it’s almost midnight.
the sound of my little brother yelling while playing his video games.
the sound of my mom crying watching her favorite drama.
my sister who's ignoring the world when she’s on her phone.
my dad who’s rarely home.
my older brother who is in his own world.
me, writing this down while listening to a sad playlist with my ****** earphone.

for me, my faith is personal
it is not physical

it is something i want to reach
but i can’t touch with my bare hands
instead i can touch with my heart

my faith is fragile yet it's there
like the wind on hot days
and the sun on dark sky

but only for a while
because the devil
push me away before the wind touch my body
and cover my eyes with sins
until the sun no longer be seen

the feeling guilty
makes me filthy
but i'm down on my knees
for the hundred times
calling Your name
calling Your mercy

because You are merciful
mercy than mother
mercy that father
forgave all of my sins
but i took You for granted

Your love for me
is bigger than the universe
bigger than my heart
my friends told me i have

so i'm calling out to You
to hear me crying
telling You how sorry i am
about the day i forgot to pray
asking You to help me
because i'm lost

this humble creature
that sins bigger than fantasies
is hoping You can help me

we met when i thought i was in love with another man
you thought i was cute
i thought you were funny
i was confused
and you were lonely
you had a girlfriend but you like me
and you never told me and then she came at me
i was hurt and i was scared
but you thought it was funny
you barely know me
but you said i love you so easy
i can’t say it back
but you told me i should say it back
and i did
even when i don’t love you
i think of someones else when i’m with you
but i gave it a try
to love you
but i’m the one in pain
i knew this is never going to work
so i run away
but then you notice
so we broke up
and in the end i never tell you
that i never love you
because i think i’m in love with someone else

where is the girl
that surrounded herself
with words and colors

just so she can fit in
so she can understand
this "cool" world she thought it was

until she found darkness
in her innocent mind and blank pages

she found the world so cold
that the people breath ice
instead of breath nice

she sees monsters
pretending to be angels
feed you with lies and hatred
till you filled with it

she sees the sun turn
into a bright fire
that melts you into your sins

she sees the night
as the morning
she never had
cause she's too busy thinking
that she forgot to sleep

she pretends to be another
so she be accepted
because the world
taught her to hate herself

she forgot her books
she left on the shelf
because she's too busy with reality

but she is wrong
totally wrong

the world wasn't cold
but the people are

the world is just a place
full of creatures
that sins and changes

but that girl is me
i am that girl that lost in the world
i thought i'd survive instead she get lost
in another universe called "reality"

I was too kind
Because I let them disparage me
I let them insult and slander me
With no truth nor right

I was too kind
Because I let them use my kindness
I let them use my weakness
With ruthlessness and desperate eyes

I was too kind
Because I let them forget me
With my hard work and my broken soul

I was too kind
Because I let it happen
Again and again
With tears at night
And smile at daylight

But I was too cruel
To my aching heart
To my empty soul
To my throbbing head
To my weakest body
I was cruel because I was too kind

let me tell you about being in love
being in love doesn’t teach you about life
but it teaches you about being broken

it makes you sick
angry
confuse
and lonely

it makes you wonder what you did wrong in life that makes you feel this feeling
it makes you want to rip your chest and throw away your heart because that’s where it hurt the most

your heart
your heart feel the most pain because that’s where it beats when you first look into his eyes
when you felt his hand on your hand
when you listened to his pretty little lies about how much he loves you

and you love him back
so much
so much where you give everything to him
where you open your soul to him
tell him every secrets, every flaws, everything

but instead he gives you nothing
just a nod and “oh”
or maybe he never listen at all
but there you are, pouring your heart to him

but God is fair
when He took something away from you
He will replace it with something far more better
He will ensure your happiness
He will make sure it’s the right thing for you
because who knows better than He do

so my friend, if you are broken just know that God is there for you
He is testing you to see how strong you are
so be strong my friend
it’s not the end of the world
because who know
maybe your world isn’t even begin yet

as i'm sitting in this car
going to places i don't want to go
with creepy silence ringing
my heart ache
hoping that this isn't it
how my life is

doesn't hold something important
memorable or happiness
doesn't write in someone's book
or thoughts

feeling hollow crawling in my skin
i wanted to puke
the desire in my stomach
screaming hunger
i die
but still breathing

part of me saying
it's okay
but that part of me
is just a reassurance for me to stay alive
but for reasons
i'm still searching

the thoughts of dying
keep coming
like waves in the ocean
that i'm so afraid of
why it's still coming

i pray so loud and i cried everytime
but why i got silent as a reply
why i'm still doubting
why i'm still asking why

if this is another rough day
let me get through it
with dry eyes and empty minds
because God knows how much this mind can do

i tried dad,
i tried so hard and you did not realize.
you did not try.

it may be time to give up on you
i'm tired of being disappointed on you.
i'm tired of giving you so many chances because i know you will throw it out.

where are you when i need you to tell me that i’m doing a great job instead you tell me that i can do better?
where are you when my little brother need you to pick him up at 4am instead you tell him to ride uber?
where are you when mom is crying alone at night
because you left her question your love for her?
where are you dad?

things have changed so much
we all have changed so much
i thought you have changed
but instead you still the same
the same father i tried not to hate

i tried dad, i tried so hard.
i’m still and always will give you chances
but will you change?
will you apologize for what you have said?
will you try to be a father where i can call you a father?
can you try it?
because i think i lost hope for you.