She was a hideous
Animal
With a long snout
And sharp stained teeth
She crept quickly
In the darkness
Hissing at passerbys
Dragging her rat tail
Through filthy streets
She crossed right in front of me
Turned and hissed
I liked her
We had a lot in common

I was in my room
Opening the 2nd beer
Watching a light rain
While listening to the AM news
When I got a phone call
From an old friend
"Hey man, whatcha doin?"
"Just at home, havin some beers."
"**** man... Well we're going to the bar tonight man, You wanna ride along?"
I thought, not really.
But the radio was only screaming
"TERROR!"
And it was hard to dance to that
"Alright, I'm down man"
I was gonna see the fellas again
They had taken a long break
From me
They had seen me
Covered in blood
Naked and screaming
Wasting away in a small room
They deserved a break...
We were sitting around the bar
Talkin
"Whatcha been up to man?"
One had blacked out and fell
Down some stairs
He was sporting a broken arm
A missing tooth
He said "I been getting ***** like crazy cause of this! They say it gives me character."
I said "****, sounds like
a good gimmick."
Another had been unemployed for
4 years
He said "*******, I just dropped
$200 on a purse for my girl. Then this ***** asked for a matching $100 wallet!"
I said "Sounds about right, that's exactly why I've been alone for a year."
We laughed
I turned to the door
And saw another walking in
He saw me and dropped
his shoulders
Rolled his eyes
Clenched his jaw tight
I don't think he knew I would be there
He hadnt talked to me all year
After I'd insulted his girlfriend
He sat down at the stool
Farthest from me
We kept drinking
Then I got a text from a girl
Who had read my poems
She said I must be sad
Cause the poems were all stagnant
I thought about a mouthful of
Brown saliva
Where mosquitoes bred
Then chugged the rest of my beer
We decided to leave the bar
Bought a 24 and drove to
my buddies house
The one that hated me
Buddies?
I sat drinking at the house I was
Banned from
While lighting a cigarette
He cracked me in the jaw while I
Wasn't looking
I thought I probably deserved it
I decided not to swing back
Then chugged the rest of my beer
He said "YOUR A REAL ******* MAN! SHES NOT TALKING TO ME CUASE SHE KNOWS YOUR HERE! YOUR A MISERABLE ******* MAN!"
I sat and stared at him
Then he apologized
And put his arm around me
"Look man, I love you man, and I miss hanging out with you. I'm sorry I hit you, but I've been wanting to all year. I love that girl. I'm gonna marry her. You can't say **** like that to her! You've been out of control man."
I said "Well... I had a bad year..."
Then another buddy started crying
And the beer was gone
I felt it was time to leave
I got home
Stripped down and
turned on the radio
I knew I wouldn't see the fellas
For a long time again
But
It was a pretty good
Night

First
She walked out
And I had to learn
That I was a coward
An orphaned lover
An old house cat
Abandoned
In a grocery store parking lot
I had to face it again
The emptiness
I smoked all of those nights
Away
I was numb
I was nothing
I lost 30 lbs in 2 months
Then it all caught up with me
One night my heart started beating
Rapidly
I couldn't breath
Started to shake
I sat in a corner and watched
The room grow ten times it's size
I heard a static crack in the ears
I was lost and unhuman
I was a rabid dog trapped in a corner
I felt sick for weeks after
So
I gave up the ***
Switched to drinking
Whole bottles of whiskey
128 lbs, shirtless, screaming
The fellas laughed at the beginning
Until I started throwing ****
Trying to fight everybody, anybody
I had 3 new catch phrases
"I'll ****** **** you man"
"I'll smash all your ******* teeth in"
"I've seen it all man."
After a while it became
Too much for the fellas
And soon they were all gone
So
I found better company
Dostoevsky, Fante,Bukowski,Hemingway,
Hamsun,Lorca,Sartre, etc.
I found a ****** apartment
in San Pedro
Drank beer and read every night
Until the loneliness felt comfortable
And then I
Accidentally
Became alcoholic
Then i took my wild act
To the streets
A few weeks ago I was at a concert
And this guy kept elbowing me
In the ribs
I said "If you keep sticking that elbow
To me, I'll ****** **** you man."
I said it cool and soft
And the guy looked real scared
And I was too
So
I had to quit drinking...
I keep thinking about
Zarathustra
Rising from his cave
After years of solitude...
A guy at work said
"November's almost gone
Man, this year just blew right by"
And I thought
'Good.'

If you're quiet
people tend to forget
that you're around
which is cool
if you like
to hear gossip
otherwise it's
kinda depressing
and often
annoying.

01:52 am
have you ever asked yourself like why you so lonely?*

01:53 am
or empty?

that maybe you give too much of your essence to people and never leave any of you for yourself

01:55 am
i know i do

02:05 am
and like that's maybe why i get so attached to humans

because in them,
i find myself

02:07 am
i need to change, because things shouldn't be this way

02:10 am
but it's hard sometimes you know, when most days you don't leave the house because you feel unworthy of the space you take up

02:16 am
so you'd much rather disintegrate into soil because you've become all too familiar with people stepping over you and admiring the outcome of your beauty but never the roots of your pain

02:19 am
i spend so much effort watering people in order for them to grow and hardly get enough sun shine to feed my own soul

02:25 am*
because i don't know how to do anything else but care for everyone but myself

what's wrong with you ?
they ask me all  the time.
i'm wrong  with me ,
i'm too much to live with .

because when she was young,

people would ask her

"what superpower,

do you wish for?"

so without any hesitation

she replied "invisibility."

and then,

and then she grew up realising

it came true.