Sailing round
The world
In a tin bath
Me and Fred
Thought it
Would be
A crazy laugh.
We put in a mast
We made a sail
Bloke in the
Yacht club
Said we were
doomed to fail,
All the sailors
Just Stood in awe
When we set of
we had forgotten
The oars.
This didn’t
Dampen our mood
Then Fred popped up
And said
We haven’t  packed
The food,
Hip hip hooray
From the jetty cries
Hundred yards out
Yes you guessed it
We -ucking capsized

Cryptic crossword compiler
Suddenly died.
Police
the autopsy people
Never knew why.
The crossword  compiler
Was a clever dude
Left the police lots
Off clues
Autopsy could not
shed no light
Detectives they to
not so bright.
Suicide no no no
Poison just a
step to low.
So do you want to
Know how he met his maker
Answer will be in
tomorrows paper.
If your reading this
And at a loss
Visit the cemetery
He’s buried there
Three down and two across.

A voice came in from
the deep blue sea,
From a ghostly old
Sea dog lost at sea.,
I was to carry his voice
I was to be the host,
To find his lady who
Lived once on the rugged coast.
Many cliffs I willingly climbed
With a wide smile on my face,
Till I came to a graveyard
A sweet quaint old quiet place.
There was once his widow
His wonderful beautiful bride,
I relayed his voice to her
Now alongside her
he now resides.
When I visit the seaside
And look pleasingly out to sea,
The voice of the old sea dog
Says thank you to me.

The devil and I
Are saying goodbye
We’re calling it a day,
Life’s gone colourless
Life’s gone grey
Me and the devil
Have nothing to say.
The world spins
Around my ego
No halo on my head
Our relationship
Is so
pleasingly dead.
I’m of to pastures knew
Holding my hand didn’t
Know what to do
Guess what inside
another
Devil grew,
This Devil inside
Ruined all my fun
With catastrophic
Outcome
Blew my
head of
With his
own gun.
The devil and I
have
said our
Last goodbyes.

The poetry graveyard
They call delete
Millions of words written
None shall meet.
Sentences
nouns and verbs
All forgotten
Never to be disturbed.
Poetry written
not to be read
Into the graveyard
Along with the dead.

Feels like
your drifting
Slip sliding away
The ball
started rolling,
The drifter
in you needs
To go out
and play.
The smiles
have gone
Replaced
by frowns
Go with
my blessing
And create
new sounds,
New horizons,
Views what you see
Please find in your
Heart to drift
back to me.

Lovely woman
Of a million suns
All the
planets cower,
This lonely earth
is covered
In hate,
Please takeaway
And devour.
Lovely woman
Of a million suns
I am but a beginner
Could you see it
For me to pick a
Horse’y winner.
Lovely woman
of a million suns
Your mightiness
Is true
Could it be possible
For me to make
Love to you.
We be an item
have
Thousands more
suns
Now who
could refuse
All that burning fun.

I wish I was
A penguin
So I could
Endure
This
cold.
My pet
Penguin
Loves it
But me
Im
To old.
Im in front of
Of the fire
Room still
Like deep freeze
Me pet polar bear
Curled up
Looking well
At ease.
I have a white rabbit
But he’s not
Really real
He don’t careless,
The cold he
cannot feel.

Window cleaner
Cleaned many
a pane,
What I’ve seen
Would put
Babe station
to shame.
People having
A meal for two,
Up on me ladder
I had a perfect view.
Through peoples
Windows I had
To clean,
Eye sore
carnal pleasure,
Do you know
What I mean,
Me ladders
A treasure.

Met a woman in 1984
We liked to dance
Upon the floor.
There were truths
There was lies
There was happiness
There were cries.
There was love
There was joy
Then in our lives
Came a baby boy.
We played games
And watched him grow
There were highs
There were lows.
Twenty years on a
Wonderful ride
Only to wake
They had committed
Suicide.

People see us everywhere
Me and my lady friend
We don’t really care
With our feet
We walk the streets
Ramble amble everyday
It’s always been our
Quirky way,
People we meet and greet
Are sometimes nice
And sometimes rude,
Sometimes they wish
They were like
us
Walking with out
A care in
the ****.

Madness and pain
Partners in crime
Only getting relief
A little at a time.

Joyful and love
It’s songful rap
I prefer to call it
The happiness trap.

Hope and despair
Highs and lows
Let these inside
Nothing will flow.

Truths and lies
They hide in prose,
When inside disguise.
Nothing grows

War and peace
Death and life
A Truce would
be like
Sliding down the
Edge of your knife.

Beatles or the Rolling Stones
Blur, oasis or the undertones
In life the music you choose
I prefer Rory Gallagher
Playing the blues.

