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MD Feb 2015
that was the summer my mom quit her job. she had to stay home with me because i wouldn't stop crying and dripping blood on the carpet.

that was the summer i started smoking cigarettes because tobacco tasted better than the ghost of your lips on mine.

that was the summer i didn't leave my room. i was afraid to see the world. i was mostly afraid to see you again.

that was the summer my dad tried to unload his gun in my head. he said he did it out of love. i think he was scared.

that was the summer you broke my heart. you told me i was too difficult to love. it's been years since i've last held you but i still can't seem to forget the feeling of my hands on your waist.

that was the summer i wish i spent kissing you

that was the summer i wish you didn't leave.
MD Sep 2014
You spoke to me in miracles
One after the other
I'd always been so sure
Of who I am and what I do
But you walked into my life
Made a mess
And left

You engraved your name
Into my tongue
So now I spew out words of hate
And drown myself in fear
I tripped into your arms
And you spit venom into my bloodstream

And I still flinch
And I still quiver

It's been 27 months
And I still don't know what to do

It's been 27 months
And I still bawl at the thought of you
2am
MD Sep 2013
2am
I am in love
With the 2am
Conversations
I have with a ghost
I whisper to the walls
Telling them to let me go
But they do not reply
They hold me tightly
Preparing me to attack
And this time
I'm not holding back
MD Jul 2014
It's 5 o'clock in the morning and I am in deep. Reading the texts I sent you last night was hard, I poured my feelings onto your lap and you didn't reply, you pushed all my care for you aside. I am now sitting in my room with the thought of you ever wanting me back rushing through my head. I'm thinking next time (if you ever give me a next time) will be different. We've both grown; physically, emotionally, intellectually. I know that I can't cram all my problems down your throat and expect you to always have the right answers to my stupid questions. I don't know what you ever saw in me but I'm hoping you'll see it again. I can't say I love you, because honestly, I don't know who you are anymore. But I am wishing that someday you will let me back in and allow me to get to know that person underneath your shell of armor.
MD Dec 2014
I'm so sorry
I didn't have
Another choice
Don't feel bad
It wasn't your fault
It was mine
I have no one to blame
For my actions
Besides myself

I know I was loved
It wasn't enough

I needed more help than I got
I couldn't fail 8th grade
Mom
You knew my life was
Coming to an end

I had no choice
I was alone
So alone

Every day got worse
And worse
I'm not a fighter
I was wasted money
And added stress
I was a burden

You'll thank me some day
MD Jun 2014
I tried to explain to you
That I didn't want to talk
That it physically made me sick
To think about spilling out all my details
And you responded with something along the lines of
"I know, but..."
But you don't know
You have never felt the limitation of my skin
You don't know how difficult it is to sleep
Or eat
Or live
You don't know
You don't know
MD Jan 2014
I don't want romantic relationships
Or sadness that consumes me
I don't want to feel dead all the time
I want dancing
Bottles of whiskey
And shady motels
I want late nights in the car
With all the windows rolled down
Screaming loud for everyone to hear
I want crazy parties
I want to feel alive again
MD Oct 2014
I screamed and called out
But no one seemed to hear
I was a child
Filled with fear

12 years old
There was a gun to my head
Where was my mom?
Do you think she'd believe me when I told her
The terrible thing Daddy did?

It's been many years
And I still live with him, my father
I want to scream and make him leave
But I don't even bother
It was so much pain I had suppressed
Why tear out the stitches?
I tell him that I love him
And I think I really mean it
He said what he did was out of love and fear
But it didn't seem to me
Like he was scared to shoot his daughter
MD Mar 2014
Early morning
I awoke from my deep sleep
I tumbled out of bed
And tripped over my sheets
I manage to make it to the living room
Mother is asleep on the chair
Father is in bed
They had another fight last night
They said this is the end
I don't know why their words
Did not shake nor rattle my mind
They've said it all before
Way too many times
I look throughout the house
I'm trying to find something nice
But I realize that I'm always alone
And this will always be my life
MD Apr 2014
I tried to move on, I swear I did. But every time I held her waist I didn't feel the tingle that I get with you, and every time I kissed her I didn't taste the sweetness that appeared when you and I kissed. She didn't want to read poetry with me, she didn't get it like you did. She didn't understand why I laughed every time I saw the bronzer stain on my carpet, or why the basement wasn't a safe place anymore. She doesn't understand who am I like you do - like you did.
MD Jul 2013
Someone please save me
The car was going so fast
I kissed the bumper
MD Jan 2014
I didn't read for a long time
It reminded me too much of you
Every book I picked up
Felt like a shard of glass
Piercing into my stomach

