Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2024

I asked God if he loved me
He said "of course I do"
I told him I don't feel it
So how could it be true?

I told Him I feel broken
And lost and so unloved
So how could He claim to love me
If I didn't feel beloved?

I told God I was angry
And felt fear and hate inside
I never really understood
How to see through the lies

I told Him I was tired
And I didn't want to fight
Asked how I could hold a sword
When I'm bleeding deep inside.

I told God I was lonely
And I wanted someone near
He told me that He loved me
And He is always here

I told God that I wanted more
To be held and be known
I felt like it wasn't enough-
His ruling from a throne

I asked God if He loves me
He said "Of course I do"
I told Him I don't feel it
So how could it be true

I told God I was weary
And I wished to see His face
And if I looked upon it,
I'd better feel His grace

He said to trust His timing
To wait, and to be brave
And He'd prove it's not my feelings
But myself He came to save

I don't always FEEL like He loves me. In fact, a good deal of the time, I FEEL like he doesn't. Life is long and hard, and I am a sinful woman. I sin, which makes me FEEL like I am further away from Christ, and that FEELING drives me to sin even more by doubting that He is with me at all. I am a loveless, depressed, angry, impatient, unkind, wicked, unfaithful, harsh, chaotic sinner, and I often FEEL like that makes me unacceptable to God. But I have this hope: That He didn't come to save perfect people. He came to save people like me. People who are lost, and broken, and angry and afraid. He didn't come to save my FEELINGS. FEELINGS are fleeting and deceiving. I can't trust them. But I can trust the one who promises to give me love that trumps my lovelessness, joy that conquers my depression, peace that washes away my anger, patience that overcomes my impatience, kindness that tears away my unkind heart, goodness that breaks apart my wickedness, faithfulness that covers my unfaithfulness, gentleness that soothes my harshness, and self-control that teaches me to do away with chaos. I can't trust my FEELINGS, but I can trust Him.

Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2024

Dear Mama

I'm sorry that you raised me to be better than I am
I'm sorry that I told you I was fine, *** it's a sham
And I'm sorry that I missed every bar that you held high
I wish that I could tell you I'm okay, but that's a lie

I'm sorry that I spilled that drink and broke that porcelain cup
I wish that I could fix it, but there's no patching me up
I'm sorry for the hateful things I tell me in my head
And I'm sorry you wanted a daughter and you got a mess instead

I feel like I can't even talk to her anymore. It's not her fault, I just wish I could be okay for her. I'm sorry, mama that I couldn't be normal and okay.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2024

Be Brave

Do it afraid
Do it scared
Do it with scars
And cuts and bruises
Do it with blood on your hands
Do it with tears running down your face
Do it with pain in your chest
Do it hyperventilating
Do it with unsteady steps
Do it angry
Do it sad
Do it holding someone's hand
Do it with a scream
Or do it silent
Do it with your **** hands shaking
But do it.

Don't mistake fear for cowardice. And don't let that fear control you. Let it tell you "You are brave, and you can do this, even with your hands shaking."

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2024

Should The Worst Befall

Often I was subject to another’s whims
In fear of sinking, I pretended to swim
To sickening stomach, the lights start to dim
And feral dark torture spreads all through my limbs

"Unclean!" I was crying, "Unclean I've been made!"
And a swift "goodbye" to my innocence bade
And as with a whip, my young mind-it was flayed
The putrid for innocence given in trade

I did what they wanted, hoping for the best
Despite my belief, compliance is a jest
So I let the weight settle, heavy on my chest
And I tried to forget, ignoring the rest

They did things to me I can barely contrive
I bent to their will, claiming to be alive
I let them abuse me, hoping I'd revive
We do what we have to so we will survive

I'm finally getting to a point where it's easier to talk about what happened. That's what's so scary- if I can talk about it, it's real. The memories, the discomfort, the reactions...all real. But I'm healing. Slowly, but I'm healing.

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2024

Shaking

I'm shaking again
The words in my head follow down through my skin
My head starts to spin
I'm haunted by things I don't want to let in

I hate to remember
I hate thinking back on what burns me like embers
I can't even speak
I can't make my lips tell others why I'm weak

The words won't come out
Trapped beneath skin where they echo and shout
The tears broke me through
They run hot and steady, leave shame in their lieu

My breathing is heavy
Thinking of past things makes my heart unsteady
I'm going to die
And I'll pass on while still not knowing why

They're just words to say
But more- they course through me insistent to stay
Someone hold me
But don't touch me please, I'm afraid you will see

Please squeeze me tightly
Remind me that nightmares are not only nightly
But stay far away
Don't take a step closer or I'll break again

I'm torn between thoughts
Remem'bring what happened and what did not
So help me, I'm screaming
Somebody tell me that I'm only dreaming

And please take my life
I already live on the edge of a knife
And when I am gone
Perhaps after death I can fin'lly move on.

My hands shake, so does my heart. I can see in my head pictures of what happened like I watched it happen to myself. Everything goes foggy and muffled, there is nothing but me and the frightful memories. I hate that so many things remind me of what happened. I hate that I can't even say the name of what happened. Tears come, burning in my eyes along with the pain and shame. I start to hyperventilate, then wonder if I'm going to die from feeling all of this, wonder if maybe that wouldn't be so bad. I want to be held, but I don't want anyone to touch me. The thought of someone's hands on my skin makes me nauseous. I know what could have happened, but I also know what SHOULD have happened, and more than that I know what DID happen. And oh my soul, why can't I think of it or speak of it without trembling? For anyone who is reading this, does that ever go away? I want to shed the chains of what happened, I want to claim the words that have such control over me right now, and most of all I want to forget. I want to forget everything. My gosh I want to forget everything that ever happened.

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2024

Even Tide

I don't believe we come from the ocean
But I do believe that there is a reason
We are so made up of water
And I believe that the same Person who made the tides
Put the same things in our veins
Our hearts long for the ocean
Because it is inside of us
And it longs to return to its home.

Some famous author said that we come from the ocean. I don't believe that's true, but I do believe that there's a reason why we are so drawn to the tide - a reason why we have such a fascination with stories of pirates and vikings. It's because they have lived the lives that something inside us aches to live. A life where all water returns to its source.