why does it still hurt so ******* much
when you mention other women in
your poetry i know i meant
nothing to you but it still hits hard
the way you adore someone else

this morning
        i chased my thoughts away
                       with physical pain
this afternoon
               i chased my pain away
                         with mental guilt
this night
               i chased my guilt away
                           with literal tears

cold
                                           not freezing cold
                                           just numb to everything
                                           i don't want to think about how
                                           you're thinking of me
because all i'm thinking about
is being with you
and it hurts too much
that i can't be
and i know
it hurts you too
so lets not think about it

i dont care to be home alone
all the time and know
you have a life
and im just forever
waiting for a time when you might
remember that you once cared
about me too

****//everything hurts//cant breathe//****//help//crying//ugh//no//i love you//ugh

over the fact
               that i'm now
    starting to wear
                        make-up

        simply to hide
the dark smudges
             under my eyes

and the light scars
    on my legs
  
          even the continuous bruises
                                 over my knuckles
  
so i'm wearing make-up
   to hide
            what i don't want
people
                           to see

-

.    sleep: no
   awake: no
         life: no
     death: no
is there
anything
in between
we're able
to agree on?
               : no

climbing back into bloodstained sheets
memories crash down like waves on rocks
the faint tinge of death and stench of sadness
re-locating and checking old hiding places
of unused self torture devices
my mind ticks over
and tears fall
i'm home
again
                                                    i miss you

i've started shaking
                                     hot and cold shivers
                                          control me
      a sinking feeling
                                                    in my torso
                     shortened breaths
      i cant breathe
                                         choking on nothing
  heart or stomach
         sink
                             the small amounts of food
    that i ate not long ago
                   i begin to feel ill
nothing is settled in me
                                      back aches
                        become headaches
                                                       ­  i'm still shaking
    hot and cold
                   shivering
                                                 combining into pain
        i'm not handling anything well
                    panic attacks
                            anxiety
    not eating
    not sleeping
                                  no i'm not handling this well
         i'm not dealing
               i cant cope

i'm not suicidal, but
         if a truck was about to hit me
         i wouldn't scream
i don't have a death wish, but
         if i was stuck underwater
         i wouldn't struggle
i don't want to die, but
         if someone had a gun barrel at my head
         i wouldn't beg to live
                          i'd smile

i have so many poems
       and i bet the people
                  whom follow me now
               i bet they haven't seen the first poem i uploaded
                                                   or the second
i understand that my "skills"
      have improved
                     from the first dodgy poems i wrote
  but i'd like to know
             if they were no good
             or if it's just that no one looked at them

i don't understand
      how you make me feel bad
                    when i didn't do anything
           but i feel guilty anyway
               because i made you feel
    slightly less happy
slightly less loved
   slightly less needed

        and i don't want that

~~


...

crushing my head
between my hands
       to squish my thoughts
of you, i'm trying
to get you out, get out
out
out
out
out
out
out
out
out
out
o u t
o u t
get out
get out
get out
of my head
get the **** out
get out
get out
get out **get out
get out
out out out ou tou tou tout out otu toutou tout tou otu tou get out GET OUT GET OUT
******* GET OUT OF MY FUCING HEAD
****
GET
OUT
I CANT
HANDLE THIS
GET
THE
****
OUT
OF
MY
HEAD

i hate
           hate
   the feeling i have
           when i know you're able
       to talk to me
                 but you're not
i love
          love
                       you
. . . .

like an exited puppy
you jump excitedly around
           with not a care for the world
other than finding it all
              you're inexperienced  
   and don't realize it hurts
           when you bite me

in had a childlike innocence
      i loved you
                    the first thirteen years of my life
  yeah, i did love you mum
            now my innocence
      and free love
                                        has run out, it's gone now
you want my love?
    it's your turn to earn it
                          i'm not giving it to you
          unconditionally