i'm such an impatient person
it stems from my insecurities
but that's no excuse
i treat my friends like they don't exist
ignoring their calls
and their invitations
rarely do i ever socialize
i treat my supposed lovers
like they're nothing
it's as if they don't matter to me
like i don't care if i lose them
what is wrong with me?
for someone who was once so selfless
it would appear to an outsider as though
i'm the most selfish person
making everything about me
comparing myself to others
acting like my struggle is worse
i would never want to hang around
someone like me
i'm impossible to deal with
impossible to please
i hate myself
so i hate the world around me

Rejection is so normal for me. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll be alone forever. And it doesn't even bother me. I'm used to being independent and on my own. I'm used to not needing validation from anyone. I've become numb to the sorrow that I'm careless with my every day. My once pained muscle of a beating heart is now like a black rock, immune to anything thrown its way. The feeling of loving someone that doesn't love me back used to make my stomach drop and my heart sink, but then I reminded myself of how I already knew I wasn't lovable.

It is so hard to cope
With the loss of you
You treated me
Like I was priceless
As if I were a true queen
Your words, care, and affection
Ran through me
Like blood runs through my veins
And now that you are absent
It is as though
I'm lifeless
Nothing sustaining my body
No person or thing
Can make my heart beat again
No experience
Can ignite the passion in my soul
As you used to do
There is no one as intellectual as you
My mind is under stimulated
Since I lost you
I've been living on auto pilot
Living a lie of a life
Not reaching my goals
Or even attempting them
A permanent state of apathy and indifference
Towards what the world has to offer
To me, there's nothing without you
I can't move on from what we wanted to be
What we wanted to accomplish
Together as a unit
And now that death
Has separated us
I don't have much of a purpose
Anymore
Other than to have faith and hope
In the idea that there is an afterlife
And that I may get to see you
On the other side

I'm not very attracted
To those who're easy
Those who go out
And act like they're so hot
Like what they do
Doesn't matter
As if there are
No consequences
I can get to know you
And love how you are
Love how you look
Walk and talk
But if you do that
With everyone
That crosses your path
You're no longer that special
Nor are you unique
You're not a person
Worth treasuring
It's a shame
People don't realize
Every choice
Makes a difference
When it comes to
Building one's character