I've spent quite some time
Trying to figure out
Why you would leave me
What I did wrong

It wasn't until a month ago
Nearly two years after the breakup
That I figured out
I didn't do anything wrong
I loved and loved
But you weren't ready

I feel as though
If we were to meet for the first time
Today
Things will be different
Maybe we could have made this last

I spent months
Trying to avoid anything that reminded me of you
But that meant shutting the world out
I threw my books everywhere
I couldn't take the pain

I started reading a new book today
I'm trying to heal
MD Apr 2015
i. i've grown up to believe that beauty comes in one size; skinny.

ii. everything i've ever been taught about being beautiful comes from girls in magazines, wearing skin tight, size 0 jeans.

iii. according to these standards, i was beautiful at one point in my life.

iv. i gained a lot of weight during my recovery from anorexia. according to these standards, i am no longer pretty.

v. when the world looks down on those over 100 pounds, i feel defeated, like all my time and money spent on makeup and hair products and designer clothes means nothing.

vi. but there are days i still look in the mirror, and i see beauty in the reflection. i see hope in my once tired eyes, i see a reality to my smile.

vii. there are days i still look in the mirror and remember what i learned in that hospital in wisconsin. i remember my heart issues, i remember crying at the dinner table.

viii. i remember being dizzy, i remember being ill. i remember that being pretty is not restricted to a shape or size. i remember the day i chose to live without fear of the world.

ix. so now i'm walking down the street in my crop top, my belly flopped over the top of my shorts, i am standing tall. i am beautiful.
MD May 2016
i woke up today thinking about almonds

on the bus to school i heard the crunching of their shell
breaking between the teeth of a chubby little girl
and i grasped at the corners of my binder
until my palms were dripping blood

my mouth watered to the thought of muffins in algebra

the teacher called on me and the kids laughed
when i didn't respond
but i'm sure they've never heard
such a shrill silence

i cried about pasta while my family ate dinner

my mom's eyes never looked so dull
as she asked me if it was her cooking i didn't like
and i cringed as she touched my shoulder
and told me i felt cold

i went to bed thinking about my weight

i peeled back the fat of my stomach
to see if there was any part of myself left
inside this hollow shell
i called a body

i blacked out tonight

i could hear my skull smash
against the white tiles of my bathroom floor
but you can't feel anything
when you're weightless
MD Sep 2013
My head is filled with balloons
My flowers grow upside down
The trees are starting to sprout
In my legs
My toes are filled with chilled metal
The weigh me down
I'm glad I have my metal toes
Because sometimes the balloons in my head
Bring me much too high in the air
MD Jan 2015
In the summer of 2012
I loved a girl with brown eyes
And an obsession with
Everything bad for her

How could I expect her to save me
If she couldn't save herself?

In the beginning of 2015
I met a girl with blonde hair
And her only obsession
Was love

She had already saved herself
And I was healing

If I do end up
Loving this blonde haired girl
I swear it will be different

I will not attach my feelings
To each word she speaks to me
I will love in full

She doesn't smoke
She doesn't drink
But we get high off
Each other's laughter
And we get drunk on
Each other's words

If I do end up
Loving this blonde haired girl
I swear our love will be raw

To the girl with brown eyes;
I needed alcohol to love you

To the girl with blonde hair
And eyes wide like the ocean;
I will love you
Unconditionally
MD Mar 2016
i blamed you
for the large scar on my wrist
and the way i can't
hear that dumb song
without crying

i blamed you
for ruining my life
and causing me
to push everyone
away

because it was easier
blaming you for everything

and i couldn't admit to myself
that i was the one
breaking my own heart

and sometimes
i find myself awake at night
wondering if i am the reason
you believe you're a bad person

did i cause those gashes
on your thighs

i'm sorry


i still love you
MD Jan 2014
Maybe I'm going insane
The medicine is working anymore
It's 4am and I'm screaming your name

Maybe I'll just run outside
I don't care how cold it is
I need to feel something
Besides this ******* numbness

My hands are shaking
My head is spinning
Am I high?

