Totally tubular fiction yup,
nevertheless I reflect
the year (arbitrarily plucked from misty past)
Santa Claus did not show up
courtesy imagination license
cruel as crippled poet pan handler
rattling his empty cup.

Though blink of time passed rather quick,
I still vividly recollect
midnight passed upon Christmas Eve
(circa December 24th, 2005)
with nary a ** ** ** from jolly Saint Nick,
nor sound of sleigh bells
no reindeer with packages he did not heave
omitting hurling gifts at 1148 Greentree Lane
as some cruel and nasty trick,
which prompted both progent

particularly youngest daughter did grieve
great disappointment absent merriment,
and surprises he would ordinarily flick,
whereby mystical magical tour would
burst with brilliance
like Jack Nimble's candlestick
spurred affirmation
analogous to brick
slamming into me noggin
in his presence to believe.

Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
*****, Comet, Cupid and Blitzen
ordinarily light up anticipation,
instigating ear to ear grin
(especially provoking clattering hooves)
courtesy, exponentially, and factorially
heightened expectation generated,
viz foray into dark night sky
becoming brightest visible object
creating an audible, yet pleasant din

gracefully amazing this hypothetical papa,
would ordinarily deliver merriment well nigh
accept he forgot one important stop
perhaps trouble with cloven hoofed creatures
hmm... maybe lack of of feedstock
found precious priceless lass
with downcast chin,
and teardrops falling
heavily from each eye
inducing sharp pains

within this then mister mom
once a year self anointed secret santa
analogous feeling skin
pierced with sharp pin
most times one generally
happy go lucky guy,
whose heavy sinking heart
professing love (mine) could not win
reverberated hollow grief
as if Cupid's paramour made of tin.

I tried with futility to assuage melancholy
when Shayna Punim
(Yiddish פּנים ponem, from Hebrew פָּנִים panim)
(endearment for pretty face),
she did melancholically ask why
her mood cast dark shadows
across edge of night
(evoking artificial intelligent
graphic generated augmented
computer special effect)
as webbed, wide world

within outer limits of twilight zone did spin
along axis in gulf of infinite space
with lighting speed, he would punctually fly
no explanation suitable i.e.
from Kris Kringle pinch hitter
(alias yours truly),
since no where seen heft sack
of goodies makes supreme father pitiful sight
off his pedestal like
force of gravity impossible to defy
Humpty Dumpty myth I did belie.

Courtesy food pantries
Saint Eleanor's Saint Mary's,
Our Daily Bread,
the missus and yours truly (her spouse)
well stocked with good n plenti of
soap, shampoo and detergent.

Spongebob squarepants
would be in seventh heaven,
where sudsy clouds (resembling
Mister Krabs, Plankton,
Sandy Cheeks, Squidward, et cetera),
would drift across celestial vault.

Gratitude bequeathed to prophets of virtue
benevolent good samaritans
who trend righteous true
to the calling of helping hands who renew
faith (mine) in goodness of humanity
assisting not only yours truly
and the missus, but people
from South American country named Peru
or even indigenous tribes
accorded recognition comprising
population of inhabitants occupying New
Zealand, offered reparations

under the Treaty of Waitangi,
a process of reparation allowed
Maori to be fully recognized
at political level in lieu
of unfair practices inflicted upon
original occupant loosely similar
to descendents of long lost tribes of Israel,
endowed with (pure tin) pride
wishing I too could call myself proud Jew,
nevertheless attraction manifests destiny
(mine) someday to learn Hebrew.

Courtesy atheism more so Unitarianism,
I need not adopt
an explicit dogmatic, fanatic, humanistic...,
lunatic, narcissistic, puritanic... paradigm,
but only tout poetic justice (mine)
to recognize laudable traits
linkedin to orthodox faiths,
albeit rationalistic rubric
that caters to selflessness

for no other reason
than allowing, enabling, and promoting
random acts of kindness
without any forthcoming great expectation
downplaying remuneration,
no matter destitution begot mein kampf
hard times living within bleak house
slight hyperbolic exaggeration
poor as a cheesy church mouse poet.

