I let you have every piece of my soul

I swear if you asked

I'd let you swallow me whole

I knew one day you would leave
But I still couldn't have prepared myself
For the excruciating pain
That came from loving you

I recall nights spent in circles on my floor
With tears spilling from my eyes and wrists
I remember your face when you promised to stay
You seemed so sincere

Maybe you didn't mean for us to end that way
Maybe you thought we really would last forever
But I grew bitter
And you grew sicker
And the stitches that held us together
Began to rip from the seams

I tried to tell myself
That you would come back some day
That we would meet in a coffee shop
And know that losing touch was a mistake
But instead
I see you at parties
And through mutual friends
And I sleep in the same bed with you sometimes
But I'm not allowed to touch
Not allowed to kiss
Your body
So I sit on the edge of the bed
And listen to you breathe
You were always such a peaceful sleeper

I wish I would've known
That all the nights I spent bawling
And all the phone calls I'd make to you
Would not change the fact
That you don't love me
Anymore

So I feel like I should say sorry
For calling your mother at 3am
Just to see if she could get you to talk to me
I am sorry
For the nights I spent asking you
To come back
When I knew you didn't want to

I'm sorry
For bugging you
I'm sorry

that was the summer my mom quit her job. she had to stay home with me because i wouldn't stop crying and dripping blood on the carpet.

that was the summer i started smoking cigarettes because tobacco tasted better than the ghost of your lips on mine.

that was the summer i didn't leave my room. i was afraid to see the world. i was mostly afraid to see you again.

that was the summer my dad tried to unload his gun in my head. he said he did it out of love. i think he was scared.

that was the summer you broke my heart. you told me i was too difficult to love. it's been years since i've last held you but i still can't seem to forget the feeling of my hands on your waist.

that was the summer i wish i spent kissing you

that was the summer i wish you didn't leave.

Soon
I will be replacing the carpet in my room
Because I am tired of breaking
Each time I see
That ******* stain that you left

Soon
I'll be putting away that ping pong table
For the rest of my life
Because I can't stand to walk
Into my basement
And picture us under there
Talking
For hours

Soon
I'll throw away my wristband
From the water park we went to
In 2012
Because I cannot handle the tears
That come from sharing a bed with you

Soon
Every memory you left will be gone

And soon
I'll forget you

In the summer of 2012
I loved a girl with brown eyes
And an obsession with
Everything bad for her

How could I expect her to save me
If she couldn't save herself?

In the beginning of 2015
I met a girl with blonde hair
And her only obsession
Was love

She had already saved herself
And I was healing

If I do end up
Loving this blonde haired girl
I swear it will be different

I will not attach my feelings
To each word she speaks to me
I will love in full

She doesn't smoke
She doesn't drink
But we get high off
Each other's laughter
And we get drunk on
Each other's words

If I do end up
Loving this blonde haired girl
I swear our love will be raw

To the girl with brown eyes;
I needed alcohol to love you

To the girl with blonde hair
And eyes wide like the ocean;
I will love you
Unconditionally