I can reminisce about hearing the quote, "Some infinities are bigger than other infinities." Now in the present day I'm more near to the understanding. In this certain moment my mind is cluttered with a certain category of infinities. ***, relationships, appearance, conversation, dating, personalization, and self-esteem. This experience of profanity has my attention in a bind. Or would be call this profanity? I haven't the slightest idea. I have this attraction, I have this intense desire. And I have a particular longing and needing. But my emotions are always different; never the same. At a point, my desire for sexuality has never been higher. And at a different point, it could never go lower. He revealed to me his entire being, which to me was never intended. We live in a world of confusion. The land of the unknown. We fear what we do not know. Do we know anything about this? Do we know what the other is thinking? Or what they mean? Or their intentions, actions, or thoughts? I believe against that. We will never know. Only once in the greatest while do we put someone else into prospective. WE care only for ourselves and what we want. No is starting to mean yes. *** is starting to mean marriage. Relationships are starting to mean appearance, or self-esteem. Conversations is starting to mean personalization. Ideas are different. Opinions are different. Goals are different. And in the end, minds and lives are never to be in comparison. Respect is coming out to have no connection whatsoever to responsibility. Changes are dramatic. Society is the evilest of all evil. Minds are tuned, and so are stomachs. This world has to so greatly. Differentiation is something some wish to be a necessity. Real generalizations, and to practice realism without assumptions would be the greatest glory. These thoughts are probably irrelevant to the most abstract minds. Minimization and magnification are used repeatedly; maybe even without recognition. What shall I do to speak my mind without judgement; and be the change I wish to see? To see a different way of seeing. To display examples of the contrast in minds. I have an answer to this, "What shall I do," question. It would be to learn that some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

Perhaps i live my life internally
living by the fear of the unknown
never knowing what to think
what to do
what to portray
what do say
My mind is screaming
but my mouth
only a whisper is released
my body is drowning
but no one notices the suffering
I keep my thoughts internal
and all of my battles
are fought internally
They say to demolish what destroys you
but what if its myself that is destroying me
They will never know
because i will never say
I will keep on how i always have been
to keep everything in internally

Suffering
is the landscape
of life.

Hope is
the sustenance
of life.

To avoid suffering
is to avoid life.

Love yourself.

Love other's
even though
they don't
deserve it.

Be gentle
with yourself,
even when utterly
fatigued and
victimized.

Make you life
a poem that
you create
and hold it
close to your
heart.

The best
you can do
is all you can do.

  ~mce

Asking for help is not the problem, but the guilt afterwards is. The telling of my emotions would be bearable without the feeling in the familiar aftermath. If I reveal what happened, the explanation would be unknown. The confusion, questions, and anger of what I did would control me. I would have to explain. I would have to explain why. "Why did you do that?" "Why didn't you tell me?" "What was going on?" "I'm so sorry." "Are you okay?" "Is there anything I can do to help?"

NO.

What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to respond? How will I get through a day without all of that?

Do I ignore it? Do I try to make them understand? But both of those options are useless. They're both not worth my time or tears; but my questions still remain unanswered. I don't know. And at the time I couldn't care any less.

I care too much, I don't care enough. I say too little, I say too much. My current quest is to discover the happy medium between this all. Today, tomorrow, or never? Which will it be?

Give me passion. I want it. I need the fire. I want my heart to beat again. I need to feel alive. Give me someone. Give me love. I want a life. I want it now. I need the lips. I need the kiss. Give me loyalty. Give me someone. I want the blood. I need the scars. I want my skin to scream. I need to feel alive. Give me someone. I want it. I want to love. I need the love. I want it. I need it. Give me the moon. Give me strength. Give me pain. Give me addiction. I want it. I need it. Give me sparks. Give me death. I want it. I need it. Give me shots. Give me rope. Give me blades. Give me knives. I want it. I need it. Give me desire. Give me longing. I want it. I crave it. I need the *****. I need the drug. I need someone. I want it I need it. I want more. I need more. Give me love. I need passion. I want the fire. I need the sparks. I need the stars. I want a heart that's healed. I want the lips. I want the kiss. I need the touch. I need the breath. Give me love. Give me someone. I want it. I need it. I want truth. I want purity. But need regret. I want worthwhile. I need it. I need it. I want the difference. I need the matteration. I want life. But I need death. I want company. But I have loneliness. I want light. But I'm stuck in the darkness. I want heaven. I want hell. I want. I want. I want. I want forever. I want you. I need you. I crave you. I want you. Give me nothing. But I need nothing. I want everything. But I need nothing. Give me blood. Give me death. Give me rope. Give me guns. I want peace. I need rest. I need happiness. But I have sadness. I need the blood. I need the scars. I need death, for it is above all. I have nothing. And so I'll need death. Give me forever. Give me regret. Give me heaven. I have the transportation. Give me the right vein. Give me strong rope. I now have rest. I now have happiness. I now have love. And I now have someone. Above all.