He promised that pretty soon
A man would land on the moon
They didn't quite make it
So he told them to fake it
It was harder than he'd presumed

A country tale from round these parts
Concerning potatoes none too large
Now over the hedge as he rode by
Old Dibber had a little spy

There was his neighbour, fork and all
Digging up spuds, but they were quite small.
With a cheer he blurted out
"Your spuds aren't much to shout about!"

Quick and sharp came the retort
"They're made for my mouth ba, not yours!"

Dinosaurs roam the land
Gathering grain while they can
Roaring beeping bellowing dust
While the weather holds they must

Big wheels rushing to and fro
Trailers to the store on tow
Keep it going rush and tear
While there's still an ear out there

Darkness comes but they don't stop
If they can they'll get the lot
Tomorrow may return the rain
Back to playing the waiting game

My dear the sight is perfect bliss
To prove the point
I will anoint
It with a little kiss
                               x

Mon  Oneday I'll be top dog
Have the sofa to myself

Tues  Chewsday all the bones belong to me
And to no one else

Wed  Walksday let's go on patrol
Throw some weight around

Thurs  Throwup day, you can clear it up
I'll sit here and frown

Fri  Dieday for the bunnies,
If I'm fast enough

Sat  Catsday, chase them up a tree
Watch them huff and puff

Sun  Funday, all of the above
For the pampered pooch
Who knows he's very loved

Don't ask me why did Jesus die
For this I don't feel qualified
Ask me why the moon is bright
Or why the stars come out at night
If you ask what happens when we die
And I say I know it would be a lie
Ask about the birds and trees
I'm happier with such as these

I met a priest from Guyana
Who's fond of his marijuana
He says even the Pope
Stashes some dope
He calls it a gift from the Father

Little boats bob
Big boats glide
There's life in the mud
An ancient church
And a pub on the other side

Wild flowers bloom in the sun
Protected by the churchyard wall
Inside rows of box pews facing East
Well maintained at least

Oddly laying at the back
A sarcophagus carved in stone
No doubt a gardener
Would value as a planter

No one comes these days she says
Pouring water in the font
Flowers ready
Only people such as us

Satisfied we sacrifice a coin
Pop it in the slot
Walk back past the tower round
The congregation underground
Through the lilting seabird song to find
Ham egg and chips and a drink
Just to wet the lips
It's the Summer time

Silence  ( say it again a bit louder martin )
Do You Want To Hear My 10 Worder?
-How long is it?
10 words!
-Well I'm not listening to anything if you shout at me
I'm not shouting, I'm just saying that a 10 worder is 10 words
-Haven't I heard that one?
This is a different one
-A different one?
Yes
-Go on then

                                        You arch your hips
                                         Little nics
                                         Crumple on the floor

-Is that it?
Yes. Do you want to hear the longer version?
-Will you make me a cup of tea first?
(makes cup of tea)

                                         You lay there beautifully
                                          Inviting me
                                          One more thing to do
                                          Before we begin
                                          Properly
        ­                                  You arch your hips
                                          Off they slip
                                          Little nics
                                          Crumple on the floor

-Mm, very nice. Have you seen my specs?
On your head
-Oh yes.

I love to watch you sleeping, I love to watch you run
We spend our days together, together we have such fun
All you ask for is the basics and a bit of company
Body language reading is your speciality

That and chasing blackbirds or anything that moves
Rats, cats or aeroplanes are all fair game to you
When I'm busy working you're good at killing time
But ready for some action when you read the signs

At ten o'clock you go to bed, I pat your head and say
Night night Dusty boy, sweet dreams
You've been a star today

At this time of year winter's grip is left behind
In every corner little signs of Spring we find
Birds are pairing up, snowdrops brave the chill
Life in the earth begins to stir
And yes, I love you still.

Election fever across the nation
Sifting truth and misinformation
We cast our vote
More in hope
Than in expectation

It's big boys and their toys
Highway cruising poise
But oh dear,
Cover your ears
What a blinkin noise!

