I need more sleep
but I need more you
how can I choose
when both are as real
as they are true,
if I must sleep
then I shall dream,
dream of you

I’ve been dreaming about you lately.
sometimes they're daydreams about
you and I
living together
in a small house with
kids of our own, learning
how to live a full life.
happy.
I'm finally happy, clean.
no more cuts, no more burns.
no more thoughts of ending it all.
 
some dreams are
strange;
dreams of you slitting your own throat, telling me you
want to die.
I can’t stop you because I
understand your pain;
a wanting to feel
nothing.
and I just let you cut
deeper,
watching blood escape your
broken veins.
 
some dreams are
terrifying;
dreams of you driving to my house in the middle of the night, your
reckless driving causing you to
crash.
hours later, as we're all searching for you, I find your
body, cold and weary, lying on the
street.
no last words, no goodbye kiss.
 
but there's one dream in particular,
the scariest of them all.
no blood, no guts, no death;
we haven't seen each other in awhile, so
things get heated pretty fast.
we're alone.
hugs turn to
kisses and kisses turn to
touches  and needless to say,
clothes come off.
you're bewildered by what you see:
cuts everywhere.
my arms and thighs are laced in
rows of red.
new wounds, old scars,
everywhere.
I've hid them from you for
so long. and you told me
you were an understanding guy, but you've never
seen me so
vulnerable, so weak.
all walls have been
broken down.
things don't go well from here on out.
speechless, you don’t say a word, but you don't need words to
express your disgust,
I can see it in your eyes.
who wants to love a sad girl?
who wants to **** a freak?
the hardest part is watching the
pain flicker in your eyes.
"I'm better, I promise."
you never believed it, but you wanted to.
you wanted to have a normal girlfriend, believe me, I know.
 
although there's nothing gory about the dream, it's
scary as hell.
it could happen.
one day you could see my
scars and you could run.
just like everyone else.
please don’t be like them.
*please.

i feel like talking to you
& being with you all the time
hugging you
kissing you
seeing you smile
seeing you happy
& it's weird
because i thought i'd never fall for you
because you'd never fall for me
& i didn't want to be dependent
on someone else's happiness & personality
to be my happiness
& it's even weirder
that i feel like i need
to feel your skin in mine's
& capture your soul every time
i look at you.
it's weird because you are full of many flaws
but i don't see them
& i look at you with my eyes full of wonders
but you don't look at me
the way i look at you;
but you look at her the way i look at you.

you could say the problem was
race; half white half japanese
you could say the problem was
passion; which never aligned
you could say the problem was
distance; a desert too vast to cross
but i say the problem was
love; because i loved you more
than i loved myself.

I want someone to love
someone to share food with
hold hands
play games with and just cuddle whenever
tease each other and wear their clothes
I want a love that'll last a long time
we wouldn't have to worry about the other of us cheating
we'd have each other and that's all we'd need
somebody's chest to hide my face on during scary movies
see each other as often as we wanted
go on road trips and rent small, dinky motels
go to drive in movies, whisper sweet nothings as we watch
eat at tiny diners or window shop together
waste an entire day at the park until the starts come out
catch lightening bugs in the summer
snuggle by the bonfire in my backyard
I want that easy, simple, truthful kind of love

"why are you sad?"
because
all I see is him and me
because
all I feel is his heartbeat
next to mine

because all I see
is the field green grass
and the constellations
in midnight sky;
and those shooting stars
and a sweet lullaby whispered
in my ears;
and the rough waves hitting
the rock behind the shoreline;

because all I see
is you, me, and all the things that we could be
because all I see
is the whole world in your pure eyes.