The gradient of the sky, it
Makes my heart ache
Just the teeniest bit

White to blue.
Pure to sad.
Purely sad.

Too many of us are.

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I sometimes find myself wishing
For something along the lines of
An inoperable brain tumor
Hoping
...Wishing, almost
For a reason to live my life to the fullest
It's silly isn't it
Hoping for death so we can finally live
How we need to validate our being happy,
As  if  it  needs  a  reason
I wish I had the courage to live my life on my terms,
Without justifying my happiness to others
I wish...
I wish...
I wish.

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Leap from the forest,
Over the trees,
Faster than the wolves,
Faster than the breeze!

Run, run, fast as you can,
No one can catch me,
Nobody can!

Running towards the sun,
Like I was shot from a gun!

(I don't even know what I'm running from.)

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It smells...
Sweet and earthy.
With the water giving a hint of acidity,
And the rocks, some solidness...

This, This is a sensory experience I could devour forever.

(And the sun, it just... lightens everything up.
The
Tiniest
Bit.)

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They say you fall in love an average of eight times
Before you find one that
sticks
I'm only seventeen years old
And I'm on my way to my fifth
So my question is this
Does it count
If they never loved you back?
Or even knew?
Because,
At this rate,
I'm gonna find one that sticks
And they'll never even know
So,
If that's really true,
Then I'd like to turn off my heart,
Please.
It's really quite unhelpful
And I don't want it anymore

Please

I'm begging you

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Scrubbing your locker combo
From my
Skin
Don't want to
Remember you, nope
I didn't want it to end like
This
But I knew it would

Me, walking away with a chunk torn from my soul,
And you, sobbing while your heart breaks
As you desperately
Try to stop me from leaving
But you're so young
And since I'm the older one
I suppose that
I have to do the best thing for us

I'm so sorry
I never wanted to break your heart.

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I want a love that explodes like a supernova
I want a love that leaves me breathless
A love that involves oversized shirts and shots,
Low giggles and breathy moans in the morning,
One where we wear each other's coats and hats,
Laughing at stupid jokes

I want a love that lasts forever

I want a love that makes me speechless

One that involves stupid notes, home-cooked meals,
Camping together,
Laying in hammocks...

I want a love so fiery hot it could out-burn the Sun and cure frostbite
I want a love

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I love the way your nose turns up
And the way you do your hair
I love the way you walk to class
And everything you wear
But what I love most of all is how you smile
Whether it's from a joke or playing ball
It lights up my world
And if I could I'd call
You every night before bed
And we could talk about it all:
Why you never go to school on the bus,
Why you always trip on your feet and fall,
Fall,
Falling,
Falling for you is what I'm doing
And I sadly have no control over it
I wish I did though,
Because I know how it will end
Me, sad and alone,
Stitching my heart back together,
And you,
Blissfully unaware of your impact on my mind

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I'm sure that nothing will come of it
(That seems to be a regular thing)
But I'm quite happy
To just bask in these feelings for a while
And see where they lead me
Who knows,
I might get lucky
And maybe get to have you for once

One can only hope

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You make me think of flowers and trees

And If
You ever touched my skin
Trees would shoot up

Because you are Mother Nature and
I've never -
I've never met someone so earthy and free,
Someone so wildly reserved
A mess of contradictions, all at once

You light up like the three thirty AM
Sun lights up the water

And your eyes are so blue they might
as well
Have
Clouds in  them
But you are too bright and yellow for that

Can we live in the forest together, dear?
I think we'd be right at home

(Or at least I would)

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Your face,
More gentle than how the trees touch the water
How you move,
More graceful than the dance of branches in the wind
Your laugh,
Bubbling forth more peacefully than a stream

Nature is so beautiful
And it has captured my heart
But you just about

Have it beat

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I never thought that being happy meant I'd have to be so
****
Miserable

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Quilt on the laundry lines,
Sheets and blankets too
Running through it all,
Playing games,
Racing...

Oh the magic!
Laundry lines make a mystical land!

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Eyes like flowers,
Peeking through the empty holes of your eye sockets

Remind me again,
Who said death was ugly?

