Sitting in my warm tub
While the shower water falls across me
Reveling in my habitat
I think of my ancestors
All the way back to a little mammal
Who found a hotspring in the cold winter
And I twirl my foot in the stream

To get to the point of loving someone
Really loving someone,  with that passion and fire you can barely conceive of,
That burn yourself alive fire
That sacrifice everything for on an altar of loyalty and worship fire
Is so difficult
I never knew
No one really said it to me
I don't know why I thought it would be easy
That it would just come to me
That I'd find the right one
In an instant
That I would just be the same for her,
That I was a man to set the world on fire for
To die for
I was such a child
And now I have sadness
Like a man
For all my mistakes
Learning what love was
What love is.
I hope someday I know how to love someone

I was lying, when I walked up to you
Through the wet spring fowers
In the cold morning while you sat with your sheep
I didn't know I was lying,
I wanted it to be, I wanted my love to be
But I was lying when I walked up to you
And brought my arm over your arm
And your hand in my hand
And our warm bodies enclosed
And I kissed you so softly
Because I wanted to be gentle
But I was lying when I came up to you
I didn't realize
I thought I was trying to make you happy
But I was trying to make myself happy and I was careless with your heart
I'm so sorry,
I know it doesn't matter now
But I am.

Love is brave
Take your armor
That you have wrought
In the depth of your suffering
From the sources of your personal injuries
And cast it aside
Bare your breast
Before the one whose joy you wish ascendant
Watch her in her own fear
Holding the knife itself come forward
And trust
She will hold you with courage to

Am I using up my love
Am I burning through the stock of that ineffable magic
Each time, it happens
I feel like I have less
Like I have lost piece by little piece
The moon and the stars in your eyes
Each time I throw myself into the dark pools of your desires
I come up emptier
As though deep at the bottom
Amongst the smooth stones
Lie pieces of a heart too burdened to rise
Each time I come up
a little more out of breath
Does it come back?
Can I restore that silent joy
Or have I spent it beyond recovery?

To be a people pleaser
Is to be a liar
First to yourself
First you say
Their happiness is my happiness
Then you say
I'm fine, I'm fine with this
And this and this and this
And when they say this
And they look at you
With the eyes of a lover
With deep need and kindness
With the vulnerability you wish was yours
You say that, and this, and that
So they won't be sad, so that they'll smile,
You want so much for them to smile
Because you love them...
Or you want to love them?
Or, you wished you loved them?
Or, you don't want to hurt them
Because
You're a people pleaser
And you imagine
You pretend, you tell yourself
This, this is my person
You want it so much to be true
Until a moment comes
And you look around
And realize
I'm not fine
And you pull
And you pull, till you pull
The rug out from underneath them
And the shelter you built
And the futures you conjured
And the safety you promised
Evaporates and falls apart
Like a flimsy children's umbrella
And the rain like hateful knives comes down
And you get to watch
As the betrayal falls
And you realize you could never be
What they needed
You promised so much
But it was a lie
First to yourself
But oh how they suffered for it

In the silence of the night
In the soft stillness
In the dark eyes of you

I dreamed

I dreamed that love was real
That my love was real
And not a selfish expression of profound need

I dreamed that I gave,
Was able to give you
Everything you wanted, or needed
That I was your needs answered
As it has felt like you are mine

I know that's absurd
I like you
Like I haven't liked someone for a very long time
I know that there are so many limitations to it,
To me
I know I can't give you everything

But God how I wish I could

And in knowing that wish
I can't help but feel
That giving you what I have
Right now to give
For how long it is reasonable to give
With kindness,
And understanding
In the limitations of the self
And patience for the absurdity of the world
Is the best I can do
The only thing I can do
It's as close as I can get
And it's so much less
Than you deserve