Electric, electric man
Why do you make me cry
I will -ucking tell you
Your Prices are too high.

Gasman gasman
You to make me cry
Bring down your prices
The cold makes people die.

Sainsbury’s Tesco’s
You to make me cry
Profiteering *******
Food can’t be priced
This high.

All you brexeteers
Who voted let’s get out
Blame it on the Russians
Was this to a good shout.

Labour ,conservatives
got into bed with the reds
Now cap in hand to the
Americans just to get fed.

It’s all reverting back
To the bad old days
Where rich suppressed
The poor
We all know
what happened there
Two world wars.

Why are we feeding arms
It makes us lots of money
Depramental to our own
Health it’s sad
but really funny.

Im guilty as charged
I’ve committed a sin
Im keeping my sin
Tightly within
Actually I would
Rather not
I had *** with the
Wife’s sister
She’s rather hot.
I don’t even like her
The nether regions
We’re warm
All this is going to do
Is kick up a storm.
Shall I let it run
its ugly course
Keep my sin to myself
Looks like we’re heading
For divorce
What the future holds
I shall ponder and dread
All I can say her sister
Is great in bed.

Sitting on a branch
High upon a tree
I am wondering
Upon my own
Sexuality.
Am I going to
Be pigeon holed
Why can’t I
Just be me.
Problem is not me
It’s ******* society.

To people who
Read my doggerel rhymes
And ask me time from time
And by e mail ask to respond,
I don’t have anything
Intelligent to say
I do apologise
It’s just the way.

Doggerel is the way to go
Going to master the art
In the bad poetry show
Useless lyrics
Worthless rhyme
I’m getting better
Just give me time
Ditties are crazy
Limericks funny
Writing doggerel
I’m on the money.
Hey ****** ******
The cat had a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed
To see such fun so
The cat did a little bit more.
Are these the words of a
Doggerel poet
I’m  not very good and
I think I know it.

Riding this horse
Through glens
And dales
being chased
By demons and
Witches that wail.
Being closed down
At very high speed
Now Im thinking
I shouldn’t have
Smoked that ****.
The horse then
Turned into a unicorn,
In my right hand
Appeared a brass horn
I put to my lips and blasted
Out a tune
What was I hearing 99
Red balloons
Still this tune upon
This day
Kept those demons
and witches away.

Afraid of you
Yes I am
Your like a grenade
In a bake bean can.
Volatile excited loon
Your the lead weight
Inside a big fat balloon,
Your the fire from
The lighted candle
Very lovely to hard
To handle.
Electric wire
In a bucket of water
I think I’d be hung up and
Lovingly tortured.
For me you sweetheart
To many ifs and buts,
So Im going to decline
And you can keep
Your legs shut.

I can’t get you
Out of my mind
When I needed,
You were so kind.
Act of kindness
Done with style
In my mind this
Will stay awhile
Beautiful thoughts
You are so kind
I just can’t get
You out of my mind.

She’s got the look
The image just right,
She’s got the look
Intelligent so bright.
She’s got the look
Heart of gold
She’s got the look
Always hot never cold
She’s got the look
Bucketfuls of humour
She had the look
She died of a
brain tumour

He was old
And died
He was old
Now in our
House it’s going
To be cold
Minus one.

I am this
You are that
You wear a beret
I wear a hat
I am what I am
You is what you is
I hit the target
Sometimes you miss.
Life isn’t flat
We deal with that.
I touch that
You touch this
You hit the target
Sometimes I miss
Standing in front
Of  each other
wearing just a hat
I think we can
Both deal with that.

Is this rather sinister
An alien is our
Prime Minister
A devouring
snake,
Voting it in
was a
Big
mistake.
Bit by bit
This
slithery diva
Canny **** this
Alien deciever,
Next election
I am going to
vote for
Sigourny Weaver.

I’m Still running,
Running
Up the track,
Being **** scared
Never looking
Back.
Stations to the
Left of me,
Stations to the
Right
Still I’m running
All through
The ****** night.
See
I was sitting
On the
Pub wall
Drinking
Lots of cider,
Then out of a
Tree
Came a
ten ton
Spider.

Hippos and the Elephants
Arranged a charity
football match
The pitch was laid
Goals were put in
Supporters came along
Wow they could sing.
Hippos won the toss
Decided to
Kick of
Left to
right.
The whistle
blew
The game
was tight.
A slow drawn affair
Played into the night,
Sixty ***** later
Everything trampled
Insight.
The referee blew the
Final whistle and
Started a fight.
0-0 was the final score
Nine hours of play
For a ****** draw,
Next match is between
The alligators
And the lions
This is a ticket
Im not buying.

