I'm sinking in an ocean but I don't know what it's called

My question is
Why do I want to know where I'm going to drown?

I'm breathing in nothing but your scent and **** I need air
But I don't think anyone's ever Died So Happy
And I mean I'm Really Quite Content

So, my dear,
Keep on keepin' on
And I'll continue on my way,
With nothing to guide me but a broken heart and an even more broken compass

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YOU'RE A MESS OF CONTRADICTIONS
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

How am I supposed to like you
When you **** me around,
Like a stupid little marionette doll?
I can't say no.
Is this love?
Powerlessness?

I don't think so,
But
I
Just
Don't
Know

**** me, I don't know

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I went for a walk just now,
And holy  ****,
I cannot get you out of my head
I kept imagining how we'd bump together and jump apart,
Blushing furiously and mumbling half-hearted apologies
And how I'd lean over and kiss your:
Frost-kissed cheeks,
Your elegant nose,
Your long, pianist fingers
(Oh how I wish you'd play me a melody)

You'd chase away the dark and its beasts

But alas
I had nothing to comfort me,
Save some naive wishes and long-dead hopes

Maybe the dark is the truth,
And I'm meant to be alone

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Hands.
Hands.
Hands Hands Hands

They are what makes us, us.
It's how we write,
Type,
Drive,
Operate,
Cook,
Prepare,
Build,
Destroy,
Love.­

They are how we navigate this life
And they tell a wonderful story,
With creases, callouses, cuts and scars,
They are beautiful
And I am so thankful

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My body is a temple,
Wherein somebody defaced the walls,
Tore down the statues,
And ****** on the altars,
spraying black paint everywhere.
And - ah me!
I was overwhelmed by it all and I let it get to me, I did nothing.
Nothing at all, for the longest time

But one day, I had a glimmer of hope
And then I had two
And I had more and more
So I got up, and I cleaned my temple,
repaired it,
And - oh!
How it gleams in the sun, now

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I have bags under my eyes
I don't know why

I mean, sure, it's harder to sleep when you're not in my bed anymore,
And nobody tells me "goodnight" now,
And there's no more kisses on my eyelids
And
And
And...
I miss you

I'm cold and lonely and oh so sad
And a pillow just isn't the same as hearing your heart and lungs

Oh well
I've always loved watching the stars

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I'm not much of a watch person
And I'm not quite sure why
Maybe it's because I measure time by how many times I've made someone laugh
Or whether or not I've written a note for someone
I suppose that means I use people, life, as my watch,
And not a stupid little dinky machine

You know, out of all the species on Earth,
Humans are the only ones who keep track of time
Maybe we need to return to our roots
And forget our clocks
I don't want to tick-tock-tick the rest of my life away

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I have sutures up and down my body, inside and out
They're keeping me together while I heal
But they've been there a while
And I just want to know
How long will it take to heal?
I'm itching to be free of my confines
And live my life,
Without being afraid I'll rip open old wounds
And watch my happiness drain out of me

...Hopefully sooner rather than later

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I've got dreams
You've got dreams
We've all got dreams
So how are you going to achieve those dreams
If you're not even alive?
I want you to live
I want to witness your dream come alive
And I hope you'll do the same for me

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They said she wore:
A ballgown of sadness
With a beautifully sad bow on her waist
And dark blue melancholic gloves
Her skin sparkled with wretchedness
And on her ears glittered joyless earrings
She wore her sadness well
But it didn't matter
Because no matter how stunningly they thought she wore her sorrow
She knew the truth:
Pain is never beautiful
So she stepped into a fire
So everyone could see:
"Depression's never pretty
And now it has killed me
Don't put flowers on my grave, please
I want everyone to know I died in hideous sadness"

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To me, it seems,
The loveliest people
Always wear sadness the best
They've been through the worst of it
So even if they can't fix themselves
They can at least stop you from breaking

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I sometimes find myself wishing
For something along the lines of
An inoperable brain tumor
Hoping
...Wishing, almost
For a reason to live my life to the fullest
It's silly isn't it
Hoping for death so we can finally live
How we need to validate our being happy,
As  if  it  needs  a  reason
I wish I had the courage to live my life on my terms,
Without justifying my happiness to others
I wish...
I wish...
I wish.