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Letting go
It hurts
It hurts more than anything I've ever done
But there are some things that I just
Cannot fix,
No matter how much I might want to

I was pouring so much of myself into you,
Trying to fill you up
But you were a bucket
Not a bucket that had a hole,
No
But a bucket without a bottom.
And there would just never be enough of me to fill you.
The world would flood before I could fix you

I'm sorry
But I can't be the only one fixing you
You have to fix you, too.

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I can't sleep
Because once again,
You are on my mind,
Invading every corner and space
I just can't get a moment to myself,
Can I?

Can I?

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You make flowers grow in my chest
Where once there was just heaviness

And you make the sun shine out of my eyes
Where once there were only clouds

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You walk with Strength,
And the sun shining out of your eyes
If only we could all be that
Sure

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In the early morning sun,
With cigarette smoke falling from my lips,
I wish you were here.

And I know you wouldn't approve of what goes on here,
But I wish you were here.

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The fog,
It hangs low over the forest,
Shrouding all in mystery and whiteness
I keep expecting to see:
A panther, stalking prey
Slenderman, tentacles whipping

Who knows what mysteries abound in these shrouded woods?
All I know is that I am glad
That I am on my bus,
Safe
And sound

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A pastel colored sky,
Rising up and painting the frost on my windows
A gentle kiss of color;
It's too early yet for the striking reds and oranges of the sun
And so we only have pink,
Pink and light, light blue

A gentleness fills my soul at the sight
The clouds are so soft I could almost -touch- them

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I bow my head
The cold water hits the back of my skull

I gasp in a breath and feel the air sticking to my lungs

I look in the mirror
Two hollow cheekbones and high, cutting cheekbones

I can see my ribs.
Standing in a growing puddle,
I'm draining.

Soon I'll be empty

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I graduate high school in four days, and
There's so much I haven't done or said
And I wonder
Is it because I never got the chance?
Or did I just miss it because I was waiting for the "perfect time"?

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The setting sun strikes the snow, and I
Can only take in the golden light
I imagine the trees dripped in honey,
Effervescent against the sky

Even the wind takes on a sweeter tone,
Sidling past the empty branches.

But not empty for much longer

Honey kisses the tree buds,
Drawing life and love and beauty

Soon we will all be singing.

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A light on the horizon,
Amongst so many others

But this one is brighter,
Different

She beckons me forward,
And I cannot resist

Will she burn me,
Or keep me warm?

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You look like the most beautiful painting I could never make,
Like the best poem I could never write,
And you look so perfect that it just steals all my words and I am left
Speechless
Because how could I ever hope to be worthy enough to have someone like you?
If I'm a candle, you're a star
If I'm a rainstorm, you're a tsunami
And I'm a tree, you're the whole ******* forest.

I think the saddest thing is that you don't
even know
How utterly breathtaking you are,
How perfect you are to me
If you saw yourself the way I saw you,
You'd glitter brighter than the frost on my windows
In the morning sun

I haven't fallen this hard for someone in so long.

It *****, because you'll never know.

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As I brushed the snow off our car,
Like peeling a blanket back from a sleeping world,
I wondered
Aren't we still supposed to be asleep?
Mother Nature still has not woken
Should we not follow her lead
And keep our heads under pillows of snow
Until the Sun shakes us from our slumber?

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I miss your face
Your myriad of freckles
Dusting your nose and cheeks and lips
I miss how your face lights up when you laugh,
Impossibly happy
I miss the sparkle in your eyes,
Your smug grin
I get these glances,
These quick snippets,
But nobody knows how much I'd give to
Study your face in depth again
I miss your astounding beauty and all the little details that make you so
Breathtaking
I just miss you
A lot
Even though you're a ****** ******* person

I just don't understand how someone so
Heavenly Beautiful
Can be so judgmental and hurtful,
Lashing out like a cornered animal
I miss you, but ******* I hate how mean you were to me
And all I did was try to be happy,
And be myself

I'm so, so sorry that offended you so

I just want you to forgive me

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No words
Only pictures

I don't really know
What I could say that
Would even compare
To the beauty
Of the sunset before me

(This happens more than you'd think)

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I mean, sure, I don't always remember chores or do my homework,
But you can't say I don't remember the important things,
Like how you like your coffee scalding,
Or that you prefer the window seat on the bus,
And how you love bright colors, all of them,
Except pink

So yeah, I may be forgetful,
But I sure as hell remember the important stuff
And that's what counts, isn't it?