I see you on my ceiling
You're telling me to go
Eventually I just
Go
MD May 2018
when our two tragedies met,
we created a storm.

it was you and me against the world,

but eventually there was nothing left to tear down
besides each other.

what's a hurricane without the wind?

I let you engulf me.
MD Jan 2014
You said you were sorry
That you left without notice
Just by saying that
You healed a wound inside of me
I was sure would be open forever

I threw away a lot of stuff
I'm growing much too old
It's hard to say goodbye to things
I've grown accustomed to

I found a lot of stuff
While searching through my room
A full bottle of pills
A few razor blades
****** tissues
****** notes
I threw them all away

I suppose
This is just a part of growing up
I have to learn to let go
Because change will not hurt me
Deep down I know that's true

Nothing has changed in so long
These part two years
I've remained the same

I'm ready to let myself grow
MD Dec 2014
It is Wednesday night
There is a sheet of snow
Covering the shivering streets
And I'm sitting in bed
And I'm wondering how
The strongest of promises
Can be made broken
By a simple misunderstanding

It is Wednesday night
This time
Last Year
I was scribbling your name
On a piece of wrinkled paper
Titled "Christmas List"

And you were
Howling at the sky about
How hard it is to cope
With the fact that
You were strong
But the weight of the world
Was stronger
MD Dec 2013
When I was young
My mother would find
Creative ways to write back
To my letters to Santa

I didn't know it was her
Because when I went to bed
The cookies and milk were not touched
The carrot for the reindeer was still sitting there

When I was young
I believed that there were things
In this world that were not
Explainable
That there was some kind of
Magic

Around the age of 7
My friends started to tell me
That there is no Santa
That this was all a hoax
I believed them

I asked mother about it
She told me the truth

Suddenly
All the magic
That I ever believed in
Had disappeared

I realized
That life was not
Full of magic
Or beauty
But instead
Full of people
Always needing an explanation
For every thing

People on this dreaded planet
Have taken away
All senses of hope
And all the magic
That ever existed
(Did it ever exist?)
MD Sep 2013
I want to whisper my secrets to you
In a silent smoke filled room
I want to kiss your neck
And watch as you
Inhale that ******* cigarette
MD Sep 2013
"Do you ever think about dying"
You whispered to me
As I had my hand down your pants
Maybe this isn't poetry
But, ****, the way your brain works
Is poetic to me
MD Dec 2013
This is not a dream
I am here
I exist
If I scream, people will help
My heart is beating
My soul has not withered away
Nothing is fine
But I'll be okay
MD Feb 2014
The sun
Doesn't shine
The moon
Doesn't glow
I breathe
In such an odd pattern
People ask
If I'm okay

I cannot see
Each time I stand
The blackness closes in
The kitchen is calling
Trying to drag me back
There is
No more light
Only the
Blackness of night
MD Feb 2014
Please be careful with what you say
I know you're tired of walking on eggshells
For a girl who doesn't care
But you are the only opinion
That truly matters to me
Please be careful with what you say
Don't tell me to *******
Because one day
I might
And that scares me half to death
But you're exhausted of me
I'm making you go insane
I really want to leave
I want to hide
In the giant hole
I've dug for myself
MD Dec 2013
Sunday afternoon
Newspaper in my hand
Thirty recent local deaths
How long until I'm on this page?
How long until I waste away?
There's been so many nights
That I thought were my last
There's been so many tears
And so many laughs
I fold up the newspaper
And take a sip from my mug
Why spend my life
Wondering how much time
I have left?
MD Jan 2014
The monster inside me
Won't leave me alone
It controls all my thoughts
And has made me its home
I've tried drugs and to bleed
For awhile they'd work
But on my mind they would feed
In my heart they'd lurk
These demons won't go
No matter how I try
My self esteem's low
And this may be my last goodbye
MD Oct 2013
It's a constant battle
That's been going on
For years now
And to put it simply
I'm dying

