I've always wanted to write a book
And fill the pages with my deepest secrets
Then spread it across the world
So I will no longer feel the weight of my past

I've always wanted to write a book
So I told myself to write every day
Even when I sat for hours
Forcing these worthless words out of my fingertips

I've always wanted to write a book
But I am not an author
If writing one ******* poem
Is so difficult to accomplish

I've always wanted to write a book
So I'll give myself time
And let my experiences jump
From my mind
To my hands
To the paper
Instead of forcing out these
ineffective rhymes

I've always wanted to write a book
So I will

I used to have such a strong
Connection to nature
So strong that
Plants
Began to grow in my head
There were vines running through
My wrists
People laughed at my plants
So I began to cut them
Starting with my vines
Until the flowers in my head
Began to lose their color
And all that was left
Was my grey face
And dead eyes

As I pull out my last cigarette
I let out a muffled sigh
I have no money left
To feed my selfish pride
I light the **** thing
And inhale as I cry
The smooth taste of tobacco
The only thing I'll miss
When I die

Take another drag
As you pull my hair
I wonder if this is everything
Life has to offer

Pour another drink
With your hand up my skirt
Is this really who I am?

There are glasses of wine
Spilled on the carpet
And I think this couple
****** on my bed
I want everyone out
But I'll miss the company

There are carvings on my wall
And words etched into my mind
Light another cigarette
As you pull me from behind

Everyone's disappointed in me
I swear I thought I was free
There's really nothing left here
I want to leave

It's 4:42 am
And the walls are closing in
I'm whispering my last goodbyes
I cared way too much
Darling, I'm ready to die.

The ghost is pulling at my ankles
It's urging me to leave
I write my last love letter in blood
Ghost, please let me be.

Maybe I'm going insane
The medicine is working anymore
It's 4am and I'm screaming your name

Maybe I'll just run outside
I don't care how cold it is
I need to feel something
Besides this ******* numbness

My hands are shaking
My head is spinning
Am I high?

I see you on my ceiling
You're telling me to go
Eventually I just
Go

i. do not confuse love and obsession. love is only real if you have a connection on both sides of the relationship.
ii. it's okay to not always be happy. occasional sadness is healthy for the soul.
iii. life is not fair, at all. you can spend years thinking you're in love with someone while they spend years never thinking about you.
iv. do not treat yourself as others treat you. you are who you are, nothing will change that, you might as well love yourself.
v. love is rare. people get married all the time but that doesn't mean they love each other. sometimes we just get lonely.
vi. feed yourself. your body is a beautiful flower that you must fill with food and nutrients, why would you purposely try to destroy something so wonderful?
vii. maybe we were in love, maybe we weren't. either way we're *******. if we were in love then something must have torn us apart, but what? can it be fixed? if we weren't in love, which I'm guessing we weren't, you moved on to another girl who let you wither away.

I would never let my gorgeous flower wither.

Ever since the day you left
The day you said goodbye
There's been a hole in me
A giant void of sorts
That could only be filled
With mindless encounters
And drugs to help me survive
But I have found a new crutch
To help me
Mend a broken soul
That im not sure
Was ever whole.

I don't want romantic relationships
Or sadness that consumes me
I don't want to feel dead all the time
I want dancing
Bottles of whiskey
And shady motels
I want late nights in the car
With all the windows rolled down
Screaming loud for everyone to hear
I want crazy parties
I want to feel alive again

she wishes so badly to grip you in the palm of her hand

but i know that you are something much larger
than what can fit into a fist
you are something that cannot be contained into
a physical form
you are endless
you are elusive

you don't need someone
who believes only in the things they can physically see

you deserve someone as fleeting as yourself
someone ever changing
only then will you know the feeling of love

I don't know why bad things happen
But sometimes I look into a mirror
And I see a haunting in my eyes
There's a ghost of you inside me
You want to leave
I want you to leave
But somehow you have become incorporated
Into the home of my soul
I don't know why bad things happen
But I know they never happened
When I was with you