Even if I'll never have to use that knowledge,
It's still good to know that I could treat you right if I had the chance

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Some people go to church
I go to Tettegouche

With the trees as my church,
Rocks, my pews,
And the multitude of stars as my altar,
I prostrate myself on the mossy ground
Praying to the wind
To please, Keep Me Whole
And as I sit and gape,
Gape up at the stars,
Crack-
Something in me twists,
And I feel the emptiness
Pouring out of me,
Only to be replaced by What will Be
And I Know
I am here
I am whole
And life has Never Been So Good

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I think the reason I like using pens
Is that
They offer a sense of finality
And it's harder to change what I said

And if I make a mistake,
Well,
That's fine by me
I'm not ashamed of my mistakes
I won't hide them
I am out there for the world to see,
Mistakes and all

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I mean, sure, it's a lot of work sometimes
And sure, things don't always go my way
But,
You know what?
It's so worth it

I very nearly died
I was so close to ripping myself from this world
I wanted to, I truly did

But I didn't
I held on
For dear
*******
Life
And Look Where I Am today
I've come so far
I've done so much
I put so much of myself into every  single  day
It's worth it

It truly is

Because Why do we live,
If not to watch the sunset?
Why are we here,
If it's not to feel yourself falling,
Falling in love?

We're meant to be happy, I promise
Just trust and love and you'll be ok

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The water swirls and whirls,
With calm spots scattered amongst the rushing rest.

Such is life.

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"Are you in love?"

...

As if feelings can be quantified, measured with time.
Am I following your Timeline of love?

I should hope not.

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See the secret to expectations
Is to not have any
That way,
You'll either be pleasantly surprised
Or...
Nothing.
You expected nothing,
You got nothing,
You got what you expected

I need to work on that, still
...
Not getting my hopes up
I need to learn that hopes and expectations are the same thing

Happy ******* birthday to me.

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I look at you and all I can think is
I am going to break your heart

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A cool walk in the fading sun,
nothing but the
Scratch of my boots on the ice

Life can be so
...Solitarily uncomplicated

I wish it was like that more

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The karsts poke up through the trees
They are great giants, holding up the sky.

Mysteries, all of them.

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You have the
Most angelic touch I've ever known
I can only imagine
Your feather-light kisses
Trailing down my neck
And your fingertips
Tracing,
Tracing,
Their way down my stomach

However, unlike angels,
You are real

(I almost can't believe you are)

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I think you must have
Painted yourself
On the inside of my
Eyelids
Because when
I close my
Eyes, eyes, eyes
You're all that
I can see
And how can I
Ever hope
To escape
You
When you're stuck
In my brain
Latched,
Latched on,
Like a magnet
You've pinned me
Down
And I can't get
Away
From you
So, please,
Either set me
Free, or just
**** me
I can't take
Anymore of this

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With branches overhanging me,
I feel cocooned in Mother Nature.

With stone beneath me,
My base and stance are strong.

And with the karsts before me,
I know I have so much to learn.

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Blind faces stare at me
They say these things,
Little whispers from around the corner

I feel a million little ****** on my skin.

Everything and nothing all at once.

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How can you long for something
That wasn't,
That isn't,
That won't be?

I create so much in my head that I trick myself into thinking it's real

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Have you ever had an idea
Where it sits
And sits
And sits
In your bones, marinating for so long,
That if somebody snapped your bones and ****** out all the marrow
They would most likely absorb the essence of your being, as well as that idea
That idea, which was so strong as to tattoo itself onto your support structure
Would now be in them

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I was
So very sad
For so many years

And thinking back to then,
When I had a blanket of sadness over my
Life
I've-
I've come so far and done so much
And
I'm just,
I'm proud of myself for hanging on when-
When I truly didn't want to.

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Your lips look so inviting
More than a tall glass of lemonade,
More than a cold shower after a run,
More than a pile of leaves in the fall

How I wish I could just
Dive right in!

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I guess
I can take solace in the fact that
Nobody else can *******
Like I can

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I can only imagine
Your lips on mine,
Magic sparking on our tongues,
Heat flying from my body,
Getting closer than close

Two souls,
Coming together again.

One can only dream.

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To me, it seems,
The loveliest people
Always wear sadness the best
They've been through the worst of it
So even if they can't fix themselves
They can at least stop you from breaking

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