I want to be beautiful
Not just in looks
But in the way I move
The way I talk
I want to speak
As though I'm reciting poetry
I want to swiftly dance away
I want to drink coffee
Early in the morning

But I am not beautiful
I am panic attacks
At 3am
I am bruised legs
And everything but
Lovely

It was miraculous
To watch such an intense love
Grow

Beginning as strangers
I saw as you both slowly
Became friends
There was a spark
In your friendship
That - I never doubted

It was around November
Perhaps December
When the snow began to fall
So did you guys
For each other

Now
I was still in love
With that girl with brown eyes
But she fancied a girl
With blonde hair
And a stunning mind

Spring began to appear
And I was watching
As you two
Bloomed
Alongside the flowers

It is now over a year
Since you girls first
Shook hands
I'm not sure what
You're feeling
But the spark
Has disappeared

I'm worried I'll end up as I began
Needles in my arm
And a tall strange man

April 2012
The needles were inserted
Into my bruising arms
I was dehydrated
I was hungry
They pumped me full of sugars
The doctor was a man
Well over 40
He told me I didn't try hard enough

November 2014
Needles were pushed through my vulnerable skin
My veins were pumped full of drugs
I don't even know what I'm on
I don't even care
There's a man's face somewhere in the blur
He's tall and has tattoos
I feel his tongue in my mouth
And his hands reaching for under my skirt
I don't care
I don't have to try anymore

I'm not sure what's happening anymore, the snow still hasn't gone away. It's the first day of Spring, and that should make me happy, but this year it does not. Even last March, I still smiled at the hopes of Spring. This year, there was no smile. Things should be going very well, I'm in a dance class now and I've finally found the school that I can excel in. But nothing can bring a brightness to my dull eyes. I lost my mind ages ago, I don't know why this hurts so much; perhaps because I thought I found my sanity, but it was only a mere speck of light. The snow may melt and Spring may come, but this dark tundra that is roaring inside me will never wither.

If I was to be honest about the person I am

I'd walk around with a neon sign,

"I'll love you because I can't love myself. I'll love you until I find better reasons to suffer."

It's a sadomasochism complex.

It's a toxicity I've grown acquired to.

I gave you every piece of me -
Every sliver of my soul that I spent years working on,
You now own.

I thought you would take care of me
But I can see the person I used to be
Collecting dust on the shelves of your heart

And I cannot do anything but stare
And wish so badly that I could take it back,
Take all of it back.

I don't just want the broken pieces of me.
I want every stupid kiss,
Every pointless argument,
Every hour
Minute
Second
That was wasted on you.

January: nearly killed me
February: left me dead
March: I lost my soul
April: first time in the hospital
May: things started to go wrong
June: lonely nights
July: I found myself
August: lost myself again
September: doing better
October: skipping school
November: lost and dazed
December: darling help, I am afraid

It's been too long
And I think I'm losing touch
Of what's real

I wrote you a thousand letters
That I knew you'd never read
And I kissed each note
With your favorite lip gloss
And like that
You stayed alive inside my mind

I felt the distance between us
It was a tension
That only I could feel

I stopped writing to you
About a year ago
And lately I'm having a hard time
Remembering the curve of your lips
And like this
I'm forgetting you

I've yet again
Found myself crying
Over the same ******* thing

When will you come back?
When will you come back?
When will you come back?

This question plays
Over and over again in my head
I need to wake up
I can't stay in this made up world forever

Perhaps I'll spend forever
Waiting for you
It will be an eternity before you come back

You'll never come back
You'll never come back
You'll never come back

I was sleeping
On a cold December night
When the demons crawled
Into my body
They entered through my mouth
They scratched their way
Down my throat
And landed in my heart
And my stomach
I awoke the next morning
Feeling different
I was sad
I did not want to get out of bed
And get ready for school
I did not want to socialize
Or wear anything but pajamas
Now don't get me wrong
I had been sad before
So I figured this would last
Just a day
But the next night
The demons took over my flesh
And began to claw at my wrists

When you used to say my name
It was always with love
With a smile
You were so glad to know me

