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Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023
How is it that we can be so gentle
And protective of others
While being so harsh
And violent with ourselves?
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2023
People ask me
How I lost so much weight
And what's my secret
And I just don't have the heart to tell them
That it wasn't healthy eating
Or exercise
It was the fact that for the last year
I've been slowly maintaining myself
On stress and tears
And eating them for every meal
"I'm not okay." That seems to be a mantra to me lately, it's so often on my lips that I may as well have it tattooed there so that I don't have to waste my breath.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
I open the door
It's been a long day
But a smell drifts down the stairs
That reminds me
Of Sunday afternoons
Family dinners
And warm food in my belly
Fall naps
And stealing a sip of mom's drink
It's just apple juice
But only her and dad get some
I walk upstairs
And slip off my shoes
Tired
And hang my purse on the hook in the wall
Before going to open the oven.
The heavenly smell increases
A smell of the past
A smell of memories
Of family
I pull the *** out of the oven and cautiously open the lid.
I'm washed over with old memories
As I inhale the smell of cooked veggies, roast, and red wine vinegar.
I reach in with some tongs and it falls apart
Soft
Perfect
Ready to eat
And when I take a bite
All I can think about is my mom
And Sunday afternoons
And that last sip of apple juice.
When I was a kid, Sundays after church we would always have dinner as a family. My mom would cook something special because it was Sunday, and we always got to have ice cream afterwards. That was our Sunday routine. We would have a quiet time or nap time afterwards, and spend the evening in peace and quiet. My mom makes the absolute best potroast, and I remember walking into the house after church and just smelling her cooking all ready to eat once we changed back into our normal clothes. I haven't been doing well. But on a whim, I decided to make my mom's recipe for potroast, and taking a bite of it healed me in a few places. I'm not doing well, but I'm gonna be alright.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
I hear this tune
And think of you
The memories
I can't get through

The lyrics play
I see your face
A feeling that
I can't replace

Took your number
Off my phone
The words all gone
Time to go home

Perhaps one day
I'll hear the words
Your face won't show
My heart won't hurt

I'll hear the song
And skip it past
Won't think of you
At peace at last.
Perhaps one day I'll hear that song and I won't think of him anymore. His phone number is off of my phone, the conversations deleted. It's time to move on.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
If your power is perfect in weakness,
You must be very powerful
For I am very weak.
Thank God for His sufficient grace. Without it, I would simply be weak. But now, when I am weak, then I am strong.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
I do not have the luxury
Of caring for myself.
When I feel tears coming
I bite my tongue
And look at something bright
To hold them back
When I feel the need to slash my wrists
I don't say anything
I just allow it to happen
And hope that this won't be the day
That I finally give into temptation
I can't take time off work
For a mental health day
I need the money
And rent isn't cheap
When I feel unloved
I don't tell anyone
I just suffer
And wish
And hope
And scream
Inside
Wishing I could open my mouth
Utter the words
So that someone
Anyone will know
That I'm not okay
That I'm asking for help
I've read that when you're depressed, you should treat yourself like you're sick- take a few days off work, rest, take long baths, drink tea... but what do you do when you feel like this constantly? I can't take every day off from life. I'm in meds, and I don't know why I still feel this way. Nothing lasts longer than a moment. I just want to go back to the way it was before.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023
It is not
Within
My
Power
To remove myself
From the loving hands
Of the living God.
Reciting this like a mantra recently. I'm trying so hard to remember this. I feel like I've disappointed Him in so many ways. I've sinned and rebelled again and again and I truly can't believe that anyone could  love me enough to save me from myself. I don't even love myself that much. And I try hard to remember that my feelings do not overcome His power,  so I just lay in the dark, whispering "Please, Please, Please don't leave me" until I fall asleep.
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