I am sick
Of feeling down
Like an anvil is on my chest

I am tired
Of your voice grinding my eardrums
Making me feel
Unworthy

I am done
With this lifestyle
That I have been living

I hate
This view
You have of me
As if I am less than dirt

You told me
To gain confidence
Learn to speak my mind

So this is me telling you
I'm sick of your lies
I'm tired of your voice
I'm done with this place
*I am done with you

We were nine
Can still remember
Our little hands parted
And you left
Went far away
I cried
And you weren't there

I got my first ever letter in the mail
It was from you
I sent one back the moment I'd read yours
But you didn't respond for months

I finally got to see you again
We spent days laughing
And then we had to leave, and you hardly said goodbye

We meet every year
Almost
I was always so excited to see you
But then one day
I ran into your house
And you weren't there
You were with someone else

We were eighteen
I was in Washington
You were in Ohio
Forever apart
And he left you
I was there

But later when my heart was broken
You weren't there

When I started volleyball
You weren't there

When I got my first
Amazing job
You weren't there

When I lost weight
I hadn't spoken to you in weeks
And I knew you were off work
And all I wanted to do
Was tell you
But you weren't there

Are you sensing a pattern?

I guess I'm just tired of being
Second
Always second

This wasn't meant to happen,
This fluttering called love
It all began one cold fall day
When you forgot your glove

I'd seen your face many times
You'd been in here before
Your order is "One large mocha,
And a number twenty-four"

You said your name was Adam
And I guess it's meant to be
Because my imaginary friend
Was Adam Backlebee

The day this all began,
Was blustery and cold
And neither one of us forknew
Your hand was mine to hold

"I'm sorry, please excuse me",
You muttered, passing by
But little did you know,
Your little grin had caught my eye

You smiled bigger, looking back
And then I was done for
Cupid's arrow of red hearts
Had pierced me to the core

And here we are, years later
And you're down on one knee
So here's to you, and here's to us
And our eternity

No matter how
Much sleep I get
No matter how many
Pills I take
I am still drifting
Through life
No, existence
As though I am
Watching the waves
Of pale snow wash
Over the ground
I am alone
I am cold
I am scared
And often times
I don't know if I'm really here
Or if I am only a dream
I didn't want this
I didn't ask for it
But now the screams
In my head
Grow ever louder
And the pain in my chest
Ever more bitter
All I wanted was
To live
Nay
To exist
But oh, Lord
What I must have done
To deserve life
In such a hell
As this

It started slowly
The impending doom
Something I knew
Was coming soon
I could feel it washing over me
Like the cold harsh waves
Of the ocean
Before a storm
And it's bitter,
This pill of mine
Sometimes it goes down sideways
And there are days
When I can't breathe
Other days
It's a little better
And my future days
Seem a little bit
Brighter
But the more I live
And love
The more I realize
That
I am broken
And I am afraid
And I am afraid of my brokenness

Everyone is happy
To accommodate you
When you are young
"She has some problems"
"She'll grow out of it"

But they don't tell you
When you're older
You have to figure it out on your own
On your own

2AM is the devil's hour
It is then that your sleep slips away
Like the sun gives way to moon
And it is then that your demons
Come out to play.

One day it will be over
One day the pain will stop
One day with every breath I take
My heart and soul won't drop

One day I'll breathe again
With ease I'll find my sleep
One day our trials will go away
We'll finally get some peace

One day these walls won't know my tears
As well as they do now
But here I'm barely staying here
I'm trying not to drown

We're held back by hard "what ifs"
And chained by cold "somedays"
If I can say anything, it's that
One day we'll be okay

Some turn to drink
And some turn to grass
We all turn to things
That we know will not last

But oh my beloved
Remember always
We all have our demons
That won't go away

I miss the way things used to be
I miss the way we were
I miss the love I felt all day
And how I felt so sure

I miss the way we'd fellowship
Sing and talk late at night
I miss the way we were together
Fighting the good fight

I miss the laughter that we shared
And all the bitter tears
And how it felt that all that stuff
Would last for years and years

I miss all of the time we spent
Learning more and more
Of nooks and crannies we had found
In our hearts and souls

I hope we come again one day
To where we used to be
Where we can talk and sing again
Of where we long to see.

