All I can dream of is you
All I can think about...
You

All I wish
Is to see you again

Even One Last Time.

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They said she wore:
A ballgown of sadness
With a beautifully sad bow on her waist
And dark blue melancholic gloves
Her skin sparkled with wretchedness
And on her ears glittered joyless earrings
She wore her sadness well
But it didn't matter
Because no matter how stunningly they thought she wore her sorrow
She knew the truth:
Pain is never beautiful
So she stepped into a fire
So everyone could see:
"Depression's never pretty
And now it has killed me
Don't put flowers on my grave, please
I want everyone to know I died in hideous sadness"

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There is sadness locked away in me
That only you can release

Please,
Give me that healing touch.

My soul's been dimming lately,
My love.

Can you brighten my day a little?

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Bap. Bap. Bap. Bap.
The muskrat's tail slaps a beat on the water,
While the birds add a chorus.
Blue clouds reflect off the dancing water;
a disco ball

Shhhhh.
You'll miss it!

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A nervous energy fills my body
Anticipating, perhaps,
What I'll have to do in short time,
Dodging, flying,
Flinging, kicking,
Myself all over the field
I've done this many times before,
With the sleepy morning sun in my eyes,
Or warming my back with its rays,
In a quiet moment,
I can see the dust motes floating through the air
They give the game,
Almost,
An ethereal quality
As if the shouting and noises
Are nothing more than ghosts from games past,
And us, the players,
Are simply floating along in teh ether,
Looking for something

Regardless,
The game is coming,
And I,
I am ready

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I truly believe that every day is a chance
And we all have a choice,
We have to choose what we are going to make with this blessing of a day
I am so fortunate
To be where I am today
And I have worked so hard
To be the person that I am
You cannot imagine
The depths of my gratitude
So don't you sit there and ***** and moan about your life
You get what you get.
Simple as that
Now it's up to you to decide what you'll do with it

You have the power to do anything,
If only you try.

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Hot air flows around me,
Bathing me in warmth

...I wish I was in an ice bath.

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I write a lot about the sun
I suppose it's my god, in a way
Some people worship Jesus, some Allah,
But me,
I am a person of the sun and its life-giving rays
For me,
The sun stands for:
Hope, change, love, life...
All
It's a symbol of my rebirth
And how life,
It goes on,
No matter how dark and bleak it gets
I'm eternally grateful for the sun

My Sun

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I've got dreams
You've got dreams
We've all got dreams
So how are you going to achieve those dreams
If you're not even alive?
I want you to live
I want to witness your dream come alive
And I hope you'll do the same for me

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On July 22nd, I wrote:
"And I know I won't get any gifts
But it sure would be nice
To have you on my birthday"

Silly, stupid girl
Don't you know
Wishes don't come true
And least they don't for you

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With these words in my throat
And a pen in my hand
There's not much else to do,
Except
To spill it all out on here,
Hoping,
Wishing,
Wanting, dare I say,
To gain some semblance of understanding
Of myself

How ridiculous is it,
That I can't even figure myself out in my own head?
Maybe it's because there's too many thoughts flying around,
Pinging around my skull,
Clouding my thoughts

So the only way to understand it all,
Is to throw some of my **** on these pages
And hope some of it sticks

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I think there's something special in the way you say hi to someone you truly have a connection with. "Hi." "I see you. My heart sees your heart." It's like a recognition of the souls. In a chaotic day, a simple "hi" can slow everything down and make everything so much simpler and easy to see. "Hi." "I love you." It's hard to explain, but to me it's like an embrace within a greeting. A word-hug. And I truly love it.

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Sometimes I think I'm made of ice:
Cold, so cold, not caring, not giving,
nothing.
Sometimes I turn so cold I'm amazed my heart still beats

But there you stand,
A blazing bonfire,
Melting me, warming me,
And I can feel the icicles dripping

Boom. Bo-boom.
My heart starts beating again,
And - here I am,
Finally human again.
And warm.