Now we are steps away
From falling off the face of the earth
And I desperately want to call your name
But I don't know what it means to me anymore

Now when you say my name
You spew hate into the once so lovely word
I still call for you sometimes
But you're too far away
To notice

"Bleed!"
Cried the serpent
You're covered in black
The air so hot
It faintly stings
Pull apart your flesh
With the serpent's teeth
Quietly you fall
Into a brand new world
The blackness is gone
The serpent now sings
A few moments later
You're awake on the bathroom floor
Red silk surrounds you
Stick the teeth back
Into your stream

There's a hole
In my chest
That appeared around
The time you left

This hole was filled
By a one night thing
Where a girl
With soft lips and
A brilliant mind
Kissed me long
Into the night

I woke the next morning
Holding hands
On her bed
"I was going to kiss
You awake"
The thoughts
In my head
Started to fade
Because that one night thing
Filled the hole
And saved me
From death

If you ask if I'm okay
You will be told no
I haven't been okay in years
My hands shake more than ever
My head is filled with darkness
And I am trying to find a way
To come back to life

When I'm gone
Please don't cry
Because I've shown you my scars
I've reached out for your help
A thousand ******* times
But no one ever takes me seriously
When I say I'm sad
It's not normal
I get obsessed with my sadness
I let it overtake me
You are the only **** person
Who makes me feel sane
And you don't even
Want me around

I've spent years
Trying to find romance
In the tragedy I swore was love
But there was no love
In that basement

There was obsession

I was madly in love
With the idea of being in love
I let it consume me
I spent a year trying to patch myself up
For nothing

There was no love
There was no wounds
But **** I swear

Sometimes I still feel the scars

You're a flower
I'm a ****
You're a rose
I'm just a seed

You're summer
I'm winter
Your blood runs warm
My heart is frozen solid

If you're a shooting star
I'll be the person wishing
If you're the rain
I'll be the one dancing

You speak with such sharp words
You didn't even try to heal my wounds

I am asked how I feel
Nearly every day
Yet I still don't have an answer

To be honest
I don't remember the last time
I felt anything
But fear and loneliness

Fear for the future
Fear that I'll never
Make it through high school
Fear that you will leave me again
Fear that I will never be content with myself

I'm lonely because I'm sad
I'm lonely because I'm scared
I'm lonely because you left
I'm lonely because everyone left

Nothing will ever be okay again

your drunken lips,
my ***** tongue

remind me what it’s like to feel whole -
when there’s not a gaping void in my chest.

tell me i’m beautiful
only this time, you mean it.

you used to whisper my name
and now you scream it to me
sometimes you would tell me secrets
now you don't say a **** thing
i suppose that's how it goes
when things go up in flames
ashes will be all that remain

Changing; it is true
It does put a strain on you
I am not content

I remember the first time I truly saw her.
My eyes fixated on the curve of her lips and the gentle flow of her red hair.
I prayed to a god I was not sure existed because I needed to keep this girl around.
The green in her eyes reminded me of the time I took too many pills and saw an angel.
I'm lucky to have a piece of heaven in my arms.

Yelling
Items crashing on the floor
My house is a wreck
Is this really all I'm living for

I grab the blade
And find freedom in
A gentle red line

I'm not as ****** up
As I used to be
These red lines
Have seen worse days

There are so many reasons
To never get out of bed
So many reasons
To give up
But then I remember
The reasons to wake up
When I hear that song
It reminds me of that night
When I made out with a girl
On her couch
While she was in a relationship
I remember driving to the bad part of town
To pick up some drugs
I remember the exciting things
That make me feel so alive
But I also remember the days
Spent in bed
Rereading my favorite book
And writing notes to you
I remember the reasons
I remember the reasons
I remember the reasons

You're a gentle rain
I'm the pavement
That you so delicately kiss
Your lips will spread
Your teeth will bite
In the most heavenly way
There is some kind of movement
Between us
A movement I've never felt
It's different now
I don't love her and
I'm trying to let you in
You are the fire
To my cold winter night
You don't know how much
I've longed for your smooth touch

I tried to write a song about you
But no words could come out
I'm getting sick of getting high
And drunk with all my friends
And darling
I'm scared
And darling
I'm scarred
I don't want to be alone anymore
I don't want to feel this way
I told you I was moving on
But I wish you would stay
I'm getting tired
And the nights are getting longer
I wish that you would stay
Stay the night with me
I can make you feel whole again
I can kiss your scars
And I wish you would stay

"You sick little kid
With your head in the toilet
Are you proud of what you've done?

