Do not underestimate me.

Do not make the mistake of thinking I don't know pain.
True, I've never taken a bullet,
or been blown up.
I have laid limply on a couch,
unable to defend myself,
as a stranger took advantage of too many tequila shots.
I have been forced to keep my cries silent,
unable to scream out,
as a stranger threatened me to keep my mouth shut.
I have crawled to the aid of a friend,
just to see the look of horror on her face,
as I disclosed what had been done to me.
I have gone out of my way only to shiver naked
on a hospital examination bed,
as a stranger prodded and asked me to describe my pain.
I have experienced pain
that can not be explained by a scale from 1 to 10,
that can not be hidden by bandages or healed by physicians,
that can not ever be forgotten.
I experience pain every time you go down on me,
every time you remind me,
every time I look at my naked body in a mirror.
I live every day with reminders of my pain.

Do not underestimate me.

Do not make the mistake of thinking I don't know fear.
True, I've never had to worry daily
if I would survive to see my homeland again.
I have walked faster as strangers pulled there cars over,
offering me cash to let them 'put it in my ***.'
I have been cornered on buses and in clubs
my men trying to 'show me how to have a good time.'
I have been yelled at by men on the street,
saying they'd hunt me down and **** me for ignoring their advances.
I have been afraid to slow down,
I have been afraid to speak,
and I have been afraid for my life.
Walking alone down University, I have known fear.

Do not underestimate me.

Do not make the mistake of thinking I don't know loss.
True, I have never held another
in my arms as he lay dying.
I have made the most difficult choice, to let live or have die.
I have sat in a waiting room, terrified of what awaits.
I have spent days drugged up, but still in pain.
I have watched as I passed blood clots bigger than my fist.
And though I wouldn't go back and change my choice,
every time I see a child at play,
I live constantly with the loss of my baby girl or boy.

Do not underestimate me.

Do not make the mistake of thinking I don't know strength.
True, I have never come close to dying of dehydration,
and I have never pulled the trigger on another human being.
I have been told I am betraying my family,
by standing up for what I know is right.
I have, at sixteen, had the realization
that the person I should hold in highest esteem,
is more immature, dramatic, and irrational than me.
I have had to live with the acceptance
that part of my family will never forgive me,
will never re-accept me, and will never be the same.

Do not underestimate me.

Do not make the mistake of thinking I don't know love.
True, I have never gone for months and months,
celibate and without the one I love.
I do live daily with the fear that you will leave me for the one who left you;
that you will redeploy and never come home;
that there is a part of you I will never understand.
I live daily knowing there are things that have changed you,
that you can never tell me and you can never forget.
I live daily knowing there are a million things
that could tear you away from me, me away from you,
and every sing day I decide loving you now is worth every fear.
It may not seem like much to you,
but I love you with every ounce of myself that I have.

Do not underestimate me.

My heart is breaking.
(10)
You just turn and walk away.
(9)
In truth, I'm afraid of what you would say.
(8)
I tell you I don't want to talk about it.
(7)
You ask me what's wrong, why I'm upset.
(6)
I fail to hide the look on my face.
(5)
You tell me you're going to her place.
(4)
I almost reached over to grasp your hand.
(3)
But it doesn't matter, you'll never quite understand.
(2)
I try explaining you make me feel inadequate.
(1)
You notice I look sad; maybe frustrated.

I don't know
whether to scream
or to cry.

Frustration
clouds
my rationality.

Am I crazy
to wonder
if you'll do me wrong?

Am I crazy
to doubt
if I'm doing you right?

How do I know
if anything I'm saying to you
is getting through?

You react
by saying I am
insane.

Your reaction
does nothing to quell
my fears.

"History repeats itself,"
they whisper
in my ear.

"People don't change,"
revolves
inside my brain.

Maybe
I am
insane.

It's unwise,
My eyes
Reveal that which I should try
To disguise.

Not easily upset
Before we met,
Now every woman has become
A potential threat.

I refuse to share
My breath, my air,
It may be selfish, but honestly
I don't care.

The bottom line,
It's sublime
To feel your heated body
In rhythm with mine.

I'll never be untrue,
No one else would do,
Tell me you'll always feel the same;
I'm in love with you.

Ten lines
Describe
Your accomplishments,
You shine.

One lazy line
Is all that's mine,
Will that be enough to
keep you mine?

