Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2023

2 years ago
I had this friend
Whom I have known for about 6 years now.
I remember just he and I were playing cards
Super late at night
Keeping each other company,
Having just admitted some past traumas to each other.
He started to speak
But then stopped
I asked him what he was going to say,
And he said that he'd been going to say something,
But I had started twisting my ring around my finger
And he knew
That I did that when I was anxious,
So he would keep it to himself
I didn't even realize that I did that.
I've never felt so known
I miss him.

Maybe we were in love in a way. I wrote poetry about him, and he told me that he thought I was beautiful. But we're no longer in love. I love him from afar, but scars and open wounds litter our skin from cutting each other, and we're better off apart. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel the urge to call him whenever I see a yellow house, or a set of cards or see blue moon beer bottles.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Road Trip

I just want to go home
But I don't know where that is anymore.

I'm not doing well at all. I've eaten tears all day and night, Lack of sleep pounds in my head like a drum. Like a door that's been locked with any semblance of sanity just out of reach. My eyes hurt, my soul hurts. Tears are a companion I meet with every day. I hold them back at work by looking into a bright light, but I sometimes wonder if anyone can tell how puffy and red my eyes really are behind these safety glasses. I distract myself with jokes and feigned energy, but the mask only goes so deep and I just wish that someone would love me enough to look underneath and just hold me for a long time until everything fades away and I feel like I can breathe without breaking.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

12:53

I keep looking at the clock
Wanting to go home
But not home
Anywhere
And nowhere
Wanting to fall asleep for a long time
Until I'm okay again
But it's only 12:53
And I still have 7 hours and 7 minutes
Until I can go home

It was a bad day...night...whatever.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Gonna Be

You don't think know I know that place?
I've lived in that place
Dark and warm
Felt its fingers creep around me
Silent and muffled
No care
All despair
But at least you can't hear them
At least all you feel is numb
There is no comfort
To stifle the flora and fauna of that blackness
That comes when you succumb to the void
Drinking oblivion
I know that place.
I know it's cracks and crevices
I know it's depths.
I know intimately every bend of its emptiness
A bitter companion
Of endless years
With naught but a candle of hope
That anything exists
But pain
But as dark as it seems up above
In the real world,
It's infinitely darker down here.
And I know that bitter thought
Of "How could it ever get better?"
And maybe you'll spend a lifetime
In horrid darkness
Walking the road of loneliness
But every now and then,
The clouds will part,
And the sun will shine on your face
And you will remember what it feels like
To be alive again
And maybe for the first time
In a very long time,
You will want to be.

I'm not okay. But I will be.

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Over

It's almost time to go home
It won't be long now

Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2023

Warp Speed

My parents made a life together
A marriage built to last
They kissed and loved and raised us
And taught us to live vast

I met you, they didn't approve
I thought that you could change
I guess I should have listened
*** you changed in different ways

At first we made each other laugh
And I felt right at home
But when I needed you the most
I found myself alone

I was always there for you
You said I made you safe
I quickly fell in love with you
Turns out I made mistakes

My past, you used against me
My future was a threat
The present was all I lived for
I took what I could get

The strongest thing I ever did
Was leaving you at last
Before I even realized,
Six long months had passed

I still think of you sometimes
Try my hardest not to call
But I know if I see you again
Right into love I'll fall

I guess I'm doing better now,
Sometimes I forget, but
It's so hard not to remember
All of my weak regrets

I wanted everything for us
I guess we moved too fast
I thought we could have a future
Turns out all we have is past

I still love him. Maybe not in the same way that I used to, but I do love him. He's in the back of my mind making goofy faces like he used to, a gentle reminder of how it went wrong. I hate the way we ended things. It's been six months since we've talked, and almost 10 months since I've seen him. I've always reached out to him after allowing him to settle down, but I guess I just got tired of cleaning up the mess that he was. He made me feel needed and wanted, and I think that's why I fell for him. But that's not love, not really. And that's why I am still able to say that I've never been in love before. He was like a drug, after a time, I couldn't help but text him, but I hated things that he did to me, enduring them only for the times when he called me beautiful. And like a drug, though I haven't gone near him in a long time, I think there may always be a small part of my that wants to go running back.

Marisa Lu Makil May 2023

Dreams In color

I dream of chilly dawns
When blue night meets gray springtime
The bite of a new season
Hazy
Like wine on my lips
A breathless newness
Where everything inhales
Holding it inside before the
Exhale
Of a new day
The deep breath before the plunge
A still silence
Not quite silver glass
Nor a golden daylight
But a nether in between
The empty
That comes from
Awaiting new things

This might just be a "me" poem. I can see the sunrise out the door at work every morning, and this was inspired by today. May 19th, 2023. I hope I remember it as a glistening silver before all the days of gold that lie ahead.