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Indelible images left on my heart
Tattooed there by the needles of broken love
And the only way to remove them
Is lasering that image off by forgetting
And it will be painful
And it will take a long time
But they will leave your mind
And those tattoos, those memories that you thought would be there forever,
Will just ...fade away,
Not with a bang,
But with a whimper
So much for "Till The End of Time"

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Paroxysms of emotion
Shake shake shake
Sha-
SHAKING
Out of my brain,
Trembling down my arm,
Ballroom dancing it's way into my pen,
And finally,
Exploding into ballet across these pages,
Pirouetting, spinning,
Filling with emotion these blind, blank bits of paper
They tell me what I am,
What I am made of

I quite like it,
Discovering myself

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Have you ever had an idea
Where it sits
And sits
And sits
In your bones, marinating for so long,
That if somebody snapped your bones and ****** out all the marrow
They would most likely absorb the essence of your being, as well as that idea
That idea, which was so strong as to tattoo itself onto your support structure
Would now be in them

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God, I hate people.
People are so ******* horrible
They're so ******* cruel

But, **** it all,
People are a drug I can't quit

So noble,
Full of hope, love, inspiration...

People are paradoxes of the worst kind
And **** it all,
I can't quit them

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Eyes like flowers,
Peeking through the empty holes of your eye sockets

Remind me again,
Who said death was ugly?

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I can feel myself slipping back into apathy
It's... interesting, to say the least,
Wondering how many times I can slip into apathy
And back out before I'm stuck
I wonder if this is nearing the point of no return
Half of me hopes not...
But the other half,
It simply
Doesn't
Care.

At least not anymore

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As the old man Sun caressed my face,
I felt his wizened old hands as he traces lines down my jaw and chin,
The tuppity-tap-tap of him drumming a beat on my throat
And I felt
The warmth of his rays, of him
His love for me and all beings,
Filling us with his warmth and letting us know
You Are Not Alone,
Even if you have nobody else
You will still have me,
And my rays,
Reaching you from miles and miles away

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As the butterfly floats along the breeze,
I wonder what it thinks...
"What wonderful weather (or not) we have today"?
"Look at that flower. Wow"?
Who knows for certain
I suppose,
If you really want to know,
You'll have to ask the butterfly itself

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Great Determination is needed for life,
Going on even when you want to give up and waste away,
Even when your lungs are rotting and poisoning your body and poisoning your mind and very being
You Must Continue
And if you do
You will get to the Core
Burning bright with love
And You Will See -
Life -
For all that it is,
Rich red blossoms in the dead of winter,
Beautiful, hot kisses on dead lips, giving life
And all you need
is Great Determination

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"It is also hard to write about a city we just moved to; it's not yet in our body"
This is because
Memories are stored in our body and tissues
This city hasn't hurt you yet
It knows you not

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Write out the fuckery,
The anger,
The hate,
Breathe in understanding,
Love,
Freedom,
And then you will find
That
You
Are
...
Freed
You are you,
You are here,
You are now,
And you Will Not Change,
No matter what They might want
So what are you waiting for?
Write
And be

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You wrapped your arms around my waist
And I could have stayed there forever

I think I swallowed my tongue
Because I could only hum at whatever you were saying

And it's a good thing you were holding on so tight
Because my knees almost buckled

The only thing I would have changed
Would be your lips on my neck instead of wherever they were,
Which was too far away for my tastes

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We're like the planets, you and I
Our orbits bringing us closer, closer,
So close,
But we never touch
Instead we skate on by each other,
Lingering glances and low whispers flung about

I'd love to have you
Even if it meant us crashing into each other and being destroyed,
That moment of pure ecstasy, I think,
Would be worth it

But alas,
We're like the Sun and the Moon,
Fated never to touch

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On July 22nd, I wrote:
"And I know I won't get any gifts
But it sure would be nice
To have you on my birthday"

Silly, stupid girl
Don't you know
Wishes don't come true
And least they don't for you

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See the secret to expectations
Is to not have any
That way,
You'll either be pleasantly surprised
Or...
Nothing.
You expected nothing,
You got nothing,
You got what you expected

I need to work on that, still
...
Not getting my hopes up
I need to learn that hopes and expectations are the same thing

Happy ******* birthday to me.

