today
my heart
is sad
sad like a big droopy face
is painted right over it
covering it
all.
i spent the day
an hour away
deep in the country
with a big, barefooted family
that i love
out in the sunshine
near a lake
and i could not help
but look at them
together
and remember what it was like
to be together
with my
family

but i'll not expand on that.
it is too hard
too painful
to expand on
to remember
to think about
at all
so i push these thoughts
back down deep
into the blender
of my mind
pray that someday
they will be easier
to swallow

Feel what others can merely hear,
Feel the devotion start to grow with in,
Let your motivation be your inspiration.
Let go.
Break free and fly along the wings of gratitude.
Feel each beat with in,
Feel your heart race to the perpetual motion with in the song.
Hold on to what little is left,
Feel the song rise up inside you,
increasing and building higher and faster each second.
head spinning,
muscles tensing,
teeth revealed in an excited smile; you know whats next.
stop, quick freeze.
and
drop.
all that you know
all that you are
all that you hoped for
all that you feel
all that you held on to
all the feelings that grew within
explode from each and every nerve,
blasting out in every possible motion.
get up
free yourself from the cage that bonds you in reality.
explode with the chaotic ball of energy that was stored,


dance.

Can you solve me?

unfold me expose my problems.maybe not. a simple bow slowly becoming a masterpiece of interwoven components. pick up sticks. twister. limbo. on the brink of collapse. One. two. three strikes your out. those are the rules, are you ready? go! drugs. depression. disability.drinking. abuse. blasting any sound to keep out the shouts. deceit. lies. regret. curses spewed out. careful you might trip. Or maybe you already are. like I said a bow, so easy to undo, so simplistic, internally it becomes equivalent to rocket science.  Where's the key to success? the missing puzzle piece? buried in as-seen-on-tv purchases and old moldy mattresses children's toys and croc pots. smothering the pain of a loved one passed. is he dead or alive?who knows. Is she going to make it to 50?unlikely. suicide just in time for a birthday. unfair exchange. continuing pattern. someone has to make up the hoi palloi  no one can or will solve it. you can take that to the bank...just wait a couple weeks.

The warmth of the morning, with just its cold chill,
Can send the essence of the dark night, whistling
In the background, and making its waves, and tearing up its minds
Off speeding into the darkness it leaves behind in all its cold terror,
Letting the wicked and the injured inside, collapse and follow it,
As the days foreshadow beings to set in, touching the walls around us
Its grace and registration of a new day settling in, in unencumbered
Gripping making the new time, this new time, a complete release.
See the shadows of the darkness as they move so quickly, yet slowly through,
Hear the stillness as it begins to warm, and the floor begins to make
Popping noises, as the water heats and steams and comforts the room,
It can be felt, it can be touched, it can be the presence of the daytime
Floating over, bringing sunshine, bringing joy, and near fulfillment,
As the darkness of the night, recedes, for now, into the holes it is kept in,
Until the sun begins its flow, to the darkness.  Pray only for the moon.

And I know you didn't mean anything by it
But you said it
and I guess I was wondering if it could mean something again
Because the second you said it you gave me permission to say it too
But I haven't
You gave me permission to feel it
Though i prayed to God I wouldn't
Every night I prayed
And it worked for a while
But then you said it
And you can't take it back
And i hope you wouldn't want to
But I'm afraid i would if I said this:
I like you
I like you a lot
I guess I just never knew it
I guess I never realized that all those times you asked me who
Or said I need someone
You meant more
And it may not matter now
You've moved on
And I helped
But I wish I could take it back
I wish I never helped
I wish I had realized sooner
I wish you hadn't listened to your friends
But it's too late
The moments past
And I get it
That's what I should say
Instead I just say:
I love you too much to like you
And I think I'm broken hearted
And I know I'll move on
But I hope I never forget you
You can't just say those things and expect nothing to happen
I know I promised to never feel this way
But I'm not so sure if I can follow through
We had conversations discussing why it would never happen
How we both feel the same way
But what if I was lying
What if you're beautiful and I just can't tell you
I know what to do
Turn up the music and turn down the feelings
The problem is. I'm running out of songs that don't remind me of you
My world is divided
Half say "yay"
Half say "nay"
All say "I told you so"
But I don't know what I want
That doesn't matter anymore
The door is closed
The page is turned
And any other cliche about things being over
Because you'll never know
And I'll never tell you
And you'll never read this
because as far as you know
I love you too much to like you

But I want to help you
Even though
We're hundreds of miles
Apart.
You always post
Those little things
That reveal how much
You're hurting.
And I wish I could help.
I wish I could say,
"Text me, I won't judge you"
Or somehow become your friend
And I suppose I'm writing this
Hoping that you'll see it
And think, "that girl will help.
I'll confide in her."

Who am I fooling?
Some things just don't happen
You'd never trust a stranger
And I can't blame you
But even though I know
Just how insane and inane this wish is
If you'd only ask
I'd respond and do my best
To give you a bit of the life you deserve

He's nervous to meet me, he must be.
It's been twenty-one years.
Twenty-one years absent from the beat of my heart where his blood runs through-
I let him enter intravenously,
Because God told me to.

I breathe in warmth
and the scent of cigarette smoke
and the promise of summer
Today only brings
new-turned spring dirt
and blood in my mouth
as I bite down on my tongue
The sun warms my back
and you warm my pulse
with your gorgeous mouth
as I find constellations on
the freckles in your face

you thrill me
I hate you
kiss me
Go away
love me
leave me
kiss me again

My indecision must make you crazy