He wheeled it out with pride
Took it  for a ride
Cornered too quick,
Felt it slip
And pranged his Electra Glide

Everything you do-
Turn it into poem food
See the world anew

Spiky cables hanging from the wall
Disappear beneath the floor
Let me try to figure out
What they all are for

Eventually we connect the lot
Turn on the power and hear-
A pop

Of course the colours have all changed
From red and black
To brown and blue
Then the blue turned back (to black)
In an effort to confuse

After lunch I see my mistake
Just take this off and use this one
Flick the switch, and oh be joyful
All the lights come on

Into the peachy clouds
A strawberry sunset spreads some light
We track across the chili fields
And climb aboard the gravy night

A chocolate pond reflects a moon
Tall hedges show the way
A startled pheasant chucks alarm
A pigeon ***** and flies away

An unseen owl shrieks hello
Foxes cough their husky bark
The dapper badger stirs below
The night shift claims the dark

The ploughman works on through the night
Engine roaring, blazing lights
In his power-walking leviathan
Guided by the satellites

On we go, the village near
We'll find a welcome there
An inglenook, a glowing hearth
A pint of hoppy beer.

You can never conquer me
I won't be bought or sold
I can take away your looks
I can make you old

I can be the enemy
I can sit and bide
Always an enigma
Sometimes on your side

Ever am I constant
Slowly passing by
When you just forget me
That's when I can fly

You can mark my passing
With an anxious frown
You can measure
You can treasure
But never slow me down

A constant disappearing
Like footprints in the sand
You can try to cheat me
But you'll never beat me
I hold the winning hand

.
Those bestowed with special gifts are duty-bound to share 
           
So open up, we're listening, let them echo everywhere

Let your thoughts emerge, take flight, travel and rebound

See them ricochet off cliff and temple, filling air with sound

An Eskimo in an igloo
Wrote a poem or two
But he couldn't get
The internet
So nobody ever knew

I saw a woman today
Her hair a burnished amber
She showed me her orchard
Her gleaming silver turbine
Her warm red Rayburn
She opened up the door
The wood glowed inside
Golden bricks in patterns on the floor
We spoke about her grandmother
Her man was there
I noticed the way he looked at her
I smiled
It's good to be alive

I've seen advertised a new car
That breaks all the records by far
Not only that
I hear it can snap
Elastic at fifty yards!

Lie back think of England
Tuck into toad in the hole
Cider with Rosie,  peaches and cream
Juggle dumplings scoring a goal

Oats in the nose-bag, flip-flop away
Doggie do in the park
Scream shout, dip in and out
On the side after dark

Wellies squidgy in the mud
Carpet burns tickling trout
Marigolds in the soap suds
Eyes askew, up the spout

My old man's in finance
He dishes out advice
He'll tell you where to best invest
But only for a price

He charges a hundred fifty
For every hour he's there
I thought he'd got a ****** cheek
I don't know how he dare

I fell out with him
I'm not that easily led
So my stash is going back
Underneath the bed

for Higgs

He wanted to see his friend
Asked mum for a lift
She said no

He did something wrong
Not a big sin
As far as sins go

Just walking in the road
On the wrong side
In the dark

His neighbour smacked him
With a wing mirror

Bread
Milk
Toothpaste
Flowers for the grave

From Grandma to you, a clock for Christmas
To hang on your bedroom wall
To show you time is useful
And important to us all

At first it's pace can seem too slow
You want to hurry up and grow
Then the years begin to fly
Till you're nearly as old as Grandma and I

But for now there's time to learn
Hundreds and thousands of things
And we hope you will enjoy
All that time soon brings

Miss Ciano you didn't do so well
Perhaps you can help us with this cloud?
We have to tame it Miss Ciano,
Go to the mountain and immerse ourselves
Let the thunder out and let it pass

Death is all part of life Miss Ciano
The last bit
You know that
You can always sit and watch the sea
If we went to Conwy we would see the sea
In Conwy
I do enjoy your daily offerings

