This is one of those nights
Where my soul cries out for someone else
Someone to hold
Someone to cry with
I just wish I had a home away from home
So I could curl up next to your heart
And listen to what it tells me,
Our legs interlocked and our hands in each others' hair
This is one of those nights.

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I can smell the blown out candles
It smells like
Sadness
Wax
And a little bit of bitterness
All rolled up into passionate flames
Sadly snuffed out
Much like my heart
This is confusing and none of it makes sense
But ******,
It's how I feel

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Last year I had depression
Last year my grades weren't so good
This year I'm recovered
This year I'm doing ...amazing

So, mom,
It's not that I was lazy
And I've "Gotten my act together"

It's that
Last year I didn't do my homework
Because I focused more on not killing myself
Than I did graphing 3D objects
And I was too busy summoning the energy to shower for the first time in five days
To even glance at my biology notes
You don't understand, ok?
Please stop

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Yesterday
I said I'd start getting over you
That I couldn't do it anymore
I had
A *******
Plan

Then you smiled at me today
And *******, I blew it

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What was once a blazing conflagration in my heart
Then became a cozy hearth fire
And now it seems reduced to embers, begging for life
How do I rekindle these flames?
But more importantly, do I even want to?
You're not mine
You never will be
And though this is the sweetest torture
I don't know if I want to experience it anymore
And so the last of the embers will fade to dark
My heart burned and filled with ash
My tongue scorched,
My throat like sandpaper,
Third degree burns all over my insides

I want to say sorry
But who am I apologizing to?
My heart?
I don't think it wants my apologies anymore

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I can be romantic
I can give you flowers
I can buy you chocolates and clothes
I can set up a picnic under the stars
I can whisper sweet nothings in your ear while we lie together
I can be anything you want
I just want to be something to you

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"Memories are stored in our body and tissues"
If this is true, then
Your scent clings like tar in my lungs,
Your touch is the goosebumps on my arms,
Your hugs, the aching in my ribs,
And your kisses, the scratches on my lips,
Imagined, unreal, unfeasible

But my longing for you has overtaken my body
Everything hurts, I swear
My knees pop,
My spine compresses,
And my head grows heavy,
My eyes falling shut, almost sewn

My battered corpse yearns for you
But soon I'll be gone with the wind

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As I brushed the snow off our car,
Like peeling a blanket back from a sleeping world,
I wondered
Aren't we still supposed to be asleep?
Mother Nature still has not woken
Should we not follow her lead
And keep our heads under pillows of snow
Until the Sun shakes us from our slumber?

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I thought we were best friends
But you ******* lied
I feel like I got my stomach punched
My guts ripped out
I kind of want to ****
We were best friends
That means we tell each other everything
But I guess you didn't get the memo

...I suppose it's my fault too
I should have made it clear that I'd listen and help you, without judgement
No matter my personal feelings
I'm sorry
I failed

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After the game,
As we walked into the locker room,
I saw the tears running down your face
And I wanted nothing more than to wipe them away
However, I knew that if I did
I'd cup your face and want to kiss you
So I did
Nothing
And continued walking as my heart ripped

I should be used to that by now

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Everything in my world reminds me of you
From the way my food smells
To how the setting sun hits the branches
I guess you're tied to my heart,
For better or for worse
With my luck, though,
You won't even think of yourself as anything more than a butterfly,
Floating on a breeze through my mind

I'd catch you if I had a net

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The number of time I have ripped my soul apart over what could have been
Is higher than I can count
But is it really my fault
That the gods themselves
Have seen fit to manifest in you?

