Goodbye, Ryanson.
You will be so missed.
Your kindness, goofiness, and welcoming nature were
Rare.
And so welcome in day-to-day life.
I remember
You were walking through school with a plate of cookies, and
I
Asked if I could have
One.
You gave me the whole plate.

If that doesn't tell people what kind of person you are,
Were,
...Then I don't know what to say.

Goodbye, Ryanson.
Rest in peace.
You will be so missed.

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Ah-
I am sad
And it's all because of you

You hate me and you don't even know it.

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Hands.
Hands.
Hands Hands Hands

They are what makes us, us.
It's how we write,
Type,
Drive,
Operate,
Cook,
Prepare,
Build,
Destroy,
Love.­

They are how we navigate this life
And they tell a wonderful story,
With creases, callouses, cuts and scars,
They are beautiful
And I am so thankful

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Mountains...
Greater even than the karsts
The moon itself must climb them to shine in the sky

Black rock towers,
Capped with snow
The sharp angles of the faces,
Cutting the sky

Mountains...
Earth's true giants.

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Junior Prom
For me, it's a time of sad excitement
Because,
While other girls have their boyfriend
And their night is going to be a
Fairytale
I'm going to be dancing my heart away,
Wishing it was dancing next to yours
You've got me crazy, girl
And sure,
Boys are nice and all,
But
They really don't compare
To
You

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I could be eating ash right now and it would
Taste the
Same

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As August fades,
So do does my nail polish,
And my memories along with it.

I hope you will stay in my heart.
But like my nail polish,
You seem determined to fade away.

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You looked like something from a dream,
An angel
All in white.
Glowing from head to foot
And more heart-achingly beautiful than a spring day

Maybe my prayers have finally

Been answered

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Dear Creator,
I thank you for the days you've gifted me
I thank you for the lesson I have learned,
The lessons I'm learning,
And the lessons I will learn.
Thank you for all I have yet to come
Thank you for the push I needed
But truly, thank  you
For you have shown me the path,
And I enjoy it so
I don't know where I'm going,
And I don't know if you'll always be there
But I do know one thing:
You were there when I needed you most

I've never prayed before
And my words may confuse you,
But I promise I'm trying

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"I hope they see each freckle on your back as if it's a star and you are the whole universe to them."

I want to kiss each freckle on your chest
And trace the lines that'd connect each one

I'm quite sure that if I followed my heart
And traced what it's telling me
The freckles on your chest would form a pair of angel wings
And my heart would tell me
"Kiss her wings, so that she may fly
And never be grounded"
But currently the only wings I have belong to Icarus
And I'm flying too close to you,
My sun

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I've learned a lot of things in my 16 years
I've learned quadratic equations,
Parts of speech,
Ohm's Law

But I've also learned
That patience is key,
It's the little things that matter,
And that you should stop and smell the roses

But none of that compares to these things:
Nothing shines quite as bright as your eyes,
Nothing twinkles as much as your smile,
And nothing,
Nothing
Hurts as much as not having you

Considering how smart I am,
I'm pretty stupid, huh?

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As I walk into my future,
I feel strangely alone
You, so far from my spot in life
And you, falling ever far behind

Am I going to reach land alone?
How can I get there by myself?

Why can’t someone else save me for once?

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"Fall on your knees
Oh, hear the angels' voices
Oh, night divine
The stars are brightly shining"

This always reminds me of you,
My angel

Fall on my knees
Hearing your voice,
Rip my soul from my body,
I don't deserve your presence

How and why I was blessed with you,
I do not know
All I know is how grateful I am

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Verdant green blooms,
Exploding in the trees like fireworks

The sun ripples through the leaves,
Leaving hope shining on the ground

Mossy rocks calmly face away from the forest,
Protecting and guarding all from threats

And
The flowers,
Bursting out of the ground,
Little shocks of color
They say, "Hey! Here I am!"
Calling for attention,
The adulation of the masses,
A celebrity on the red carpet,
Flaunting their best

The forest is full of so  much life,
Bursting at the seams with stories to tell,
Watching,
And waiting.
Waiting for a listener,
So they may describe the wonder of life,
And
The Beauty.

