Emily

Emily Jan 2014

I like to pretend that I have a tough exterior
That my mind is strong
And that the words and actions of others
Don't bring me down
But that couldn't be further from the truth
I'm so weak
I'm pathetic
It takes seconds
No time at all
For my mind to transport me to a place
A place where I think I'm hated
A place where I believe I'm unwanted
I'm so vulnerable at all times
When one little thing doesn't go as I expected
I freak out
I assume the worst
I make up hypothetical situations in my head
Situations in which nobody loves me
And nobody cares for me
Situations in which I'm ignored with ease
And forgotten quickly
It probably sounds selfish
As if I solely care about what people think of me
But in actuality
It stems from a deep self hatred
I hate myself in such a way
That I couldn't possibly imagine a world
Where people could genuinely love me and care for me
It's no wonder my relationships fail
With not only lovers
But with family and friends as well

Emily Jan 2014

Thoughts Of Loving You

I can honestly say
I spend every waking moment
Of every day
Craving the feel of your soft skin
Wanting to kiss you
And taste your lips
Hours can go by
Where I'm distracted
But lingering in the back of my mind
Is the thought of how perfect you'd be
In my arms
But most of the time
The thought of loving you
Consumes my every thought
I think of all the different ways
That I can demonstrate
My love and devotion
Your body is a sacred place
I need to explore
I'm longing to take a journey
With you right below me
Relishing in the feel of my touch
I'm going crazy with want
Let me satisfy my appetite for love
By satisfying you

Emily Jan 2014

Changes

I always feel so alone
Laying in my bedroom
Everyone I desire is out of sight
Everything I want doesn't seem worth the fight
It's hard for me to ignore
The heavy weight on my shoulders
Pressure from my family
To do a certain thing
And be a certain way
Pressure from outsiders
To feel things I can't feel
And do things I've never done before
I don't know who I am anymore
I've lost myself in my sorrow
It cannot be found
I've been searching long and hard
But I think the changes are permanent
I am no longer the same
I wish I could start over
And get another name
I want to go away
And forget about everyone I know
Just like they forget about me
Maybe I'll find someone new
Perhaps I'll develop a new passion
I'm tired of this life of mine
I'm too cowardly to end it
So I'll just sit here
Continuing to fail
From digging myself out of this hole
Maybe one day I'll get the courage
To go somewhere new
And start over

Emily Jan 2014

This Is Not A Poem

I had to change my name on here because someone in my real life kept finding my poetry and reading it despite me kindly asking them to respect my privacy. My poems are my deepest and most personal thoughts. I write for me, in order to get my emotions out. It is an outlet for me. I don't necessarily want my friends and family seeing what I have to say. I appreciate all of the poets here and love the feedback from you all, so please don't think Peyton went away. She is just Mela now. Carmela is my grandmother's name:)

Emily Jan 2014

A Thousand Years

Things that are the most precious
Are worth waiting for
And I'd wait a thousand years
For you

Emily Jan 2014

***

I'm not sure why people love *** so much
Maybe I haven't had the right partners
Maybe I'm too insecure to enjoy it
That's most likely my problem
Or maybe it's just overrated
Every time I'm in bed
Attempting to crawl out of my shell
And give pleasure to my lover
I just want it to be over
I'm so preoccupied with being ashamed of myself
And embarrassed
Obviously I'm my own worst enemy
But *** isn't that enjoyable for me
I only like to give
I rarely allow myself to receive
I guess everyone else out there
Is having enough *** for me

Wrote this some time ago...I didn't think it was really a poem, but more of me just thinking out loud. Hopefully one day, with confidence, I'll be able to enjoy *** like the rest of the world.

© Peyton 2014

Emily Jan 2014

Focus On The Real

i only need one person in my life
to truly satisfy
all of my needs
my world resolves
around that person
they say it's dangerous
to put all your eggs
in one basket
but so many let me down
too many are liars
and cheaters
why would i want someone
like that around
i'll stick with what i know
and what i believe to be real
i'll fight for what i know is right
i won't engage in superficial relationships
i won't entertain
that which isn't true