You crazy ******* child
You didn't eat again
You've been taking my diet pills
Haven't you?

You've ruined this family!
You're making me break!
You're just one big ****** mistake! "

"Mother it's not like that!
I swear
I never meant to hurt you
You mean the world to me

Please don't give up on me
You're the only hope I've got
Mother please I love you
You're pushing me away!"

"You sick little kid
With your head in the toilet
Are you proud of what you've done?

You crazy ******* child
You didn't eat again
You've been taking my diet pills
Haven't you?

You've ruined this family!
You're making me break!
You're just one big ****** mistake! "

"Mother it's not like that!
I swear
I never meant to hurt you
You mean the world to me

Please don't give up on me
You're the only hope I've got
Mother please I love you
You're pushing me away!"

I kissed a girl with strawberry lips,
And she didn't taste bitter,
Like all the boys from the past.

I drove with a girl at night,
And I couldn't stop watching
Her eyes wander left and right.
What was she thinking?

I saw a girl with tears running down
Her face and wrists.
I kissed her until I was out of breath,
But I knew I couldn't save her.

I slept with a girl
Who had scars on her body,
And I read each one like a book.

I fell in love with a girl,
And I cried for hours
Because I tried to fix her
Instead of saving myself.

I kissed a girl with strawberry lips,
And

She didn't love me back.

first kisses don't matter, only last.

It's been exactly one week
Since we said our goodbyes
I blocked you out of my life

I stopped myself the other day
As I realized
I was beginning to tell a story about you

During the past week
I've walked through the fires of hell
I sat high upon the clouds
I fell down a rabbit hole

I woke up

It's been a few days
Since I've felt the urge to talk to you
I'm trying to erase you
But you live within my skin

i'm sorry that i cannot get you out of my head and i know it's been two years but you still haunt my dreams and i'm scared that you're completely forgetting that we ever happened and it really ***** that you gave me so much to remember and i gave you so much to forget

I feel the world shifting
Beneath me
And I stop to feel
The wind brush against
My rose tinted cheeks
I let myself become engulfed
In the romance
That has settled in the ground
For a minute I forget where I am
Because every single bug and flower
Captivates my thoughts
I'm inhaling Spring
And I let out a sigh of relief -
Exhaling Winter

How can I be so quick
To try to end myself
When I'm scared of what will happen
After I see the last drop of daylight

An eternity
Six feet underground
I'm worried that I will be somewhere
Far away from my body
Watching as I decompose
Looking at my skeleton as worms crawl
Over the bones
The bones that were once mine

I want to stay alive

This was the summer of cold showers
Rinsing off the sins of yesterday
Feeling reborn as the water rushes over your fragile body
This was the summer of friendship
Making friends
Losing friends
Finding out where you really stand with people
You once called your 'best friend'
This was the summer of freedom
3am comes and you're driving down the highway
Feeling like you've never really lived before
This exact moment
This was the summer of questions
Who am I?
Who are you?
Why do I still think of you?
This was the summer of sparks
Whether it be the spark of the lighter
While you light what you said
Would be your last bowl
Or the spark you felt
When you finally got to sleep next to
The person you've been dreaming of for years
This was the summer of 2014
And I cherished every moment of it

I was at a ****** place
When I was 89 pounds
I was a cloud
Floating above the ground

I was at a even worse place
At 95 pounds
I could feel the weight of the world
Pushing me down

Now,
My breath can hardly mutter a laugh
I am a rock falling to the ground
But I am not strong
At nearly 110 pounds
I am the saddest I have ever been