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Sometimes I just get so ****
Sad
That even breathing feels melancholy
And my limbs grow too heavy to move

I just want to sleep my heavy feelings away
And forget I even exist
Because sometimes
It's just too **** painful to be alive

And there's so much
Good in the world,
Believe me, I know,
But there's just
So much concrete in my
Lungs Sometimes I want to stop

Breathing.

In and
Out.
On repeat.

I need some sleep.

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My own self-censors
Are the harshest gates I know
Nothing goes past without approval
And the things that are and aren’t permitted
Have been beaten into my brain
By the world
And then by me

So it’s no wonder
That sometimes
Nothing flows forth.

Dam.

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Long lay the world
In sin and error, pining
Till you appeared
And my soul felt its worth





There's not much more to say
Than
That

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I feel the sadness
Its tendrils ghost past my soul
I forge on through the light
I will not let it touch me
I have worked too hard
For too long
To wander off this path

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My room smells like alcohol and longing

Two things that really don't go well together

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I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I loved you.
I loved you more than myself, more than the earth, more than life.
I loved you so deeply you tore the fabric of my being in two when you left,
Never to return.

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Sick with longing,
I waste away into nothing

The earth takes me back
And I am flowers again

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Dear Creator,
I thank you for this day
I thank you for the ones behind me,
And the ones before me
I thank you for the opportunities you have given me,
The ones you are giving me,
And the ones you will give me
I know what's behind me,
But I haven't the slightest clue what's in front
I can only hope you'll be there with me,
Taking in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

As it should be.

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I am sure you taste sweeter than the apple slice you're eating

I wish I could find out

May I taste your lips, dear?

I promise I'll be gentle

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Ripping out cords of my own muscle,
I don't want to feel like this.

Tissues aflame with agony, and
I can't do anything about it

My lungs are breathing air, but somehow it's hollow?

How did I get here?

I stare blandly at my reflection.

"Make use of suffering."

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Sometimes my joints ache so  much

And, I think,
Nothing could heal them
Quite like you

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We are two diametric ellipses,
Coming close,
To be flung far and wide apart,
But always returning back to each other

(At least in some form)

But I don't like this distance.

How can I move heaven and cosmos to stay in your orbit, and you mine?

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Lazy summer nights
Songs softly playing,
Hazy eyes flickering,
A laugh here, a touch there
Slow affection spreading,
Like the warmth from hot chocolate on a fall morning

How fitting,
This reminds me of fall,
And falling is what I'm doing

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The girl with the wooden heart
Ka-thunk, ka-thunk
Living, growing, breathing, beautiful,
Wood.

And then it petrified, fossilized,
Became stone.

Because some pain just stops you
Dead.
And you can't move past it.

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Last year I had depression
Last year my grades weren't so good
This year I'm recovered
This year I'm doing ...amazing

So, mom,
It's not that I was lazy
And I've "Gotten my act together"

It's that
Last year I didn't do my homework
Because I focused more on not killing myself
Than I did graphing 3D objects
And I was too busy summoning the energy to shower for the first time in five days
To even glance at my biology notes
You don't understand, ok?
Please stop

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A resting house, it
Has an ethereal touch
Full, but quiet... empty
Almost like a mausoleum

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Bend your ear, bend your ear!
I have three simple words for you
To hear
And I think you should consider

Love
Your
Neighbor

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Why do I feel like I'm just not
Enough?
Why do I feel like nothing I do is good enough for you?

Get out of your head!
Think about me for once!

I try so hard...
Do you even try at all?

It sure doesn't feel like it.

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My thoughts always seem to come back to you
And I think
That even if I was stranded in the desert
I'd think of you til I died
Because everything I'd see would remind me of you:
The sand dunes blowing like your hair
The sun shining as bright as your teeth

If I had dehydration
I think that maybe
Water would be the last thing on my mind
Instead i'd be dreaming of your lips
Unattainable like water
And as my body would grow weak,
And I'd fall to my knees
And as my body would die and waste away,
The wind would whistle through my bones,
And I bet if you listened closely,
You could hear your name in them

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"Dream of better days...!"

I
Shall
Dream of you,
Then.

And me.




Us.
Together.

Oh, how I wish!

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I miss you...
Sweetness itself,
Apple cheek smile,
So bright and warm.
My sun.

And now you feel cold,
Emotionless,
Taking me for granted.

I'm running on faith,
But I don't know how much I have left...

How much longer will My Love be gone?

