In a moment
Or an hour or a day
We feel the incomplete nature of ourselves
We perceive an incongruity
Between desire
And reality
Reconciliation of the incongruity
Does not happen in a moment
In an hour, or a day
Some say the incongruity will always exist
And to release yourself from desire
Will make you one with reality
Consider though
The dead become dirt in the cool earth 
We all become one with reality sooner than we desire
Perhaps we should appreciate the incongruity

When it rains
I like to go running
In the cold dull November
In the late afternoon
When the sun is low
The fields and forrest are empty
And the whole world is inside
Pretending not to care


When it rains I imagine that I'm a fish
Sleek and wet and strong
Gliding through a cold wet world
I imagine that I'm the animal that I am
Without a pretense
Without an expectation beyond the physicality of the ambient conditions
I am an animal in the world
Surviving, breathing, being

I look at my damp slick hands
and the mist that comes from my heaving breath as I pump my legs, through the mud in the dim forest,
As I splash through the puddles and the streams,
And think to myself I'd swim the river itself if I had to.

When it rains
I imagine I'm the animal that I am
Running through the world unmoved
Strong and fierce and more alive
knowing that the world could **** me
If I laid down.

When it rains
The world doesn't care
It doesn't care even when it's sunny
But when it rains,
I remember

I'm the animal that I am
Running in the cold wet world

**** sadness
**** self pity
**** that infinite, cold,  black empty feeling inside you.

Sacrifice your self imposed mindset of misery
On an alter of the ***** you should have stopped giving

First,
Take a deep breath
Like you are getting ready to dive to the dark bottom of the sea

In,
In,
In,
Like you are ******* up the whole of the world itself
Like a god consuming the universe
Till the very cells of your lungs are stretched beyond meaning

And...

HOLD IT,

Hold it


Past the point you want to scream

To the point where your tears are only for your physical pain

And then a few awful seconds more

Hold it

And just at the moment

Where you think you might have forgotten how to breathe

Exhale

Let it go

Let everything go
Every last ******* piece
Every last bit inside
Like a deflating balloon


Let it pour out of you
Like the entirety of your being is seeking to leave

And when the easy bit leaves
Keep exhaling

Let

It

Go.

Till you are as empty as the infinite void itself
Till you are as empty as you tell yourself you are

And then blow off a little more

And when you can't release one more molecule of CO2
from your wrung out lungs,

Take a free breath

A deep but normal breath

Look around
The world doesn't care what goes on inside you
It doesn't care how you feel physically
Or emotionally
So stop feeling sorry for yourself
Take charge of it
Because it matters to you

Because you matter
Whether or not your sadness let's you admit it

There is a future
Where it might have worked
A future where you did end up falling for me
As I did for you
Would it still have lasted
What would it have become I wonder?
Asking that is fruitless
It didn't
Not in this universe
I'll go to sleep tonight wondering anyways
And wondering how and where you are
In this area of this universe

I hope you're well.

Goodnight.

There are two little fires sitting next to me
They radiate a fierce warmth meant only for themselves
The light and heat of their dance Illuminate the dim bar with a loving And jealous radience
If I sit too close
Or look directly
I will burn myself
Their fire is for themselves
But it's warm nonetheless
And I don't mind
I hope their fires burn for a long time to come

It started in a coffee shop
Where you worked
Four days a week
And I knew the hours
I knew it with a deep visceral longing
With a terror and a joy
A forbidden pleasure that sickens me
And I tried very hard to let you be
But you took the town over
With the musk of a presence that I longed for with the whole of my being
All the while, the quiet and logical part of my disrupted mind reminded me that being near you was not appropriate
How I loathed that Vulcan presence
But I heeded it more or less.
And as you became attached to all the little places
In this quiet little town
I knew I had to leave
in order to let my violent need die
And now having lived in a far off state I sit at the SeaTac gates
And the old familiar clutch of deaths bony palm on my soft intestines squeezes, and a small anxious voice whispers
What if she gets out at this gate?
Do you now own the whole of Alaska?
If I find you move to Chicago
Will I quail at O'Haire
With the small chance that you're there?

I  walk cautiously into the future
Through the dark fog
Of what could be, but isn't
There is a veil to pierce
And there are many ways to advance the story
Sometimes I hesitate
Wondering why I can't pause for a moment to enjoy what I have earned
But even if I wait or stall
The world moves regardless of me
And everything keeps changing
So that I need to catch up if I wait too long
Sometimes I feel like it speeds up and
I need to run faster, more efficiently
To keep pace with an idea of where I should be relative to the rest of it.
And sometimes I feel like a planetary body
Caught in the gravity of what is happening around me
And I will go where the forces pull me. And that my own will is so integrated into greater things that it just seems negligeable in comparison
But for brief moments,
Like a diver coming up for air,
Or a mountain climber with a good ledge
I can pause, and catch my breath,
And for a brief and fleeting moment
I can see the world around me,
Where I am in it,
And what lies ahead
And with those few seconds
Maybe I can alter my trajectory.