was it just my imagination?
the fire in your eyes
the way you would slip your fingers so gently into my hair
to the back of my neck
and lay me down
the look in your eyes like no one else existed
it couldn't have been fake...

you...

memorizing my body
like your favorite piece of machinery
pulling off a part
working on it
....so thoroughly
till you believed it perfect
and put it back in place
working out all the kinks
fine tuning and revving

that had to be real....

the way you made me laugh
....so effortless
sitting by my side
saying everything with those beautiful eyes

that was real...
wasn't it??

the tears you gave me
I wish I would have bottled

just for proof
that there was something
....anything
...at one point
one brief moment in time
sitting in that restaurant
watching them well up
beneath the lashes of a liar

my one and only chance
for something to hold onto

that one real moment
ill never forget
but im sure you have

a ruse, a safe haven, a scape goat
your easy way out
the most beautiful lie
I love you.

it starts out slow
uncertain
giving off that swirling, tumbling feeling
churning in the pit of your stomach
rushing anxiety
nervously sweating
heart racing
temperature rising
veins pulsing
till you know it's coming
Yes.
absolutely everything inside is about to come out
spew from my mouth
the thin lips that cannot contain it
make me vulnerable
weak
fragile and shivering
heaving
till the last bit of it has exited the vessel
maybe now ill feel better
maybe now it will stop
how fortunate for a virus
it can come up
be released
cured
but your name sticks in the back of my throat
gags me till my vision blurs
I wish you made me virally sick
I could puke and get it over with
you are terminal
a disease that just keeps growing
burrowing into the tissue and latching on
all I want to do is puke and get you out.

Guilt.
the only one who is guilty of anything is me.
of being naïve.
your treason was so exposed.
post cards, emails, text messages.
written in my own blood.
reminding me of how faithless I have become.
it was always present,
uncontrollable,
my love for your stigmata.
enraptured me.
I took it as my own.
Sociopath, NARCISSIST, insecure...
your transference worked so well.
for someone so stupid
you always seemed smarter
more mature
.
I was the only one being stupid.
falling for those sweet,
made up lines.
that took me
hook and sinker.