I want you
more than Plankton
wants the Krabby Patty secret formula.
I need you
more than Wile E. Coyote
needs functional ACME products.
I love you
more than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love pizza,
more than Winnie the Pooh loves honey,
more than ******-Doo loves ****** Snacks.

I watch too close, I see you stumble,
I wish there were something I could do.
You focus so much on helping everyone else,
I'm just wondering who's going to save you?

When tears flow down my face,
Your words wash them away.
I want to fix these hard times, and I try,
But I fear I make it worse with every word I say.

I wonder if I'm too self-centered to see,
should I try to cheer you up or just let you be?
even this poem that should be about you
Ended up filled with my insecurities.

You save the world,
You save myself from me,
You're superman,
I'm worse than nobody.

Without you, I don't make any sense;

Like macaroni noodles without cheese,
or Tweedledum without Tweedledee,
Like Abbott without Costello,
or a lemon that isn't yellow,
Like Chip without Dale,
or a ship with no sails,
Like Rocky without Bullwinkle,
or Simon without Garfunkel,
Like Yin without Yang,
or Zig without Zag,
Likeasentencewithoutspaces,
I'd be lost without your embraces.

The soft flutter of a butterfly's wings,
The bubbling brook as it flows to the sea,
The light sprinkling of dew on a blade of grass,
The lovely pattern it makes on a spider's web,
The petals of a rose greeting the day,
The last crimson leaf dropped by a gust of wind,
Evergreen trees sprinkled with snow,
The warm light of a bonfire's glow,
The sun has set, but the sky's still golden,
An old couple as they walk, still hand in hand.

At words sentimental
I’m awfully dreadful,
When it comes to exposition

I’ve found it best
To keep it locked in my chest
Hence avoiding its demolition

But somehow you’ve
Got me in an expressive mood
Thus inspiring this composition:

It hurts me dear when you think I don’t care,
If only you knew how I feel toward you…

When you’re holding my hand, I can’t help but smile,
Your skin against mine; I’m completely enthralled
Your arms hold me tight and nothing can harm me
My head on your chest, your heart beats out a rhythm
[Sleepily I dote on sweet dreams of you…]

Rarely if ever does one see the stars here,
But it doesn’t matter ‘cause I have your smile
My bad days are better as soon as you’re near me
When I hear your laughter, my worries are gone
[For the first time, I go to bed anxious for dawn]

A million years would never be enough
To hear what you have to say
I want to know you, inside and out,
I like who you are more every day,
[Just please, don’t push me away]

Hold my hand, and know, I hate letting go
Smile, and for that moment, I have the whole world
It may be cliché, but I had to tell you somehow
The thought of you sets my heart aglow
[“You’re my hardest goodbye and my favorite hello”]

I sing a song of leprechauns of butterflies and rain
I sing a song with a melody that’s never quite the same
Of lollipops and daffodils and other pretty things
Child’s play, a simple game, the laughter that it brings
Of lover’s tears, darkened clouds, figures in moonbeams
Beautiful reminders that nothing’s as it seems

I sing my song for all to hear, those both far and wide
I sing my song for only me, I keep it hid inside
My fingers feel the piano keys, smoothly as they shine
The music plays itself you see, different every time
Feel free to hum along with me, it’s simple as songs go
Feel the beat inside your heart, and you’ll find you already know

I sing this song for everyone who’s ever hummed a tune
I sing this song just for me I sing it just for you
Every soul extends its song, rhythm and beat, pitch and tone
If our souls all sang together no one would ever feel alone
I sing a song of fairy dust of diamonds dew and dreams
I sing a song to remember love as autumn leaves flow downstream

Sleepy Green Eyes, rest your head,
Slip softly into dream,
Walk amoung the painted clouds,
See their golden gleam...

Sleepy Green Eyes, night has come,
Laisser votre jour va,
Your lover and the silver moon
Guard you from afar...

