I can see you creeping back inside me
                                          
                                         You have to stay away
                                                                                    I know I'm not strong enough
To fight you off again
                                                              You've made me fragile

I used to be a beautiful frame
                                                        
                                                           But you clawed through my glass

                                I am no longer a pretty picture

I am shards of what used to capture

                                                                             A beautiful scene

I'm not sure
What series of events
Lead up to us meeting
To us kissing
To your face in my hands
And your body sealed against mine
But I'm glad it happened
And I believe
That if it wasn't for you
So carelessly walking into my life
I would not be the happy person
I am now
I will never forget you
And I will always love you

No one really understands
And even if I wanted to talk about it
I'm afraid no words would come out
Of this quivering mouth
I don't know how I'm feeling
I don't know if I'm feeling anything
The world is in orbit
And it will remain alive and well
Even if I'm long gone

Maybe this is what people call relapse
Maybe it's my hormones
These feelings never went away
Everyday I apply a new face
And put up the barriers to my soul
No one can see this

No one can know

A girl about seven
Sits still - full of doom
It's 2 in the morning
And she's scared to leave her room

A ghostly girl with bad intentions
A skeleton made of gold
She filled the air with a cold infection
And let the people mold

They didn't believe her when she was small
So maybe now they'll listen
A ghost haunting the walls
Of a place she once called home

You came at a time
When I was sure
I was all I had left

I'm scared
To let you in
So you can see
That nothing has changed
Since last year

I'm still stuck
In this cycle of sadness
I cannot seem to break through
The dark clouds above my head

You came back into my life
And you filled something
I was so positive would stay
Empty forever

A mother dead
A father broken
Children breaking down

A foggy night
A last goodbye
They never made a sound

No one's okay
No one will speak
There are no words left to say

No more hugs
No more fun
No more light of day

A white glass plate
A small white lie
All spilled out before me
I tried to piece them
Back together
But I cut my tongue
On the shards of broken promises
Like a bible page
I was torn so easily

A destructed book
Words were ripping at the seams

I threw you in the fire
And I burnt down my home
Because your sentences mean nothing
If you never show your face

She left roses where she touched me
She also left thorns
My soul is sore
My heart is torn

I thought she had made
An irreversible mess
But you came along
And as you slipped off my dress

I breathed deep
In and out
With every touch
A new flower would sprout

Now I know love doesn't last
And I'm not expecting it to
And I know that these new flowers
Will soon turn to thorns too

I watched you gasp for breath
As the waves consumed your being
I tried to grab your hand
But you were already six feet under

I dove into the water
I found you sinking there
You saw me but your eyes were dead
You didn't even flinch

I tried to pull you up
But there were anchors on your feet
Did you put them there yourself?

I wish I could say
I was the one who detached the weight
The one who pulled you to shore
But this was not my doing

You saw some sort of light
At the end of this nightmare
You found the hope and courage
To tear the anchors apart

I hope you're standing in the sun
Enjoying it now even more
You didn't lose your way
You just took a detour

(I'm glad you're back on track)

he was the first apartment you get after moving out of your parents'.

it was your home, but not really.

it was comforting, but it wasn't familiar.

sometimes i miss the way he smelled when i had my lips pressed against his neck.

sometimes i drink until i forget the name of the cologne he wore.

You asked me why I'm sad
I wanted to explain to you
That we are all dying
Everyday I fall closer to the end point
That someday all the flowers that we love
And all the people that we love
Will be gone
All that will be left
Is you and your loneliness
An eternity
In a dark endless pit
I wanted to explain this to you
But I couldn't find the right string of words
To make you understand

I know what I'm doing is wrong
But you left
And now I don't know where to turn
I'm sorry that I wasn't enough
The thought of you still burns
I didn't want things to turn out this way
But I took a wrong turn
And now I'm here
Giving myself to anyone
Who pretends to care

I am at a constant war with myself
And it's not because I don't see myself
The way others see me
It's because I see myself
Exactly how others see me
When I talk to someone
I can see how obnoxious and intrusive
I am
But I do not have the power to stop myself
I try so ******* hard to hold on to people
Because I know that someday they're going to leave
And maybe I'm holding on too tight
Maybe I'm pushing them away unintentionally
But I just care so much about people
More than I care for my own self
I especially care about you
But you do not care about me
I am a real person
With valid feelings
And it's about **** time that someone
Actually gives a ****
About me

