It settles on my shoulders,
A heavy cloak.

A low sigh, then
A quiet acceptance of this burden again.

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I have written five poems
For you, about you, to you
But not with you

And I know I won't get any gifts
But it sure would be nice
To have you on my birthday

And I know you don't know this
But I am in love with you
To have you return it would be the best

Gift?
Blessing?
Curse?

That would ever be

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I can smell the blown out candles
It smells like
Sadness
Wax
And a little bit of bitterness
All rolled up into passionate flames
Sadly snuffed out
Much like my heart
This is confusing and none of it makes sense
But ******,
It's how I feel

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Biting breezes,
Running red squirrels,
And
A hammock,
Gently swaying in the air currents.

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As the bees seemingly swim through the heavy, humid air,
I dip my feet in the water and watch
The lilies floating on the surface,
Providing shade to the fish below,
And a perch to the frogs above

The clouds drift through the sky,
Shape-shifting to whatever my heart wants to see

And what I see is this:
Love hanging in with the campfire smoke
Roses, fully bloomed,
Sharp little cracks of scent,
Pushing aside the humidity, even if only for a
Moment

Fish darting through the lake's rocks,
Nervously swimming,
Gaping, gasping,
Eating Mayflies

Life is just bursting all around me,
And nature is truly in the throes of youthful energy,
As I sit here,
Transfixed and energized by the power of life.

I can practically feel the summer's heat in my veins.

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It just occurred to me that
I can find bonds with other people
That I thought I never could.

Which means I can and will get over you.

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"Lonely"
The word sits there,
Mocking me.
How can I protest and say I am not, when
Your heartbeat is the Only thing I want to hear
And your sweet, soft, heady scent is all I want to breathe

I'd choose your arms over a bed any day.

Too bad I'm stuck with what I have.

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I keep feeling myself rise these levels so fast,
Just pushing myself to be better all the time,
The sheer willpower I have now,
To get **** done.

I love the pure selfishness and and selflessness,
Simultaneously,
Me improving just to be superior,
But also
Me improving to help other people.

I am a mismatch of a bunch of things.

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All I can dream of is you
All I can think about...
You

All I wish
Is to see you again

Even One Last Time.

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You are the most nonthreatening person I know

And I'm so
*******
Jealous

Because I hate
That when I move too fast,
My friends flinch

I hate
That when I get excited and loud,
My friends get mad and tell me to stop shouting,
As if I have no right to be excited, happy

As if I can just fold in on myself,
Be smaller

I'm too hard and big and strong to be viewed as
Gentle
And I hate that I'm not viewed as
Kind

I wish my lines were softer, like yours

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I think everything would be better with you
If I missed the bus, I could crawl into your arms
While I wait for everyone to wake up,
We could think and talk and eat
I could make you soup and tea while you put your head on my shoulder

However,
You are conspicuously gone,
And this soup tastes of longing and bitterness

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The girl with the wooden heart
Ka-thunk, ka-thunk
Living, growing, breathing, beautiful,
Wood.

And then it petrified, fossilized,
Became stone.

Because some pain just stops you
Dead.
And you can't move past it.

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There is sadness locked away in me
That only you can release

Please,
Give me that healing touch.

My soul's been dimming lately,
My love.

Can you brighten my day a little?

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I'm falling asleep
Passing into the blackness
I want to never return

But going in, it
Re-energizes me
And I come out,
Wanting never to
Leave the light again.

I am so...
Wishy-washy.

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Lately,
My hands seem to always be cold
And I don't know if it's just because it's winter
Or if my heart is starting to shut down from everything it's been through
Maybe I'm just looking for someone,
You, perhaps
To come along and cup them in yours
And maybe we can stay that way for a while

I mean,
Only if you want to
I'm sure I can find mittens

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My
Forehead is on fire, dear
Though I have not a fever
My brain is just hot with images of you, dear
And I know not where to start
From your smiley eyes
To your nonexistant lies
You're perfect -
Just for me

And what I wouldn't give, dear
For a chance to belong to
You

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I think the reason I smoke cigarettes
Is because you're so against them
And I'd rather have poison in my lungs
Than poison in my heart

Maybe if I smoke enough the smoke will drown out the toxins you left in my chest

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The soothing wave-like rhythm of the beat
Washes over me,
Syncing with the air particles from the fan,
Fitting me into the universe once more.

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Lately, it seems,
Unfinished poems are my thing
I wonder if this has anything to do with you
And how you left me,
Gaping,
Searching for an answer,
But none to be found.
What happened to my feelings?
More importantly, what happened to yours?
they seem to be gone with the wind
Fickle and ephemeral,
Nobody knows what happened with them.