Sleepy Green Eyes, drift away,
Dance, or swim, or soar,
A melody, a drug, a dream,
Une berceuse pour vous mon coeur

I want your advice, I want your obstinate,
I want your headstrong self-confident,
I want your fingers, I want your hands,
I want your bare-skinned body in the sand,
I want your voice, I want your touch,
I want you gentle and I want you rough,
I want your laughter, I want your smile,
I want you happy, moody, or wild,
I want your embrace, I want your kiss,
I want to feel appreciated, cared for, missed,
I want you quiet, I want your trust,
I want your understanding, I want your lust,
I want your affection, I want your time,
I want to be yours and for you to be mine

If I could write a song to make you fall in love,
I wouldn’t sleep until the words inside my chest were written down,
The whole night long I’d spend writing you your song, another love-me-do song

What a common tragedy, the one I love doesn’t love me,
And there’s nothing to be done to quell my perfect misery,
So I guess I’ll deal, teach myself how not to feel, and not to see

Instead I'll write a song, ‘cause that’s what I do, to help me through,
Compose the words to demonstrate just why I fell in love with you,
Your eyes, your lips, your smile, your beard, everything about you dear,
I love, even your temper and your flaws, reasons I hold on because
They make up you the who you are, the you you are

It won’t change a thing, a simple tune can draw a smile
Or an endless sea of tears, but it can’t create emotion that never existed to begin with,
No, nothing will make you love someone you don’t, this I know…

This melody may be a plea that would snap a thousand heartstrings,
Poets and lovers ‘round the world will feel the pain raging inside me, but you won’t,
The best song I ever wrote will go to waste because you won’t, because you don’t…

But I’ll still write a song, continuing the tale, what we've been through,
Compose the words to clarify why I am still in love with you,
Your face when you’ve finally fell asleep, the comfort when you’re holding me,
Holding your hand, always the honest loyal friend, sometimes smarter than I am,
All these things and so much more, are why you're the one I adore

When we're apart, I miss you more
Than you could possibly believe,
But, then again, I suppose
You would probably disagree.

I think of you so often,
If I were to make a line plot of my mind,
Your name would spring up more often
Than every other thought combined.

I love you unlike I've ever known,
And more with every passing day.
If I smile at you for no apparent reason,
That's what I'm thinking, though I might not say.

I want to hold you close and never let go,
Take away your pain, wipe away your tears,
Just as you bring out the lover in me,
And quell my past-founded fears.

For the first time, I'd rather not sleep alone,
I wake to your heartbeat, in rhythm with mine.
My dreams have become the most beautiful things,
as I drift away next to you, our fingers entwined.

I want most for you to be with me always,
I can't imagine my pain, were we to part,
If in the future we somehow drift away,
I make a promise to you, it'll surely break my heart.

I'm locked inside my head;
A prison of my own design.
Holding myself ransom,
Somehow, I've only started to mind.

These bars I've fashioned around myself,
Held me close, protected me.
But I feel like now I'm missing something,
And in order to find it I have to break free.

I'm screaming inside, I'm tired of hiding,
I know there's a key that belongs to someone,
If you can hear me, please, use it! Let me out!
It's so lonely in here all alone...

On the other hand, I must have done something very wrong,
To have been placed in a prison where the bars are so strong...

I am not who I am,
Just the same as everyone else.
I have dreams and nightmares, alike,
But I hide them so well, you can't tell.

Sometimes in my room
I'm myself for a while,
But the moment I'm not alone
I put on my mask and smile.

I stand straight, hold my head high
And am confidant no one will know
Who you think I am, is just pretend.
My personality is an elaborate show,

A children's masquerade dance
Filled with twists and turns, climbs and dives.
A roller-coaster ride designed to deceive,
Like Palahniuk wrote the script for my life.

I am not who I am,
But you'll probably never know.
I'm not even sure who I am myself,
Although I keep hoping I'll know tomorrow.

You can try to get inside
and look around my mind,
But you won't find me there.
If you want the real me, try my heart,
Somewhere inside the lonely dark,
You can find me hiding, if you dare.

You say you love me.
How can you?
You don't even know who I am.
The impression I get,
The message you're sending,
is screaming 'one night stand.'

Caress my cheek,
Play with my hair,
Whisper sweet nothings in my ear;
You think you're winning,
You think you're smooth,
You think you're saying exactly what I want to hear.

I'm not a fluid existence,
I notice, you understand,
You're madly in love with whoever who see.
I can’t help but wonder,
When we're not with each other,
How many other versions exist of me?

How very clever,
How very smooth,
Thinking an escape you've found
In pretending you're so worried
I'm the one that's untrue,
Nice attempt to turn the game around.

I've always been straightforward,
It's me, and no one else,
or else, darling, it isn't just you.
So, tell me, can you play by the rules?
If you want to love me,
You can't be loving her, too.

