And on these long, cold nights I wonder...
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you think of me like I think of you?

It's hard to get lost in life
When someone who made me feel so much
Is no longer in mine

There is but a dull, cold ache
And I'm afraid it's slowly spreading.
When will Spring come?
It's been a long winter

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Sick with longing,
I waste away into nothing

The earth takes me back
And I am flowers again

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How can I get away from you
When you are stickied on every memory
And thought
That I have?

I wish so dearly to forget
But you are seared into my
Brain
And are not easily scrubbed away

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How can you long for something
That wasn't,
That isn't,
That won't be?

I create so much in my head that I trick myself into thinking it's real

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A light on the horizon,
Amongst so many others

But this one is brighter,
Different

She beckons me forward,
And I cannot resist

Will she burn me,
Or keep me warm?

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I bow my head
The cold water hits the back of my skull

I gasp in a breath and feel the air sticking to my lungs

I look in the mirror
Two hollow cheekbones and high, cutting cheekbones

I can see my ribs.
Standing in a growing puddle,
I'm draining.

Soon I'll be empty

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I stumble and
Catch myself

Did I do it again?
Ex-cuse
Me

That’s not correct

It’s not all me

It takes two to tango

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You love pain
You don't love me

I hope that one day
With the passing of the clouds overhead
Your darkness passes you

And you can sit in the sun,
Well and truly

And not want to hide

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Bap. Bap. Bap. Bap.
The muskrat's tail slaps a beat on the water,
While the birds add a chorus.
Blue clouds reflect off the dancing water;
a disco ball

Shhhhh.
You'll miss it!

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As I walk into my future,
I feel strangely alone
You, so far from my spot in life
And you, falling ever far behind

Am I going to reach land alone?
How can I get there by myself?

Why can’t someone else save me for once?

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Car crash social life
No fire extinguisher
And now we're all dead

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We are two diametric ellipses,
Coming close,
To be flung far and wide apart,
But always returning back to each other

(At least in some form)

But I don't like this distance.

How can I move heaven and cosmos to stay in your orbit, and you mine?

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Liquid mercury sits in my heart
I think
What other explanation could there be

For the constant weight in my chest,
Never gone

Or the slow poisoning of what I know to be true

I’ve begged for a reason,
An explanation
So many times

But my eyes are dim with misunderstanding
And I am no closer to the truth.

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I always find myself reaching, but
Despite my large frame I can never clear the gap

Gnarled knuckles, groping
But not blindly.
I know desperately what I want

If you could see how I felt
I would cut a most unusual figure,
Back bent and twisted as I limp on,
Hands shaking
As I struggle to carry this great weight.

But there is no rest for me

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Bend your ear, bend your ear!
I have three simple words for you
To hear
And I think you should consider

Love
Your
Neighbor

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The harsh edges of the wood dig into my shoulders;
Tired again

I have walked for so many miles,
And yet

The sun's glare has never changed,
Burning and unyielding

May I walk at night?
May I share this burden?
Or must I walk on,
Red-hot

From the outside out

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I pull my heart from my chest,
And consider it with a critical eye

"You know,
You've gotten me into a lot of trouble,"
I remark
(As if that'll do much)

But I get no response

And as I return it,
I know I can't ask it to change.
Some part of me must stay un-varnished to the world.

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You hold needles,
Tiny sharp skewers
Pick pick picking away

A thousand lances over time
**** the strongest of animals

And you just won’t back down.

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Ah -
I wish you could see these stars,
Twinkling so sweetly in the night overhead

And the frogs, they
Be little,
But their chorus makes up for it

Synergy

Maybe the music is reflecting off the sky,
A magnifying glass for the light of the night

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Could we walk down the beach?
I would
Take in the air,
Smiling so sweetly at you

And you would make me laugh,
Stopping every few steps to gather myself

Step closer and hold me, won't you?
The breeze cuts close
And your love is the only warmth I need

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My love,
Were you ever really mine?

You shield away so many times I wasn’t
Sure
I cried so many times and you didn’t
Care

I force these words onto paper,
I know you don’t want them

And I angrily gather my things,
Once again
Disappointed.

Here I stand, with my heart in my hands,
And nothing
To show for it all

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There is sadness in me
It's in my bones, no
It does not cling to them
It's who I am

Always at the root.
Sadness.

Why is it like this?

I just want to be achingly happy, every cell of mine

Screaming, "I'VE DONE THE WORK, NOW LET ME PLAY"

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Wide awake, dreaming
Hoping for something that will never be

My dreams always escape me,
One way or the other
And I continue to adapt

But I'm tired
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?
Why can't they be real yet?

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I refuse to keep my feelings down anymore,
Pushing them under like a hated enemy I want to drown

I will let them free,
A beautiful mountain spring bubbling forth
My tears and anguish will be seen,
Even if, like a far-hidden forest,
It is acknowledged by no one.
That does not change the beating of my heart
Or the breath of my lungs

And I will not silence myself,
Torturing my heart with this burden
This burden that I should not have to carry
Like so many rocks upon my shoulders

They are heavy.
And I am tired.
And I will not bear this burden anymore.

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Skipping rocks across the water,
Trying to hit paper targets on the other side.

What a waste of time.

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Regretful tongues
Can’t take
Anything back

Regret now,
Guilt later,
And tomorrow?
Then comes the pain

Pinpricks inside my ribs
A slow squeezing of my chest cavity
My heart closes

No more for me, thank you!

