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 Apr 2013 MasikaniCrocodile
B
late at night
i lay in bed
feelings and all
images in my head
want to forget
keep thinking thoughts
that aren't healthy
on a path to insanity
peace is what i seek
of what i get
mindful
no more regret
painful
i don't want to dwell
in this deep well
of down

fabric i must flee
remove my clothing
and fleece
i'm on the ground
praying to god
holding myself
the anger within
the silence
ignore
so painful
hard to forgive
very hard to forgive

gonna take long time
to feel right again
so this thing i have
i must use it
pour out soul and heart
rip everything apart

don't want to freak out
flashbacks deranged
crazy dog
trapped in a cage
so filled with rage
i cannot explain
how this feels
other than by

flipping a couch
slamming my phone
screaming
crying
holding myself
on the couch

walk into the room
and feel
like i gotta strip
naked to feel
clean
i'm so *****
controlled by emotion
withdrawing from the withdrawal
of the person
who does not love me
Sometimes I wonder
why the bird ***** its wings
fighting a never ending battle against gravity
holding onto the ledge.

Sometimes I question
the decisions of fools
a mistake made without rhyme or reason
a required tool to stand strong.

Sometimes I listen
to the ****** and the cruel
beaten and battered to death by hatred
a submissive fool rising from the ashes.

Sometimes I lose control
when the axe is closing in on my neck
babbling for attention from the worst people
forgotten, left for dead on the battle field.

Sometimes I forget
everything vital in my mind
moaning and groaning of long dead issues
valuing all but myself.

Sometimes I don't understand
why the innocent must die
his past mistakes becoming his life
everyone is innocent inside.

Sometimes I wonder
why the bird ***** it's wings
winning the never ending battle against gravity
becoming everyone's ledge.
I can never find anything to do anymore
I am ALWAYS bored
I drink another soda as fast as I can
Boring
I smoke another cigarette as fast as I can
Boring and bad for my health

I used to drink and do drugs
It caused a lot of problems but I had fun
At least then I had something to do
At least then I could make myself stupid
Do stupid things with an excuse
At least then I could be interested in menial things


The most interesting thing I did today was take a shower
I was actually kind of happy standing there under the water
But only an idiot would stand in the shower all day
I could take up *******
That might be fun
I could do that in the shower

I rarely smile anymore without faking it
I smile when I see a small child smile
But I don't have children around me that often
and when I do, they are not always smiling
Often they are screaming
Screaming children are not fun

Some people seem like they are happy all the time
How do they do it?
Is it because they are stupid?
I like to think so
I like to think that I am the norm
Nobody should be happy too often

I just want to be happy a little bit
Find a few things to do that don't bore me to death
I wanna be interested in life
I want to have a reason to go to bed early
I want to have a reason to wake up
I want to have a reason

Today I will just have to settle for being bored
For being uninterested
For being unhappy
But it would be nice not to have to dumb down to cheer up
I am sick of dumbing down
I am kind of sick of life

Maybe tomorrow I will remember a good reason to live
Maybe tomorrow I will find something new
Maybe tomorrow somebody will suprise me
Maybe not
But I do still have hope
That just maybe things will change
set to music
yellowed images
fray the screen as the static
fills the gap of 40 years
everything is so different
hair and clothes
people that you used to know
people come and go
"remember him?"
"they got divorced"
its funny how time can force
such distances
and loss of self
we grow so far from simple joys
those kids arent you
or atleast they "were"
that beauty gets lost
in the belly of the world
it swallowed you up
traded your magic for myth
your innocence for "truth"
your imagination for structure
when you think back
do you remember the feelings?
do you miss them
could you fathom
maybe even having them
now?
but you talk about prices
not considering how life is
so different now
from the hood of your heavy eyes
ridden with disappointment and the lies
of the world you traded the wonder for
seemed to think there was something more
wrong
Tarmac blood in
a ribbon vein,
running on top
of a French landscape,
sunshine and no rain;
a scar I like to call the D338.
Sunflower crowds that
move together,
follow the Sun as if
loose feathers in the wind.


Doorway women squint
into the sky,
their aprons tied tight
to their waist side pockets,
deep with recipes scribbled on paper
and the keys to their acre
behind the family's tin pan roof.


Settle your back back into your seat,
strap in to keep in line your broken spine,
keep concrete eyes on the foundation skyline;
for this is the road that sits upon an alter, the holy shrine of France.
from coffeeshoppoems.com
Death
Death, run that by me again
Do you want me to give up this life full of pain
and go off with you.
Can what you say be true?

Have I come to the end are you no longer my friend
but my foe, the one that I came to know
in those dark times.
When the rhymes would not flow and the tick of the clock sounded slow to my ears.
Are you my fears that have come home to take me?

Where is the face all ghoulish and teeth
that belief that I held?
Why do you hide just outside? please come in
Let's settle this over a tall glass of gin.
No,
Don't you grin,that look is obscene.

I have seen you before,
Once, as I lay on the floor and stared at the ceiling
I had a feeling that shadow was you
far too early but then, you knew you'd return.

So I turn and I gaze at this life
just a phase in the scheme
One more dream that is scattered
In gardens.
To grow afresh,a new bud
To come back but we knew.
we always
would.
 Apr 2013 MasikaniCrocodile
KM
I think those who self harm
Are the most under estimated.

They are the most clever they
Are the most under rated.

So I haven't cut in a month
Are those thoughts really parted?

You said it wouldn't make a difference
Are the wedding plans thwarted?

La la la la la la la

My wounds are scars
With care they are covered

Does love really exist
With bright eyes I wondered

Finally healed and
With the clouds I have hovered

My darkest of days
With them I have sundered

La la la la la la la

Recovery is a process
But I've made it through this mess

Others say they care
But you alone I wish to impress

All this work that's come
But you rid me of stress

So far away
But you make me feel like a princess

La la la la la la la
3/26/2013
I may end up revising this later.. Feedback is appreciated!!
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