A nervous energy fills my body
Anticipating, perhaps,
What I'll have to do in short time,
Dodging, flying,
Flinging, kicking,
Myself all over the field
I've done this many times before,
With the sleepy morning sun in my eyes,
Or warming my back with its rays,
In a quiet moment,
I can see the dust motes floating through the air
They give the game,
Almost,
An ethereal quality
As if the shouting and noises
Are nothing more than ghosts from games past,
And us, the players,
Are simply floating along in teh ether,
Looking for something

Regardless,
The game is coming,
And I,
I am ready

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I never thought that being happy meant I'd have to be so
****
Miserable

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Just once
I wish I could fall in love with
Myself

Too much time I'd spend mooning over
Myself
Wistful sighs,
Heavy staring,
Heavier heart

I just want to know how I'd look
If I fell for
Myself

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My own self-censors
Are the harshest gates I know
Nothing goes past without approval
And the things that are and aren’t permitted
Have been beaten into my brain
By the world
And then by me

So it’s no wonder
That sometimes
Nothing flows forth.

Dam.

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The reason I don't talk much about you
Is that you make my heart glow so much I'm afraid to open my mouth
And let it spill out,
Spelling out my true feelings
Maybe I should learn sign language
That way nobody will know
And we can all continue on our way,
You, oblivious,
And me, burning brighter with every passing day

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It has been more than a year
More than a year since I fell for you

And it has been almost a year
Almost a year that I stopped falling

Months have passed since I last dreamt
Dreaming of your lips on mine

But a part of me still loves you
A part that will never go away

And you may not have been my first
And you won't be my only
But you will always be my love

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I know a lot of words
24,500, approximately
(I took a test)
And what the test said was this:
"Only say yes
To a word
If you know the definition"
And, well,
I,
I know a lot of words, truly,
I do.
But...
Not a lot of definitions
Words are feelings for me,
Movements, gestures, sounds, colors,
Nerve endings firing, muscles tightening,
Pictures.

I don't know definitions of words
I just feel them in my gut
Maybe that's why I write so bad
I feel, I don't
Think

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The sun beats down on the new leaves
The leaves,
They are:
Fresh,
Tiny,
Fragile,
And so green my eyes hurt to look at them
The world is exploding
Exploding with new life
And, here, witnessing it all,
Stand I,
A mere pawn in this game


The sky, bluer than the sea
The trees, greener than a jealous man,
The sun, brighter than the twinkle in your eyes
I can do nothing except sit here and witness it
And I couldn't care less

If this is all there was to life,
I would be quite content

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The number of time I have ripped my soul apart over what could have been
Is higher than I can count
But is it really my fault
That the gods themselves
Have seen fit to manifest in you?

I would rather look upon your face
Than ever see the sun again

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"Perfect endings are best left to books and ballads anyways"

While I'd much like a perfect ending for you and I
I'd happily settle for a mediocre one,
Or even
one at all

I want you
In whatever way I can
Honestly,
I'm desperate
I'm an emaciated hound,
Begging for scraps at your table
But all I've gotten
Is a kick,
Leaving me hurt and more hungry than ever

I always seem to be starving,
You know
I wonder what it's be like to feel full

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The silent function
Of a messed-up worker woman
Is god's one secret

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One more night without you by my side
One more night in a cold, cold bed


I just want to curl up in your heart
And sleep the day away

I can just imagine the scent of your skin
And the heat of your neck


Soft whispers into your collarbones,
And softer touches on your ribs

A heady scent surrounding me:
You, you, only you



Just one night is all I ask.

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I can feel myself slipping back into apathy
It's... interesting, to say the least,
Wondering how many times I can slip into apathy
And back out before I'm stuck
I wonder if this is nearing the point of no return
Half of me hopes not...
But the other half,
It simply
Doesn't
Care.

