oooo
i haven't written in a minute.

i talked to someone and the conclusion was if you got nothing
trapped inside
you got nothing to write about.

it seemed true.

i look back on my old writings,
full of angst and bad rhymes,
so much anger and sad.

i'm pretty happy these days,
and i guess it must be some sort of true
because i don't find myself drawn to writing.

but if i had something to say i would say

it's been nice getting to know this side of myself
i've been learning and growing and
i've been in awe of my capacity to exist
and exist better
of staying alive despite such a constant
urge to walk into passing cars
a lingering wonder of what
would happen if i just fell down these stairs.

i though the big sad was over and then i realized it just mutated,
this time is different because i'm taking my meds
every day if i can remember.

twenty two was so good and made so much sense,
but looking bad i still looked pathetic and depressed,
although definitely
Better.

now it feels like a job.
i attempt to say
"okay,
it is a possibility that i could fall down these stairs.
but it is just as likely that i'll make it all the way down
without any additional damage"
and wouldn't that be a good time?

stuck,
feeling a little fucky.

like i need a good ****
                    a good talk
                     a good beating.

how do you ask of your lover?
please make me cry.

dumb,
dubious of myself again,
making promises of possible futures
but words are words are words are words anything?

how am i real without bruises?
where are the things that i desire?
i want to hurt so bad that i forget i am alive.
probably a little loopy on the damage,
on the lovin,
on the lackin.

"ugh"
the tone in our talking to them.
sort of inexplicable,
it feels completely unavoidable.

first person i ever wished was a friend
but realized would never be anything other
than something to rebel against.

moms i love yous
your pain always a reminder that i have to be strong enough
to keep myself alive,

maybe that's why the resentment towards you,
when in my lowests i wanted to give up on all
you forced me to continue existing.

i still feel like a child or a teenager around you.
i have to battle the instincts to be mean to you,
as if you deserved it.

i break my own heart when i break yours,
but i can't help it.

como avanzo.

veo como me muevo
pero recuerdame
no tengo que seguir
haciendolo mismo.

tengo hoy día pa comportarme
como quisiese haberlo hecho anoche.

tengo hoy pa ser
quien he querido ser,
tengo mañana pa continuarle,
pa ver el fruto del nuevo andar le.

que tapó la falta en si
con un alguien.
me dejó pa dentro porque ahora
pienso
que es quizás
en lo que he estao,
aunque hace rato no me ignoro,
yigual me quiero.
y también,
acaso no merezco este cariño,
después de todo?
y sé que tengo que trabajarme,
pero igual me das el espacio,
aunque nos comemos el tiempo
y me cuestiono el silencio.

cuando me preguntes
"what are you thinking about?"

me gustaría decirte, de una,
te quiero, me gusta mucho tu sonrisa,
pero ya no la veo tanto.
i feel like you were closer in the beginning
warmer,
and




/
maybe i'll keep writing this when i see you again because these days apart are the most we've spent separate from each other since we met
and breathing is necessary,
not that i can't breathe with you more than often times i feel like i breathe so much better
even when it's so hot hiding in your shadows,
but a change of air is always good for the brain,
a new way to look at things,
separation from the infatuation of you.

i do miss you though.
/





but,
i would say, if i could be completely honest,
that i wouldn't mind falling in love with you,
that i feel like you're good for me
and even though i have hidden
i could be good for you too,
because i would love you with all of my heart if i could
do so just by deciding.
not that there's no love,
because getting there is too simple for me,
i could love you just for existing,
or a little bit more,
for your sweetness and your smile and your o so warm embrace.

i would answer all those sweet things you said so early on,
but i've been watching out for attaching myself because
my heart is very fragile
and i've been afraid to let you hold it,
because boys have been boys
and i feel you further away than before,
even though when we slept together that last night
we held onto each other all night,
through sweat and arms asleep.

i want you to touch me
without assistance,
i haven't felt your craving truly since we were so thirsty.
then it's been full sometimes
others lacking love or lust,
you still won't let me lose myself in you.

insufficiently you'd test the waters,
i'd take my time because you wouldn't heat me up
at the right temperature,
but i'd let you burn me if you could manage
to deliver the bruises i need to be on fire.
instead you keep me lukewarm,
either not entirely convinced about this,
or, what?

are we just dreaming about the idea of love together?
i know i've been trying to convince myself that we'll get there,
giving it time to develop,
but if you're rushing to get there
not enjoying this view
then what's the point of the journey anyways?

i want you to look into me
and let me see.