I would rather look upon your face
Than ever see the sun again

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Long lay the world
In sin and error, pining
Till you appeared
And my soul felt its worth





There's not much more to say
Than
That

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"Fall on your knees
Oh, hear the angels' voices
Oh, night divine
The stars are brightly shining"

This always reminds me of you,
My angel

Fall on my knees
Hearing your voice,
Rip my soul from my body,
I don't deserve your presence

How and why I was blessed with you,
I do not know
All I know is how grateful I am

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It's way past my bedtime
But I really don't care
I bet a hundred years from now
I'll still be here
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...
For you to reply to me
I don't care though, honest
Because I think you're worth it
Even if I only get a snap of your couch,
Instead of your beautiful face

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I want all the cliches with you
I want the kiss underneath the mistletoe,
I want the kiss on New Year's,
I want to give you roses and chocolate on Valentine's Day,
I want to go egg hunting with you,
I want a picnic, ants and all,
I want to sit and watch the stars,
And I want to kiss your nose when it's cold

But even though I won't get it,
I can still dream can't I?
Dreams are all I have left

They're all I have left.

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When I was little,
When my dad would tuck me in,
He'd say,
"Good night, sweet dreams, see you in the morning"
And I'd say it back

Recently I've been thinking
And what I've realized is
The only sweet dreams I'll be having
Will be about
You

Every night before I go to bed
I hope you visit me in my sleep
I think you could turn my worst nightmares
Into my best dreams

One can only hope.

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"I hope they see each freckle on your back as if it's a star and you are the whole universe to them."

I want to kiss each freckle on your chest
And trace the lines that'd connect each one

I'm quite sure that if I followed my heart
And traced what it's telling me
The freckles on your chest would form a pair of angel wings
And my heart would tell me
"Kiss her wings, so that she may fly
And never be grounded"
But currently the only wings I have belong to Icarus
And I'm flying too close to you,
My sun

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I'm going to get tattoos one day,
And when I do,
I'm going to get angel wings on my back
So that I will never forget
Those that got me through my worst times
And so I'll be reminded
That even those in the dark
Can one day conquer that and be suddenly bathed in light
Basking in the rapture,
That glorious feeling,
Knowing that our Creator himself
Is smiling down on you

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Dear Creator,
I thank you for this day
I thank you for the ones behind me,
And the ones before me
I thank you for the opportunities you have given me,
The ones you are giving me,
And the ones you will give me
I know what's behind me,
But I haven't the slightest clue what's in front
I can only hope you'll be there with me,
Taking in the good, the bad, and the ugly.

As it should be.

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I've decided you're an angel
How else could you be so...
Understanding?
Caring?
Talented?

I think that if you got a look at your heart,
It's be shining white and gold,
Almost drowning out the sun
Someone put you here to spread...
Hope?
Courage?
Love?

And for that I ma eternally grateful
Because I'm happy to have handed you my heart
And to have gotten it back, sewn together

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I think there's something special in the way you say hi to someone you truly have a connection with. "Hi." "I see you. My heart sees your heart." It's like a recognition of the souls. In a chaotic day, a simple "hi" can slow everything down and make everything so much simpler and easy to see. "Hi." "I love you." It's hard to explain, but to me it's like an embrace within a greeting. A word-hug. And I truly love it.

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Dear Creator,
I thank you for the days you've gifted me
I thank you for the lesson I have learned,
The lessons I'm learning,
And the lessons I will learn.
Thank you for all I have yet to come
Thank you for the push I needed
But truly, thank  you
For you have shown me the path,
And I enjoy it so
I don't know where I'm going,
And I don't know if you'll always be there
But I do know one thing:
You were there when I needed you most

I've never prayed before
And my words may confuse you,
But I promise I'm trying

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I suppose I should sleep now
But how am I supposed to keep from drifting
When you're my anchor
I suppose I'll just float in this sea of nightmares
Nightmares of not holding you
And maybe that sounds dramatic
But it'd be smooth sailing with you in my arms
Straight on towards the North Star

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They say
Genius and insanity are two sides of the same coin
I wonder what I am
I'm not calling myself a genius
Because if I was...
I wouldn't be falling for you

I suppose that makes me insane,
Falling for something I'll never hold,
Like the Sun for the Moon

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I feel that my writing is becoming...
Stilted
Out of control
Frantic
And I don't mean to blame you or anything
But it's all your fault
I can't get you out of my ******* head
Everywhere I look, there you are
In reach, but I can't touch you
Honestly though,
I don't mind from this
If I die from this,
I'm sure it will be the sweetest torture
Maybe I'm something of a *******
Or is that just called falling in love?
I'm not quite sure

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It may only be ten PM
But it sure as hell feels like three in the morning
Thinking about you,
Writing about you,
Stuck on you...