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I love that your phone backgrounds are quotes, and not people
Because you seem like the type
To chant mantras at yourself in the mirror every morn
And I can't help but see that as utterly adorable,
Yet as showing your determination, too
To not give up,
To keep going, no matter what
I see it a lot, that determination
In school,
In sports,
And,
Quite honestly,
It's my favorite thing about you
So keep on keepin' on
And look forward to your future
Because I think you'll go far.

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I want a love that explodes like a supernova
I want a love that leaves me breathless
A love that involves oversized shirts and shots,
Low giggles and breathy moans in the morning,
One where we wear each other's coats and hats,
Laughing at stupid jokes

I want a love that lasts forever

I want a love that makes me speechless

One that involves stupid notes, home-cooked meals,
Camping together,
Laying in hammocks...

I want a love so fiery hot it could out-burn the Sun and cure frostbite
I want a love

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I think the reason that I so loathe wearing socks
Is because
How am I supposed to feel:
The wool carpet on my feet, scratching like 30 grit sandpaper,
Or the way grass bends under my toes,
And the sharp pain of stepping on a rock,
If my feet are cushioned and suffocated?
I hate sweaty toes more than I hate vegetables,
And yet...
Here I am,
Every day,
Socks on, shoes tied,
Feet sweaty and almost lifeless
And all because of the lack of life under my heels

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Lately, it seems,
Unfinished poems are my thing
I wonder if this has anything to do with you
And how you left me,
Gaping,
Searching for an answer,
But none to be found.
What happened to my feelings?
More importantly, what happened to yours?
they seem to be gone with the wind
Fickle and ephemeral,
Nobody knows what happened with them.

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I love the way your nose turns up
And the way you do your hair
I love the way you walk to class
And everything you wear
But what I love most of all is how you smile
Whether it's from a joke or playing ball
It lights up my world
And if I could I'd call
You every night before bed
And we could talk about it all:
Why you never go to school on the bus,
Why you always trip on your feet and fall,
Fall,
Falling,
Falling for you is what I'm doing
And I sadly have no control over it
I wish I did though,
Because I know how it will end
Me, sad and alone,
Stitching my heart back together,
And you,
Blissfully unaware of your impact on my mind

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I mean, sure, I don't always remember chores or do my homework,
But you can't say I don't remember the important things,
Like how you like your coffee scalding,
Or that you prefer the window seat on the bus,
And how you love bright colors, all of them,
Except pink

So yeah, I may be forgetful,
But I sure as hell remember the important stuff
And that's what counts, isn't it?

Even if I'll never have to use that knowledge,
It's still good to know that I could treat you right if I had the chance

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The worst thing in the world
Is when you want to take away someone's pain,
And indeed,
You'd give anything to be able to
But you can't.
So there you sit,
Heart bleeding along with theirs,
Trembling hands and achy head
Wishing for - hoping, wanting,
More than anything,
To help them.
But
You
Can't

I'm sorry I can't help
I would if I could

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I'm sure that nothing will come of it
(That seems to be a regular thing)
But I'm quite happy
To just bask in these feelings for a while
And see where they lead me
Who knows,
I might get lucky
And maybe get to have you for once

One can only hope

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I think love is like a fire
It can warm you,
Shine light in the dark,
But it can also
Consume you,
Hurt you,
Swallow you up
So you'd best be careful,
And guard your heart
Or else you'll get burned
And want to cut it out,
Nothing left but pain and ashes

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The only thing I want is you
Slam me up against a wall,
**** me till I can't breathe,
I want you

The sounds our bones would make,
A hundred years from now,
The most beautiful ratta-tat-tat
Of our bones pounding like drums
Heavy, ******, filling the air with our chorus
Love is music,
Life is love,
It all goes in a circle,
And currently,
I keep coming back to you

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Say something I'm giving up on you

I seem to be saying that a lot lately
...Doing that more and more...

