float me a boat
as  i cry a river

101 people follow me
101 people see every poem i write
101 real people
101 people
                                                                 thats a    h u g e   amount to me
1795 reactions
1795 comments
1795 or likes

22216 views
22216 thats how many times my poetry has been looked at
22216

                                                                   sorry but that still shocks me
                                                             real people are seeing my rambles
                                                                  real people are following me
                                                           real people are reacting to my work
                                                                                real people

take that mum, real people
                            real people think my "****" is good
                mum, leave me alone about it

because some real people think it's worth something
because they're reading it
       and they're liking or commenting to it

                                                                                                     and this is what i want to do in life
                                                                          i want to write
                                                                                          about things that pose something to me
                                         [HAH]
                                         you said i wasn't going
                        anywhere while on my computer
                                         [HAH]
                                                                                                          it only took me
                                                                                                          101 real people
                                                                                                                thankyou
                                                                                                              to all of you

in three weeks
i've lost 10kg
= 22 pounds
and i didn't even notice
                i wasn't eating
                      no one did

its been
              48 hours
         or longer?
since i last heard from you
   i'm worried
                 about
you
               only ever you

life has become
                 a monotone
                                    in comparison
you're a playlist
                    in my head
   forever on repeat

                                          o v e r    a n d    o v e r

i smile at our little jokes
                       said not too long ago
i'm joyful
      i am
            
                but i need to know
     where and how
                     you are

everything hurts
           my backbone is constantly struggling to keep me upright
        my head is always hanging
     my heart
                         well that's broken. shattered is a better word actually
           my everything
                  everything is being subtle
more than everything hurts
                                         but i cant think of a word
                                            that describes it
better than everything
                                         because my
                    everything
hurts
          aches
           ­        everywhere
                                                                ­      and sometimes i think
                                                           ­      that maybe
                                                           ­                 a hug could help
                                                            ­                                 why can't anyone tell
                                                      i just
                                                                ­   need
                                                          ­                              to be held safe
                                                            ­                 because i feel broken
                                                          ­     please
                                                          ­                         hold me together

that dark pipe that
             connects us
i remember a light
                at the end
        where i'd only
have to travel to it
      and everything
      would be okay
                       again

your light died
you're gone
you aren't coming back
your life died

your pretty face
rests against mine

                                               how did i die?

'                                                       i feel numb
                   but its different
its the type of numb
       you feel when
                      you've been crying too long

                                       your brain
                                                     body
                                                        soul
                                                          is exhausted

              so it stops everything
                                                 feeling
                                                    thinking
                                            wanting
                                      being
                                                         just to rest
for a while, nothing matters
                      you don't care about anything
                                           you've cried all your tears away
                       along with the last problem
                                          you had struggles with

  and you feel
                               numb

                                                             that different type of
                                           numb

**∞

let me steal the light
from your eyes
because you stole
the light from mine
in a heartless display
of affection
because you wanted
to light up the stars
as they were sad

did you forget
the fact you took
the light from my
heart, now it's left
with the likes of the
underworld and my
light is in heaven
right where you
put it, in the
stars so they
could shine

you're older than me
you know its not okay
why'd you let me get attached
then just leave
when you know i'm in pain
why

i just discovered a shot glass
            filled with a handful of white painkiller pills
i wish i hadn't
                  now i know they're there
                  now i have to try and forget they're there
                  now i have to stop myself from swallowing them all
i wish i hadn't
   oh how i wish i hadn't found them

the cord I tied around my neck
wasn't tight enough to ****
I passed out, notebook
in hand asleep

stuck in the headlights
                        a cold night fogs
lost in white light
    the fog was transformed from a
        comforting damp blanket
into  a  white
impenetrable
wall of smog
                              a lonely dear
                         hears traffic everywhere
                                   but the wall
                                                                      pushes her back
              so she turns and runs
                                 lost with the noise
                         and bright white
                                                                     there's always
                                                             a loud screech
                                                     before impact
a lonely dear
lost in white
dies slowly
at the crime scene

————i'm a such a deer————

I didn't get to school today
I woke up
usual time
and lay still
my arms felt like they were
strapped to the bed
my legs felt like the bones
had been replaced with lead
my shoulder sunk into the matress
and my head was stuffed with
cotton or water
I wasn't able to move
so I cried
and after a while
of crying I finally lifted a shoulder
nothing was wrong with me
but the weight
I just couldn't move


look what depression is doing to me
how am I meant to live through this?

I'm empty
but filling slowly up
with self hate
why would anyone love me
when I don't love myself
I don't respect myself
I don't even see anything of me to respect
my stomach isn't flat
my thighs rub together
and my arms are disgusting
my sides are lumpy
and I'm short
                                                  I gag at myself in the mirror
how could I be so disgusting
no wonder no one wants me
no wonder I lay alone every night
the only presence I have is death
because it looms like possibilities

I want someone to want me
to say it's okay that you don't
like yourself, because I love
everything about you
I want someone to help
I need help
help convincing myself
I'm worth living
I'm worth trying

this counselling **** does nothing
******* prove to me I'm worth something
and not just a hole in the groud
tell me I'm beautiful
even though I won't believe it
I'll believe the look in your eyes

someone
help me
someone
love me

in panic attacks
  my brain sings
la la la la
                i'll be okay
  la la la la la
remember to breathe
       la la la la
what's breathing?
  la la la la
          who're you?
do do do
   what'd you want?
  do de do la
help help help
            lalalala
it'll be fine
lalaladodododa
                           help

my life seems
to be controlled
by black shadows
and white pills