Sounds about right

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I think everything would be better with you
If I missed the bus, I could crawl into your arms
While I wait for everyone to wake up,
We could think and talk and eat
I could make you soup and tea while you put your head on my shoulder

However,
You are conspicuously gone,
And this soup tastes of longing and bitterness

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My eyes are tired
My head hurts
My back aches
But my heart...
My heart is ripped,
Jagged edges showing.
Wooden splinters embedded in its flesh,
And it's all
Because of you
Psychedelic love songs take me away,
And I'll still be thinking of you

As always

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If I could give you the happiness you deserve
I'd do it without hesitation

But
I
Can't

So here I stand
With my heart in my hands
And nothing to show for it all

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I've learned a lot of things in my 16 years
I've learned quadratic equations,
Parts of speech,
Ohm's Law

But I've also learned
That patience is key,
It's the little things that matter,
And that you should stop and smell the roses

But none of that compares to these things:
Nothing shines quite as bright as your eyes,
Nothing twinkles as much as your smile,
And nothing,
Nothing
Hurts as much as not having you

Considering how smart I am,
I'm pretty stupid, huh?

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I did not see you today at school
So is it such a surprise
That my day was gloomier than normal
Without your:
Greetings in gym
Smiles in the library
Laughs in the hallway
It is such a surprise that everything rings hollow,
Much likes the bones of lovers past
Eons from now
Someone will make a necklace from my bones
And I'm quite sure
That if they rattled it
They'd hear your name

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Rip my heart out of my chest
Grind my bones into dust
You need to stay out of my forbidden places
I can't get you out of my head

I remember when I was little,
Reading all those fairy tale love stories
All I ever wanted was a:
Happily Ever After
Knight in Shining Armor
Wedding Heard Across the Land

But instead I have this:
Poems written in my bed
Love letters left undelivered
Smoke in my lungs
Liquor in my stomach
Bile in my throat
And you are nowhere near my lips

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It's one AM
And I can't stop thinking
About how much warmer my bed would be
If you were in it with me

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My thoughts always seem to come back to you
And I think
That even if I was stranded in the desert
I'd think of you til I died
Because everything I'd see would remind me of you:
The sand dunes blowing like your hair
The sun shining as bright as your teeth

If I had dehydration
I think that maybe
Water would be the last thing on my mind
Instead i'd be dreaming of your lips
Unattainable like water
And as my body would grow weak,
And I'd fall to my knees
And as my body would die and waste away,
The wind would whistle through my bones,
And I bet if you listened closely,
You could hear your name in them

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I haven't written in here in two months
And I thought it was cause I was done
Done with love
Done with being sad
Done with drowning in my feelings
Done with floating in *****
I suppose I was wrong
Maybe I won't ever escape you
And I honestly don't know
If that's good or bad
Because on one hand,
I'll never have you
But on the other,
Every time you smile and laugh at me
My world gets brighter
It's such a sweet torture
But is it worth it?