At least not anymore

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Little bits of my heart
Still belong to you
And I've never felt more betrayed
Than when my heart yearned for you today

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When I was little,
When my dad would tuck me in,
He'd say,
"Good night, sweet dreams, see you in the morning"
And I'd say it back

Recently I've been thinking
And what I've realized is
The only sweet dreams I'll be having
Will be about
You

Every night before I go to bed
I hope you visit me in my sleep
I think you could turn my worst nightmares
Into my best dreams

One can only hope.

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I'm taking your advice to see if it'll make me less sad

I just think it's really ironic that the reason I'm so sad is

You.

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Music going,
Sun in my hair,
Drink in one hand,
Pen in the other.

What more could a girl
Ask for?

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I just
Want to be
Yours
Only yours

I don't think my soul has ever
Craved something so
Much, because I just
Can't get my mind off
You and honestly, I
Love it, it's great but I
Just wish it was
Real and not all in my drug-addled
Mind.

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On July 22nd, I wrote:
"And I know I won't get any gifts
But it sure would be nice
To have you on my birthday"

Silly, stupid girl
Don't you know
Wishes don't come true
And least they don't for you

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A resting house, it
Has an ethereal touch
Full, but quiet... empty
Almost like a mausoleum

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I was
So very sad
For so many years

And thinking back to then,
When I had a blanket of sadness over my
Life
I've-
I've come so far and done so much
And
I'm just,
I'm proud of myself for hanging on when-
When I truly didn't want to.

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I'm up much too late
And I think I tore my heart a bit

It's nice, though
The fuzziness that comes with it
Almost like I'm drunk
If I'm lucky,
Maybe I'll forget you

But your touches are like burns on my flesh,
And I cannot scrub them off,
No matter how hard I try

I either need stronger soap or stronger liquor
And I don't know which.

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The empty hum of
The room in which I reside
Fills my soul with peace

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The darkness seeps in
Enveloping me in black
I am so alone

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"It is also hard to write about a city we just moved to; it's not yet in our body"
This is because
Memories are stored in our body and tissues
This city hasn't hurt you yet
It knows you not

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Stoney,
Emotionless,
Numb.

Empty,
Cold,
Hard.

Why am I feeling like this?

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When I write
It's almost as if
I'm planting a garden
With mystery seeds
I have
No
Idea what I'll end up with

I start with a good first sentence
A seed, if you will
And I water it, nurture it,
Letting the words take me where they like

It doesn't always work
Sometimes I fizzle out and am left with a dead plant, brown and ugly
But
Other times,
I'm witness to a towering flower,
Bursting with color and life,
Details abounding

I am a simple garden writer,
Planting the words
With my ***** of a pen

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I mean, sure, I'm not the best at math
And I don't always make all my shots
Sure, I forget things sometimes
(A lot)
But one thing I am good at
Is loving people who don't love me back
My life is just a
Series of Unfortunate Events
of the heart

...

I honestly don't know why I'm surprised anymore
I've given away my heart so many times
I'm surprised I still have it

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The snow brings with it
A silence not heard in
Ages

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I find remnants of you everywhere I go,
Flashes of your eyes in the sky blue water,
Flashes of your hair in the sweet yellow grass...

There is no peace for me,
Here or anywhere.

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Sometimes when I see you I can't even breathe
And I don't mean figuratively
Sometimes when I see you turn a corner it's like someone walked up to me and punched me in the gut and I just
Can't.
Breathe.
And sometimes when I see you I trip

I swear
You are a goddess
And I am not worthy

I have dreams about you, you know
Your eyes, your neck, your hands, all fluttering
Like a butterfly on the wind,
Flapping its wings to the beat of my heart

Delicate
But so angry that I'm scared
I don't know how to handle you
I'm sorry

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You were
Right.

You are selfish.
Keeping my heart when yours was already gone from my
Grasp
Without me even knowing.

Letting my try to keep you,
Not even knowing it was
Too late.

Because you were already
Gone.

