It's 9:00
On a sunday night
I am etching your name
Into the crevasses of my mind

I feel this has all happened before
Will the results stay the same?
Will I spend nights drenched in blood
Trying to forget your name?

There are so many reasons
To never get out of bed
So many reasons
To give up
But then I remember
The reasons to wake up
When I hear that song
It reminds me of that night
When I made out with a girl
On her couch
While she was in a relationship
I remember driving to the bad part of town
To pick up some drugs
I remember the exciting things
That make me feel so alive
But I also remember the days
Spent in bed
Rereading my favorite book
And writing notes to you
I remember the reasons
I remember the reasons
I remember the reasons

I'm not sure
What series of events
Lead up to us meeting
To us kissing
To your face in my hands
And your body sealed against mine
But I'm glad it happened
And I believe
That if it wasn't for you
So carelessly walking into my life
I would not be the happy person
I am now
I will never forget you
And I will always love you

"You sick little kid
With your head in the toilet
Are you proud of what you've done?

You crazy ******* child
You didn't eat again
You've been taking my diet pills
Haven't you?

You've ruined this family!
You're making me break!
You're just one big ****** mistake! "

"Mother it's not like that!
I swear
I never meant to hurt you
You mean the world to me

Please don't give up on me
You're the only hope I've got
Mother please I love you
You're pushing me away!"

I no longer wish
To be weightless

I want the weight of your body
On top of mine
And the weight of your heart
Intertwined with my soul  
I want the weight that comes
From loving too much
Caring too much
Wanting too much

You left on a Monday
Over a year ago

I still haven't given up

I was engulfed in the stars
As you pulled me onto your lap
My body was on the earth
But my head was in outer space
I laughed as we fumbled
Inside your car
Nights like these never get old
You kissed me and
I felt myself falling
From the realm of darkness
I was enclosed in

You kissed me and
I spent the rest of the night
Crying
Because finally someone cared

You kissed me and
I got a full night of sleep
For the first time in years

You kissed me
And I
Was among the clouds

You told me you'd much rather wither
Than spend another day of wasted time
I shifted my glance to the other direction
I felt a chill send signals down my spine
You left without a warning
I gave you whatever was left of me
And you said I didn't try

"Bleed!"
Cried the serpent
You're covered in black
The air so hot
It faintly stings
Pull apart your flesh
With the serpent's teeth
Quietly you fall
Into a brand new world
The blackness is gone
The serpent now sings
A few moments later
You're awake on the bathroom floor
Red silk surrounds you
Stick the teeth back
Into your stream

It's been exactly
One year
Eight months
And seven days
Since you were gone

I gave you my all
I'm going insane

You pushed me away
You spat my name

It's been exactly
Eighty-eight weeks
And one day
Since you cursed the ground I walked on

Sunday afternoon
Newspaper in my hand
Thirty recent local deaths
How long until I'm on this page?
How long until I waste away?
There's been so many nights
That I thought were my last
There's been so many tears
And so many laughs
I fold up the newspaper
And take a sip from my mug
Why spend my life
Wondering how much time
I have left?

April 15th, 2014
It snowed today for the first time in weeks. Is this an omen? I knew I could feel a certain darkness creep over me once more. School started at 8 o'clock this morning, I left at 8:30. It's magnificent and terrifying how feelings come and go and you cannot control it. No one can really control their emotions, they can only neglect them. My feelings are a rollercoaster and I'm afraid of heights. I fear to feel. The way I behave never seems to be good enough. It's tiresome when you work so hard for so long but your job is still not done. Will I ever get a break? Will I ever get to sleep? Maybe when I'm dead.

She was twelve years old
With a soul like heaven
And a mind like hell
She felt so ill
The devil and god
Were battling inside her body
She had nowhere to turn
If she was to pull the trigger
Put an end to the war inside
She would still end up seeing
Angels or hell
And quite frankly she was tired
It had been three nights since she last slept
The devil was tearing through her skin
God was killing her from within
The battle ended
The devil won
The heaven that was once her soul vanished
Hell has taken over her

I went to church last Sunday to pray for you to love me again. I don't believe much in anything, but I pretended like I knew someone (something?) was listening. I cried in the back row of the sanctuary throughout the whole service. I went home and with my church clothes still on, I laid in bed and prayed once more. This time I felt something painful in my chest, I threw my phone against the wall as I screamed for somebody to listen. Why doesn't anyone listen? You took a large portion of me with you, I know that's such a cliche saying but I feel it's true. Something is missing from me. I want you to come back to me, your heart is my home and dear god am I homesick.

I was looking out the car window
Watching as snow conquered the land
Who gave it the right
To mess up a perfectly beautiful scene?

I saw planes
But no stars
The stars don't come out to see me anymore
The planes were flying fast
How I wished I was on a plane
Traveling as far away from here as possible

The planes looked like little twinkling lights
They're starting to take place of the stars
When I was five
I used to look at the planes
And wish I was on one
Traveling as far away from here as possible

Some things never change

How can I be so quick
To try to end myself
When I'm scared of what will happen
After I see the last drop of daylight

An eternity
Six feet underground
I'm worried that I will be somewhere
Far away from my body
Watching as I decompose
Looking at my skeleton as worms crawl
Over the bones
The bones that were once mine

I want to stay alive

Please be careful with what you say
I know you're tired of walking on eggshells
For a girl who doesn't care
But you are the only opinion
That truly matters to me
Please be careful with what you say
Don't tell me to *******
Because one day
I might
And that scares me half to death
But you're exhausted of me
I'm making you go insane
I really want to leave
I want to hide
In the giant hole
I've dug for myself

It's cold outside
I think my thoughts have frozen over
Lately I've been in and out of reality
Sometimes I can't tell the difference

This winter has been so harsh
I'm losing people
I'm losing myself
(Am I even here right now?)