I wrote to you
Every night
Things you would read
But never respond to
Things you would see
But never hold on to

Sometimes I look up
To the moon
And whisper to you
We used to be able
To communicate through the stars
At night

You don't want me here
And trust me
I don't want to be here
Because it ******* hurts
Watching you hate me
When all I've ever done
Was love you
But I still find myself
Writing these ****** poems
About your dumb face

There's really nothing left to say
I wanted to fill every page with you
But you left before I could finish a paragraph
I spent years
Trying to finish the story
With you in every aspect
But I'm turning over the page
This love
Or whatever it was that we had
Is not a semicolon
There is nothing left to be written about you

I've found a new reason
To fill up the pages
Even if it's only
For a few chapters

Those pills I swallowed
Were supposed to do the job
Supposed to wash me away
Take me to somewhere safe
Instead
I found myself in a large hospital room
With nurses and doctors
Surrounding me
I did what I was told
And I recovered as well
As I possibly could
I'll never purposely
Try to hurt myself again
But when I'm walking alone
I don't know if
I can control
The urge to walk
Right in front
Of that car

It has been exactly 605 days since we broke up

You asked me out on May 29th, 2012.
It is just now
That I realized what a short amount of time
Our relationship lasted

Most would say I'm obsessed
Because you can't really love someone
After you've dated for only a week

But we had be best friends for a year
And I loved you from the beginning

From June 2nd, 2012
to the present day
I have watched myself die
A thousand times

But I keep reviving myself
For you
Maybe someday you'll want me
Like you used to

Psychology has taught me a few things

i. There was no love radiating from her like I thought, sometimes our memories are not always accurate.
ii. Therapists care about me the same amount they care about their other patients, they want to get into your head and solve your problems because it's interesting to them. They don't truly care.
iii. The next time you look in the mirror and wonder who you really are, remember that personality is thought of in many different ways. There are so many different groups of people that all think of personality different. You're the only one who knows who you are.

Holding together
All these broken fragments
Of what was once a living person
Forcing myself to keep going
I'm almost at the finish line

Things are getting blurry again
I found myself trembling
As I fell to the floor
I've already given up
But I can't let that show
My mother wouldn't be pleased
With this girl she doesn't know

Two years
Two ******* years
Crying-
Drowning in self pity

I am no longer
Willing to let the
Walls close in
Or to speak
To the ghosts

I have found
The sun
And it's bright
Oh it's brilliant

I do not fear
The unknown
Nor fear for hurting
Myself

I spent two years
Crying over myself
Crying because
The "right" people
Didn't care

But really
Who are the
"Right" people?

I was lost at sea
For so **** long
And I have the scars
To prove it

But I swam
To the shore
And laid on the
Beach
And found myself again
In the swaying
Of the waves

April 15th, 2014
It snowed today for the first time in weeks. Is this an omen? I knew I could feel a certain darkness creep over me once more. School started at 8 o'clock this morning, I left at 8:30. It's magnificent and terrifying how feelings come and go and you cannot control it. No one can really control their emotions, they can only neglect them. My feelings are a rollercoaster and I'm afraid of heights. I fear to feel. The way I behave never seems to be good enough. It's tiresome when you work so hard for so long but your job is still not done. Will I ever get a break? Will I ever get to sleep? Maybe when I'm dead.

I went to church last Sunday to pray for you to love me again. I don't believe much in anything, but I pretended like I knew someone (something?) was listening. I cried in the back row of the sanctuary throughout the whole service. I went home and with my church clothes still on, I laid in bed and prayed once more. This time I felt something painful in my chest, I threw my phone against the wall as I screamed for somebody to listen. Why doesn't anyone listen? You took a large portion of me with you, I know that's such a cliche saying but I feel it's true. Something is missing from me. I want you to come back to me, your heart is my home and dear god am I homesick.

You told me you'd much rather wither
Than spend another day of wasted time
I shifted my glance to the other direction
I felt a chill send signals down my spine
You left without a warning
I gave you whatever was left of me
And you said I didn't try