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I'm just a stupid, silly girl
Who doesn't know how or when
To keep her feelings in check

My smile is so fragile
I'm surprised I haven't shattered my teeth yet
With how much I clench my jaw

And my back, oh,
How it aches
From picking others up all the time,
But,
Never being offered the courtesy back
(Maybe that's what happens when you're six foot one and 175 pounds)

Maybe I should've been a short girl
Sometimes I think people forget I'm
A Real Person
And that I have feelings and thoughts too
I don't just play basketball and fix others

I think I'm just in need of someone
Who will actually see me
And return my love
And know that I'm more than how I look and say I am

I'm just tired, you know?
And my back hurts.

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I think there must be a waterfall in my chest
Because whenever I even think of you
I can just hear my feelings pouring forth,
Gushing,
Flooding my heart
With pure devotion

It honestly terrifies me
How much you mean to me

I'm slowly drowning in these feelings
And it's getting hard to breathe
But you probably don't even care
You're above feelings,
I bet

Especially about me

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Sometimes I feel
As if I'm drowning
Drowning in my feelings for you
And I seem to have forgotten how to swim
And I have no life jacket
So it's up to me
To paddle my way through this ****
But god, do I wish I had help

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It smells...
Sweet and earthy.
With the water giving a hint of acidity,
And the rocks, some solidness...

This, This is a sensory experience I could devour forever.

(And the sun, it just... lightens everything up.
The
Tiniest
Bit.)

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It's one AM
And I can't stop thinking
About how much warmer my bed would be
If you were in it with me

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My mind, it wanders
And I,
I don't really control it,
But it just sort of -
tip-top-tips
Away
Into the darkness that, sadly, is my brain
And I,
I haven't quite mastered the art of
Bringing It Back
And I surely don't have a leash for it
So I just let it wander
And do what it wants
Because,
Really,
Who am I to deny my thoughts the Simple Pleasure
Of wandering freely
I've never been so fortunate, myself

The mind is a lovely thing,
And, oh,
How it boggles!

My thoughts are very... Freefloating
Compared to me

Funny how that works, isn't it?

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You left a very raw lump of anger in my chest and it's
very hard to chip it down
instead of building it
larger and larger

I'm trying to move on but it's so **** hard with no closure.

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It may only be ten PM
But it sure as hell feels like three in the morning
Thinking about you,
Writing about you,
Stuck on you...

Sounds about right

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We're just friends
I mean,
sure,
Maybe I wanna kiss her when she wakes
Up
And maybe I wanna make her breakfast
And drag my fingers across her skin
And kiss her freckles, all of them
But
We're just
FRIENDS

.

Rule Number One:
Never Fall For a Straight Girl

Broken that rule
How many times now?

I should know better

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I've decided you're an angel
How else could you be so...
Understanding?
Caring?
Talented?

I think that if you got a look at your heart,
It's be shining white and gold,
Almost drowning out the sun
Someone put you here to spread...
Hope?
Courage?
Love?

And for that I ma eternally grateful
Because I'm happy to have handed you my heart
And to have gotten it back, sewn together

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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON LIVING
WHEN YOU'RE THE FIRST AND LAST THING
I THINK OF EVERY DAY

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE
WHEN ALL I WANT TO INHALE IS YOUR SCENT

****
**** **** ****
**** ****

YOUR LIPS ARE ALL I DREAM ABOUT

ADN I THINK I'M WASTING AWAY
FOR WHAT IS FOOD
WHEN ALL I WANT TO EAT IS YOU

SEE, I CAN'T EVEN SPELL RIGHT
AND MAYBE THAT'S JUST MY CONCUSSION

BUT YOU'RE PUSHING OUT
EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY BRAIN

YOU'RE ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT
AND I'M SLOWLY LOSING MY WILL TO

LIVE

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Sophia,
Sophia,
sweet delight!

Sweeter than the
Birds,
Bees,
A Sweet Treat
To eat!

Sophia,
My dear,
Listen up!

Button up,
Jump up,
And...


OFF WE GO!

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Goodbye, Ryanson.
You will be so missed.
Your kindness, goofiness, and welcoming nature were
Rare.
And so welcome in day-to-day life.
I remember
You were walking through school with a plate of cookies, and
I
Asked if I could have
One.
You gave me the whole plate.

If that doesn't tell people what kind of person you are,
Were,
...Then I don't know what to say.

Goodbye, Ryanson.
Rest in peace.
You will be so missed.

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I can already feel you fading from my mind,
Gone
With
The
Wind

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I'm sure that nothing will come of it
(That seems to be a regular thing)
But I'm quite happy
To just bask in these feelings for a while
And see where they lead me
Who knows,
I might get lucky
And maybe get to have you for once

One can only hope

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The Northern Lights,
A great green swirling Chinese dragon,
Dancing in the sky,
Writhing so slowly,
So elegantly...