I'm sure she feels the same,
Polygamy doesn't fly well with girls,
The moment will come, you'll have to choose.
I'm left with but one thing to say,
I’ll still love you anyways.
Would she, if she were to lose?

You can try
and apologize
But you’re not superman
and you can’t
turn back time
So, baby, don’t try

How odd, to recoil from the touch of your hand
I forgive you but I don’t think you’ll ever quite understand
That feeling when everything is finally going right
And suddenly you’re fighting yourself for your life

I tried to run away down roads that went nowhere
Dead end streets dripping with deadpan humor
I’d hoped the ice and snow might numb me first
But still my frostbitten heart hurt the worst

Slowly you had me opening up to you
Falling head over heels and out of the blue
Thanks for pretending my text didn’t make sense
But I know you knew I’d do it, before I know I ever did

I’d tried to get it across many times before
But I always came off as drunk and nothing more
I swear to you it wasn’t just the champagne talking
It’s what I mean when I say you’ll understand when I say that something

When it comes to love I admit I’m rusty
You say, “I don’t understand why you can’t trust me”
It’s hard when I still cry myself to sleep
Remembering how much it hurt to have you say those words to me

You can try
and apologize
But you’re not superman
and you can’t
turn back time
So, baby, don’t try

She rolls a joint on an old DVD
Balancing the smooth plastic on her knees
She always wraps it so daintily
And when she’s done she looks up at me

She says, “Hey, you wanna smoke?”
I say of course, I’ll never turn down a ****
She lights it up with such a splendid grace,
Spillin’ ash all over the place

The smoke billows around her pretty nose
And into her nostrils I suppose
Two braids hang below her ears
Smells like **** and licorice whenever she’s near

I can't heal the deaf or blind,
I can’t turn water into wine,
But give me a glass, and I can turn it into kool-aid
Maybe if I were more like Jesus I could get laid

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon
And I’ll be leaving this place soon
And if you have any sense, you’ll decide not to follow
As I’ve told you before, my chest is hollow

Smoke me up before I go
Here’s a tattoo of a rainbow
I found it at the bottom of a box of ******* jacks
Put it on, and when it's gone, never look back

One last kiss upon the cheek
We'll both have moved on in a week
So walk me to the bus stop and say “adios”
You think you love me, but I know you can’t love a ghost.

Adios

You look ridiculous
in that obnoxious red lipstick,
Standing there saying I’m going to hell
in your Gucci hand basket.
Well, I got some words for you,
I won’t walk by in shamed silence;
If this God exists that you speak so highly of,
I bet he doesn’t approve of your passive violence.

The poison stings as it hurls and flings its sharp jagged wings
against my throat.
I am not hesitant as I press the firm lips of the bottle against mine for a long cold kiss,
knowing it only gets easier after the first pull,
knowing that it will probably all be gone before tomorrow.
They call me weak.
They say I'm addicted, I've lost control, that I'm a wreck.
I'm a wreck, and they watch me weep, week after week,
until my reputation reeks of this recreation
and they call it weakness.
But to me, this liquid is strength,
The rush radiates in me a threatening power,
engulfing every ounce of my fragility.
Is it weak to seek out strength?
The liquid burns as it froths and churns and settles into the cistern
that is my chest.
This liquid fire scorches through my body,
leaving me to stagger, and lean,
and eventually capsize, like a tiny ship
swallowed up by a ravenous sea.
But as my body breaks down into bits
that scatter across your living room floor,
my mind has managed to put itself back together.
No longer afraid to admit to myself
that I felt like I belonged here somehow,
No longer afraid to spit the words out,
To stop holding it hidden inside and just let you know.
Here. I hand you my heart on a silver platter.
It's so easy to do right now.
Alcohol is my cover, it is my security blanket,
it lets me say what I need to say without taking responsibility,
it lets me reveal myself without the risk of rejection.
Because, "Hey, I was drunk. I didn't mean it."
And let's be honest,
You probably thought, "She's not herself right now."
That those weren't my words, or my thoughts, or my feelings.
You probably thought it was 'just the ***** talking,'
and honestly, that's probably what I was hoping for.
So yeah, call me weak.
It's true, it's easy to see.
But as for protecting myself from you,
until you've proven you're not deserving
of my being wary, cautious, conserving,
don't you dare ******* judge me.