Before our unsuspecting eyes
Like star trek
He just vapourised

But hey, it's ok
We know now friend
It's your way

We hope sincerely you'll be back
We promise not to get too close-
We know you don't want that

We hope you will return, at the time you select
Until then, fare thee well
With respect, great respect

The churchyard was nearly full up
Just one vacant, desirable plot
When a hand-written sign appeared,
It's message to all crystal clear

This plot take note I've reserved it
For one in the parish who wholly deserves it
All Ten Commandments he has observed
And faithfully his community served
So here shall lie at the end of his life
Fred the cobbler and Gracie his wife

As word got round the village saw red
To a parish meeting they summoned old Fred
There are others who wish to lay there too
This plot does not belong to you

Finally all the arguments stopped
It was first come first served for the last plot
So Fred quit the pills, became very ill
And what he wanted he got

All the bills were coming in
I've paid off all of them
There's credit on the plastic
I'm free-wheelin' again

Work is done and over
We are with our friends
Corks have popped, it's Friday night
We're free-wheelin' again

Winter's been a long one
Like it would never end
Soon the bikes are coming out
We'll be free-wheelin' again

o                                          
                          o                                                                ­                                          o
                                                               ­                                                                 ­  o
I'm a weeny fish                                                I could try blowing lots of bubbles
In a big blue scary sea                                      That would surely show'em
If I don't do something pretty soon                  Or maybe I should think a while
No-one's going to notice me                             And write a little poem

                          
                                ­    I'm a little flat fish
                                    A frightened little sole
                                    The sea is way too big for me
                                     I want to live in a bowl

How many millions have you got
I expect you lost count
It's a hellava lot
Not forgetting the splendid yacht

An artist scans a landscape
A comic distills a joke
A shopper looks for a parking space
An addict drags on a smoke

I do what I want one thing at a time
Cumulus nimbus are flying high
Follow my nose with a healthy dose
Of common sense and instinct combined

A vicar rehearses a favourite prayer
A sailor waits on a breeze
A writer sees a story there
A woodsman searches the trees

A rich man still believes he is poor
A lost and lonely is thinking if only
Patting the chair and tapping the floor

We all go chasing a bit of fun
Fulfilment comes in different ways
Like writing a poem every day

Like a shining sixpence perfect cloud
Why waste your light at bright noon day?
For when darkness cloaks us with her shroud
Who will light our way?

weeding garden, beg your pardon
I ain't nappin, doin garden rappin
weeds are goin down to the sound
of the radio poundin,
careful so the fork don't go
straight into my big toe
got seeds to sow, watch them grow
add some rain and some sun
before the summer's done
eat them all one by one
then they'll be crackin, in nature's wrappin
but now refreshment's what is lackin
nettles stinging on my skin
time to go in, quit this thing
'cos it's energy sappin
and I gotta stop this stupid rappin

So I said to this German chappie
If there were ten green bottles hanging on the wall
and one green bottle should accidentally fall
how many green bottles would there be
hanging on the wall,
you do speak English?
Nein he said

So I turned to this Frenchman I said
There's a strange smell around here
Don't you think?
He said  oui
I said I think you're right old son

All day panda girl reclines
Exercise she declines

Horsey girl will bring you luck   ( U )
Her legs are strong and she drives a truck

Bonobo girl is worth consideration
Taking account of her reputation

Cat girl charms you with her eyes
She chings her  claws and claims her prize

Crocodile girl will make you happy
Until she gets a bit too snappy

Dormouse girl may give a peep
Together you'll have a lovely sleep

Turtle girl will be just swell
If you coax her from her shell

Wallaby girl needs some space
To hop about from place to place

Tarantula girl gives you pangs
When she shows her fearsome fangs

Cougar woman's after me
Completing my  fantasy
Menagerie

Gather his things, don't mention his name
I'm afraid he's gone for a burton
Someone saw him go down in flames
He's not coming back that's for certain