So divinely.

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I don't think I'll ever love someone as much as I loved you.
I loved you more than myself, more than the earth, more than life.
I loved you so deeply you tore the fabric of my being in two when you left,
Never to return.

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Say something I'm giving up on you

I seem to be saying that a lot lately
...Doing that more and more...

So the question is:
Am I losing my faith in general?
Or am I just not a dreamer?
(Anymore)

Life is a curious thing
It always keeps you hanging on

No matter how much you've lost your faith

I wonder what'll restore mine

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Let's listen to CCR and drive through the town
Let's dig and plant and dig and plant
Let's watch the leaves and flowers sprout, growing more vibrant with each passing day
Let's do Small Things for each other, no expectations.
Let's just be us around each other,
And trust that we can find our way together

Can we watch the sun set and drink lemonade?
Can we go swimming and diving in the lake?
Can we take pictures of the frost on the windows, drawing hearts in it?
Can we make each other dinner?

If only you knew how I felt
If only you'll know how I'll feel
If only you felt the same

I want you so **** bad,
In the purest way possible.

I just wanna be yours.

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Stone-cold greys bring light to the skies
I sense doom...
What will the day bring?

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Two pages left
I want to make it special
I've put a lot of myself in here
Healing, venting, stitching old wounds

This unassuming little book holds the best and the worst of me
(But mostly the worst)

I,
I have fought
I have struggled for five years
And I almost gave up
But I didn't.
So,
Look Where I Am Now
My life is a rollercoaster,
And I'm simply going up

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A pastel colored sky,
Rising up and painting the frost on my windows
A gentle kiss of color;
It's too early yet for the striking reds and oranges of the sun
And so we only have pink,
Pink and light, light blue

A gentleness fills my soul at the sight
The clouds are so soft I could almost -touch- them

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Some people go to church
I go to Tettegouche

With the trees as my church,
Rocks, my pews,
And the multitude of stars as my altar,
I prostrate myself on the mossy ground
Praying to the wind
To please, Keep Me Whole
And as I sit and gape,
Gape up at the stars,
Crack-
Something in me twists,
And I feel the emptiness
Pouring out of me,
Only to be replaced by What will Be
And I Know
I am here
I am whole
And life has Never Been So Good

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I miss your face
Your myriad of freckles
Dusting your nose and cheeks and lips
I miss how your face lights up when you laugh,
Impossibly happy
I miss the sparkle in your eyes,
Your smug grin
I get these glances,
These quick snippets,
But nobody knows how much I'd give to
Study your face in depth again
I miss your astounding beauty and all the little details that make you so
Breathtaking
I just miss you
A lot
Even though you're a ****** ******* person

I just don't understand how someone so
Heavenly Beautiful
Can be so judgmental and hurtful,
Lashing out like a cornered animal
I miss you, but ******* I hate how mean you were to me
And all I did was try to be happy,
And be myself

I'm so, so sorry that offended you so

I just want you to forgive me

me.gs

The spider spins its web,
Oblivious to the
Entire Universe around it

Such small focus!
How admirable.

me.gs

Letting go
It hurts
It hurts more than anything I've ever done
But there are some things that I just
Cannot fix,
No matter how much I might want to

I was pouring so much of myself into you,
Trying to fill you up
But you were a bucket
Not a bucket that had a hole,
No
But a bucket without a bottom.
And there would just never be enough of me to fill you.
The world would flood before I could fix you

I'm sorry
But I can't be the only one fixing you
You have to fix you, too.

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The storm rages on around us
And,
My dear,
I can't help but think
That even if we were in the middle of a tornado
You could make it feel like a
Calm, calm day on the lake

My life is chaotic
And nothing - nobody
Is even close to the large modicum of
Peace
your aura brings.

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You could offer me the world and I'd say
No

I don't want the world.
I just want
You.

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Last night,
With the way the lights framed your face and lit up your eyes,
I wanted nothing more
Than to tuck your hair behind your ear
And plant a kiss on your lips,
Hoping it could blossom into something more
Alas,
There was no water to feed it,
No sunlight to nourish it,
And I wasn't nearly drunk or brave enough
To start digging

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I know I saw you today
And I know that I will see you after tomorrow
And I know that we texted today
I know we will text tomorrow

But a second without you by my side
Is a second that is

Wasted?
Useless?
Superfluous?

And that I cannot bear

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You,
You so pious,
You ruined my relationship with God for me.
You soured me
(Like spoiled milk)
to the point
That I can no longer get any joy from my Creator.

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