Lemme coast to a fitting conclusion
bringing reasonable rhyming blather
originating courtesy me noggin,
within which wool doth gather
thus I a halt and
dial down philosophical lather,
cuz most likely
ye dear reader would rather
experience palmolive oil slather
preparatory to full body massage.

After most recent shower,
and particularly washing hair
(then shaking head
analogous to sopping wet dog
drying her/himself after a bath),
I immediately said helloo
to Long lasting fragrance Suave
essentials Daily Clarifying
Deep cleansing Shampoo,
which permeated mine scalp
facilitating healthy follicles.

More so frothy lather upon noggin
after getting rinsed out
yielded bounteous, luscious, luxurious,
and marvelous full bodied tresses
reminiscent when yours truly an adolescent,
a veritable long haired pencil necked geek
whose hirsute trademark
still characterizes atypical sexagenarian
above mentioned characteristic
still (after scores of years)
emblematic of this enigmatic poetaster.

Ever since being in utero
soon after seminal fusion
insync with fallopian tube bearing ova
begot zygote courtesy said gametes,
and engendered silent boom
after piercing zona pellucida
creating microscopic flume,
nevertheless collection of cells
coalescing into embryo
eventually manifesting into yours truly,

I painstakingly took minuscule
comb and brush to groom,
and dreaded most fearfully being locked,
where pair of outsize scissors did loom
threatening to cut thick,
what could best be envisioned analogous
to imperceptible fancy plume
hich features specific feature
drew medical community
(i.e. namely human reproductive specialists)

constituted extensive expanse
within blastocyst very limited room
crowd sourcing out rivaling curious onlookers
formerly geared up
to espy King Tutankhamun's tomb
can you dear reader believe
a hairy globule within the womb
became global attraction
viz - of a young fecund Harriet Harris,
cuz about nine months later
out the birth canal I did zoom.

Across cyberspace,
the following epistle
yours truly (me) doth lob
as the figurative pressure
tightens on the virtual ****,
I would moost certainly benefit
from a part time job
hence this rather goofy atypical reply
crafted (at initial
ten plus years ago date)

following reasonable rhyme written
then gingerly trying
to remove pesky Windows kernel32 dll
or blue screen of death errors
(oh... how so yesterday)
(while gently inhaling) from
imaginary hand carved corn cob
from whittling fingers
of one named, (albeit alias) Mister Bob.

Anyway, this aspiring writer dejure
shoe lee mastered his a, b, c's
though during test time
experienced nonfatal forgetfulness disease
all my learning seemed to freeze
oh and although the following
non-sequitur added comment
moost likely irrelevant
back in the day o me early boyhood,
I passed thru initiation rite of passion

sans tickling ivory keys
in addition to learning
about human species,
whose relatively recent ancestors
incorporates caveman
argh gew hob bully naked ape,
who exhibited death defying feats
analogous to acrobat
holding fast to trapeze
of mine swung from sturdy trees
only pausing long enough
to smoke cigar and wheeze.

Additionally, I cobble, dabble
and gabble with double entendres, nibble
and tinker with byte sized words
monosyllabic terms
like this or that
as my pedigreed intellectual toy
with an intent
to affect, invoke and joke
with intellectual ploy
opening mine mien,
whether unknown reader
counts her/himself among Jew or goy
ideally to be witness literary employ
and earn an income oh boy
netting gold anchor ahoy.