My insides are beginning
To shrivel and weep
My soul is no longer
Alive
Even my once glimmering eyes
Have gone grey
With hatred

It's a lot easier
To just give up
Because everyone knows
That this illness
Will take your life
At some point
MD Sep 2013
And it just really *****
Because I've been dead for years
Then I met you
And I felt alive
And glad to be alive
Then you stopped caring
Perhaps you didn't
Care at all
As cliche as this whole
**** poem is
I don't even care
Because now that you don't care
I'd give anything
For one more taste of those
Lips.
MD Jul 2013
It's such a pity
That we spent so many drunken nights
Holding hands
And kissing each others scars
All for it
To come to a sudden hault
Because you met a girl
With not so many faults
MD Jul 2013
It's 2 in the morning
Raining
And I am tattooing
Your name across my chest
Obsessions
Call it what you will
Perhaps a hunger
For something deeper
Than human intellect
Can achieve
MD Jan 2015
i. We set up a tent in your backyard and spent the night with the bugs. You told me you would love me forever. It’s been three years and you can’t even look at me. It should hurt to look at you, but it doesn’t, it brings back that night in your tent. The look of your face with that little flashlight swinging back and forth was enough to know I loved you.
ii. The first time we hung out together, when we were officially a couple, you sent me a text when you were walking beside me. It asked if you could hold my hand. I wish I would’ve read that text before we finished our walk. I’d give anything to get that text again.

iii. Do you remember the few days we spent at my grandmother’s house? Do you remember making promises to me in the middle of the night? You were so drunk, but I thought being drunk made you more honest. I guess I was wrong.

iv. You started doing drugs after we broke up. I started doing drugs too. I think you take them to have fun, I take them to forget your face for an hour or two. I don’t know if you even remember the shape of my face.

v. Do you remember the night when you wanted to **** yourself? It was midnight and I still came over to make sure you were okay. I spent the night holding you. I would still do that again, but you found other people to take my place.

vi. My mom warned me about boys who smoke and sag their pants, but never about a girl with brown eyes and a withering soul.

vii. You never want to talk to me anymore. I shouldn’t want to talk to you either, you put me through hell, I’m still trying to put out the flames. I cry sometimes because when I talk about you to my friends, I say each word with love. When you talk to your friends about me, each word spews hate out of your mouth.

viii. I’m trying to forget about you, but you gave me so much to remember. I’m sorry I can’t find a way to forget about you. I know you wish I’d leave, maybe someday I will.
MD Jul 2014
Empty bodies trapped in coffins
Their souls want to escape
One after the other
The breathless people go into the funeral home
Into the ground
Into the dark
Perhaps there have been one too many deaths
Too many relics left
I'm beginning to deteriorate from the inside-out
Mother speaks to me about how someday
I will be at her funeral
Weeping into my makeup drenched tissues
I can't find the guts to tell her
It will be the other way around

I lay awake in my coffin
Waiting for my family to bury me
Along with all my thoughts and doubts
I am no longer breathing
For a few hours I am another empty body
And it doesn't hurt
Oh god for once
I do not hurt

I wake up
MD Jul 2013
Each time
I inhale you
You exhale me
You're starting to figure me out

Maybe I'm not
The evil you swore I was
But I am not
The greatness
I came off to be

I'm just a girl
Smoking my cigarettes
Listening to my music
Loving you eternally
MD Sep 2013
"Eventually I just got tired
Of the same hell everyday"

"It got to the point where
I wanted to die."

"Die. Am I the only one who thinks
Of peace when they hear that word?"

"I want to die"

"Give me my old life back"

"My wrists are burning from all the cuts"

"I will **** myself, don't think I won't"

"What is this? An anxiety attack?"

