky tone of his very own that somehow made me feel special.
I couldn’t help but think he was only trying to be tough
Attempting to let sheer willpower overweigh my well earned quads,
My six foot frame.
The awkward body I never quite grew into
Never knew how to masterfully control
Never knew how to fill.
Though I secretly (wanted to) truly believe him

On this humid night I felt like the ball was in my court,
Like I could do anything and everything.
That nothing could go wrong
That the boy that I was sitting on was genuine
And that I could simply drive off to wherever.

(I had a full tank of gas and enough money to get me to Alabama).

I felt small in this,
in this infinity of possibility all around me.
Like a weight was pushing into me
Putting on pressure that couldn’t be ignored
That shrunk me just enough.
I felt powerless to fate
Powerless to this planet
To this grand, glorified hunk of earth which was so much greater than me
(and surely my insignificant weight anxieties).

I felt like the gas was leaking out faster than I could use it.
I felt like my infinity was disappearing as I swung within it.

Just like that, I let the ball drop and the gas leak out.
We just kept swinging.

Melanie Melon Oct 2015
I'm learning that I like to make mountains out of molehills,
to make Broadway productions out of scenes,
and to turn clarity into confusion.
Melanie Melon Feb 2018
I’ve always wanted to be someone who wrote in all caps
Melanie Melon Dec 2013
I miss hearing you excitedly explain your dreams about Bill Murray saving your life
I miss hearing you explain why you never take Advil
I miss hearing your voice slur "what" and "hmm" together in a way only you could,

asking a question and simultaneously thinking about it too.

I miss telling you about why my mom takes the scissors out of my room.
I miss telling you "sorry i called last night" when i got drunk and you
weren't around,

(even though that never really stopped)

I miss my heart forgetting how to work every time we were together,
like morse code through my body pounding the scaredest possible "wow"

I miss you telling me "You're the worst" with a cocky smile.
I miss lying under the stars with you,
just looking while our friends made out beside us,
my neck uncomfortably on your arm because i was too shy to lie on your chest.

I miss sitting on your lap and worrying I would crush you,
and you reassuring me out of pride that I wouldn't,
that I couldn't.

I miss that day when we were drunk in you're best friends bed,
I was too scarred to kiss you so I just giggled,
and too drunk to remember how it eventually happened

I miss you making me feel small and beautiful and wanted.
I miss you making me feel big in a different way than my height ever could.
Melanie Melon Dec 2013
I used to regret
my actions, now I regret
the person I was.
Melanie Melon Mar 2014
Melanie Melon Dec 2016
Sunday I couldn’t leave my bed
I was heartbroken, preemptively.

Yesterday I told you I loved you
And you said that’s okay.
Melanie Melon Dec 2016
It's a funny thing to be in love
and do nothing about it
other than acknowledge
the stupidity of your own heart.
(I hate writing about love)
Melanie Melon Feb 2014
there’s an ambulence outside my front door
And two,
my parents are watching the evening news.
Melanie Melon Jan 2017
I went to a bar alone for the first time
And I drank French 75’s and Root Snaps
In my new leather jacket and old blue jeans
While a friend listened to me and shined glasses

I told him that I’m not so good at leaving things unfinished
I told him I was in love but we decided it was too hard
He held his glass into the light and said
"Melanie, that’s kind of a cop out"

To which I nodded and told him "David, I know"
But I also know falling out of love is hard
And doesn’t get easier the second time
So maybe I wanted a cop out  

So maybe my heart wouldn’t have to break
And while I kept busy it could just ache quietly
For love lost on timing not once but twice
And not because of laziness or lack of.

Or it could be lost because of the alignment of the stars
(I think Mercury was in retrograde & I think understand that)
But not because whatever it was wasn’t totally ready
To be called love at all.
I would say I'm done writing poetry about you but lying is a sin and I'm trying to do less of that for karma purposes
Melanie Melon Dec 2015
How crazy it is how much of my life has been left up to chance
and how lucky I am?
Melanie Melon Apr 2014
Isnt it strange to think
We are whale’s heaven,

Because this isn’t heaven.

My seventeen year old friend snorting 4 too many pills isn’t heaven,
His mom kicking him out for trying to leave forever isn’t heaven.

It seems strange for heaven to go against gravity,
And that we are up for something else’s down.

I think we have it all backwards and heaven is in the ocean,
Floating in a weightless paradise void of broken people

Because this isn’t heaven.
Melanie Melon Jan 2015
I know its really winter when my fingers start to hurt
as if my nineteen year old bones have grown wise to changing seasons

And I was thinking about how nice it would be
If you could type my password on my iphone

Today when my fingers started to hurt
(because you haven't forgotten it, have you?)
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