Rational wordsmith asks himself why
he habitually answers
in his poetic way per responding
posting defies conforming
to the established formality,
yet nonetheless asks
**** sitter a shun sans my reply
ideally couched
with an affirmative decision
no less than
twenty thumbs up well nigh
to be extended,

and offered a hand
for me to join this outfit
as another common
Jimmy Neutron to help ward off lions,
tigers and bears oh my
powder milk chomping
Joe Schmoe type noir guy
essentially a human combination fly,
whose nom de plume as newborn cry
himself to sleep baby
nearly exhausted dry tear ducts,
the muttering bard of Perkiomen Valley
sometimes used as ruff lee an alley bye.

from: Matthew Scott Harris,
who might find himself booted,
knowingly, longingly, and magically
transported to Paris.

Wool ye wrap dem **** pull
stilts skin figurative limbs
around zee following
which reasonable rhyme Yukon mull
courtesy yours truly,
who sports a hollow cranium hull
nevertheless hello gull
or guy tis me one generic dull
drum weather beaten poet cull...
ling quintessential absolute zero talent, cuz
aye loosed ma last mar bull.

Then I give u mission im posse sub bull detail
which with your expertise sure bet fails
ha fa akin to sear ching for da holy grail.

Well, I (with Will Wolverson,
grown lad or lassie
and Forest Gump by my side) can attest
life haint no box of chocolates
snapping jaws of zee bill collectors
tug get and nip breast
this bloke doth wreck in newt tour
tubby nada hue man species best
buys to hire, a modest fellow
gnarly mixed breed i.e.
with strunk n white elements
of non-harried dog gone style,
who doth not thump
in One Direction upon his chest

like an alpinist, who scaled Mount Everest
enjoying breath-taking view as visual fest
with mild manner demeanor like some guest
light hearted genteel friendly dude,
who doth like to jest
lest
gets scant interpersonal
opportunities predictably messed
up in order to dust track
marital obligation ta support
n dependent dense heckling
ban she wife in this nest
with hen pecking spouse

i.e. argh quite thee pest
though now back on track
sans  income quest
in order to put MSN
(missing) mailer daemons
in the mind of this live earth-linked
cool hotmail yahoo at rest
according to Sir Isaac Newton
when object least stressed
so all I ask, would be -
give this older average chap,
an electric kool aid
basic acid gemeinschaft test

even if that requires me to get undressed
for helping hands of average size worthy
(of his little braid e bunch)
dons thrift store vest,
where Philadelphia skyline scene
about 30 miles due north west
does pursue friendship with aplomb yessed
doth agree, per bing a bit plumb awry
boot- orange u glad, I haint noah
poise zen hiss fruitcake
**** this cherry fellow,
a peal ling banana split, who goes gaga
over a ladybird
with Partridge Family like zest.

Matthew Scott Harris
da melon collared doggone collie
by George could Shaw Lee
warrant snuggling with a real dolly
please pardon me this adolescent bit o' folly
leave a message by jeeper z n golly
so if zee mood prevail respond
buff **** the next Holly
day - cuz each moment of life

woolworth bing jolly
to allow, enable and provide
n opportunity tubby molly
cod dulled - without resort
to bing forcibly Polly
Anna Hush - yet also reckon eyes zing,
when ye need me to cease
bing poetic - end sollie
tarry within me mancave.

Yes
tsar
day

helm eye rubles seemed sofa har away
and now thar hear - no longer at bay
washing o'er the being of fleshy clay
wondering oof this hard scrapple
time traveler - will witness 2 day
dreams *** true -
that weave a netted skein within every
nook and cranny
who dons many a guise to help him flay
mailer daemons burrowing
in found cerebral pock hits empty n gray

lint coated fingers flick like
Lord of the Flies,
he wants to share hooray
with thee home economic female turn key
helping this generic guy out of
slightly botched starry enterprise - me
audacity likened to gonzo
narcissistic raging bull bucks
suffering dementia pre
coxcombs, which triumphantly -
harkens freedom
b4 this mortal DIES ne'er re
yule lies zing the nirvana and
x static x tub burial @ sea.