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I have sutures up and down my body, inside and out
They're keeping me together while I heal
But they've been there a while
And I just want to know
How long will it take to heal?
I'm itching to be free of my confines
And live my life,
Without being afraid I'll rip open old wounds
And watch my happiness drain out of me

...Hopefully sooner rather than later

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Two pages left
I want to make it special
I've put a lot of myself in here
Healing, venting, stitching old wounds

This unassuming little book holds the best and the worst of me
(But mostly the worst)

I,
I have fought
I have struggled for five years
And I almost gave up
But I didn't.
So,
Look Where I Am Now
My life is a rollercoaster,
And I'm simply going up

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Sunlight shining softly
No tears around
Just some dew
Gently glistening
On the ground

And here are we,
Heroes, all
Standing,
Happy,
Healthy,
And with wide awake hearts.

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And on these long, cold nights I wonder...
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you think of me like I think of you?

It's hard to get lost in life
When someone who made me feel so much
Is no longer in mine

There is but a dull, cold ache
And I'm afraid it's slowly spreading.
When will Spring come?
It's been a long winter

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One foot in the future,
One foot in the past

I sit and wonder what the last
Moment here I will have,
As I am pulled back and forth between future and
Past

I feel as though I’m ready,
Yet I wonder if I am

What will this calm bring?

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These weeks have been a blur and an eternity all at once...
I'm so busy,
But any day where I don't talk to you
Is the cruelest kind of punishment:
Sad and slow.

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I've decided you're an angel
How else could you be so...
Understanding?
Caring?
Talented?

I think that if you got a look at your heart,
It's be shining white and gold,
Almost drowning out the sun
Someone put you here to spread...
Hope?
Courage?
Love?

And for that I ma eternally grateful
Because I'm happy to have handed you my heart
And to have gotten it back, sewn together

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I'm not much of a watch person
And I'm not quite sure why
Maybe it's because I measure time by how many times I've made someone laugh
Or whether or not I've written a note for someone
I suppose that means I use people, life, as my watch,
And not a stupid little dinky machine

You know, out of all the species on Earth,
Humans are the only ones who keep track of time
Maybe we need to return to our roots
And forget our clocks
I don't want to tick-tock-tick the rest of my life away

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Dear Mrs. H,

You have taught me quite a lot:
Patience,
Unending kindness,
The power of a smile and laugh,
Faith,
Belief in someone else,
And,
Agape.
Unconditional love.
Thank you, truly
For you have shown what it means
To truly love and live life
I don't know anybody Quite Like you
And I'm quite certain I don't want to
You are a one-of-a-kind
And I am truly grateful for you

Thank you.

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You are the most nonthreatening person I know

And I'm so
*******
Jealous

Because I hate
That when I move too fast,
My friends flinch

I hate
That when I get excited and loud,
My friends get mad and tell me to stop shouting,
As if I have no right to be excited, happy

As if I can just fold in on myself,
Be smaller

I'm too hard and big and strong to be viewed as
Gentle
And I hate that I'm not viewed as
Kind

I wish my lines were softer, like yours

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Last night,
With the way the lights framed your face and lit up your eyes,
I wanted nothing more
Than to tuck your hair behind your ear
And plant a kiss on your lips,
Hoping it could blossom into something more
Alas,
There was no water to feed it,
No sunlight to nourish it,
And I wasn't nearly drunk or brave enough
To start digging

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Your plump, pink lips,
Conveying your honeyed words to me

They tease me...
Something I desperately want,
Yet can't have.

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Rippling waves returning to the shore,
Time and again,
Always coming back,
Moving under the sweet summer sun

The ferns are unfurled,
Giving the ground a scent of mystery
What could be hiding under them?

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I am an artist.
I do not sing for the crowds,
Or paint for the rich,
Or play for the masses.

It's just me, my pen, and my paper.
There is no glory in this,
No bragging rights to be found,
Only simple solace and peace in my words.

But still,
I am an artist.

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One more night without you by my side
One more night in a cold, cold bed


I just want to curl up in your heart
And sleep the day away

I can just imagine the scent of your skin
And the heat of your neck


Soft whispers into your collarbones,
And softer touches on your ribs

A heady scent surrounding me:
You, you, only you



Just one night is all I ask.

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Wondering as always,
What did I do wrong?

Old insecurities,
Never far from the surface

Why can't you talk to me?

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Fumbling in the darkness
It seems I cannot find my footing
Will you not give me a light?
Do you not care?

I must be listening to promises again
And not listening to the reality around me

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The time clicks on
And I am frozen,
Unmovable
Even if I wanted
But I don’t
Let me sit here, undisturbed
I don’t know anything except what I can see
And I will find some peace in this moment.