I see you floating in the dark
Glowing in the blackness of my heart
And then you stare at me
Pupils are all I see
There you are floating in the dark

Kaleidoscope of colors in my head
Ooh, a neon Roy G. Biv
You permeate my corneas, how intriguing
The way you sit upon my nose is quite endearing

I see you floating in the dark
Glowing in the blackness of my heart
And then you stare at me
Pupils are all I see
There you are floating in the dark

When I tried you on you felt so sincere
Ooh, your purpose became quite clear
You were made for my face, like it was made for you
You’re the Shaggy to my ******-dooby-doo

I see you floating in the dark
Glowing in the blackness of my heart
And then you stare at me
Pupils are all I see
There you are floating in the dark

Sometimes I feel so gloomy,
Got a brand new bag of shroomies
And now my blues are through
There’s one last thing to do….

Trip out (trip out) Let’s go for a walk
Trip out (trip out) I wanna smoke some ***
Trip out (trip out)  I'm tripping out man!
Tra lala lalalay (doo dadoo dadoo doo)

Sometimes I feel so bored,
I want to live like Harrison Ford
I procured some L.S.D.
I watch you paint those happy trees…

Trip out (Bob Ross) Let’s go for a walk
Trip out (Bob Ross) I wanna smoke some ***
Trip out (Bob Ross)  Trippin' out to Bob Ross
Tra lala lalalay (doo dadoo dadoo doo)


Bob Ross….(We love you)

Remember the night
you held me in your arms
after I drank too much poison
and could no longer contain my pain?
You held me in your arms
as I sobbed uncontrollably
and I could hear the hurt in your voice
as you tried to console me.
You held me in your arms
and kissed me on my forehead
and told me not to worry.
You'd never let them hurt me.
Again.
But it's too late now, isn't it?
It already happened,
He already hurt me,
I've already bled.

How odd, to recoil from the touch of your hand.
I forgive you, but I don't think you'll ever quite understand
That feeling when everything is finally going right
And then, three words, and you're fighting yourself for your life.

I tried to run away down roads that went nowhere;
Dead end streets dripping with deadpan humor.
I’d hoped the ice and snow might numb me first,
But still my frostbitten heart hurt the worst.

I'd tried to get the message across many times before,
But somehow it always came off as she's drunk and nothing more.
I swear to you it wasn’t just the champagne talking;
It’s what I mean when I say you’ll understand when I say that something.

Slowly, painfully, you had me opening up to you;
Falling head-over-heels and out of the blue.
Thanks for pretending like my text message didn’t make sense,
But I know you knew I’d do it, before I know I ever did.

I think that secretly, at least deep down, you felt it,
But you needed me to come out and say it, so I did.
I can't blame you, but sometimes I still cry myself to sleep
Remembering how much it hurt to have you say those words to me.

Sitting alone at the bar
Writing down my dreams
On cocktail napkins with beer stains
As the smoke slowly circles the ceiling fans

I felt helpless and weak
Wishing you’d steal a kiss
And fall asleep wrapped in my arms
Caressing your lips softly with my fingertips

Leaving at her beckoning
Tempted by a sultry dance
In a serpent’s grasp ensnared
By a gorgon’s gaze, a siren’s song entranced

How can I compete?
But how can I lose you
It may well **** me to watch you spiral
But here I am, slowly dying for you

Sitting daydreaming in a bar
Jotting down some insecurities
About an endless lonely existence
No resisting, no escape, no remedies

The brush of your lips against mine
sends a tingling sensation down my spine,
the sweet words you murmured in my ear,
warm whisperings for only me to hear,
the soft touch of your fingers caressing my skin,
the firm grip of your hands as you pull me in,
your smooth skin beneath mine is warm and pulsing with light,
yet as you tug at my shirt I feel something isn't right,
struggling to remember what it is I've forgotten,
I'm barely aware of you sliding beneath my sheets of pink cotton,
I feel myself pulled next to your chest, rising and falling,
as in my mind appears a face and a distant voice calling,
how funny is it after all this time of being apart,
the effect he has on my memory, on my heart,
remains strong, a tight grip, rarely fading,
and as I leave you, confused, there laying,
I regret a little this hold from the past,
the relinquished love that keeps me back,
but still remains the hope that someday,
my prince will come back to steal me away..