There is no time for grieving now
We'll shut him out of our minds
Keep him in our memory though
In the hope of better times

Tomorrow a lad will take his place
Newly trained, freshly faced

We'll tell him everything's fine

Along the winding road of life
We travel a long, long way
But nothing  lasts for ever
Die we must one day

Some day we all will disappear
No longer to exist
For death's a bit like chocolate
It's useless to resist

If life's a gift it's a borrowed one
Which needs to be returned
But if there is an afterlife
Let's hope we take along with us
The lessons that we've learned

She lived her life like a true christian
I never once heard her complain
Even when squeezed in the vice-like grip
Of a tumour on the brain

She described a fog descending
The signs were subtle at first
We all must do our best she said
Just before she lost  her words

She passed on Sunday morning
Snow drifts lay outside
Ever the one to consider others
Her family by her side

Prosthetic monster men playing heavy rock
A laderhosened Austrian gives his squeeze box all he's got

Desperation dance routines, too hard they always try
Wailing divas, rigid smiles,
Do we laugh or cry

A Fin from the back woods plays a fiddle fast
Our song is pretty good but still we might come last

Hello Bratislava, hello Tallin, hello everyone
Votes are cast for friends as the evening never ends

At last we have a worthy winner, well done indeed to you
But with too many 'nul points'
Once more we meet our Waterloo

Amazing it was what Grandad would do
with a drop of oil or a bit of glue
Stopped watches, sticking locks
Faulty switches, zips on breeches
Kettles that wouldn't sing
Bells that wouldn't ring
He'd say let me have a look  my dear
Touch the pencil behind his ear
Adjust his specs, stick out his tongue
And in a jiff it was mended and done
But now he's not here to save us from sin
Anything broken goes straight in the bin

It's Grandad's birthday coming up
He says he wants a ******,
To entertain him in the bath tub-
Better not tell Granny

Grandma, Lucy gave birth she informed us,
and wants us all to see.

Lucy gave birth to a tortoise,
and it ran away to sea?

No Grandma, Lucy gave birth to an infant,
and she wants us all to see.

Lucy gave birth to an elephant,
today at half past three?
How did she do that?

No Grandma, Lucy has had a little one,
she's ecstatic and wants us to see.

Lucy, plastic surgery?
I'm not surprised if she gave birth to an elephant.
Shall we visit her?

Yes Grandma, what a good idea.
Shall we find your hearing aid?

What do you want a ***** for dear?

Grandma's sick
And she's not getting better
Nor will she

Everything's getting more difficult
Thinking
Eating
Drinking

She needs care now 24/7
Till the lights go out
And she goes to heaven

Granny swings her glasses round
              Celebrates
    ( She was a cheerleader )

Not one to visit graves
I find the dead poor company

I might look closer at the lichen
Or observe the yew tree canopy
Or read the names just to see how fashions change

But for those left lying there
I don't see them, they don't see me
One day I'll be like them
Scarce a memory

I don't know why I grieve today
Why it stabs me with such pain

Is it for my lovely dogs
I miss them all
But for all the joy
Always there's a price to pay

Or for the friends where tragedy
Far too soon stole them away

Or for all the mothers' sons
Who gave their lives
Behind the ****** battle lines

I don't know why I grieve today

Bill has got his garden
To keep him occupied
Judy likes to cook
Baked or grilled or fried

Ali likes to exercise
Takes pride she’s fit and strong
Peter watches tv
All day long

No one wants to fly
Even if we could
But for all the pets at home
Life’s never been so good

Folks are still marooned
Stuck in foreign lands
Everything’s been cancelled
Except for washing hands

Don’t pick up a parcel
Treat them like they bite
Stay at home if you can
It may save your life

The enemy’s invisible
Playing on our fears
The country’s running up a debt
We’ll be paying off for years

you ignore the good
     you just see bad
your glass is always empty
    it's in your head
  you're sad and mad

    nothing we can do
    nothing we can say
you make it hard for everyone
       you and me
  we wouldn't last a day