My once warm blood
Has suddenly turned to ice
It's too cold for me
To function
And I wish you were here
Like in the winter of 2011
When you slept on my floor with me
And we ate popcorn
While my brother hit on you

My head is spinning
I don't remember today
I don't remember anything
Besides that look on your face
When you told me you loved me

You were always so good at lying

January 26th, 2014

I died in front of you and you didn’t even flinch. Every single time I reached for you, you kicked me a little further into the fire. I screamed your name a thousand times and you ignored every call for help. A few months ago you swore you loved me and now you’re killing me. I spent a whole year in that fire, I was burnt and my soul had turned to ashes. However, that pit of hell couldn’t prepare me for what happened next. I thought the fire would end and I would die, everything would be over. But now I’m six feet underground and still waiting for you to dig me out.

I thought I could get over you
But I'm burning holes into my arm
With your favorite brand of cigarettes

I sleep with that ******* shirt
That's three sizes too big for me
With a neon tiger on the front
And I should think it's stupid
I should throw it away
But sometimes it still smells like you
And I find comfort in the torture

I thought you meant what you said
But your words are empty
And your eyes can fool anyone
When you tell them you love them

When you used to say my name
It was always with love
With a smile
You were so glad to know me

Now we are steps away
From falling off the face of the earth
And I desperately want to call your name
But I don't know what it means to me anymore

Now when you say my name
You spew hate into the once so lovely word
I still call for you sometimes
But you're too far away
To notice

January: nearly killed me
February: left me dead
March: I lost my soul
April: first time in the hospital
May: things started to go wrong
June: lonely nights
July: I found myself
August: lost myself again
September: doing better
October: skipping school
November: lost and dazed
December: darling help, I am afraid

i. i've grown up to believe that beauty comes in one size; skinny.

ii. everything i've ever been taught about being beautiful comes from girls in magazines, wearing skin tight, size 0 jeans.

iii. according to these standards, i was beautiful at one point in my life.

iv. i gained a lot of weight during my recovery from anorexia. according to these standards, i am no longer pretty.

v. when the world looks down on those over 100 pounds, i feel defeated, like all my time and money spent on makeup and hair products and designer clothes means nothing.

vi. but there are days i still look in the mirror, and i see beauty in the reflection. i see hope in my once tired eyes, i see a reality to my smile.

vii. there are days i still look in the mirror and remember what i learned in that hospital in wisconsin. i remember my heart issues, i remember crying at the dinner table.

viii. i remember being dizzy, i remember being ill. i remember that being pretty is not restricted to a shape or size. i remember the day i chose to live without fear of the world.

ix. so now i'm walking down the street in my crop top, my belly flopped over the top of my shorts, i am standing tall. i am beautiful.

I tried to fit the pieces together
As though love was a ******* puzzle
I begged you to stay
I had figured out the puzzle
The only problem is
Love is not a stupid game
There are no pieces to match together
I had thought too hard
I had loved too much
Was it really even love

Well
****
It must have been
Because it's been over a year
And I'm still not
Entirely
Over
You

when our two tragedies met,
we created a storm.

it was you and me against the world,

but eventually there was nothing left to tear down
besides each other.

what's a hurricane without the wind?

I let you engulf me.

I wrote to you
Every night
Things you would read
But never respond to
Things you would see
But never hold on to

Sometimes I look up
To the moon
And whisper to you
We used to be able
To communicate through the stars
At night

You don't want me here
And trust me
I don't want to be here
Because it ******* hurts
Watching you hate me
When all I've ever done
Was love you
But I still find myself
Writing these ****** poems
About your dumb face

I don't know when
I started to feel more
Than just wanting to be felt
But I knew it was something special
On friday night
When we were in the car
And you reached out
To hold my hand
I'm feeling something
Different now
Something I've never
Felt before
And it's confusing
But I don't mind
Because I'm happier now
Than I have been
In a long time

I can see you creeping back inside me
                                          
                                         You have to stay away
                                                                                    I know I'm not strong enough
To fight you off again
                                                              You've made me fragile

I used to be a beautiful frame
                                                        
                                                           But you clawed through my glass

                                I am no longer a pretty picture

I am shards of what used to capture

                                                                             A beautiful scene

I tried to explain to you
That I didn't want to talk
That it physically made me sick
To think about spilling out all my details
And you responded with something along the lines of
"I know, but..."
But you don't know
You have never felt the limitation of my skin
You don't know how difficult it is to sleep
Or eat
Or live
You don't know
You don't know

I'm not sure what's happening anymore, the snow still hasn't gone away. It's the first day of Spring, and that should make me happy, but this year it does not. Even last March, I still smiled at the hopes of Spring. This year, there was no smile. Things should be going very well, I'm in a dance class now and I've finally found the school that I can excel in. But nothing can bring a brightness to my dull eyes. I lost my mind ages ago, I don't know why this hurts so much; perhaps because I thought I found my sanity, but it was only a mere speck of light. The snow may melt and Spring may come, but this dark tundra that is roaring inside me will never wither.

It's been exactly one week
Since we said our goodbyes
I blocked you out of my life

I stopped myself the other day
As I realized
I was beginning to tell a story about you

During the past week
I've walked through the fires of hell
I sat high upon the clouds
I fell down a rabbit hole

I woke up

It's been a few days
Since I've felt the urge to talk to you
I'm trying to erase you
But you live within my skin

You're a gentle rain
I'm the pavement
That you so delicately kiss
Your lips will spread
Your teeth will bite
In the most heavenly way
There is some kind of movement
Between us
A movement I've never felt
It's different now
I don't love her and
I'm trying to let you in
You are the fire
To my cold winter night
You don't know how much
I've longed for your smooth touch