I know sometimes I may seem quiet,
Possibly pensive, probably depressed,
Then other days I'm bat-**** crazy,
All frustrated and stressed,
In the blink of an eye, happy-go-lucky
Can become angered and upset,
But when the time comes to go to sleep,
Even after the most horrific day,
I'll look to my side, see your face, and the rest won't matter,
Because as long as I've got you, I'll be okay.

All of the stars that shine in the sky,
All the jars filled with captured fireflies,
The fish in the sea and the birds in a tree,
Looks that say more than words could ever mean,
The waves that beat upon the sand,
The notes in a song by a rock 'n' roll band,
Even the miles from here to the moon,
None come close to expressing how much I miss you..

If the purpose of a song
is to make you feel
as if it were written about you,
then well done.

The melody dragged me down,
just as the words,
so finite and absurd,
in my muddled head spun.

Reiterate my helplessness.
There's no turning back,
fallen, broken, and right on track,
or so the band attests.

Nothing will ever be the same.
Nothing you can say
can make this pain dissipate
until I drain the last drop of blood from my veins.

All shriveled and pathetic,
dying for love unrequited,
how foolish and shortsighted.
How somewhat fitting. How poetic.

A handful of pills and a bottle of wine.
I'll leave the record spinning
so you'll know exactly what I was thinking
as I cried for the last time...

Hundreds of purple, pink, and red
Butterflies clouding my head.

Getting pushed around
Through jostling crowds,
(weak at the knees,
head in the clouds)

Thousands of blue, yellow, and green
Butterflies fluttering inside of me.

Generally struggling
Against the tide,
(Suddenly caught in a current
of my own design)

Hundreds of purple, pink, and red
Butterflies clouding my head.

My thoughts are muddled,
They’re so very confused.
(Everyone is laughing,
Why are they so amused?)

Thousands of blue, yellow, and green
Butterflies fluttering inside of me.

Quickly, get in character,
Put on my mask so you won’t see,
(Please don’t sit under the apple tree
With anyone else but me..)

Interesting,
How one can form an attachment.
it's like the first time you take a drug;
you may not be addicted that first time,
or the second,
or the third,
or the fourth,
or the fifth,
but the sixth....random number six does you in.
And afterwards, when you go without it,
you shake uncontrollably and get chills
and try to think on something else but you can barely sit still
for wanting of it....

It's not until then you realize you should've stopped at the first,
or the second,
or the third time....
It's not until then you realize you had your chance
to come out of the whole ordeal unscathed,
but you had to keep pushing it...
Just one more time, you tell yourself,
I'm not addicted, I can quit anytime,
you tell yourself, it's not like it's *******.
When you have to talk yourself into thinking it's okay,
it's already too late.

Found that out the hard way.

I had no intention of letting you come so close,
Why I let it get so out of hand, I don’t really know,
For I knew exactly when to go,
Even so I didn’t go..

This is what I get I suppose for hoping for the best,
For accidentally letting you get beneath my flesh,
True friends stab you in the chest,
Because they know your weakness..

I like the way you hold me,
Hold me, even though it’s holding me down,
My friends all thinking I’m getting kicked around,
You may hold me down, but at least you’re holding me

I wonder if you know just how much it hurt me,
That you could help me feel alive and then just desert me,
Even after asserting
You’d never hurt me..

I like the way you hold me,
Hold me, even though it’s holding me down,
My friends all thinking I’m getting kicked around,
You may hold me down but at least you’re holding me

Tenderly I’ll tell you of the saddest book i've ever read;

The story of two lovers and how their love is ******.

For the love each has for the other represents

The only bit of good either of them has,

And yet because of this love they share,

You can’t help but sympathize in his despair,

When she leaves him for a wealthier man,

That she doesn’t love and can barely stand,

Because she’s too proud to marry beneath her,

And so effectively is her own murderer.

Dying, and leaving him, as she does

Even after all that time, still in love,

And so he bides his days until the time

he can leave his lonely existence behind

and together their ghosts can wander the moor,

seperated by the miseries of life no more.

Sometimes it takes years.
Sometimes, only a few months.
Sometimes, in one brief moment of eye contact
across a crowded Chinese restaurant,
that in all honesty you never even wanted to go to.

People say that love at first sight is a joke.
Something to put in movies, right next to magic carpets and fairy godmothers.
Personally, I used to be in favor of the years notion. Or at least many months.
Unfortunately, your emotions don't always like to agree with your notions.