(particularly when nursed at room temperature)

I learned that Kombucha
best be kept refrigerated lest
said probiotic drink
served at room temperature
(incorporating live bacteria) erupts
potentially causing
serious damage to consumer
as nearly happened to yours truly,
nonetheless patronizes company(ies),
who manufacture
aforementioned healthy beverage.

Analogous to other fermented brews,
one must cultivate an acquired taste
regarding delicately sipping Kombucha
now if you will kindly excuse
wordsmith henpecked and
away from Macbook Pro
fortunately satisfied with poem thus far.

Hello, I got back to laptop
today - December fourth 2021
after few hours elapsed
got hunger pangs
during brief hiatus
experienced relapse concerning
craving vegetarian hypocrite's delight
meat product constituted chicken sausage,
which greasy entree
invariably caused cholesterol to spike.

The missus (a plump carnivore
to the bone with plucky constitution)
vowed never to purchase
named poultry appurtenance ever again
so help me dog, cuz she
(connoisseur of gluten free foods)
attempts to promote healthy eating.

Indeed buzzfeeding body, mind and spirit
courtesy fruits and vegetables
ideally, preferably, and undeniably organic
helps me feel emotionally,
mentally and spiritually fit
able, eager and willing

to staunch the flow,
whereby yours truly
would become deceased,
thus imperative to jot obit
before that instant I exit
stage door left,

the only occasion witnessing
ala bumbling and fumbling performance
(despite unalterable fact that
life haint no dress rehearsal)
courtesy painless suicide
exhibiting true grit

regarding one generic long haired
pencil necked geek,
whose demise undermined,
when his lovely bones
deteriorated analogous to
rotted fascia and soffit.

(thank you All Poetry, COSMOFUNNEL,
Facebook, Hello Poetry
Poetry Soup,... et cetera global friends.)

A network of cherished kinships allied
forged, and linkedin analogous
to union of groom and bride
thru electronic bonds engender intrigue,
nonetheless unconditionally accept,
no matter I chide
self, and reference mine existence
as if...this mortal already died,

now more appreciative than ever,
cuz younger days witnessed
peers that did elide
me accompanied with relentless
teasing, snubbing, roasting
akin tubby kindled over a fireside,
thus...solitude shadowed me as sole guide
peopled with books

to escape and hide
from so called "real"
webbed world, yet inside
this former grievous
lad through alienation,
emasculation, and isolation no joyride
valuing myself less than a pawn on
chessboard of life

envying extrovert as kingside
station depriving, insulating, and
ostracizing yours truly belied
to Matthew Scott Harris
marginally functioning, and denied
him camaraderie, dating, enjoying
female friendships due
to lack of confidence and pride

and at the cusp of
pubescence...a slow descending ride
into the hungry (anorexic)
maws of suicide,
which ideations hammer psyche,
now aghast how I tried
(without success) to disappear sundering
mine complex edifice
into the wide

abyss of nothingness, hence to treasure
those electronic connections,
perhaps...totally no more'n four score
(and seven years ago)
all told of unbeknown village people
comprising worthy chums,
sans human league roar
ring (okay pardon the hyperbole),

but letting this foo fighter explore
a greater range of interpersonal
(no matter virtual), but each
unnamed cyber buddy worth more
than simple rhyming galore
words express, some
or all those who sprung
from Earth, wind and fire,

viz cosmic toreador
this poet would their
physical presence adore,
who realizes genuine experienced love
second best option

Loneliness I abhor,
nevertheless wistfulness
to communicate
thru the Internet...
finds me writing bonjour,
to random readers
familiar with literary nuances
of yours truly
within whose integrated
central processing unit core
reasonable rhymes coalesce
as trademark décor
lapsing words to explore

his existential crisis
enduring eighteen years
subtracted from fourscore
orbitz athwart planet earth
in the balance as informed
Former Vice President
of the United States Albert Gore
his 1992 tree tease
at that time *******
revelations Greta Thunberg
makes sure **** sapiens do not ignore.