I remember that you liked smoking. Whenever I hear the lighter flicker, you'd be there. Cupping one hand around the paper stuck in your mouth. I tend to associate the smell and sound of cigarettes set ablaze with you. A week ago I tried to smoke for the first time, even though I hated it when we were together. But I miss you. And the smell of nicotine reminds me of you.

I remember that you tend to drink when you're upset. Your words turn to slurs, your eyes glisten, bloodshot. You said you'd rather drink to numb the pain than face your conflicts head on. I used to worry about you. Especially when you're driving alone late at night but you'd always get home safely. I don't have the stomach for it but four days ago I deliberately got myself drunk so I could numb my pain too. Like you.

One by one, a few days at a time, I'd think back on your bad habits and try them out. To see and feel what you felt when you did them. I'm thinking, maybe if I inhale just a little bit longer, drink just a little bit more, I could see what you have seen---that made you pack your bags and left me two weeks ago. All those precaution I took when I was with you are lost. Like throwing a pebble into the sea. Now your bad habits are mine.

-m.b

She was his moon,
his muse.
It was her name he moaned
when his heart was pierced
by Eros'
enchanted arrow.

It was her
that danced on his mind.
Her eyes and hair
he thought of every time.
But she'll never know;
She's the cause of his sorrow.

For she is lovable
but he isn't.
She's everything good in this world
and he's everything you do but mustn't.
His own kingdom he'll overthrow
just to see her again tomorrow.

-m.b

My hair smells like you. I'm reminded of when we were so inseparable before. I miss that. How close we were; we talked about so many things. How empty I felt whenever we parted. How I always felt so misunderstood my whole life until you came in, tuned into what I was saying and it's like you're the only one fluent in my language. How you had no problem understanding me, telling me things I needed and wanted to hear. I finally felt valuable. But we grew distant and as much as we try to get closer again, it doesn't seem to work.

Our bond is so cold now. I no longer feel warm in your arms. We're as cold as ice; dying. I'm trying to make it work but I don't think my efforts will be able to defrost the Antarctica of our relationship. I don't even know who you are anymore. You're like a stranger and I can't be who I am with you because you look so fragile and talking to you is like dancing on thin ice. I'm so afraid I might break you. I just hope you aren't completely frozen as a stranger.

-m.b

Sticks and stones...

Thoughts are just
sticks and stones.

But words...
They break bones.

Is this what heaven feels like? The sweet smell of your cologne filling my nostrils as I lay my head against your thumping chest. The warm feeling when I'm enveloped in your arms. The gentle way you run your fingers through my hair. The twinkle in your eyes when you look at me. The reflex of your smile when I catch you staring at me. The spreading of redness on your sculpted cheek bones. The soft voice you use when you speak to me; like a melody crafted by Orpheus himself. The caresses you rain on my skin; like you're an eager artist and I, your canvas. The soft kisses you lather me in, like I'm the most fragile thing you've ever met and you're afraid I might break beneath your touch. The protective way you hold me like you're worried that I would be taken away from you. I hope we'll never part, in this world and in the next. Every detail of your existence is a God's gift I'm eternally grateful for.

-m.b

Ten, nine, eight;
Time slows down.
It's getting late.
A smile sours into a frown.

Seven, six, five;
"Is this the best
ending for my life?"
Oxygen struggles in my chest.

Four, three, two;
I hear the angels sing.
Would you be there too?
My soul is floating.

One, one, one;**
My eyes flutter, they shut.
This isn't what I want
but I don't have the clout.

-m.b