For me, it took less than a week.
I mean, it could happen.
Why not?
God made the universe in six days.
Why can't you fall in love in six days?

God doesn't exist?
Probably not, I agree.
What's your point?

I see. Hypocrisy.
Maybe I'm just fooling myself.
If I don't believe in God,
can I believe in anything else?

Some call it weakness.

But to me, it is all strength,
The rush motivates in me
A threatening power engulfing
Every ounce of fragility.

Like dancing on shards of broken glass,
Like prancing across hot coals and flames,
A simple game of who can outlast,
Yet dangerous, this playing with fire and pain.

The poison stings
As it hurls and flings
Its sharp jagged wings
Against my throat.

Some call it weakness.

But to me, it is pure energy,
Pouring into every pore on my body,
Filling my orifices, filling my cavities,
Exciting every nerve ending.

Lightening shoots from my eyes
As I glance indifferently at the world around,
It's always like this at first, everything disappears
I'm just waiting to be filled with the thunder and storm clouds.

The liquid burns
As it froths and churns
And settles into the cistern
That is my chest.

Some call it weakness.

But to me, it's a release,
With my judgment altered I forget not to care,
Suddenly I possess all these liberated emotions
That nobody knew were there.

Maniacal laughter as I'm screaming inside,
Filled to the brim with this fluid fervor,
Everything is honey, finally feeling something,
Participating in living life, not just an observer.

The spirit flows
And the feeling grows
And it only goes to show
That sometimes those
Who seem predisposed
To glow...
Are froze.

I am the flower that loves the bumblebee.

As he flits and flips and fluts between the daffodil-darlings,
flirting with the puckered tulip's twins,
dancing and dipping and diving between
the outstretched limbs of the persimmons.

I am the flower that loves the bumblebee.

Anticipating that moment when I am to be envied,
Patiently waiting to be loved at my turn,
before he is gone and on to another,
leaving me alone and hoping for his return.

I am the flower that loves the bumblebee.

Hopelessly devoted to a free-flying spirit,
whilst helplessly grounded amongst many
perhaps prettier,
perhaps,
but equally doomed to share him for eternity.

Loving him is like the sky after it rains,
A little sad and lonely, but lovely just the same,
Hues of purple blushing red
(If I'm still breathing I can't be dead)
He turns to me and as our eyes meet
I can feel the blood rushing to my feet
The light brushes of his hand on mine
Skin on skin teases me to no end
But nothing ever comes of it
Because to him we’re just friends

An orange flower and a black flower
Playing in the sun
The orange flower somersaults
As the black flower looks on
The orange flower laughs as she
Dances all around
The black flower just smiles
Because he’s fixed to the ground
But the black flower isn’t sad
He doesn’t mourn his lack of feet
For he loves the orange flower
And its enough to see her happy.

The sweetest sadness in his smile
Anyone can see he’s been hurting for awhile
Who’d have thought a man on his own
Could build walls so strong

The softest pain behind his eyes
You can tell he’s trying not to cry
When I question what happened to you
And he answers a love that wasn’t true

I’ll make everything all right
Until then I’ll just hold him tonight
I’ll make everything all right
Until then I’ll just hold him tonight

And I’m sure that he’ll put up a fight
Push me away with all of his might
Even so in time I’ll break through
Then maybe he can help me heal too

I’ll make everything all right
Until then I’ll just hold him tonight
I’ll make everything all right
Until then I’ll just hold him tonight

Who’d have thought a man on his own
Could build walls so strong

I crossed a Black Cat's path today,
He stared me down with his Golden Moon-Eyes;
Hushed and Silent Eyes that, still,
Said many words often unheard by human ears,
Even Cat-people, like myself.
An intertwined dare and threat,
Lightly glossed with acknowledgement:
"Cat-person, what are you doing,
To think yourself so inclined
As to cross a Black Cat-Path, such as mine?"
I quickly apologized for my error, and he turned his back,
Already onto some matter of important business.
Thus I got to wondering, as it were,
If perhaps when I crossed his path
It was to him bad luck was brought,
Hence the sulky look of the poor Black Cat…

Have you ever felt everything?
On top of the world, so to speak,
As if you could fly and grow wings
If you only took that first leap,
A fire of passion inside you burns
Yearning to explode; burst.
So much is raging, inside you singing,
Life is beautiful, because I am simply
Alive.