Even with all the hardship
The heartbreak
The death
The lies
And evil of this world,
There is still some good.
There is still the moon reflecting off dark water
There is still birds singing in the sun
There are still nights like tonight
And it's nights like this,
With the window open to the cold air
The stars and moon shining
The violin crickets
Good music
And old friends
That make all the sorrows
Of this world
Worth it

If I could tell you anything
If any words could fall from my lips
And slip into your ears
I would say
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that even though
You are so blissfully
Beautifully happy
I can't be happy for you
I'm sorry
Because right now
I'm so unhappy with myself
That it's hard for me
To be happy for anyone else

It's fall
And the trees are changing
Daintily dropping their leaves
To the grateful ground
Wind whispering through their branches

It's fall
And the rain is pelting
Perfect
Against my window
Inviting me to stay inside
With hot tea
And a good book

It's fall
And the smells are enchanting
Cinnamon
Pumpkin
Wet grass after a long storm

It's fall
And I'm wearing sweatpants
Giant sweaters
And long socks
Warming my feet by the fire

It's fall
And the cool wind
Rushes through my hazel hair
Laughing
And tossing itself about my
Face

It's fall
And squirrels are everywhere
Hiding food
And chattering
To each other
Across the trees

It's fall
And my bed is inviting
Warm,
Cozy,
Safe,

It's fall
And I want to lose myself
In a good book
A fire
And myself

It's fall
And I feel at peace

I Hopeless sinner
Have been made
A *Hopeful saint

I am not in love with you
The way you are with him
I don't get butterflies
And goosebumps on my skin
I don't want to touch you
I'm not haunted by the might-have-beens
But darling, oh my darling,
I love you

I don't want to share our beds
In dark hotels at night
I just want to watch the stars
And hold you oh so tight
I don't want to kiss you
I just want to give you my whole life
And darling, oh my darling
I love you

I love how your lashes sweep
Over your sleepy eyes
I just think you're more lovely
Than all the sweeping skies
You don't have to love me
I just wish there was a compromise
*** darling, oh my darling
I love you

I love you as I love myself
And often even more
If I am every ocean wave,
Then you must be the shore
There's something in your eyes
I just love the way I am done for
And darling, oh my darling,
I love you

My best friend, I adore you
And yet, you adore him
He is the lover of your life
And I am just a friend
I don't want you to leave him
I just want you to let me in
*** darling, oh my darling,
I love you

And when one day you remember
The days when we were forever
Darling, oh my darling,
I'll still love you

I can't promise many things
A country house
Wedding rings

I can't promise all that much
To love you forever
Or to bring you stuff

I can't promise you the sky
Or to be your friend
Or to never lie

I can't promise you'll be the first
To hear my doubts
Or heal your hurt

I can't promise I'll always be there
To give you comfort
Or secrets to share

I can't promise I'm not a mess
But I can promise I'll do my best.

He does love us
He does hear us
He does know us
He does hear our cry

But He is not held
By the standards
Of what we believe is good
He has His own standards
To which we
Sinners
Creation
Must adhere.

*"He does not afflict willingly, nor grieve the sons of man."

We are all
Like Simon-Peter
Sinking below the waves
And we are so
So close
To safety
If only we take the hand of our
Savior.

I confess
I am ugly
I confess
I am broken
I confess
I have a heart of stone
I confess
I am a sinner
I confess
I am helpless
I confess
I am hopeless
I confess
I am unworthy
I confess
I am prideful
I confess
I am hateful
I confess
I need a Savior
I confess
I am weak
I confess
I am weary
I confess
I am dead
I confess
I am a prisoner

But ugly
Broken
Stone-hearted
Sinning
Helpless
Hopeless
Unworthy
Prid­eful
Hateful
Savior-needing
Weak
Weary
Dead
Prisoner
That I am,

He took me
And made me
Beautiful
Whole
Flesh-hearted
Perfect
Helpful
Hopeful
Worthy
H­umble
Loving
Savior-needing
Strong
Awake
Alive
And free

And that is a debt
I can never
Will never
Ever
Repay

But I don't need to-
He paid it for me

And now
Now
Now
I am free.