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I think love is pink
Because what is love,
If not the rosy blush of your cheeks,
Or the way my heart beats when we hug?
Love is the color of butterflies
Flapping their wings in my stomach
And I feel
As though my blood would run
Dripping, pale pink, out of my nose
If you said you loved me back
It's funny though,
I have no need to worry
Because you're already in love

It's sad though,
Because you're not in love with me

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Sometimes I feel
As if I'm drowning
Drowning in my feelings for you
And I seem to have forgotten how to swim
And I have no life jacket
So it's up to me
To paddle my way through this ****
But god, do I wish I had help

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I may be a bit drunk
But I can't stop
Thinking of you
I wonder what that means
Do I love you?
Perhaps?
Do I just like you?
Perhaps
Do I know which?
Sadly, no

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I don't even know what to say
Sometimes you're all I think about
And I feel that you're the only other person in this ******* world
Other times I couldn't give a **** about you
It's so confusing when your heart doesn't know who-what it wants
Because
I can't face my feelings
I can't hide from them
And that is worse than loving someone you can't

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I can't fall for you

I have the worst habit
Of falling for the wrong people
At the wrong time
And I will do everything in my power
To make sure that doesn't happen

Because
I can't fall for you
I will not go through that pain
Not again
I didn't learn the first time I fell for someone
Or the second
Or the third
So I swear on my soul
I will not go through that again

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They say nothing good happens after 2 AM
But the dream leaving my lips
Tasted sweet as honey, it tasted of you
And though I have not kissed you yet
I am sure it would be sweeter than honey

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How long does it take to fall in love?
My mom would tell you she fell the instant my father walked in the room on their first date
The studies will tell you it takes four months
I will tell you
That I fell for you bit by bit
That every time you flung yourself
Onto your couch, your bed, your desk
I flung bits of my heart at you
That every time you laughed at my jokes
I laughed a bit of my heart away
So really,
All it takes
Is
Time

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I went outside to look at the stars
I went out, boldly, unafraid
And then I thought
"How nice it would be to kiss you underneath this blanket of stars, this pillow of night holding us up"
And then I realized
You were not there
Suddenly I was aware of the dark and the terrors it held
And I went back inside, alone

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I am red
My color is red
My pants are red
My shirt is too
My pen is red
My lifeblood too
Love is red
Hatred too
Birth is red
Death is too
So it would seem to me, then,
That red is the color of life

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It is now past midnight
Yet another night where I should be asleep
And here I am, writing, thinking

It's been three minutes
Now four
I have written nothing of substance
I want to write, but what of?
About who I think I'm falling for?
About who I have a crush on?
About my past?
About my present?
Future?
Maybe I just need to write
And get all my nothing out

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It's almost midnight and I know I should sleep
But with so many thoughts flying around which ones am I to keep?
Should I think on you, her, him, her, mom, dad, brother, friend?
The possibilities are endless, yet
I know I can't keep on like this
Or I'll be exhausted in the morning

I am not satisfied with these words
I know I can do better
Someone
Teach me please
I want to write about my feelings
But I don't know what to say
So here I drivel on
And bore myself more each day

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It's early in the morning
(Or maybe late at night)
And still I'm awake and alert
(Not because I have a fright)
The clock is ticking and tocking
(I wish it would just turn back)
I'm sitting in my bed, alone
(It almost makes me laugh)
I wish I was sitting with you
(Oh, a girl has dreams)
But I know that dreams do not come true
(If they did I'd **** light beams)
And I do not wish to be alone
(Yet, here I sit)
But I know wishes will get me nowhere
(Oh, but if they did...)
So I sit here and think of you
(Naturally)

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I want to write you a letter
But what am I to say?
That I fall in love a little more, each and every day?
That your beauty, beyond comprehension,
Could push the sun out the way?

I do not have a clue how to tell you
That I don't even know what to tell you
That I fall for you more every day

And I may be going in circles
But I don't even know what to say
Except that I'm falling more
Each and every day

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Depression is

The Grinch under my bed that would grab me if I got too close to the edge of it

The shark under the water of the lake that would drag me under

The Boogeyman past the luminescence of my nightlight that would eat me if it went out

And the cure is
Love

Do not ever let someone tell you
That you shouldn't love yourself
Because you are lovely and you are worth it

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