So the question is:
Am I losing my faith in general?
Or am I just not a dreamer?
(Anymore)

Life is a curious thing
It always keeps you hanging on

No matter how much you've lost your faith

I wonder what'll restore mine

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When I saw it was 11:11
I rushed to make a wish
And what I wished for it:

You

Just you

And I know that wishes don't come true
And I know that I'll never get you

But hey,
A girl has to hope, right?

Right?

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Lately,
My hands seem to always be cold
And I don't know if it's just because it's winter
Or if my heart is starting to shut down from everything it's been through
Maybe I'm just looking for someone,
You, perhaps
To come along and cup them in yours
And maybe we can stay that way for a while

I mean,
Only if you want to
I'm sure I can find mittens

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I just wish you were here
Because I'm drunk and longing
Longing for your body heat to warm my cold soul
Maybe you can jumpstart
My dead heart
I'm drunk
And you're my sobriety and a brighter life
I just wish you were here
So I could kiss your heart
And listen to it beat to the rhythm of my feelings
Feelings for you
That I'm scared will blaze out of control, and soon
I just wish you were here

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My room smells like alcohol and longing

Two things that really don't go well together

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I may not be good at drawing
So the best I can manage is this,
Painting a picture of my heart with these words,
Hoping you can spot the different colors,
Picking out the details
Sometimes my pictures are cold and blue
Sometimes they're red hot
They used to be completely grey
But now they burst with color
So here you go, my dear
Snapshots of my heart, mind, and soul
I hope you like them

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Last night,
With the way the lights framed your face and lit up your eyes,
I wanted nothing more
Than to tuck your hair behind your ear
And plant a kiss on your lips,
Hoping it could blossom into something more
Alas,
There was no water to feed it,
No sunlight to nourish it,
And I wasn't nearly drunk or brave enough
To start digging

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These lights in my brother's room,
Multicolored,
Blinking,
They seem to be mocking me
These lights are brighter than my future
At least if I continue on this way

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I thought I had no more in me to write

I was wrong

The girl lives to write another day,
Broken, bloodied, bent,
But her heart still beats,
Even if it leaks out her soul

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You slipped from my grasp
(Though I never held you to begin with)
And I fear
(With some concern)
That with that missed chance
(They seem to be piling up, don't they?)
Goes a little bit of my heart
(You tore it off with your smile and nails)
If I was polite
(Which I would be, if my momma taught me)
I'd smile and thank you for your time
(Like Good Little Girls should)
But since I'm not
(And thank heaven for that)
*******

You ****** me up and you don't even know it

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"We are the sum of our past experiences"
If this is true,
Then:
You are where I picked up my walk
You are the source of my jokes
You are the wave I use
You are how I write my 4's
You are how I stretch after a long nap
You are the way that I sing,
Low, Whispery, rasping away at the song

But soon I fear I'll forget you all
And with you, the things you taught me
So question is,
Who will I be then?

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You seem to be stuck on my brain
Because
It's hard to take a test
When all I can think about
Is your head between my legs
And I can't focus on my homework
When I can practically feel your fingers drawing lines down my body
And I don't even know concentration
When all my mind see
Is you underneath me
Whispering prayers
Because, ****
What we could make is magic
It's all I can think about

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I want to run my hands down the highways of your body
And I want to find all the back roads nobody else knew existed
And maybe
Just maybe
You'll let me heal the car crashes on your skin
And dry the rivers falling from your eyes
I can clear the storm clouds in your head

Because all my maps point to you, dear
And I'd love a chance
To drive my way into your heart

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