Pray
Pray even if you don't speak out loud
Even if you've never prayed before
Even if all you do is say "Thank you"
Even if you fall down on your knees
Begging for peace

Pray
Pray even if you can't feel Him near
Even if He hasn't spoken back
Even if all you do is let tears fall
Even if you raise up your hands to Him
And ask forgiveness

Pray
Pray even if you haven't seen Him
Even if you haven't felt His hand
Even if  you scream in anger
Even if you have lost all your strength
And any hope

Pray
Pray even if you have nothing left
Even if you have been hurt badly
Even if you think He hates you
Even if you don't think He hears you
He will listen

Just speak to Him

Daytime
I can do daytime
I can go to work, and go shopping
I can go to dinner with an old friend
I can get dressed up and spend money till the cows come home
But nighttime
Nighttime is different
I can't do nighttime
That's when the demons come
They hunt me
Haunt me
Tell me lies
They tell me everything I believe
Everything I ever have believed
Is wrong
They tell me it's a hoax
And that's what I can't take:
All the noise
All this **** noise
It never leaves my head
It's like a thunderstorm
In my mind
Like a light switch
And ******
I can't
Turn
It
Off

I'm sick of being sick
I'm sick of feeling pain
I'm sick of all the heartache
That I feel from day to day

I'm tired of doing nothing
I'm tired of being ill
I'm tired of all the answers
Being one more nasty pill

I'm tired of the physicians
I'm tired of All their "cures"
I'm tired of staying up all night
Just trying to wipe my tears

I'm done with being tired
I'm done with being sick
I'm done with all the doctors
Thinking I'm so thick

I know I'm just a patient
Another one to diagnose
I know I'm just a person
Shoving more pills down my throat

I feel like I am fading
I feel like I am dead
Like everyday is just more hours
Filled with blinding dread

I wish it could be over
I wish I could be done
I wish in place of all the cold
That I could feel the sun

God, I want to go home now
Can't do this anymore
I want to fold within your arms
Upon the golden shore

How long will you leave me here
A ghost within a cloud
How long will you keep me
Amongst the noisy, painful loud?

Sharp pain climbs up my bones
And clutches at my skin
My favorite part of every day
Is finally giving in

Someone tell me good things
That it will be over soon
And soon my bones will rest in dirt
Beneath the quiet moon

I am a depressed, anxious insomniac who has never to her memory gone an entire day without being in physical pain. I am a migraine-afflicted, allergy-suffering, chronic-pain-having, fibromyalgia-surviving, lonely beast in search of someone bright enough to give what is left of my heart to. But like a phoenix, I am risen from the ashes day after day, sustained by the belief-the faith that one day I will be taken away from this agony, and never again will I feel the pain I do now. I survive only by the hand of an almighty God, who has promised perfect peace if I only speak to Him day by day.

I'm good-ish with words,
so I'll use them to say
That you're​ my best friend
In every single way.
You make me smile,
And tow me around
And you laugh at me
When I fall to the ground

But I guess it's okay,
That's what best friends do
And I have to say,
You are my muse,
You're my inspiration
The thoughts in my head
I pray for you daily
when I go to bed

You've been there for me,
I've been there for you,
We've argued and fought,
But we made it through.
God gave me your smile,
He gave me your laugh
He gave me your love, and
We never looked back.

I don't know too much,
But this much, I do,
I don't want to live
in a world without you.
God gave me your hugs
And your friendship to treasure
And this much I know:
I'll love you forever.

So here's to the laughs
And here's to the pain
Here's to the sun
And here's to the rain,
Here's to the smiles
On both our faces
Here's to the miles
In all of life's races

And here's to the God
Who pushed us together
Forming a bond
That will never sever
And here's to you,
Dearest of hearts
Here's to the ends
And here's to the starts

Here's to the coffees,
The rough, and the tough
The time I spend with you
Is never enough
Here's to a future
With you and with me,
I don't know what will happen
But I can't wait to see.

So here's to the loveliest,
The dearest and best,
Here's to the Skype calls
And getting no rest
I love you more than
All these words can say,
But here's to the love
That will always stay.