Surprise.


It's consuming, the emptiness,
No outburst of rage or affection,
I just look on, with glazed impassive eyes
As they speak to me of many things
Expecting a reaction that never comes,
The apathy would be terrifying,
If I could feel fear.
Have you ever felt nothing?


Panic; is that an emotion?
Attempt to control the oncoming surge of numbness,
Do anything to feel something,
I've tried it all; thrills, comforts, pleasures.
Pain.
Few have an effect
And of those that do, few last.
I thirst for more hurt,
Just something to feel...
Anything.


Hopefully these images flow in and out of your head
Without grabbing hold,
Floating,
Just like me.



Think to yourself, 'she's crazy,'
And along with the world
Stare quietly.

I'd love to flirt/charm/be proactive,
I find you sweet/funny/attractive,
You're far too absent/distant/out of sight,
I wish you'd come over/call me/write...

You think you know the game so well,
But I know that boy; I've heard the stories they tell,
So you decided to go and pretend like you fell for him,
Silly little girl, with no idea what you've gotten yourself into.


Say I'm being selfish, it's not fair, I have no right,
Yet people who're proven true friends are on my side?
Lust, pride, wrath or envy, go right ahead, name my sin,
Cast the blame upon myself, you weren't such a good friend to begin with.

He's going to tear your heart into pitiful puny pieces,
and I'm just going to sit back and watch it all with interest,
and when you come to me for comfort, I'll let out a laugh,
because it never would've happened had you not stabbed me in the back.

As my fickle pen sweeps across the chosen page,
Its unsteady stream of ink spouts scattered thoughts of thou…
Oh, that my grief were not so! If only my mind could wander
Without inevitably pausing upon thy fabricated tombstone!
But alas, for such luxury is not mine to own, that pleasant sense
Of rightness in the world so often dubbed peace of mind
For mine is not to be had, for how can there exist
Peace of mind without peace of heart? There ‘tis
I find the keeper of my despondency, my heart is at war!
Not warring another, mind, but with itself!
The ceaseless battle rages, with neither side being the victor,
Instead, my heart is torn apart…but who am I to complain?
For were my heart a whole, it would do an equal good
As that it does in two. What good is a flower
That has no stem to hold it upright? Instead of embracing
The sun, it floats aimlessly downstream ‘til
It disappears beneath the current, ne’er to be seen again.
This t’would be the fate of my heart were’t to remain whole.
Thus, by waging war upon my emotions I succeed
In preserving my sanity. For this, and this alone,
I thank thee. For without the pain dealt me by thine hand
I would still be drowning. Not drowning in sorrow,
As a part of me has already done, but drowning in illusion.
This illusion that I so easily fell victim to suffocated
All my senses, particularly that of reality, leaving no barrier
Between thy murderous rage and my vulnerability.
The knife thou plunged in my chest will forever be the divider
Between what was and what remains: The object
Of my devotion and destruction, one and the same,
Yet separate, for a part of me is remains willing to die
For love of thou, but still the other part is willing to die for none.
To die willingly by another’s hand is different than to die by thy own,
If only because thou diest knowing ‘twas another’s will.
Thus I inherently refuse to surrender my whole heart
To another’s cause, and so the battle rages on…

Is it really possible you do not notice the near-deafening
Pounding of my heart whenever you are near?
Every morning I awake with the persistent hope
Of spending simply a moment in your presence!
Scarcely a second passes out of your company
Within which you are not dominating my mind…
Is it truly undetectable, how unintelligible
I become when you speak to me?
The press of your palm against my back
Sends shivers up and down my spine…
The brush of your strong fingertips
Against my hand causes my entire body to tremble…
The gaze of your sweet eyes into mine weakens me
To a state where merely standing is difficult…
Yet you remain unaware of the absolute control
You possess over my entire persona!
It was years ago I fell in love with your laugh,
And your smile enraptures me to this day…
If only I could summon the courage
To tell you how I feel around you!
But alas, for I fear my insignificant existence
Is barely prominent in your beautiful world…

What do you say to someone who no longer cares?
How do you help a person who can’t see you standing there?
If all the pretty ponies and steadfast knights
Couldn’t fix it, couldn’t make it right,
What makes it okay to dream
In swirls and diamonds, pinks and greens?
How is it I can still believe?
My heart breaks every time you look at me...