I feel in my insides lurch,
I am surrounded by the smell of this old church,
the stained wood floors creak with every creep,
this seems such an odd place to weep.

A session began,
that can destroy any man,
the loss of a son, the loss of a brother,
it is a pain like no other.

My friend, my family, my sibling,
there is a lump in my throat, and I cannot sing,
surrounded by photos and one cheap flower basket,
there you lie in a dully painted casket.

Our mother bursts out and cries,
there are questions of "who's" and "why's,"
the pastor stands awkwardly and does not know,
as do I, now where do we go?

With mouth stitched closed, and eyes held tight,
now you may sleep all through the night,
you will never again have to feel hurt,
I just wish you did not have to achieve it by going into the dirt.

I just want to sleep,
to rest my head and not feel my pulsing heart beat,
to stop feeling such defeat,
but the things that keep me up are so bitter-sweet,
sweet memories of our long swims out by the lake,
bitter insomnia; the story you left me to think about in my wake,
the feeling of your warm lips on my cheek,
your arms wrapped around me feeling safe and not so weak,
but I am in a cold empty bed,
where you no longer rest your head,
clutching the blankets tight,
wishing these memories would stop; so I could just slip into the night,
but rest cannot be found,
because you are not around.

Come walk with me tonight, my dear
The moon and stars shine bright and clear
Matching the radiance you emit
To others all is dimly lit
For they can't see your face.

Through the air silent dreams do drift
The wordless void is but a gift
That keeps me longing for your voice,
By your side with humble rejoice,
In this moment with you.

I'm gone, but here we'll stay
A silence shattered with those words
echoing off picture frames
that cling to memories within.
The words return
and rest between the parting lovers' ears
where they play on in her head.
A broken record for the broken hearted.

Days, months, years pass by
yet those words bring her back
Soothing, haunting, whispering,
I'm gone, but here we'll stay

You are the air I breathe
& the water I drink
I mean you are my dreams
& all that makes me
Better yet my completion
My protection from regression
The smile I show
& the light of my soul
In a simplistic meaning
You can be called one thing
Because what you are to me they truly don’t see
That you, my boo, are “all the good in me”

he never brings me flowers
only symphonies of the moment
they speak of delicate voids
and the darkness of the season
he brings it close to my ear
and doesn't smile
the sounds drip slowly
like blood
they cut through each *****
the notes pierce through
my bloodstream
until it all falls out of me
and gathers in a pool
at my feet

i dont ask him why
i don't ask him why
because he doesn't know why
he looks and blinks
but he doesn't say why

he leaves through the back door
and walks down the driveway
i go to the sink
and i wash my hands
but the blood stains

one drink illuminated by candlelight
you sit across from me
and talk and talk
but your voice is in a low whisper
you don't want anyone
to overhear your pitiful excuses
you scold me
then feel bad
the red rose you gave me
when we first sat down
now sits awkwardly
on the small table

two drinks illuminated by candlelight
you beg me to say something
my mouth is closed
only open to the liquor
"you're acting ridiculous"
I don't respond
I ask the waiter
for another

three drinks illuminated by candlelight
I begin to envy the rose
it looks beautiful
there is no mirror
but I am ugly
I take the rose
and peel the green coat off
then the petals
until it's ugly
as ugly as I feel

four drinks illuminated by candlelight
you stand up
put on your jacket
"where are you going"
you don't answer
I watch you walk away
you don't turn around
you don't say goodbye

five drinks illuminated by candlelight
the glass is half full
the glass is half empty
the drink is gone
down into the pit
of my stomach
the seat
across from me
is empty
i toast the invisible man
he smiles

six drinks illuminated by candlelight
i don't know
why i'm sad
i just know
i feel sad
i sit
i say nothing
the glasses are scattered
on the table
my mind is muddled
my brain
is in pieces
i stand
i sit
i stand
i leave

So much of me to give to you
Now that you're absent, what shall I do?
The air is too still,
the rooms so silent
without your silver words holding back the quiet.
My sun has fled to bluer skies
yet the love in this soul
erases the tears and the cries.
Be at ease,
for my eyes are dry dear heart,
Just know you have brought me joy
and left your mark.

2009

I believe in love, I believe in hope,
I believe in hugs, I believe in jokes.
I know there is a happiness,
a truth we all can share
that encompasses compassion, strength, and care.

I believe in life, I believe in humanity,
I believe in optimism, I believe in serenity.
I believe success will be ours.
With friendship true and open hearts
is all we need to create life as art.