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As the lonely hours go past,
I idly sit and think of you

Sweetest wine of the rarest kind,
A rapturous note in a melody

And me,
Only too happy to take it all in

Just one more glass.
Just one more song.

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I sit here an torture myself,
Running in circles but thinking I'm moving forward.

Will I ever learn?
Why am I like this?
What's the point of it all?

To be happy, I guess...
So why do I do this to myself?

Why can't it be easy?

Too many questions,
Not enough answers.

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Would you have me twist myself more?
How must I
Think to be

I thought this life was mine,
And yet

They ask me to be beholden

I can't be who you want,
Nice and polite and quiet

And since we can't keep to ourselves,
I might as well let you down easy

You can go **** yourself

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I find
That I hold myself back, you see
I could wish upon a star
And I could hold my breath tight
But you still wouldn't love me back

I feel my eyes becoming darker
Little rings,
On the outer edge,
Floating like a halo
One of the darkest kind

Can you see the fatigue?
My heart can only ache so much.

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The tremors are constant,
Whether I shake or not.

My heart undulates its rhythm,
A constant alert system turning on and off.

I feel my hackles raise,
Searching for a fight.

But there's nothing.

It's just me

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Fumbling in the darkness
It seems I cannot find my footing
Will you not give me a light?
Do you not care?

I must be listening to promises again
And not listening to the reality around me

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If I could sit here and spin my words
Into anything of substance,
I would put into effect the
Most Beautiful
symphony of words
The world had ever seen, and the
Light in it would be known far and wide

But here I lay,
Completely unmagnificent
In my drawers.

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The setting sun strikes the snow, and I
Can only take in the golden light
I imagine the trees dripped in honey,
Effervescent against the sky

Even the wind takes on a sweeter tone,
Sidling past the empty branches.

But not empty for much longer

Honey kisses the tree buds,
Drawing life and love and beauty

Soon we will all be singing.

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Windswept snow on barren plains,
Nothing lives here.

A mess of concrete and dirt, poorly-kept grass and weeds.

But my eyes alight on a snow crystal;
Perfect and frozen in time.

I should take notes.

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Snowcat tracks,
Quietly lead into nothing

A mountain shadow,
Quickly here and gone

How much have those eyes seen?
What do you know? Peace?

"Ah!
How I wish to be independent, live alone, and not grieve for anyone."

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Tigers screaming from the pavements,
Nothing ever stays in line

Why do I have them to begin with?
They make me sick

Just bars in a cage I throw myself at I guess,
Too self-aware for its own good.

Can I let myself breathe?

Please?

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You draw past me, stopping my breath in my chest.

I feel the quakes as you float closer,
Every cell in my body drifting towards you and
Sinking
At the same time.

I want to grab your wrist
But where do I begin?
I don't even know who I am anymore.

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The sweet smell of the grass and rain,
The chorus of birds, rain and music,
It all mixes into a joyous dish of life

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The smooth, strong lines of your body
Flow much like a river does,
Clean and soft on the edges

Oh, to be wrapped up in your current!

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Beauty in pain,
Pain in beauty.

No.
I reject that.

Beauty in love,
In happiness and full hearts.

Pain is cold and dark and ugly.

Why do we glorify its dungeon?

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I breathe out heavy air,
Chest heaving every time.

Feeling my ribs turning to wood is
Interesting

Water keeps breaching,
And it's just a lot.

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Wishing I could reach out and touch you,
To see those freckles again

I sit here in the hollowness of my mind and body
My heart is a spastic amoeba, trying to contain itself and explode all at once

Can you see the light piercing my back?
Turned into a monster from these beautiful feelings

Do I let you know?
Do you want to know?

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As August fades,
So do does my nail polish,
And my memories along with it.

I hope you will stay in my heart.
But like my nail polish,
You seem determined to fade away.

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I would live the nights since then
A hundred times over
If only I could feel your arms around me one last time,
And taste your lips,
Even through our bitter tears.

But then again,
"One last time"
Has an air of finality about it
That I do not like

I hope our orbits cross again
And if they do,
I hope it's with an air of
Finality.

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Rose tips peeking forward into the light,
Pressing firmly on

"We know not what lies ahead, but to be afraid of the sun is to be afraid of life"

To blindly reach on faith
Takes a great amount of courage.

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"I'm not gonna change for anyone"

I'm not asking you to reassemble yourself to my heart's content,
A bunch of puzzle pieces to arrange and rearrange

I never wanted you to bend and twist into a desirable configuration for me,
Or to stuff yourself into any sort of box that I fancy.

I just wanted you to try.

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Talking to and thinking about a ghost, even though you're still here

For now

I can track the distance between us like two worn tires,
But it's still not enough

You are yet beyond me

Come back to me, please?
The distance may be great, but
I'm not done riding yet
And you still have so far to go

But I will meet you where you need.

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I long for the comfort of your presence,
With your arm around my shoulder and your hand in mine

I would have you kiss me sweetly on the cheek,
Feeling the warmth spread from there

To look into your eyes again,
To see the well of pain and hope and fight,
To know that my kisses bring you comfort.

What I wouldn't do to have that again

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The air in me keeps changing
Floating
Me around
until I find myself
and land
back down on the ground.

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