Yippee I’ve won
The lottery
Picked some numbers
Now out of poverty.
Buy a big mansion
Buy a Rolls Royce
Let’s have a big party
Let’s ******* rejoice.
Buy a big jet
Sights to see
Attract beautiful
Women
just right
For me
Spend spend spend
That’s what I did
Unfortunately
For me
I had only
won
Twenty quid.

Every morning
When you wake
My mornings
Come alive.
I Watch you dress
Put your make
Up on
I do smile as the
Day goes on.
Then at night
When you disappear
I begin to sulk
Having nothing
To leer.
When you return
And the lights go on
All your beauty
Is back where it belongs
In the morning I will
See you later
Your ever
loving
wallpaper.

The chimes of your bell
Never to return
You went to your death
My heart will burn,
Im lost without you
I will have to pray
That our chimes
Can be together
One summer day,

I walked a crooked mile
Had to many pints
Of Guinness.
While Zig zag walking
It made the locals smile.
Half an hour later
Should be nearly home
Im going to have a chatter
To the big white telephone.
Late for work
Might get the 45
After a good Guinness
Session it’s good to be alive.

Walked a
crooked mile
Climbed a
crooked stile
Had a
crooked we we
All with a
crooked smile.
Went through
a crooked door
Said hello to
my crooked wife
I’ve never
been so
crooked Drunk
in my entire life.
Fell into my
crooked bed
Then the room
went crooked
Inside my
Spinning head
Then up come
the crooked Food
that I been
duly fed
I’d been to a
Crooked party
Hosted by
Crooked people
In a city
Called Salisbury
That has a
Crooked steeple.

Call my dog
Broken glass
Because he is
always
Licking his
****** nose.

Had a little budgie
Thought it was
A canary
This little non
Yellow bird
We called our Fred

Had a big cat
Furry and pink
When it shat
It would ******
Well smell
like odour
Cologne.
Nurse nurse where are you
It’s not me it’s disturbing
Be grateful lunatic
I’m coming to get you
Okay you heartless *****
Give me a kissy mummy.

Birthdays have lost
There happiness
Playgrounds gates
Have closed
Corruptive politicians
Are going unopposed.

Where will the children play
When trolls and hatred
Have there wicked way
Definitely not on
Social media
Where lots of them
become prey.

Children become adults
Social media is their addiction
Lots of propaganda
Lots of friction
Where will the adults play
When media has its way.

Me and my woman
We our stuck in a duel
I light the fire
She pours on the fuel.
Ranting and raving
We’re still misbehaving
There’s never a day
When she’s got nothing
To say
I don’t think we shall
Have it any other way.
She wrote on a note
Now it still wears thin
In this duel I shall
Always win.
Okay with me
That’s perfectly fine on
One sunny day I’ll
Poison your wine.

Poor poor Lilly
Tattered and torn
Been this way
From the day
She was born,
Had a family
Of  Jackals  and
Nasty Crows
No one took interest
In poor Lillies woes.
Life was hard there
Was no relief
The abuse got bad
Went beyond belief.
Lilly had a white dress
It was her party
Her 21st
She invited all her family
To quench their thirst.
Everybody was there
Abusers and all
Then to her,
she made
The right call
She stood on the table
And with aplomb
Pressed the button on
Her phone and off
Went the bomb.
The house of the Jackals
The house of the Crows
There now a piece of land
Where nothing grows.

Rubber ducky
His real name is Bert
Turned down
United
To wear the
City shirt
Ducky was a red
But now a blue
It’s only the
Supporters
Who stay loyal
And true.

Gingerbread man
Gingerbread man
Running hundred
Metres as fast as
You can
Up to the winning line
He tripped
He gave a cough
And his head fell off.
Tragedy for the
Gingerbread man
His head falling of
Wasn’t in his plan,
Crossed the line
Ginger had finished
The race
Not before the dog
Ran on and ate
His tasty face.

My sweet lady of the night
Send me into the morn
You took me to the limit
Took me higher than before
Loving you is easy
It takes the way the pain
Stopping all the bad thoughts
Which are imprinted
On my brain.
My sweet lady of the night
Thoughts of you i smile
Bring me back down from heaven
And close your pearly gate.
I’ve got work tomorrow
And I am going to be
****** late.

Im a ******
Fruity cake
Narcissistic
I’m a fake.
Im bombastic
Un fantastic
Non aspire
A very good liar.
Im offensive
Very defensive
Self harmer
Non charmer.
Sick in the head
Not easily led
Sharp as a spoon
A capable loon.
Im a teaser
Not an appeaser
Im not well
Reading this
you can tell.
To all those trackers
I have to say,
My profile is
Im just crackers.