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A cloudy day, it seems
As though nothing in the world exists
Besides me, comfortable in my house
A sense of almost loneliness. but not
Quite

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Creaky
Old
House

Needs grease in its joints

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Flowering buds
New life
Fresh scents
High heights
Good taste
Better smell
Happy here
Not in hell

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This is one of those nights
Where my soul cries out for someone else
Someone to hold
Someone to cry with
I just wish I had a home away from home
So I could curl up next to your heart
And listen to what it tells me,
Our legs interlocked and our hands in each others' hair
This is one of those nights.

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Leap from the forest,
Over the trees,
Faster than the wolves,
Faster than the breeze!

Run, run, fast as you can,
No one can catch me,
Nobody can!

Running towards the sun,
Like I was shot from a gun!

(I don't even know what I'm running from.)

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The pounding of my heartbeat in my ears
It throbs like the beat of a song
Slow, slow,
Then fast,
So fast I couldn't dance to it even if I tried,
So fast I think my hear will explode
If I'm not careful
And as we all know,
One has to be careful with one's heart
Considering it runs our entire being,
One would think they wouldn't be so..
Fragile
Fragile as a newborn baby's skull,
Fragile like the glass in a china cabinet

That's life, though
Fragile, but beautiful
Maybe that's what makes it so pretty
The notion that,
At any moment,
It could all come crashing Down,
Crumbling like bones in the wind

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I don't want this to be over.
Please tell me this isn't over.

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Maybe if I listen to enough music the
Sadness
Will go away

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My focus has never been the best,
but
You've just shot it all to ****
How can I write an essay
When
You are three feet away from my lips
(It might as well be an eternity away)

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I say your name like it's a *******
Prayer and I'm drowning and it's the Only thing that might save me

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I have sutures up and down my body, inside and out
They're keeping me together while I heal
But they've been there a while
And I just want to know
How long will it take to heal?
I'm itching to be free of my confines
And live my life,
Without being afraid I'll rip open old wounds
And watch my happiness drain out of me

...Hopefully sooner rather than later

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With these words in my throat
And a pen in my hand
There's not much else to do,
Except
To spill it all out on here,
Hoping,
Wishing,
Wanting, dare I say,
To gain some semblance of understanding
Of myself

How ridiculous is it,
That I can't even figure myself out in my own head?
Maybe it's because there's too many thoughts flying around,
Pinging around my skull,
Clouding my thoughts

So the only way to understand it all,
Is to throw some of my **** on these pages
And hope some of it sticks

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Dear Creator,
I thank you for this day
I thank you for the ones behind me,
And the ones before me
I thank you for the opportunities you have given me,
The ones you are giving me,
And the ones you will give me
I know what's behind me,
But I haven't the slightest clue what's in front
I can only hope you'll be there with me,
Taking in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

As it should be.

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Y do u h8 me
Did u ever like me to begin w/?
Where did i go wrong
Do u think i deserve this

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Without you I am lonely

My insides sit heavy in me
And I cannot bring myself to be happy.

How can I be happy when you are so many
Miles
From my heart?

And how can I be joyful when there is no laugh like yours to rebound in the corners of my tragically empty skull?

I turn into a bit of a husk with you, you see.

I need your love to fill me up.

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I can only imagine
Your lips on mine,
Magic sparking on our tongues,
Heat flying from my body,
Getting closer than close

Two souls,
Coming together again.

One can only dream.

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Where does the darkness go when it leaves us?
Does it stick in the walls, for another family to have, years or decades down the line?
Do we compress it and hide it deep down inside us?
Or do we transfer it to other people,
Hoping they can make the best of the worst of us?

Because if so,
Then I'm sorry
I didn't mean to




I think I apologize too much

...Sorry                                                                (****)

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With branches overhanging me,
I feel cocooned in Mother Nature.

With stone beneath me,
My base and stance are strong.

And with the karsts before me,
I know I have so much to learn.

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