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I think love is pink
Because what is love,
If not the rosy blush of your cheeks,
Or the way my heart beats when we hug?
Love is the color of butterflies
Flapping their wings in my stomach
And I feel
As though my blood would run
Dripping, pale pink, out of my nose
If you said you loved me back
It's funny though,
I have no need to worry
Because you're already in love

It's sad though,
Because you're not in love with me

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I just wish you were here
Because I'm drunk and longing
Longing for your body heat to warm my cold soul
Maybe you can jumpstart
My dead heart
I'm drunk
And you're my sobriety and a brighter life
I just wish you were here
So I could kiss your heart
And listen to it beat to the rhythm of my feelings
Feelings for you
That I'm scared will blaze out of control, and soon
I just wish you were here

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I went for a walk just now,
And holy  ****,
I cannot get you out of my head
I kept imagining how we'd bump together and jump apart,
Blushing furiously and mumbling half-hearted apologies
And how I'd lean over and kiss your:
Frost-kissed cheeks,
Your elegant nose,
Your long, pianist fingers
(Oh how I wish you'd play me a melody)

You'd chase away the dark and its beasts

But alas
I had nothing to comfort me,
Save some naive wishes and long-dead hopes

Maybe the dark is the truth,
And I'm meant to be alone

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I mean, sure, I'm not the best at math
And I don't always make all my shots
Sure, I forget things sometimes
(A lot)
But one thing I am good at
Is loving people who don't love me back
My life is just a
Series of Unfortunate Events
of the heart

...

I honestly don't know why I'm surprised anymore
I've given away my heart so many times
I'm surprised I still have it

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Soft, gauzy legs
Shimmery, silky material

Fingertips gliding, searching
Hoping, wanting

You.

And your beating heart next to mine.

Thud.
Thud.

I can practically feel your breaths on my
Neck.

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Rip my heart out of my chest
Grind my bones into dust
You need to stay out of my forbidden places
I can't get you out of my head

I remember when I was little,
Reading all those fairy tale love stories
All I ever wanted was a:
Happily Ever After
Knight in Shining Armor
Wedding Heard Across the Land

But instead I have this:
Poems written in my bed
Love letters left undelivered
Smoke in my lungs
Liquor in my stomach
Bile in my throat
And you are nowhere near my lips

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The kitchen light,
It glares harshly over my shoulder
And I,
I can't help

But picture
The world
In the harshest terms

What are we deserving of,
Truly?

I think...
Nothing

We are not worthy

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Stoney,
Emotionless,
Numb.

Empty,
Cold,
Hard.

Why am I feeling like this?

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I think the reason I smoke cigarettes
Is because you're so against them
And I'd rather have poison in my lungs
Than poison in my heart

Maybe if I smoke enough the smoke will drown out the toxins you left in my chest

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I've been taking in so much of you
This weekend
And, god,
I'm totally *******.

Everything you do captivates me
And I'd gladly watch you for hours

I'm so tired I can barely think
And you are all that fills my mind.

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I haven't written in here in two months
And I thought it was cause I was done
Done with love
Done with being sad
Done with drowning in my feelings
Done with floating in *****
I suppose I was wrong
Maybe I won't ever escape you
And I honestly don't know
If that's good or bad
Because on one hand,
I'll never have you
But on the other,
Every time you smile and laugh at me
My world gets brighter
It's such a sweet torture
But is it worth it?

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This is one of those nights
Where my soul cries out for someone else
Someone to hold
Someone to cry with
I just wish I had a home away from home
So I could curl up next to your heart
And listen to what it tells me,
Our legs interlocked and our hands in each others' hair
This is one of those nights.

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You left a very raw lump of anger in my chest and it's
very hard to chip it down
instead of building it
larger and larger

I'm trying to move on but it's so **** hard with no closure.

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I run my hand through my hair and pull it away
For some reason I expect to see blood?

Hemorrhaging all over,
I can't stop it.

Won't someone help me?

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I did not see you today at school
So is it such a surprise
That my day was gloomier than normal
Without your:
Greetings in gym
Smiles in the library
Laughs in the hallway
It is such a surprise that everything rings hollow,
Much likes the bones of lovers past
Eons from now
Someone will make a necklace from my bones
And I'm quite sure
That if they rattled it
They'd hear your name

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