I've been struggling with my faith for what seems like years. I'm not sure how long it has been in actuality, but my greatest fear is that when I die, I won't go to heaven. I am a very bad Christian, I know that. But for some reason, faith that I am truly an heir to the promise escapes me. It comes and goes in waves. Some days, only praise is on my lips, and I can feel Christ surrounding me with love. Other days I feel like Hagar in the desert, hungry and thirsty for belief, but waiting to die. I feel like I'm going insane. Oh God, please stop this, I cannot weather this trial.

The spirit is here within me, and praise the Lord. For His presence is sweeter than any earthly kiss, more stimulating than any drug, more blindingly wonderful than any drunken stupor, and more exhilarating than any riches I could possess. All Glory Be to Christ.

I read this book. I keep trying to think of words to say about it, but I guess I don't really know what to say. And I don't know why every time I think of the color blue, or the name kyle, or heartbreak, I can't get this picture out of my head that I've never even seen but that I've read over and over. You spend the entire book watching two people who you can so obviously tell are going to fall in love, and then at the end there's a twist so cruel that it felt like I was the person who is being destroyed. I can't get it out of my head. I don't know why. I guess it just doesn't seem fair that two people who are so perfectly matched two people who are so obviously in love, and who would have a romance as bright as the brightest sunrise, would end so bitterly. But they both knew that she needed to die in order for the rest of the world to live. I just had an epiphany of sorts. Jesus did that. He spent His 30 something years being kind, and healing, teaching. Then you find out that in order for everyone else to live, he needs to die. I guess the difference is that in the end you don't know that everything turns out okay. In the Bible you know that he rose again, that His death meant something. I don't think that hers did. I think that for a love that shone so bright as theirs did, it would have been worth the world in order for them to just be together and love each other. Maybe I'm just lonely, and it felt good to know that someone else is lonely too. Or maybe there's some deeper reason why I can't seem to get the picture out of my head of two people who would have loved each other endlessly deciding who has to **** one of them in order to save the rest of the world. Maybe I just wish that I had something that beautiful even if it had to be ruined so quickly after it started. Or, maybe there's no reason at all. Maybe I'm just tired and emotional, and I cry about silly things. I just don't know why it strikes me so much that even after these months I still think of it and it haunts my eyes and my mind. I don't know why. I've been trying to figure it out ever since I heard the last words of that book. And I tried to figure it out again this morning when I turn to the very last page and reread the scene again. Why is it that the things that make us feel or hurt most deeply are the things that we crave to relive? Perhaps it's because we've spent so long not feeling anything, or feeling the wrong things, even if the feeling that we have is horrible, it's worth the purity of feeling it all.