Memoirs of Brian the snail
A story is attached
Where he left a trail,
Happenings were of the scale
In the life of Brian the snail.
Memoirs were written
Stories did unfold
Of Brian the snail
A killer and cold.
His adversary in his memoirs
He Would plug
Was his nemesis
Freddie the slug,
A trail of destruction
Till Freddie was dead
Brian had done his job
That’s what  his memoirs read..

Sweet Caroline
Amazing grace
Brooklyn roads
Lead to a
Beautiful place.

Kentucky woman
My crackling rose
Red red wine
Had tasteful prose

Cherry cherry
My porcupine pie
Stones would play,
I was done to soon
Song sung blue
Under a purple moon

Solitary man
Forever in blue jeans
Had fantastic poise,
Every September morn
Made a beautiful noise

Desiree made me
A loving believer
Made love on
The rocks
I just couldn’t
Leave her.

BBC and the sycophants
Brown tongued individuals
In silky underpants.
Jimmy the leader
Left with a ***** stain
Ooh do you feel the pain.
Platform for propaganda
Just like sky,
they
Like there slander.
This new image that
They try to portray
Is still full of sycophants
In a Shakespeare play.
Brown tongued individuals
Playing  the game
Deep inside it still
Won’t accept the blame.

Living the dream
Im Mr Munch
stuck
In the
scream.

I am dandy
A little
bit queer
Im Frans Hal
The laughing
Cavalier.

I am beautiful
I like to sing
Vermeer said
I could be
The girl with
A pearl earring.

Leonardo’s
Eyeball pleaser
Forever smiling,
I am Mona Lisa

Rembrandt
What have
you done
Look you ****
Im not the
prodigal son.

John Mahler Collier
His brush strokes
Went of course
I am
Lady Godiva
On a white horse.

Got myself in a bit of a mess
Insult William the conqueror
I do confess
He wasn’t pleased
He felt a bit sick
I started the war in 1066.

Spanish armada
Francis drake
I sunk all the ships
It’s just  deep fake.

Great Britain is my home
It has a mighty roar
I got up to a bit of
Mischief
And caused a civil war.

Boer war
I had to settle a score
We had a fight
We called a truce
With my mate Bruce
It was a honourable  draw.

I was on HMS Victory
Cruising up the Nile
I caused a bit of raucous
It made old  Nelson smile.

I caused the First World War
Bucket and ***** in hand
I was on holiday
Accidentally
killing my best mate
Archduke Ferdinand .

Sitting at home in 39
Bored with nothing
To do
That’s where I had the
Idea
To start World War Two

Troubled I was
I needed to play
Crossed the ocean
Went to the USA
There I concocted
My next mischievous
Plan
I got the Americans to
Invade Vietnam.

Hope I haven’t offended
With this  bravado rhyme
I just me despicable me
You got it  Im
Planning world war three.

Sunshine’s on open fields
Combine harvester
Reaping  its yearly yield,
Murmuration of starlings
On the wing
Blackening the sky
While the morning sings.
Clouds making shapes
In the sky so blue
Morning ramblers
Taking in the views
Every morning is like
A Shakespeare play
Every year month and day.

Lost as lost
As lost can be
Squares are
Fitting into circles,
This is confusing me.
Running thoughts are
Scattered inside
My  broken mind
Life has flipped and
Gone unkind,
The scent of my lover
I shall not smell
The unforgivable *****
Ran off to hell.
She needed a devil
She needed fun but
Im going for a coffee
And a hot cross bun.

Sleeping cornfields
Waiting for the sun
Fawns are grazing
Morning has begun.
Dew upon the
Meadow green
Waking pastures
So serene.
Wind is whistling
Through the trees
Birds upon the breeze
Fox and hares do there
Morning dance
It’s such a pleasure to see.
Pathway walkers
Bring in the morn
To catch a glimpse
Of the baby fawn
Slice of cake and a cup
Of tea
Breeze is in my face
Countryside mornings
Can you think
Of  a better place.

Lyrics are drowning
While the
Music plays on.
Splashes are getting
Bigger
from this
dying song.
Staves are crumbling
The music
plays on,
waves are
Devouring
Notes
of this
Grand
old song,
Clef is going down
With a sinking stave
Notes are not in order
Starting to misbehave .
Crotchets and minims
They don’t agree
All of this rhyme
Was lost deep in
Middle C.

Mr snowman
Made from
flakes
Bringing it
in from
The cold was
big mistake.
This was sad
As I feared
The flaky
white
Snowman
disappeared.

Good old violent Jane
You can’t accuse of
Being plain,
She has no understanding
She might be a bit insane.

She has no empathy
Her feelings have gone awry
Being angry with people
Will always make her cry.

30 odd emotions
Poor Jane gets quite confused
When she go's of on one all
Her friends are all bemused.

They say she’s a character
But her behaviours
Are controlling her
Good old violent Jane says
She can only concur .