"Death seems like my only option"
MD Jul 2013
The darkness is back
And I fear it's here to stay
The fire in my eyes
Has dulled to a gentle roar
I want to move mountains
With the pull I feel towards you
But the blackness has reappeared
And you don't seem to care
MD Sep 2013
I used to have such a strong
Connection to nature
So strong that
Plants
Began to grow in my head
There were vines running through
My wrists
People laughed at my plants
So I began to cut them
Starting with my vines
Until the flowers in my head
Began to lose their color
And all that was left
Was my grey face
And dead eyes
MD Feb 2014
When I was growing up
My mother taught me
That America was a free country
And I could be as free as possible

Then you add in laws
And moralities
And eyes that stare you down
For expressing your opinion

This is not a free country
This is not a free world

If it was
Maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped
Inside my own skin
MD Sep 2013
Faded
I found myself on the floor
My friend was in the bathroom
Getting her own ***** washed off of her
My best friend and her boyfriend
Were upstairs
******* each other
The rest of the people
Were in the kitchen
Cleaning up the puke
I stumbled over to them
I asked if they needed help
They told me to take my best friend home
We had to walk
Because we were too drunk to drive
I held onto her side
As we slowly tripped
Our way to her house
Once we arrived
We laid down in bed
Took our medicine
That keeps us sane
And fell towards a gentle rest
MD Sep 2013
This in an apology letter
To anyone whose ever left me
Because I was too
Nosy
Obsessive
Clingy
I'm so ******* sorry
And I wish I could say that I've changed
And I wish I could say you can come back now
But I'm still the exact same
I wish someone could break down the wall of my obsession
And see that there's actually a person there
With feelings
A person who tries so hard to hold onto people
Because I know what it feels like when everyone leaves
This is an apology letter
To you
For not showing that my true intentions
Were not to annoy you
But to make sure you know
That I would always care about you
MD May 2014
I tried letting you go
But you left footprints
On everything I own

I can't go in my room
Without seeing that *******
Stain on my carpet
I can't sleep in my basement
Or play ping pong anymore
I can't even write ******* poetry
Without you somehow
Creeping into my words
You want me to leave so badly
Why would you leave so many memories?

You're selfish and ******
But you know
I am too
You're a liar and a crier
And I love that about you
MD Sep 2013
Sometimes my words don't make sense
Like when I try to explain
How I've been dead for 2 years
Or when I try to say
That lately I've been drowning
In a sea full of darkness
Talking has never been
One of my talents
So I keep quiet
I observe
I wait
I wonder
MD Dec 2014
I've always wanted to write a book
And fill the pages with my deepest secrets
Then spread it across the world
So I will no longer feel the weight of my past

I've always wanted to write a book
So I told myself to write every day
Even when I sat for hours
Forcing these worthless words out of my fingertips

I've always wanted to write a book
But I am not an author
If writing one ******* poem
Is so difficult to accomplish

I've always wanted to write a book
So I'll give myself time
And let my experiences jump
From my mind
To my hands
To the paper
Instead of forcing out these
ineffective rhymes

I've always wanted to write a book
So I will
MD Feb 2014
That's it
That was the end

It was so difficult to say goodbye
To what I feel
Is the love of my life

You wanted me to go
And I want to make you happy
So I left

The flowers that began to bloom inside me
Suddenly turned to dust
They crumbled the moment
I said farewell

My flowers died
Im a little bit shocked
Can you die of a broken heart?
MD Apr 2016
Hi, my name's Anorexia

That's not my birth name
But that's what people know me as -
The skeleton walking through the hallways
Emotionless eyes and burning wrists

Hi, my name's Anorexia

The girls ask me,
"How many calories did you eat this week?"
I rattle off the numbers
They think it's a game

Hi, my name's Anorexia

My favorite hobbies include:
Fainting
Heart palpitations
Hospital trips
And weekly blood drawings

Hi, my name's Anorexia

And im dying
MD Aug 2013
I want to go back to the time
When whiskey flamed my taste buds
When darkness was all I was
And all I had were cigarette butts
I want to go back
To the blackest of days
When all was wrong
And my thoughts were astray
Hmm
MD Jul 2013
Hmm
Ever since the day you left
The day you said goodbye
There's been a hole in me
A giant void of sorts
That could only be filled
With mindless encounters
And drugs to help me survive
But I have found a new crutch
To help me
Mend a broken soul
That im not sure
Was ever whole.
MD Jan 2014
Don't scream
The dark can't stay forever
Lay your head on me
I know your heart is severed

Don't cry
In the end you'll be okay
Let me carry some of your weight
I am here to stay

Don't worry my darlings
You don't need to weep
I am always here for you

Don't scream
Don't scream
Don't scream
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