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I sit here an torture myself,
Running in circles but thinking I'm moving forward.

Will I ever learn?
Why am I like this?
What's the point of it all?

To be happy, I guess...
So why do I do this to myself?

Why can't it be easy?

Too many questions,
Not enough answers.

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I have bags under my eyes
I don't know why

I mean, sure, it's harder to sleep when you're not in my bed anymore,
And nobody tells me "goodnight" now,
And there's no more kisses on my eyelids
And
And
And...
I miss you

I'm cold and lonely and oh so sad
And a pillow just isn't the same as hearing your heart and lungs

Oh well
I've always loved watching the stars

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You told me you didn't want to be friends
Anymore because of the poems I wrote about
You and I just think it's ******* hilarious
That I'm still writing them about you.

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I know a lot of words
24,500, approximately
(I took a test)
And what the test said was this:
"Only say yes
To a word
If you know the definition"
And, well,
I,
I know a lot of words, truly,
I do.
But...
Not a lot of definitions
Words are feelings for me,
Movements, gestures, sounds, colors,
Nerve endings firing, muscles tightening,
Pictures.

I don't know definitions of words
I just feel them in my gut
Maybe that's why I write so bad
I feel, I don't
Think

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My hands are ******* shaking like a ******
I wish I just had one last final taste,
Something bittersweet to send me off before we never talk again

God, I'm so sorry.
If I could take it all back I would.

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I'm going to get tattoos one day,
And when I do,
I'm going to get angel wings on my back
So that I will never forget
Those that got me through my worst times
And so I'll be reminded
That even those in the dark
Can one day conquer that and be suddenly bathed in light
Basking in the rapture,
That glorious feeling,
Knowing that our Creator himself
Is smiling down on you

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God I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
God I could write pages pages pages pages pages of apologies but what ******* good would they do because they won't make you change your mind and come back to me, ****, PLEASE, I'm so sorry I never meant for them to happen I'll take back every single thing I wrote I'll burn it ALL I PROMISE JUST PLEASE TALK TO ME

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If I could give you the happiness you deserve
I'd do it without hesitation

But
I
Can't

So here I stand
With my heart in my hands
And nothing to show for it all

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Lately,
My hands seem to always be cold
And I don't know if it's just because it's winter
Or if my heart is starting to shut down from everything it's been through
Maybe I'm just looking for someone,
You, perhaps
To come along and cup them in yours
And maybe we can stay that way for a while

I mean,
Only if you want to
I'm sure I can find mittens

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I may not be good at drawing
So the best I can manage is this,
Painting a picture of my heart with these words,
Hoping you can spot the different colors,
Picking out the details
Sometimes my pictures are cold and blue
Sometimes they're red hot
They used to be completely grey
But now they burst with color
So here you go, my dear
Snapshots of my heart, mind, and soul
I hope you like them

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Your touch,
Phantasmic,
Rests fleetingly on my skin.

You were like all good things...
Gone too soon.

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How long Must I Wait?
To have you in my arms again,
Touching places only we know?

Deprived of air,
Deprived of water,
Deprived of food...

No, it is something worse.
Those do not measure up
To being deprived of you.

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I've never been as infatuated with someone's hands
As I am with yours

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Tiny barbs
So small, yet they carry so much weight

Am I that blind to myself?

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I say your name like it's a *******
Prayer and I'm drowning and it's the Only thing that might save me

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My body is a temple,
Wherein somebody defaced the walls,
Tore down the statues,
And ****** on the altars,
spraying black paint everywhere.
And - ah me!
I was overwhelmed by it all and I let it get to me, I did nothing.
Nothing at all, for the longest time

But one day, I had a glimmer of hope
And then I had two
And I had more and more
So I got up, and I cleaned my temple,
repaired it,
And - oh!
How it gleams in the sun, now

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The storm rages on around us
And,
My dear,
I can't help but think
That even if we were in the middle of a tornado
You could make it feel like a
Calm, calm day on the lake

My life is chaotic
And nothing - nobody
Is even close to the large modicum of
Peace
your aura brings.

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Bitterroot in my mouth,
Thinking of you.
I remember when thoughts of you filled my mouth with sweet sugar,
But there is none of that here now.

How could you?

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Soft powder,
Settled

The air
So cold

And me,
So subdued.

Why can't this happen more often?

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